Today is an important day for rednecks, republicans, and white males over the age of 45 because it’s opening day  for Major League Baseball.  Yes baseball, the most boring sport this side of soccer.  A sport where fat dudes can be dominant and someone running 90 feet is considered a thrilling play.  A sport that was exciting in 1890 before anyone had TV, videogames, basketball, football, or porn that wasn’t crude drawings in a flipbook.  You know what else was a popular past time back then? Listening to solo trumpet concerts on your gramophone?  You see anyone doing that anymore?  Not tons.

"a pretty sexy party in 1900" - That's exactly what I typed into google

We at the NSS aren’t really sure why we still watch baseball anymore.  Or why a whole sect of this country pisses their pants with excitement about the start of a whole summer of 100 year old teams playing each other in 2-1 games and every top play on Sportscenter being a guy who is kind of falling down while he catches a pop fly. Baseball has only been fun three times: the movie where that kids falls down and can suddenly throw 100 miles an hour while Nick Nolte mentors him and rails his mom, the movie where Charlie Sheen and Wesley Snipes rail everybody in Cleveland, and then also real baseball, but when everyone was on steroids.   So until baseball comes to its senses and not only legalizes ‘roids, but makes them mandatory, enjoy this:

Our list of things that will be more exciting to watch than today’s baseball games:

1.       Watching paint dry

2.       Watching paint after it has already dried

3.       Watching that paint slowly chip away over a period of a few years

4.       Reading an entire list of paint-based jokes.

5.       The class you’re sitting in right now

6.       Football games if they really stop selling alcohol at them.

7.       Abstinence

8.       Losing my front row of teeth in my battle against bulimia

9.       Running at the gym when your headphones are broke and you can’t listen to your iPod or watch the little TV’s they have there.  Seriously, I bet I’ve gained a net of 9 pounds over the last 5 years just because I don’t want to run when I forget my headphones.   Without them what’s supposed to distract me from how awful climbing up 1000’s of stairs and staying in the same place is?

10.   The parts of the Jersey Shore that are dedicated to Ronni and Sammi fighting.  We get it, you two are in a horrible relationship and Ronni is a modern day Bobby Brown but without the awesome dance moves and fly-ass Gumby haircut.  Now breakup for the 90th time so we can get back to Vinny and Pauly D searching for new forms of V.D. on the boardwalk.

Maybe he hits his wife, but he also sang humpin' around, that's a wash in our book

11.   Pretending to give a shit about what’s going on on “Sister Wives” because it makes your girlfriend happy.

12.   Listening to my roommate’s attack me about how awesome baseball is after I post this blog.  If I’m lucky they’ll go over their in-depth plan for minor league realignment again (yes they have one, it’s written down and I’ve read it). Also hopefully one of them will make an impassioned plea about the designated hitter and how it ruins baseball, all while pretending that they aren’t both in their 20’s don’t remember a damn thing about baseball before there was a DH.

13.   Killing someone with kindness.

14.   Waiting in line at midnight for the next twilight movie.

15.   Actually being in the next Twilight movie once it starts (way more entertaining, you know why?  Because I’ve been taken to everyone of these damn movies and now I want to see who that mopey broad chooses.  Full disclosure: I’m hoping for Edward).

16.   Watching an episode of any comedy show made before 1970.  Believe me, the only thing that is ever funny about TV shows that old is how casually racist everybody is.

17.   Rocky I.  I know that’s near blasphemous, but hear me out.  That first Rocky movie is basically the story of a retarded guy trying to bang a recluse who works in a pet store while her brother struggle with alcoholism.  There’s one sweet fight and training montage stuck in at the end that made people like that movie.  It wasn’t until Rocky III where Stallone started taking steroids, fought Hulk Hogan AND Mr. T and had a gay vacation with Carl Wethers that those movies really got awesome.

Now we're talking!

18.   Women’s college basketball.  Sorry ladies, it just isn’t basketball without dunking or neck tattoos.

19.   Avatar when it’s not in 3-D

20.  Getting hit in the head with a foul ball. And dying.

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So I find myself sitting in the Joe on this fine Thursday afternoon getting my stuff ready for my group meeting tonight at 5:00 (yes I’m having a group meeting during the evening of St. Patrick’s Day, apparently they don’t have this holiday in Russia so my partner isn’t too concerned about it.  Man I’m glad we won the Cold War).  Anyway as I’m sitting here I’m noticing that to my left there are two people, a boy and a girl, just living it up Narnia style in a game of World of Warcraft.  To my right there is a guy who is just as, if not more, sucked into his Facebook screen.  It strikes me that both of these groups are wasting an afternoon being distracted from their homework by computer applications, yet what one of them is doing is 1000% more socially acceptable.  But I’m not sure that’s true, in fact here’s a whole Top 10 list of reasons that might not be:

1. I know that the argument would be, “well at least people on facebook are talking to their friends” but so are the Warcraft people, in fact not only are they talking, but they’re planning complex raids with their friends.  I would argue that the Warcraft thing is more intimate; we know that going through trying experience brings people closer together, that seems like much more of a friend-builder than the low level stalking involved in liking half the pictures in someone’s “Drunk-Daze” Album.
2. You can actually w n in Warcraft, with FB you just run out of stuff to check.  How many days do you walk away from a 3 hour FB sesh thinking “well there’s something accomplished, put that one on the CV”?  In Warcraft you can probably kill a giant or get a cape that makes you look more like Orlando Bloom or some shit.  It may not be much but its something.
And as for the dating scene FB offers I have two points:
3. Plenty of Orc warriors have married Elven mages in the last 3 years at their own freaky cos-play wedding ceremonies.  I’d actually bet a higher number of Warcraft based relationships last than Facebook ones do.  Because FBships are based on hotness and DTF estimations, Warcraft’s are more based on “oh shit there’s a girl who’s in to this?  Well I better lock this up now or my name isn’t DwarfNoobKilla69.”

The Best Man

4. You’re less likely to be raped and/or murdered by someone you meet on Facebook as they’ll be more physically fit and able to pursue you than someone you meet on a Warcraft server (no one who spends hours a day trying to find a Pegasus to ride around will be fast enough to catch you)
a. Counter point: the people you meet on Facebook will almost most certainly be hotter due to this same reasoning.
5. You can sell your high-level Warcraft characters for hundreds of dollars.  No one wants your worthless profile.
6. You don’t have to worry about identity theft in Warcraft. Criminals are wayyyy more interested in your name, address, and date of birth than they are in your enchanted nunchucks (do they have nunchucks in Warcraft?  If not they really should.  Maybe get lightsabers too, just bring all of their loves together).
7. Neither said “bless you” I sneezed just now.  Both are apparently rude.
8. Potential employers won’t check your Warcraft profile to see if you’re hireable.

Hmmmm.... May not be management material....

9. In the most famous movie ever about Facebook, the main character was a total dick.  In the most famous movie about wizards and goblins and all that crap, the main character’s only real crime was being a little too in love with the kid from “Rudy”.

When that lovable black janitor told you to "follow your heart" he may not have guessed that your heart was telling you to butt fuck Elijah Wood.

10, It took me about 45 minutes to write this list, and even as I type this final point both groups are still doing what they were when I sat down here to do homework (hopefully my group wasn’t expecting huge things tonight).  The point is, we may think of people who play online games as being nerdy and wasting all of their time in a fantasy world, but is it that much different than Facebook.  I mean the dude to my definitely has a fantasy world where he’s hanging out with this redheaded broad named Molly who’s page he’s been on for the last 20 minutes.

Now we’re not saying that Warcraft is cool or that Facebook is for losers.  By that definition the writers of this blog would be a cross between Napoleon Dynamite and the goth chick from “The Breakfast Club” and it should be obvious from our writing style that if we relate to anyone in those movies its Pedro and Emillo Estevez respectively.  All we’re trying to say is that both waste time, not that that’s a bad thing, wasting time is awesome.  I mean, if you weren’t wasting time why you have read this?  Because Warcraft players are people too, paler, more introverted people, but still people.  Hell, if being pale and introverted discounted someone from being a person I’m pretty sure Canada’s population would drop down to like 17.

The President and Vice President of Canada. Also owns the only general store.

 

When you’re a kid and your watching a show, the most romance/lovin’ you ever see is limited to handholding and maybe some kissing.  And this is as it should be, young minds aren’t quite ready to be exposed to the wonders of fornication.  Trust me when I say that a 7th grader’s innocence is shattered the moment his friend shows him a chick bricking in some dude’s mouth online at steak and cheese (remember steak and cheese? No, just me? I was the only one with really pervy friends?).  Anyway we thought we’d go back and take another look at these couples from our youth, to decipher what would have been happening if they had been actual real-world teenagers, and not the abstinent Disney archetypes they were portrayed as.  Their amount of sexin’ will be judged on a scale of 1-5 illegitmate children conceived.

Power Rangers: Tommy/Kimberly – Let’s see, two super hot teenagers (who were actually like 25) that are in great shape, spend 85% of every day together, and constantly go through life threatening situations that bring them closer together.  In the show they would sometimes hold hands and nervously invite each other to Sadie Hawkins dances.  B.S. If this was taking place in the real world you know that every night after saving the city Tommy was balls deep in some Pink Ranger, fogging up the windows in the Dragon Zord cockpit.  Plus look at the Pink Ranger.  She is so hot, Tommy HAD to lock that down.

4 out of  5 illegitimate children.

Power Rangers: Zordon/Alpha 5  – Alpha 5 was soooo gay.  But it kind of makes sense.  Zordon is a giant floating authoritative head, and Alpha 5 is a submissive robot who enjoys being told what to do.  It’s like a craigslist add from hell.  Or space.

0 out of 5 illegitimate kids (because they were both dudes, and either way I don’t think either had any genitalia).

Family Matters: Urkel/Laura – This one I think was less cut and dry. They probably did it once when he was Stephon and now its weird.  He’s desperately in love with her and she’s ashamed and embarrassed.  She probably let him hit that becasue she didn’t assume he would morph back into a nerd with a Scottie Pippen haircut and pants pulled up halfway to his nips the moment they left Orlando (which in fairness to her was a pretty reasonable assumption).

1 out of 5 illegitimate children (because you KNOW Stephon don’t wrap it up.  He wants to feel you girl).

Family Matters

"Did I do thaaaaat?" Yes, You did "do" that. A lot. Especially in your weirdo time machine.

Full House: Danny Tanner/ Uncle Joey – Let’s go down the checklist shall we?  Both were unmarried, had feathered hair, and were raising children together in San Francisco.  Yeah, no red flags there.

1 out of 5 illegitimate children

Lion King: Mufasa/ All them ho’s – Besides Scar and then later Simba there were no other dude lions there.  But there were lots of kids.  Someone had to father these cubs and I think we can all be fairly certain it wasn’t the voodoo monkey or the gay toucan.  And yes that does mean Nala was Simba’s sister.  Sorry for destroying your childhood.

5 out of 5 illegitimate children (although it was probably actually more than 5, and then also a whole bunch of inbred grandkids)

Sesame Street: Ernie/Burt – This one is probably this highest level of debauchery.  And Bert should get a medal for the wild coke fueled orgies that Ernie seemed to be throwing in the tub. What do you think they meant by doing the rubber duck?


Muppets: Gonzo/ Camilla The Chicken – This was probably constant, and probably not consensual.  In a world where almost every animal can talk and wear a suit jacket, Gonzo ended up with a chicken who can’t do anything but cluck.  Yes he claims they have a relationship but is it really consensual? All of the other muppets have the ability to say yes or no like people, so its not as weird when they’re into each other.  From what I can tell Camilla is just a regular chicken.  And she’s probably subject to an unrelenting blue felt weiner pounding every night after Kermit locks up the theater.  And she has no way to stop it.  Because she’s a chicken.

4 out of 5 horrifying, cross species, illegitimate children.

Babar/Miss Babar: Just some hot, nasty elephant sex

No illegitimates, they were married.


Mario Series: Mario/Peach- I will tell you right now that Princess Peach must have got her name from being the best piece of ass in the mushroom kingdom.  Think about what Mario went through for this broad.  Every 2-3 years he would swim through shark infested waters, skip from rock to rock inside of active volcanoes, and ingest huge quantities of mushrooms that couldn’t have been healthy for him.  Oh yeah,  and then he would celebrate it all by fighting a FAMILY OF DINOSAURS.  I have a hard time holding my farts in for my girlfriend.  This level of commitment is unprecedented.

3 out of 5 illegitimate children (though on looks curiously like King Koopa).

Mario Series: Luigi/his hand – went through everything Mario did and got nothing.  He was either jerkin it to images of his brother dying a horrible death or to the vampire page on youporn.

0 out of 5 illegitimate children.

Fresh Prince of Bel Air: Will/whoever he damn well pleased

5 out of 5 illegitimate children, many of whom can Whip their Hair.

Return of The Jedi: Jabba The Hut/Princess Leia – personally this one is the most painful for me.  I don’t think I realized it until I was like 14 or 15, but when I did I was legitimately horrified.  Don’t believed they got it on?  Let’s look at the facts:

  1. Leia woke up next to Jabba wearing nothing but a metal bikini and a look of shame.
  2. Two when he pulls her over to him after he catches her he sticks his tongue out and LICKS HER FACE.  A pre-rape move if I’ve ever seen one.
  3. When given the chance, the normally diplomatic princess Leia grabs her chain and mercilessly chokes him to death.  This strangling sequence takes about a full minute, during which time Jabba’s eyes roll into the back of his head as life slips away from his convulsing body.  This is BY FAR the most gruesome murder in the entire Star Wars saga, and it is fueled by the holy vengeance of a rape victim so we’re all okay with it.

0 out of 5 illegitimate children.  You know Han aborted that shit.

Gone Too Soon.

February 18, 2011

Goodbye 4 Loko, we had just been acquainted,

When at some frat party in Washington, your good name was tainted,

So not living up to their namesake

My eyes are red with your departure, because I have cried,

When I remember how many times with you, I have almost died,

Like that one time we tried to impress at a party, a girl so aloof,

You talked me into taking off my shirt, and yelling at her from her roof,

Though it was a bad plan, as the Reno Police Department will attest,

She did go out with me later, despite the arrest,

And I loved all your flavors, especially Cranberry Lemonade and melon,

Even if you made me act, like a borderline felon,

Maybe playing Loko pong, was a poor plan conceived,

But the weight of the girl I hooked up with that night, had to be seen to be believed,

Hey it happens, and I don’t mean to be rude,

But she looked like Adam Richman will, after season 12 of Man Vs. Food,

Although reflecting on it I’m still mad, that you got that girl laid,

I feel like I had sex wit Ursula, from The Little Mermaid,

Ironically, she had a mermaid lower back tat

And now that I think about it, I don’t think I wore a rubber,

Either that or it slipped off, in her layers of blubber,

She could be pregnant, now I’m starting to freak,

Maybe we should be done with you, like with James Van Der Beek,

Yeah, we're definitely done here

And my friends no longer answer, when I ring them on the telly,

b/c apparently you made me fill their USB ports, with spoonful’s of jelly,

And one more lingering issue we have, that’s stuck in my craw,

But what happened November 11th, and how’d I end up in Utah?

As I think about our time together, I become filled with anger,

Maybe you should be banned, for you truly are a danger,

And another thing, for which was a huger stress-er,

Under your influence, I pooped in a box and mailed it to my Accounting professor,

….Actually, you know what that was hilarious.  Awwwww I can’t stay mad at you 4Loko.

For no matter how you ruined my life,

Alienated my friends, and filled me with strife,

I’ll never speak against you again, not even a peep,

Because for 7 straight months, you got me super drunk, super fast, super cheap.

Sleep Well Sweet (Fresh) Prince.

Well, can you say BRRRR?! That’s right. It’s bone chilling temperatures and high winds for us again here in Reno.  With the cold weather comes a few things, snowmen, hot chocolate, people from Vegas freaking out like it’s “The Day After Tomorrow” and a handful of mysterious kids in “pwned noob” t-shirts walking around seemingly oblivious to the fact they have boogers frozen to the sides of their face.  But more importantly than all of these things it’s gonna change the party scene.  These changes are subtle, but they are changes all the same.  And as always, your old buddies at the SpaceSuit feel obliged to help some bruthas out.  So without further merriment, pomp, or ado:

The 15 ways party life changes when the season turns cold.

1. You can no longer be so brazen with your outdoor “only when I’m drunk” cigarette smoking.

2. If outdoors, the Sophie’s choice between wearing a mitten while you drink your beer and potentially having it slip vs. frostbite.

-OR-

The choice is clear

3. It doesn’t really matter what you wear. A really cute dress, new jeans that make your ass look great or the pair of basketball shorts you stole from your last walk of shame. You’re gonna be effin bundled like your life depended on it. Because it does.

4. There is now ice everywhere on the ground, you should probably wear a helmet.

5. There’s going to be a lot of scraggly pirate beards. You know, the ones where all of the parts don’t connect. The younger boys are trying to keep their faces warm, but they don’t yet understand that the unconnected “fuzz islands” look has never got any one laid.

6. Winter always brings way more compromising spend the night situations because you look out side and think “I’m not fucking walking home”

7. Now there’s more opportunities for jokes about the Paul Walker feelgood hit, “Eight Below

he's definitely thinking about how to teach these dogs to tokyo drift

8.Drinking “more” doesn’t always mean it’s going to get warmer. I’m sorry but standing in the Truckee River with no pants will always be freezing.
Until you die.And you will

9. We’re pretty sure glass shatters faster when it’s cold. Uninhabited commercial space downtown.. watch out!

10. It turns into a survivor type situation where you get to watch which determined whore will keep slutting it up with a short dress the furthest into the winter. You may not agree with her actions but dammit you respect her.

11. No more random shirtlessness (unless you’ve really decided to commit)

12. Finally, the cold is on your side. Everyone is much more likely to say yes to “hey, do you guys want to come back with us and check out our hot tub?”

13. Corollary to the previous point: No matter how close their building is to their apartment’s jacuzzi, it will feel 10 times that distance when it’s snowy any you’ve drunkenly elected to make this journey barefoot. Oh, and their key to the gate will never work. Ever.

14. You start gradually depleting your Christmas present funds to buy people shots. Because what are shots but little presents anyway?

15. It’s now wayyyy to cold to hang out at the mostly outdoor freight house district. No more pretending to watch baseball while you get hammered until next year (oh wait, baseball is over? who the hell knew?)

Alright people we’re almost live!  The game is in less than 4 days away and pretty soon Nevada students are going to start taking off work and skipping Friday class en masse to get down to Las Vegas for what is the most guaranteed victory since the state championship game at the end of Remember The Titans (C’mon, after all the breaking down of racial barriers and group motown singing they did there was no way Disney was going to let them lose to the racist team that didn’t have a movie star for a coach).

Anyway, most of these Nevada students, lacking the means required to take a plane down or the magic required to take a boat, will be traveling the 469 miles by motorcar. Now don’t get us wrong, we appreciate the state of Nevada and it’s majestic beauty and all that crap.  But driving through 500 miles of it is the most mind numbing thing on the planet (take it from a guy who did the drive solo with a broken CD player and no iPod.  And if you’re like “well at least you had the radio”, no.  Surprisingly no one is broadcasting to the burgeoning “100 mile wasteland between Hawthorne and Tonopah” market).  Anyway, to help you have a better time on your 7 hour slog through the abyss, here is a drinking game you can play to pass the time (as always, The Nevada SpaceSuit does not advocate drinking and driving, this game is for the people in passenger and back seats, and if they’re still alive, the people in your trunk.)

Take a sip when:

  • You go by an abandoned building.
  • One sip for every meth addled squatter that you think is living in that building.  And siamese mutant babies DO count as two separate sips.

The mayor and vice mayor of the hill people living in the Goldfield Hotel

  • Someone farts.  Look, you’re spending 7 hours in a cramped space with 1-4 other humans.  And, after everything you ate at the McDonald’s in Tonopah, it’s going to happen.  You might as well make a game out of it (also if you want to “ice” the offending party that’s a judgement call).
  • When some butthole drives slow but then when you try to pass him speeds up so he stays in front of you and then slows down again when you get back behind him (because apparently if he stays in front of you he wins?  Hey shit mouth, there’s no points for getting there first, this isn’t “Rat Race”, you won’t get a train station locker full of money for early arrival, and Cuba Gooding Jr. probably won’t even be there…. Though he might be, I think Cuba’s available).  Anyway, throw your empties at this d-bag.
  • Anytime someone in the car falls asleep.  Also it’s okay to take the rest of their drink, it’s the law of the jungle (as old and as true as the sky….).

Big drink when:

  • You pass a brothel.  Two if it’s the Shady Lady.
  • You see the signs between Goldfield and Beatty for all that weird kind of ostrich and raccoon jerky.
  • When you come to the realization that there’s a 50% chance all of that exotic jerky is made from hitch hikers.
  • When you inevitably shudder about all of the lobster eateries in Mina Nevada (spoiler alert, those lobsters were caught at least 6 weeks ago).
  • You roll down the windows in Fallon and it smells like anything besides weed farms or manure (or hopelessness).
  • When you finally get pass Walker Lake.  It takes forever.  Literally, chances are if didn’t shave when you started going by it, you better be wearing long pants because by the time you pass it your legs will look like Nick Nolte’s mug shot.

And this isn't even addresing what your pube situation will be.

  • You pass another car on the road that has people with Nevada gear in it.  Roll down your window and offer them a cheers as you pass by (note: be sure they are really Nevada people.  Our school wears the same color shirts as most cops.  Tread carefully).

Chug When:

  • Whenever you think about how terrible your life would be if your car broke down in an area with no cell reception.  How long do you think it takes Triple A to get to Luning, NV?
  • Whenever you’re not going at least 25 above the “speed limit”.
  • You get gas in Tonopah (and if there’s any other Nevada fans there offer to trade a few beverages between your parties.  Trust us they’ll be as sick of their  30 Stones as you are of your PBR).
  • The highway finally goes back to 4 lanes and you’re no longer inches from death on either side.
  • One of your friends say they wouldn’t mind living in one of those random, lone, desert shanties (this is to prepare you for fighting them off, because they are 100% for sure a serial killer.)
  • Every time you see a black person (not counting people in your own car.  Or as we discussed earlier, Cuba Gooding Jr).

Long time friend of the Wolf Pack

  • You see the giant shaft of light emanating from Vegas.  Ending the the desolation and preventing everyone in the car from slipping further into madness.

We know it’s Rivalry Week here at the University of Nevada and we clearly know what’s gonna happen on Saturday when we play beat the shit out of UNLV. And they’re probably really bummed about it because A. they know they’re going to lose B. We’re now ranked in the top 25 IN THE NATION. We can’t all be winners, but we’re glad we are. So, to make the ugly stepchild down south feel better, here’s a list of the things they’re in the top 25 for.

Seeeeee Yaaaaaaaaaaa

  • Clogged toilets in sororities (they claim it’s from Roberta’s Tacos but we’re pretty sure its the binge eating they all do after UNLV’s academic rankings come out).
  • Heroine usage on a college campus
  • Sales of Insane Clown Posse records per capita
  • Number of D-Bags that still quote Borat
  • Collegiate Greek Communities acting as petri dishes for the development and mutation of fun new STD’s
  • Laptops turned into the student tech center with hard drive failures directly related to Anime Porn
  • People who think the civil war isn’t over and that it’s “just half time” (don’t believe us? Check the mascot)
  • Clearly pro slavery

  • Most joint cases of auto-erotic asphyxiation and glue huffing
  • College Girls that think they’re hot, but they’re really just whores (note from male staff writer: those two things don’t always have to be mutually exclusive) (note from female staff writer: you’re gross)
  • Largest amount of “Mistake” tattoos.
  • Highest percent of student population who identify themselves as “attending their backup school”.
  • Major school in close geographic proximity to where Colin Kaepernick went to high school that didn’t offer him a scholarship.
  • Percentage of female students whose new “cover-up makeup” may actually be the beginning stages of jaundice
  • Largest amount of babies born abandoned in trashcans
  • Highest number of convicted pedophiles on one campus
  • Most number of Students who are Team Jacob
  • Most number of students who care about that
  • Percent of male student body who own at least 2 wigs
  • Stretch marks per square inch of sorority girl
  • That's at least a 7 down there

  • Future welfare recipients
  • Worst places to go to college
  • Least beautiful campus in America
  • Highest disparity between coolness of the campus and to the city it is in
  • Largest “Students for Sharon Angle” group in the world

And last, but not least….

  • Best place to take a roadtrip to when you know your school’s football team is going to abuse them like Lindsey Lohan abuses cocaine.

If any of you have been to any Nevada football games this year, you probably noticed two things.  One, at $7.50/beer the university is basically asking you to sneak in a flask.  And Two, Colin Kaepernick is a man among boys out there.  He truly is becoming a Wolf Pack legend.  But did you know oh unlearned one, that there is much more to young Colin than his dominance at the pigskin?  Read on dear friend, as the Nevada SpaceSuit educates you on the subject of #10, with part two of out Kaep facts.

  1. You can get pregnant just by reading about him.  Raise the child to be a masculine child.
  2. Would throw touchdowns to himself if it was allowed.
  3. When he was a kid, his dad didn’t take him fishing, they went lion-ing.  And yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like.  They killed lions.
  4. He is going to win the Heisman.
  5. Kaep, not Michael Jordan, was actually Bugs Bunny’s first choice to help defeat the Mon-Stars in “Space Jam”.
  6. He’s an unlockable character on Mortal Kombat 2.
  7. He doesn’t know it yet, but we’re getting married.
  8. The Warren G. and Nate Dogg hit “Regulators” is actually a detailed account of Kaep’s first day of fourth grade.
  9. The original design for Optimus Prime called for him to transform into not a truck, but into Colin Kaepernick.
  10. He cannot tell a lie.
  11. The military doesn’t actually have smart homing missile technology.  It just seems that way because they have Kaep throwing all their bombs.
  12. He knows every secret handshake.
  13. The man doesn’t even drive to school.  It’s faster when he sprints.
  14. He didn’t ever have to use a slammer in pogs.  He smacked those little novelty disc-shaped bitches with his mind.
  15. If Kaep were Harry Potter, he totally would’ve been getting it on with Hermione since at least the third movie.  Although there wouldn’t have been a third movie because Kaep would’ve just killed Voldemort when he was like six or seven.
  16. Just looking at Kaepernick is what turned Lindsay Lohan straight again.
  17. He was in the first draft of “The Expendables”, but had to be written out when he made everyone else appear too effeminate.
  18. He also invented iPod nano’s by squishing his first iPod between his pecs.
  19. He possesses a real ocarina of time.  And a bad-ass double sided light saber.  And a Delorean that travels through time.
  20. He’s just unbelievable at “Words With Friends”.
  21. He could kick Kellen Moore’s ass.

    This joker? Kaep could do it one handed

  22. If he were blue he would look surprisingly like an Avatar.
  23. He would be the best player on the Nevada baseball team.  If any one gave a shit about baseball anyway.
  24. He has more real friends than you have Facebook friends.
  25. He is probably a member of the Men In Black.  Remember that.  Just in case we ever face to face and make contact.
  26. Based on his arm strength and lithe build we’re just going to go ahead and assume he killed everyone at “butt’s up” in elementary school.

Dear Western Athletic Conference,


Wow, it’s so weird writing your full name like that.  I haven’t called you anything but Westy for the last however many years.  Wow, this is awkward, but I feel like we’ve been growing apart these last two years.  I don’t know if you’ve been getting that vibe too but if not I guess I wouldn’t be too surprised.  I feel like you’re just like, going one way and I’m going the other.  We’re like Kate and Sawyer, oh wait, you wouldn’t get that reference because you wouldn’t watch Lost with me.  You wanted to destroy my soul and speed up the apocalypse by making me watch the f&@$%ing Bad Girls Club with you on Tuesdays.  Why do I have to watch it with you?  I’ll just be in the other room and can come right over if, God forbid, there’s a really scary looking moth or something that I have to kill.  You watch what you want to watch, I’ll watch what I want to watch and we’ll meet at 11 to catch the Daily Show.  It’s the same when you make me hang out and watch Reba with you.  Newsflash, watching Reba marathons on the CW with you is my least favorite activity in the world and I’m 60% sure Reba is either the Anti-Christ or his herald.

Anyway we’re getting off topic here.  What I’m trying to say is it’s not you, it’s me. We’ve been growing apart and I’ve met someone else, their name is Mountain West Conference (MWC) or as I call them… Mounty <3. You planned to take us to cool, exotic places, Mounty actually does it. Now, every other year we’re going to be going to Las Vegas and San Diego.  You know, the places you always said we’d go before you ended up taking us back to Shitville, USA Moscow, Idaho for the 10th year in a row?  It’s just more exciting with Mounty. Call me old fashioned but you really can’t take someone to bowls in Boise that are sponsored by companies no one has ever heard of (how many MPC laptops have you seen popping up around campus?) and expect it to be exciting every time.  Not when the prospect of BCS bowls are right around the corner.


You never wanted to show me off.  I put together really good games to look nice for you.  Remember last year when I scored 70 points on San Jose State?  It was a great game, full of highlights, that I worked my ass off on.  And what recognition did I get?  A five second blurb 58 minutes into the midnight Sports Center?  What is that?  If Utah would have done that last year they would’ve got a full clips package in the first ten minutes with Lou Holtz creaming his pants halfway through and rambling on about how we remind him of his Jonny Unitas and the ‘59 Colts.  I want… no.. I DESERVE that kind of attention!  I try so hard to look good for you and you just don’t even care.

And I really hate your bitchy loser friends.  Half of perception is association.  And the conferences you’re most often compared with are losers like the Big West, Mississippi Valley Conference, and the West Coast Conference.  I cannot come back to the apartment again to find you, the WCC, and that  D-Bag Stevie Yanks stoned, eating dirty nachos off of our 2005 championship banner, and playing NCAA Football on the X-Box and not even playing as me!  Even when I’m in the room!  It’s like you don’t even care!  You want to play with Florida?  Is that what you want?  For me to be one of those slutty schools that pays it players and artificially inflates their grades so they can stay eligible?!? Well news flash Wack-o, Florida is a whore, but it’s a high-class whore who wouldn’t even look at you twice (and don’t pretend you only oogle them when you’re “playing with the fellas”, you know what pops up on your google search bar every time I’m looking for Flo-Rida videos?  “Florida/Alabama double penetration/steam cup”.  First off I’m mortified at what a “steam cup” could possibly be, but secondly at least respect me enough to delete your history! It’s not that hard!). But I digress.

You’re not the hot conference I first got together with.  Remember how hot you were when I first met you at that party?  I was with that loser Big West (although at least they were sweet and I won every year). I mean when I first got here and you, Westy, were supposed to be the up and coming “super conference”… and that was exciting.  But you let yourself go.  All these teams started leaving to go to Conference USA and yes, to Mounty, and you just didn’t care. I thought I was special. We got together because we were two attractive entities who cared about what they looked like and being something people would want.  Well a decade of letting the BYU’s of the world go and instead making Utah State a big part of your diet has taken its toll.  You look like shit.  Seriously, try fitting into the jeans I bought you from the Albuquerque Banana Republic when you got us to the Meth Bowl New Mexico Bowl in 2007, I bet you can’t even get your cottage cheese thighs 2 inches pass the waist.

Also, you're way fatter than you were in Dodge Ball

I was really hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but it has. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m better than you and I’m sorry I’m going to DO SOMETHING with my life. Actually you know what?  I take back what said in the beginning, I think the problem is you.


In the words of Alfalfa, “I hate your stinkin’ guts Darla”

-Nevada

P.S. I’m gonna need my Fraggle Rock sweat shirt back, and make sure you get all those Mac & Cheese stains out of it first.

I had an insightful chat with my brother this morning.  A chat that cut to my very core, and truly showed me how irresponsible I’ve become this summer.  You see we really haven’t written many articles this summer.  We’ve been living foot-loose and fancy free (ie we’ve been drinking heavily), and haven’t found the time to write any articles for our adoring fans (there’s at least 4 of them, maybe 2 if we don’t count ourselves).  You see,  we should have  been writing articles this summer instead of seeing if there was any fun way to blow $5 million bucks on football after we just cut 12 majors due to “underfunding” (which was a total success by the way).
Anyway, to make sure this never happens again, the Nevada SpaceSuit has taken 5 seconds away from watching the video of the gay flight attendant jumping out of the plane while we’re at work to put together this alphabet list of helpful tips to freshmen and upperclassmen who just haven’t learned.  So without further ado, here are 26 ways to put together your class schedule and manage your time now that you’re a big kid.

  1. Don’t schedule any classes at 8am.  Your teachers don’t grade on a “how hungover is this kid?” curve.
  2. If you do have an 8am class, for the love of Kaepernick make sure it’s not a 4 days a week class.  You do that and you’re just asking for your roommate to taunt you with “I didn’t even wake and bake until you were done with Spanish for an hour.  An hour bro”.
  3. Unless you work 40 hours a week, night classes should not be an option. You’ve got babes to swoon and beer to drink. and we’ll guarantee that 95.4% of the time, you won’t even show up.
  4. Take the time to go to welcome week.  In 20 years no one will give a shit what hi-jinks Peter got into on TBS’ re-run of family guy.  But everyone wants to here about that “busting out of her shell” girl from Alaska you hooked up with at the pancake breakfast.
  5. 50 minute classes =  Best.Thing.Ever.  It’s just the right amount to go on youtube without getting bored.
  6. You may not realize it but you’ve been living a lie these last 18 years.  The weekend doesn’t start on Friday, it starts Thursday at about 3:00.  All of the best parties, drink specials, and Greek Balls happen on Thursday nights.  I’m not sure why this is the case, but I’m glad it is. Don’t schedule class on Friday.
  7. And if you do schedule class on Friday it better not be after 10.  Campus turns into a ghost town every week Friday after 12:00.  If you do have a Friday afternoon class it will just be you, a big group of asian kids who are always smoking, and football players wandering around the library trying to figure out how to get out of practice.

    The quad on friday afternoons (for the most realistic listening re-creation, imagine that indian flute noise playing the background as you look at this picture)

  8. If you’re going to rush, take your time to test out all of the frats and let them woo you a little bit.  However, please be aware of the blurry line between wooing, and some brother from SAE trying to put his finger inside you.
  9. Always take time to check out the latest edition of Coffin & Keys.  C&K is just  like the Nevada Space Suit, but with 3 times the same recycled dick jokes and absurd amounts of derogatory comments about women… and almost half the funny.
  10. Don’t believe me? I haven’t seen this edition yet but I can guarantee there will be at least 3 jokes about getting some Baberaham Lincoln and/or phi delt to “slob your knob”
  11. . One out of four freshmen fail out after their first semester.  LEAVE  TIME TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK. I can guarantee you that the fun you’ll have the  four to five years you’re in college will more than make up for you missing the totes rad kegger at the Edge apartments while you studied for your math test. Also, I’m sure you’ll enjoy that 3 million dollars more you’re expected to earn over your lifetime if you finish. P.S. the keggers at the Edge are never that rad.
  12. Freshman year is just the beginning. Usually junior year (20-21, IF YOU STAY ON TRACK) is generally your peak. You’re socially established, you’ve grown into your looks (aka shed the freshman 15) and you’ve mastered the hangover.
  13. The closer you are to being late to your class, the more the shuttle driver will screw around.  The same people who won’t wait 5 seconds for you at 12:45 are feeling easy like a Sunday morning at 12:58.

    Not breaking a lot of land speed records.

  14. Don’t buy the hype, you really only have to do laundry twice a month.  Boxers work just as good inside out.
  15. If you want to get a treadmill at Lombardi don’t go around five.
  16. If you want to see boobie-bouncing city (the best of all cities), only go to Lombardi around five.
  17. All this spare time you have now?  Do something fun or creative with it.  You can play Call Of Duty 2 your whole life.  But only in college can you take a body painting class you find on Craigslist (although don’t actually do that example, going to a body painting class you found on Craigslist sounds like getting the carpool lane to your own murder).
  18. Don’t go to the Overlook around noon if you have somewhere to be in an the next 30 minutes.  Between glut of people trying to get good Chinese food (wayyyy better than Panda express) and the general malaise/third grade level of change counting of the checkout people, it’s gonna take a while to get out of there.
  19. Get your free football and basketball tickets early.  Nothing sucks like having to stand in line (and away from the tailgating area) to pay $5 for a ticket you could’ve got for free if you hadn’t been so busy watch The Price Is Right.
  20. That being said, still take time to watch The Price Is Right.  Ain’t no party like a TPIR party.
  21. If you happen to be drunk somewhere out of Sierra Spirit range.  Wait.  Use this time to wander around, bum some cigs, and catch up on your drunk dials.  The time spent sobering up will be no where near the time of community service you’ll have to do if/when you get a DUI.
  22. The shuttle ride up to the health center is always worth it for the free condoms.  Definitely shorter than a ride to the coat hanger and poison store.
  23. If you spend more than an hour per day thinking about marijuana procurement you’re in big trouble.
  24. Schedule your classes with your friends now.  Chances are you’ll all have different majors and English 102 is going to be your last hurrah before you’re going to have to branch out and start doing group projects with kids who must be here on some sort of retarded kid outreach program for people who don’t do any of the work.
  25. Don’t dedicate to much of your time freshmen year to one boy or girl.  There’s 17,000 people at this school. You’re 18 years old and way to young to be making any kind of commitment now.  Get out there, meet people, befriend someone from another country, hook up with a fat chick, it’s all good baby, you’re in college now, get out of your shell.And P.S. if the boy or girl you’re dedicating all this time to is still in high school… Just stick a butt plug in yourself and change your name to Sapphire. It would be a lot less gay then what you’re doing now.

    Hi, my name is Constance. I want to talk to you about prom committee and ruin your life.

  26. Save up your STD tests for the free testing weeks at the health center.  It’s kind of like cashing in all the points on the mac and cheese boxes all at once.  Except instead of a cheap bike, you get herpes medicine.

You may have heard that Boise State has officially left the WAC.  After next year they will officially become part of the Mountain West Athletic Conference or MWAC (see it’s like WAC except with an extra M on the front, so you know its better).  You might be a little confused by all this, how should you feel?  Happy?  Sad?  A little constipated?  Well fear not intrepid reader, because in the following column the Nevada Space Suit will break down the pros and cons of the BS University and their decision to leave the WAC.

1. We can be King of the WAC

Pro: Not everybody gets this chance, I mean look at The Ohio State. They’ll definitely be National Champions, but WAC champs? No way. They’re so totes jeal.

Con: Being king of the WAC without Boise is like being the smart kid on the short bus.

2. Having one of the most epic games of the season on Thanksgiving weekend was just a pain in the ass

Pro: We no longer have to juggle football and family. For some reason your mom just didn’t understand why “that damn football game” was so important and why you wouldn’t come home to see her. Ya, we’re saying you’re mom is dumb.

Con: Now you’ll have to talk to her.

3. So long, smurf turf.

Pro: I’m pretty sure the paint on it was lead based, which may be why all the Broncos always had those glossy dead eyes and the cheerleaders had that angry caveman look.

Con: I’ll have less occasion to say the word smurf next year, leaving me that much more dead inside.

4. We don’t have to deal with Boise and their disturbingly large pack of traveling fans.

Pro: This suggests that there may not in fact be too much to do in Boise on the weekend. (Or ever). But now we won’t ever have to walk into a packed Mackay Stadium that has more fans cheering for the away team than cheering for the Pack.

Con: We’ll also never get to walk into a packed Mackay Stadium again.

5. We won’t have two rivals anymore

Pro: We can finally put all of our hatred filled energy where it rightfully belongs: slurred drunken put downs solely aimed at those failures at UNLV, who will one day bag my groceries.

Con: There’s a very real danger that Fresno will now become our biggest rival.  We have officially dropped from middle class to white trash.  In dorm terms we’re moving from Nye to Juniper.  Yeah, maybe now you get how serious this is.


Now that we’ve had a good laugh,  I think it might be possible that some of you out there still don’t quite comprehend what this does to Nevada football.  The WAC was like That 70’s Show.  Okay, it wasn’t a huge deal American Idol or 24, but people still knew who we were and thought we were pretty swell guys.

In this analogy the university is Fez, popular, but not Kutcher.  Boise State leaving is like when Eric and Kelso got too big for the show and left in season seven.  UNR, like Fez gets more storylines and is now the main character on the show.  The only problem is no one effing cares about that show anymore.  Let’s be frank, finally scoring with Jackie (winning the WAC title), isn’t quite as impressive when there are only 2 dudes on the show (that being said I would give my left arm to hook up with Jackie Burkhart).

So, every blog and their mother has done a piece in the last week about why Americans don’t like the World Cup, or why we should, or how we’re dumb for not getting it, or why it’s arrogant that we expect to win things that we don’t even try at/understand and blah blah blah, pass the baguettes, find your height in meters and socialize beaches.  Whatever.  Look, we don’t get soccer, if we did it would be on channels where the announcers are speaking in English more than just a few weeks every four years.  And nothing the rest of the world can say (in whatever bizarre gibberish they use as their language) is going to change our minds.  This is because they fail to understand that there is really only one proven way to make Americans watch something boring. Make it a drinking game.  Think about it, what’s the only way you can get through graduations, weddings, bar mitzvahs, catholic mass, or driving?  By drinking the whole time!

The only soccer game America has ever got behind

So, here for your World Cup enjoyment and to make you seem more worldly at fancy cocktail parties with douchey guys named Caleb who actually like this sort of thing, the Nevada Space Suit presents:

GOOOOOOAAAALLLL!!!!!:

THE DRINKING GAME TO MAKE THE WORLD CUP WATCHABLE

  • For every game attempt to speak in the accents of the country that you are cheering for.  Unless America is playing because that’s boring, instead speak in the accent of the opponent (and please feel free to make as many derogatory, stereotypical generalizations about that country and its people as you can).  Whenever someone slips out of this accent they drink.
  • Drink every time there’s a penalty you don’t understand.
  • Anytime there are more than 4 goals in a game, shoot some heroin. Don’t worry, this will never happen.
  • Drink every time you start feeling bad that, to most of the world, this is the awesome kind of football.
  • Every time the British announcer says an English word that apparently means something else in American . These include: pitch/field, kit/uniform, world’s game/stupid game you play when you’re 7.
  • Every time you think about how much better we would be if our good athletes played this sport. Don’t kid yourself Slovenia, the rape Lebron and Larry Fitzgerald would put on you would be a dry, dry anal rape.
  • Chug every time you actually understand the foul that’s been called Again, these will be few and far in between.
  • Every time you or someone watching the “match” stubs their toe or bumps their knee, drop to the ground and roll around holding your face. Just like the pros!  If you forget to fake an injury like this you have to drink, but you also become the most honest soccer player in the world.

    Being carried to the hospital after skinning his knee in the 58th minute

  • At the end of the game stand up and trade shirts with your friend.  In the twisted, fetishy world of soccer this is normal somehow.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

We know you’ve been wondering and yes, you will still be “popular” enough  next year to get into the student section at football games even though you don’t go to school anymore. Let go already.


Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Look you’re never gonna be famous.  Save us all the trouble and don’t move to LA for 5 years to “spread your art”.  Just cut out the middle man, apply to be the assistant manager at Chili’s and develop a minor drug problem.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

Well, you’ll gain two things on graduation day. One, is your degree – the other – is a DUI and Mugshot Graduation photo. Thought you were gonna be one of the lucky ones that got  through your whole college experience with out one? Too bad.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

I don’t know.  Captain of a shrimp boat?  Due to the continuing oil spill this is now impossible.  New advice, Become an oil spill insurance salesman.  People are freaked out right now,  strike while the iron is hot.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Graduation will be the hardest for you.  You partied harder and had more fun than the Leos and the Geminis combined.  But every ride has to end sometime.  Have fun adjusting to the real world.  Out there, you’re just another short guy with a liberal arts degree.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

Hellooooo post-college depression.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

A fast paced life of excitement awaits you in marvelous New York City!  There you’ll be living the life, riding the…. ah who are we kidding.  You’re gonna marry your gf, knock her up and stay in Reno.  It’s cool. Maybe when you’re 40 the weather will get nice.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

So you failed accounting?  Well good thing you’re hot and can marry a rich guy.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

You’ll be mauled and eaten by a brood of alligators.  Don’t blame me I’m just the messenger…

Aries (March 21-April 19):

You haven’t found a job yet and you’re certainly not going to find one in the next 3 days.  You’re gonna have to move back home.  Fair warning, hearing your roommate have sex through the wall the last 3 years has not prepared you for hearing your mom give it up to her new boyfriend Stephon.  Fucking Stephon.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

Grad school huh? Just an FYI- not as  drunkenly irresponsible as undergrad.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Scorpio just wants your money but go with it.  She’s hot.

Basketball Players (Jan 1-Dec 31)

Oh wait never mind.  None of you stick around long enough to graduate.  Again have fun in Germany.


Oh and you’ll all get fat.  Congratulations Everybody!

Alot of your friends are done with their finals, but your still here.  Well so are we.  PS how much did that weekend suck studying?  Well if, like us you were studying for financial accounting, it was awful.  To put said awfulness into perspective, here’s a list of things you could’ve done this weekend that would NOT have been as bad as studying.  Enjoy (if you’re still capable of such an emotion).

1.         Putting off studying for your finals.  You know, like last weekend.

2.         Feel what its like to have your soul slowly die (oh wait that actually happened, nev mind).

3.         Leaving school a year too early, not getting drafted and spending the next 15 years playing for 30,000 Euros a year on some weirdo German basketball club.  Gutentagg err Luke.

4.         Suffering through “The Backup Plan” with your Mom on Mother’s Day when you know if you were sitting 100 feet to your left you could be watching Iron Man 2. Spoiler Alert on The Backup Plan, J-Lo and the random guy overcome her pregnancy and end up together in the end.  Spoiler Alert 2: J-Lo falls down in front of the guy and its so totally embarrassing and hilarious.

5.         Getting 3 pages of your Econ term paper typed on the Knowledge Center computer when it suddenly shuts off because its midnight (even though its open until 2:00am) and getting the opportunity to start all over again.

6.         Triple bypass surgery

7.         Accidentally wandering into Lawrence Taylor’s hotel room.

8.         If you hadn’t remembered that the whole reason you came to Wal-Mart on Saturday was to get Plan-B.  You would’ve walked out with 6 pairs of socks, a national enquirer, and a new responsibility.

9.         Being a student at UNLV for up to 10 minutes (but only if it was during Summer and you were back home.  And only if your parents live in a mansion).

10.       Literally anything else not named above.

It’s finals week and if you’re like the average college student (or at least the average nerdy college student like me) you’re going to find yourself spending a lot of time in the Joe and/or the knowledge center.  Well I got news for you buster, chugging all those energy drinks and munching on all those high fiber Cool Ranch Doritos is gonna add up and eventually you’re gonna have to go lay some cable.  It’ll happen, no close public bathroom is cleaner than the ones here and even aderall can’t constipate you forever.  But this isn’t just a permission slip to let loose and treat the library like that hollowed out log in the woods (which was probably a squirrel’s house by the way).  Rather, this is a guide to make sure that during finals you’re bowel movements are akin those of the most proper lords and ladies in all of Victoria’s England.

1.. Before you even go have a ten minute inner dialogue about whether to leave your stuff at the table and risk everthing getting stolen while you’re in the bathroom vs. taking it with you and losing your sweet spot by the window.

2. When you go to the bathroom and will be really annoyed by the auto flush going off 3 times just because you stood up to pull your pants up.  Refrain from swearing and handle this with grace.

3. If you use the one down stairs in the Joe the light will go off every 7 minutes.  If you’re a sprinter this won’t be a problem, unfortunately if you’re a distance man like myself you’re going to have to turn those suckers on once or twice.  To do this without activating the auto-flush, stay low and stick your butt out so part of it is still hovering over the toilet, reach out and open the door slightly to activate the sensor and light that place back up.  Note:  If someone walks in when you are halfway out the stall with your pants down and, lets be honest, some stray pee dripping on your leg, they are going to think you are a straight up lunatic.  But on the flip side, if that same person walks in and you’re just silently pooping in the complete pitch dark, they will KNOW you are straight up lunactic, and likely a murderer.

4.  If you must have tunes on the can (and you really should be bringing your textbook), pick one playlist before you go in and ride it the whole way.  Don’t be fiddling with your textbook  with your poop fingers.  Knowing you’ll be pressing that same iPhone screen to your face in 10 minutes makes this one a little easier to remember.  (Seriously, don’t touch it, even if some weirdo Hoobastank song comes on just ride it out and don’t touch the screen.  And really that’s your bad for putting Hoobastank on you hate sex play list anyway).

5.  If there’s a large group in there, try to start a sing-a-long.  People will actually go with it sometimes.  I mean are you telling my you wouldn’t join in on a rousing chorus of Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin” at 1:30 in the morning?

6.  Don’t drill a glory hole into the side of your stall to try and get lucky, the Joe is a classy joint and we don’t have room or patience for your kind of filth.  Go the downstairs bathroom in Sigma Nu if you want that kind of behavior.

7.  Don’t bring your laptop with you into the bathroom unless its an absolute must.  And by must we mean like 7 minutes before your final and you’ve still got 3 pages to read in some article.  98 percent of the people who see you carry a laptop into a bathroom will be sure you’re looking at porn (and they just might be right).

8.  One more thing about the auto flush, if you know you’re about to make a move that will cause it to go off (which you sometimes don’t, I set it off the other day just thinking about moving), make sure you move any open beverage containers you might have away from the splash zone.  Trust me when I say Cherry Soda is better than Shit Water Cherry Twist.

9. WASH. YOUR. HANDS. I swear if I see one more ski boarder flush down a couple of Bebe’s kids and then only stop at the mirror to adjust their beanie and scope their googles tan I am just gonna stop.  I will run my car day and night, just to speed up global warming and melt all your precious pow-pow.  Don’t test me on this snowboarders I swear I see this one more time and I’m luring a family of bears to Boreal next year.

Not a big hand washing crowd

10. On the flip side of number 7, sometimes the poopin’ stall is one of the most productive places on campus.  The Knowledge Center is a circus, especially during these first few days when no one is done yet.  Sometimes, you have to read a chapter or pound out a few paragraphs, if you’re not getting any thing written and you need a little spark, maybe it is cool to take the laptop in the bathroom (as long as you don’t abuse it and stay focused on your paper.  People who do facebook while they poop are the same as thieves and stickup men in my eyes).  That being said, you really can get a lot done while you’re dropping a D.  I mean, where do you think I wrote this article?

Hey.  How ya doin?  Oh what you’re just chilling in the library right now studying for some final and doing all the homeworks you put off doing this semester b/c you were too busy playing Words With Friends? Yeah, us too.  The Library is a fickle place come finals time.  Theoretically it is the best place to get work done, but realistically everyone is there and it’s kind of a marvy scene.  Fun fact: during finals, the Knowledge center becomes one of the 10 most populous cities in Nevada.  Move over Goldfield.  Anyway, to commemorate this time-honored struggle that takes place between studying and procrastination that takes place here every spring, The Nevada SpaceSuit presents to you: The Things You Did In The Library  Today When You Should Have Been Studying.

1.  Spent 20-30 minutes getting “situated” and “ready to study” (BS by the way, we both know you could’ve started right away and actually got something done before 11:00).

2. Saw someone you haven’t seen in forever one floor up. Thought about going to say hi, decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

3. Watched people out that window for no less than 13 minutes. Hopefully you were making up their conversations in your head.

4. Spent way too much thought trying to figure out how bad for you those Funyuns were before finally deciding they could be 1,000 calories each and you still would take it over the salad in the weirdo coffee shop in the Library.  From there you’ll ponder further and wonder why the university decided to put its only two decent coffee shops within 50 feet of each other.  Solid business model there guys, it’s so weird we’re losing money….



5. Watched a group of 6 huge football players take a lap of every floor, talk to everyone they know, and then leave.

6. Every quiz ever on Facebook. And 3-4 tweets every 20 minutes about how #finalzsux

7. Played the eye contact game with the cute girl three tables away. Eventually you made eye contact too many times and it crossed the line from flirty to rapester-y.

8. Make a fort out of binders, folders and texts books

9. Think about just walking out right now, leaving your books. Try to convince yourself how much you would really like life as a trucker.

10. Wish you weren’t so hungover from  cinco de mayo.

11. Trying to figure out why Colin Kaepernick STILL hasn’t called. That vision board sucks.

BETRAYAL!!!!


12. Thinking how cool it’d be if you had that remote from “Click” so you could just fast forward the next 7 days.

13. Not really. Why don’t you just fast forward through your whole college career while you’re at it.

14. Got to the end of the latest NSS article and think two things: 1. Wow, they actually made it 300 words without making a Home Alone 2: Lost In New York Joke.  And 2. Well that could have been funnier, good thing this ish is free. Merry Studies you filthy animal (ratta-tat-tat).

Whether you find it a blessing or a curse (much like my period most months) Dead Day 2k10 is on Cinco de Mayo. Some of you have the freedom to get completely annihilated all day long because you’re still in English 098 or your professors are total hippies. Well some of us don’t have that luxury. So for those of you who can’t celebrate one of the holiest of drunk holidays, we’re gonna help you out. How to incorporate the Cinco de Mayo fun into your dead day.

Numero Uno: Bring your blender to the library. Mix your Red Bull with a little tequila and put sugar (or adderall) on the lid. Muy Bueno.

Numero Dos: If you don’t already, refer to Manzanita Lake as Lake Titicaca for the day. (OK so it’s not in Mexico, but it made you giggle)

Numero Tres: When you see somebody doing homework, swoop in and take their work, doing it faster and cheaper.

Numero Quatro: Wear a Mexican flag as a cape and scream      “viva la Mexico!”     during the undie run

Numero Cinco: Consider the historical ramifications of the small Mexican force holding off the mighty French army at the battle of Pueblo. J/K , don’t ask why it’s here, just enjoy that it is here.

Numero Seis: Grow a mustache. (Boys or girls)

Numero Siete: Show up three turbo Coronas deep and in a sombrero to all your study groups

If you can combine numbers 6 & 7 please do

Numero Ocho: Cross out Irish on all your St. Patrick’s day stuff and write Mexican.  Because what is Cinco De Mayo really except Mexican St. Patricks’ day? The only difference is this one doesn’t have a pretentious color scheme.

Numero Nueve: Make a Mexican Mariachi Band music playlist on your iPod. The sound of the maracas are mesmerizing

Numero Dias: When randomly hooking up with some rando in the library to relieve some of the tension of this f&^*$in’ calculus test, use the rhythym method instead of a condom in honor or our neighbors to the south and their religiously happy-go-lucky approach to contraception.

Numero Oncé: Lean Like A Cholo

We all know that the primary reason we even get together with girlfriends is for free drinks and unwarranted attention. And when Gary Schott posts “Who wants free booze??? You do!! Come with six girls to EDGE tonight and get a free bottle in tha vip! Holla attcha boy! 722 3233”   Really – we can’t deny it.  So when we do have a “ladies night” there is definitely a crew you want to roll with. Ideally the dream team consists of 4 girls – more than 4 leads to an episode of a cattiness and drama that rivals the real housewives. And clearly you need an even number because you have to implement the buddy system like the dudes – but this one is more along the lines of safety reasons.

1.The Blatant Bitch

You know, the one who will tell some creepy guy hitting on you to back the fuck off, or sometimes she will throw a glass at some other bitch if she feels like it or will straight up leave the group high and dry for the night because she’s “not getting enough attention.” This chick is brassy.

2. The Fugly Friend


Honestly, they’re really just there because you’ve been friends since 3rd grade and there’s no sense in losing her now – you need all the friends you can get.

3. Mommy Dearest

She’s the one who can snap out of an alcohol induced coma at the drop of the hat to play the adult to all of her drunk friends. She will also make you upwards of 3 grilled cheeses when you get home and are sprawled out on the floor with only your socks on.

4. The one with the huge boobies

This girl always delivers.   She doesn’t have a name as far as the public is concerned, she’s just, “your friend with the huge rack.” She’s so skinny that her boob size (although they are ginormous at a Double D) increases 10 fold because of the contrast to her ribcage. But hey, she’s a fun gal with no drama.

You: Hopefully you somehow fit in this group. If not, you can always assume the back up position of “fugly friend.” I’m sorry but they just don’t make 10s like they used to.

Meh, they’re okay….

Recovering drug addict/alcoholic – Ok so then we also have the girl who is the recovering drug addict/acoholic – although bars and parties aren’t probably the greatest surroundings for her (but who am I to judge? I mean.. LOOK AT ME!)  Shes good because she is (or.. er…should be) always sober so she’s avail for a ride.

Hot friend – the one where every guy you know comes up to you to talk about it. Guy: “OMG your friend is so hot” You: “I know. she has a boyfriend” Guy: “So? duddeee hook it up” You: “get in line fuckbag.” You can’t take her out everynight because A. She’s too pretty (with a personality to match)  and you might as well not exist B. She tends to be high maintenance. And nobody needs that past 1 a.m.

The light weight – Keep this chick around for purely entertainment reasons. She barely goes out and when she does it’s like a tv sitcom episode. They’re unnaturally dancing on tables and kicking off her shoes, and making out with peoples necks despite unwarranted advances. And next thing you know it’s gonna lead to some kind of wacky mix up where they make a drunk speech to their parents and throw up on Chandler. Clearly, you can’t deal with this every weekend.

The girl that lets you borrow her clothes: It’s like you got a brand new wardrobe and didn’t pay for it. This girl should also have good taste and be the same size. Sorority bitches basically have it made in this area… but they have to hang out with each other all the time. You dodged a bullet there.

Your Best Gay:

In a perfect world, you get 2

You love him. He’s like you, but with a weiner. He just gets everything about you – who you are on your most shallow levels. He’s great for fashion advice, boy advice and sex advice (think about it – you do the same things to half the population).  You like having him around for all of these reasons.. but then his excessive bitchiness strikes up and you’re abandoning ship. You’ve already got to deal with the lightweight and your way too hot friend.

The Katherine Heigel: Goes for fat guys that are wayyyy under her league. Hey, at least it takes the pressure off you.

(note: The Katherine Heigel archetype was added in by a male staff writer.  He has not yet realized that this woman does not exist outside the world of Seth Rogen and Jack Black.  NO hot girl hooks up with a schlubby dude who’s not also like a millionaire or the president of France or something.  But we let him keep it in so as to not crush his spirit.  HIs chubby, jewy-haired spirit).


Avoid at all costs:

The Angelina (of Jersey Shore fame – not Jolie) :

The bane of my existence.  This girl will cock block you like there’s no tomorrow.  She will get on your case for no reason other than she can (which ps is not too much of a fucking accomplishment, all that’s required to “tell it like it is” is a mouth and a base understanding of the english language.  So don’t go patting yourself on the back too much).  When people call this girl out on her bitchiness she’ll respond with  “I know I’m a bitch.  That’s how I am, take it or leave it”. Verdict: Leave it, and maybe try to talk her into a female vasectomy.

The Slutty Friend: We’ve all got one. (Or perhaps its you?) She’ll pretty much do anyone that has a face. You “go out together” and get to hang out for about one hour the whole night and then… poof! She disappears! Listen, we all have our own ways of dealing with life.  Some people drink, some smoke, weirdos cut themselves, and the Japanese jerk it to weird 13 year old anime.  But this girl has her own method.  She likes the cock. We realize that’s not the most delicate way to put it but that’s the truth. She’s always ditching you and leaving you with no ride. But it’s cool.. you’ve always wanted to walk home by yourself.

Hollywood: She thinks she belongs in a trendier city like Vegas or LA and frankly, it’s rather obnoxious. You’re in Reno, sister. Oh, and just because your sidekicked is bedazzled and I can hear your acryclic nails clicking on the keys doesn’t mean that you’re less annoying than me! You’re just much better dressed.

The crier:

You know her all too well. Get a few shots of vodka in this chick and the waterworks flow as mighty as the Truckee River on a Spring day. She’ll continue her night sobbing to herself on the curb. WARNING: Any girl can be the crier based on a certain number of drinks or what kind of day they’ve had, so try not to be too mean to her, although she is one big pain in the ass.

The “Cool Mom”: No, absolutely not.  Everyone knows a girl who says things like “my mom is sooo cool” and “my mom is my best friend, its totally like having someone around who’s my age, but like totally wise”.  Kill me now.  I don’t care how cool a mom is, at the end of the day she’s still gonna be a half-drunk 48 year old with a spray tan dancing a little too hard and looking for Stevie Nicks songs on the juke box.  And yes she may attract additional guys who want to try to bag themselves a cougar, but let’s be honest you don’t need to be talking to those guys.  MILF’s stopped being funny in 2001, and the chances are, they stopped being hot in 1988 when you destroyed their birth canal.

Gollum:  One of the main stories of the Lord of The Rings Movies was Gollum trying to steal that ring from the two gay hobbits in the mountains.  He had a one track mind.  For Gollum, the ring was the thing and nothing else mattered (except maybe finding and eating a nice brace of conies).  This girl has the same set of priorities, she can hear the biological clock ticking and she is not a fan.  This girl didn’t come to college to get her B.A., she came to work on her M.R.S.  She will come on to guys wayyyy too hard and her desperate/crazy/murderous vibe will taint the chee of the whole group.  Best to leave this one at home to check her e-Harmony profile.

The weekend is fast approaching and it is party time.  We’re now on the RIGHT side of Spring Break and midterms and the weather is getting warm.  Velcro your shoes boys and girls, it’s party season.  There is no better time to go out and cruise the bars with your best mates than spring.  School’s almost out, people aren’t wearing winter coats to The Break, and bros from Sig Ep can get excited that the kids from the Davidson Academy are one year closer to finally being legal.

Spring is here, you have to go out.  But when you do, make sure you do it with the right crew.  The best number of people for a crew, like wife swapping and bobsledding, is four.  Four gives you all the benefits of a big group with the flexibility of a small one.  There are enough people that you probably won’t end up in a fight, but there are few enough people that you probably won’t cause one either.  You can split into pairs so no one is left out and you can also employ the buddy system. Note that this team only applies to the fellas.  Our roster for the ladies team will be coming soon.

The Dream Team

The Wildcard: This is the guy that makes the night, without him there you might as well be sitting at home looking for something on Chat Roulette that’s not a 15 year old girl or a guy’s curiously shaped dong, plowing through a bag of Cheetos Puffs.  He’s the one that has little to no inhibition and has a 50-50 shot of ending his night in the party hall of fame or the jail on Parr blvd.

The Vinny Chase: Just like Vince from Entourage, this is the superstar of your team.  He’s so cool that his peripheral handsomeness can get guys like Turtle and Jonny Drama laid on a fairly consistent basis.  Chances are he also writes some kind of really sensitive poetry and plays the guitar or something.  Girls love this guy, and if he wasn’t your friend, you would hate him.  He’s one of those dudes who definitely would have been like the preppy villain in a movie from the 80’s movie.  However, as long as you’re not Anthony Micheal Hall or the Karate Kid this really isn’t so bad.  One of the unfortunate things about bringing the Vinny Chase along is that you know he’s always going to go for the hottest girl.  In a group that’s like the Spice Girls, where they’re all babes, this isn’t so much of a problem.  However if you happen to be hanging out with more of a Brady Bunch type group, with a clear Marsha and then some Jan’s, chances are you’re settling that night.  While the Vinny Chase can be a double edged sword, in the end he is always worth it to have around.  Especially if he can introduce you to a 5’5″ wise crackin’ agent who takes no prisoners but is always in to hug it out (bitch).

Yellow Pages: This guy not only knows everybody, but he knows what they’re doing too.  If you ever need something to go just ask yellow pages, he’ll have two house parties and a VIP section lined up before you finish asking him.  Yellow Pages has procured this impressive list of numbers in a few ways.  Firstly, he never deletes anyone, because you never know when you’re gonna be in a tight spot and the only way out is your chem lab partner from 5 semesters ago.  Secondly, even though he’s a fifth year senior he’s some how manage to only ever take lecture classes.  He posts up at the back of the class and grades himself on how many numbers he gets, not how many test questions he gets right.

The Hammer:  Here we have the tough guy of the crew.  He is the biggest of your friends and can probably drink everyone under the table.  If you’re a dude never underestimate the power of having a really huge guy with you who can come up and say “is their a problem here?”.  This will stop a lot of fights before they even start.  And let’s be real, there’s gonna be a night when you need someone to pick you up from under one of the benches at Pub n’ Sub and put you in the back seat.  Who besides The Hammer is going to help you out in that situation? Because I can guarantee you it won’t be the bouncer at Imperial, he only uses his massive forearms to push you out the door and on to the side walk.

You: Hopefully are one of the four above, if not cut somebody.  Just make sure it’s not the hammer, because he looks like Thor and will break you like Ivan Drago.

The alternates

The Dream Team isn’t always available, at some point everyone has to go to a Robert Pattinson movie with their girlfriend or go have a circle jerk with the rest of Coffin and Keys in a grave yard.  But luckily, there are acceptable alternates:

The Leader of Men: We all have friends like this.  They think they’re the alpha male and they want everyone to know it.  They yell out proclamations like “This is the most EPIC night of all time”.  And, “It’s past midnight on a Thursday, call me a taxi so we can get the hell out of the Break.  To the Wal!  He’s also gonna make you shoot whiskey at some point so look alive!

Mr. “I’m Down”: No matter what you propose, this guy will answer with “I’m Down”.  He’s just up for anything.  Don’t underestimate the value of the guy who is just as likely to be your wingman on a late night booty call as he is to wait with you in the McDonald’s parking lot until 5am when they start serving breakfast.

The Guy With The Great Ideas: For some reason this guy is always thinking outside of the box.  The average person, when a little buzzed and heading home, will ask whoever’s driving them to take them to Jack in the Box or something.  This isn’t good enough for great ideas guy.  He’ll always have a much better idea like going to the Peppermill for $5 Omlettes, going to the GSR for some drunken laser tag (which btw, is was underrated as an activity),  or getting a 12 pack, rallying, and getting some skateboards to luge down Sierra Street with.  You don’t know how he comes up with these plans but you don’t care, all that matters is that they’re always awesome.

Don't underestimate how much better this will look to you at 2:30 tonight when you're a little sauced

The Guy Who Snuck Away From His GF:  This is your buddy from awhile ago who’s been in a relationship FOREVER.  He’s constantly saying he’s going to meet up with you but then at the last second has to cancel to go to his gf’s cousin’s violin recital or some other queer thing like that.  Well he’s finally able to get out and while the cat’s away the mice will do a couple lines and streak down 9th Street.  Just remember to go along with his “we went to see Kick-Ass” alibi anytime his old lady asks you about what you guys did.

Who you don’t want:

Stay away from these jokers like you stay away from anything above math 181.  They will not enhance you’re night, they will only make it worse.  Yeah sometimes they can deviate from the norm and have a good night, but doesn’t mean anything.  Kate Hudson was in “Almost Famous”, but that doesn’t mean she’s generally in good movies.  Sometimes in life its just better to say no.  Well its ALWAYS  best to say no to these guys:

Mr. I Don’t know my limits: Some people just can’t handle alcohol. Unfortunately not everyone has realized this yet.  This guy starts out fun, but then ends up throwing down a handle and totally makes an ass of himself all night.  And by ass we mean he’s gonna throw up in your car and maybe kick out a juke box.

The Al Capone: Wants to commit crimes.  We don’t what this bro’s problem is but he always wants to do some crazy shit like steal from 7-11 or jump some kids who gave him the awkward eye at a red light.  He’s a loose cannon.  Good in a fight, but not when you’re trying to avoid one.

The Guy From Elko: It’s all in the title really.

Ben Rothleisberger:  Some guys just don’t realize no means no.  What’s funny is the odds are that this guy will actually physically resemble the actual big Ben.  Kind of pudgy, goatee/chin beard, backwards hat, and a cock that just doesn’t take no for an answer. (PS is it funny that everyone was so surprised about Ben Rothleisberger even though he dresses and acts like a 6th year frat dude?).  Anyway, if you don’t want to end up having to appear in court in a couple of months, its best to leave this guy back at the house.

The One Who Brings His Girlfriend: He’ll insist that she’s cool.  That she’s just like one of the guys and you’ll totally be able to do all the same things you would do if she wasn’t there.  Unless she’s cool with going to a strip club and then is physically able to swiftly jump fences as you run away because the Wildcard was buying dances with monopoly money, than this is not true.  Girlfriends have a time and a place but guy’s night out is not one of them.  You wouldn’t bring a knife to a gun fight and you sure as hell shouldn’t bring a lady to a Fella’s Friday.

Anyone under a 6 who’s also not funny: Brings the whole team down.  he’s the anti-Vinny Chase.  You’re better than that.

Ed Hardy:  Wears exclusively Ed Hardy, maybe even has some of the Ed Hardy decals or air fresheners that they sell at Wal-Mart.  His hair will be gelled into helmet like fashion, likely in some sort of faux-hawk or spike arrangement.  He will smell like a mixture of Josh Hartnett cologne, sweat (from dancing with the mad honeys), and Zima.  Beer belly or not, his shirt is a level of tightness that leads many to wonder if its really a shirt or if he just painted his body black and then stuck on a sticker of a tiger jumping out of a rose or something (although the sleeves of this shirt will never go low enough to cover his Chinese symbol tattoo that means “ferocity”  or “strength” or “let me fuck with this white guy who doesn’t know Chinese”).  Reno is full of these so they can be hard to avoid.  Just know that if one of your friends spends more than 3 minutes on their hair, or won’t shut up about their Real World video that they just submitted, you should probably not ever tell him where you’re really going.

the height of Ed Hardy's guy's fashion

A. We took 3 weeks off to honor the 2043rd anniversary of the death of Julius Caesar on the Ides of March

B. Kicked in the juke box at the Wal and have been working two jobs to pay it off.

C.  Following my father’s diary in a quest for the Holy Grail with my friends Salah and Marcus.

D. I had custody of my 3 illegitimate children.

E.  Caring way too much about the ASUN election.

F. Chat Roulette.

G. We were detained in Cancun for charges we can’t legally mention without an attorney present.

H. Following the Nevada Basketball team in all of their post season endeavors.  Oh wait, that was over two weeks ago…never mind.

I. Carefully analyzing health care reform.  Wait you see through my lies?  Ok I found my old Sega Genesis and got really lost in Sonic 2.

J. Building a vision board so that Colin Kaepernick will talk to me JUST ONCE

K. Going through every possible 775 number and texting “Hey Kap”.  I’m going to get the right one eventually. Yes, two devoted to my love of Kap.

L.  Rehab.

M. Spending my time as the only white kid in “The Center”

N. Because we’re lazy and we didn’t want to do it.  What are you gonna stop paying us to entertain you?

O. Following Justin Beiber around America. Hellooooo Beiber Fever.

P. Crying about Reno’s crazy weather patterns on my FB page. Oh wait, that was you. And it’s really annoying.  SO STOP.

R.  Busy getting sexually assaulted by Ben Rothlesberger

S. Longest. Pee. Ever

T. Storing up on Peeps and Shamrock Shakes. Those bitches are only come around once a year.

U.  Using Foursquare to become the mayor of the Wal.

V. Non-stop push ups.  I’m now the butchiest girl on campus.

W. Ummm…. would I lose all my street cred if I said homework?

X. Getting all my eating in.  If I wanna be skinny by summer the anorexia has to start now.

Y. Waxing this guy’s counters and painting his fences.  I know it seems like a waste of a month, but if it really does help me take down those mother fuckers at Cobra Chai it will all be worth it.

Z. Marathoning the first 6 seasons of Full House.  And if that’s a crime you can call me a violent repeat offender.

It’s finally happened.  Our increasingly inept Governor and the state congress that doesn’t have the spine to propose BASIC INCOME TAXES THAT 47 OTHER STATES HAVE during a time when the state was almost $900 million short in revenues.  (PS If you want the funny stuff, now would be the time to skip ahead and scroll down). This is the equivalent of not having enough money to buy your kids food, but then skipping the extra shift your boss offered you because you think if you work too much your kids will be mad.   The kids won’t be mad!  They’ll understand!  All kids want is chicken nuggets!  The level of incompetence in this state’s leadership is at an all time high.  Don’t believe us?  Check out the list of programs that are on the chopping block (at least half of these are gone).

The following degrees would be reviewed for potential closure:

  • Bachelor’s degrees in animal science and animal biotechnology, the minor in animal science and the master’s in animal science
  • Bachelor’s degrees in agricultural and applied economics, the minor in agribusiness, the bachelor’s degree in environmental and resource economics, the minor in natural resource and environmental economics, and the master’s and doctorate in resource economics
  • Master’s degrees in all education counseling fields, education· specialist, and teaching English to students of other languages in the College of Education, as well as all doctorate-level degrees in the College of Education
  • Minor, major and master’s degree programs in German studies, French and Italian through the Department of Foreign Languages and Literatures
  • Bachelor’s degree in interior design
  • Doctorate degrees in anthropology, history and political science, master’s degree in philosophy and master’s degree in speech communication
  • Bachelor’s degree in supply chain management
  • Bachelor’s degree in statistics and a master’s degree offering with a statistics concentration.

And oh yeah, also the entire college of CABNR!  An entire college?  But we’re still building a new math and science building in the south of campus?  Sure why not.  Anyway, we’re upset, and frankly you should be too.  These decisions are going to cripple this state in the short and long terms.  But maybe you, our precocious and intrepid reader, don’t see just how bad these cuts were?  Well fear not revered companion, to put this decision in perspective, we here at the NSS offer you:

Decisions that made more sense than the budget cuts (enjoy)

a.  Deciding not to try to avoid that iceberg and just power through.  I mean hell, the Titanic’s unsinkable right?

b. Jake picking Vienna last night on the bachelor.  She’s at least hot and has that crazy look that I kind of dig.  I don’t dig anything about cutting Supply Chain Management.

c. Pete Best quitting the Beatles in 1961.

d. Chamberlain making concessions to Hitler.

e. Bill Clinton scoping his interns  and thinking “It’s not like anybody would find out”

f. Staying with that girl for so long after she introduced you to her 8 cats and told them you were going to be their “Daddy”.

g.  The series of decisions that led to the Halle Berry “Catwoman” movie.

h.The professor in the class I’m in right now waking up one morning and saying, “You know what?  From now on, only Tommy Bahama shirts.  I just don’t give a rat’s ass anymore.”

i. Saved by the Bell “The College Years”

Courtesy of ShareTV.ORG

j. Me asking for a Dreamcast instead of an N64 back in ’99.

k.  Rita Revolta deciding against attacking say Washington D.C. or Tokyo in favor of sending monsters down to Angel Grove every week (which apparently she was convinced was a big military strategic point for the U.S.)

l.. Getting pregnant on purpose so your boyfriend would stay with you. A baby fixes everything!

m. Blaming McDonalds for America’s rapid obesity rates, when  it’s clearly Michael Jordan’s fault.

n. Tilikum, the largest whale in captivity deciding to drag and drown his SeaWorld trainer in front of a bunch of little kiddies and basically euthanizing himself.

o. Majoring in music and thinking everything’s gonna turn out fine…    (You know what? Nevermind.  Their program didn’t get cut.  Maybe they’re smarter then we all thought.  Hats off to you guy who thinks majoring in French Horn is a better plan than just getting started on your career at Red Robin now).

p. Electing Jim Gibbons.

q. Jesus letting Judas into his crew.

r. Betting my tuition money on the Nevada v. SMU Bowl Game.

s. Fox canceling Family Guy and Arrested Development so they’d have more room in their lineup for gems like Andy Richter Controls the Universe and Titus.

t.  The Power Ranger’s decision to not just get the Mega Zord out right away.  They’ve suffered so many explosions on their chests and allowed, what at this point has to be billions of dollars in property damage, all due to their prideful reluctance to just get out the power sword 5 seconds into every fight.  Hey Jason, we get that you can do a lot of flips and they’re awesome, but how about you just save the town and then we can all watch you do karate down at the highschool/rec center/ juicebar/ whatever the hell that place is exactly where you all hang out.

u. Putting your dick in a blender

v.  Graham-Leach-Bliley de-regulating financial boundaries and encouraging institutions to over-lerverage themselves on high-risk subprime mortgage security bundles…Oh wait no one understands what that means?

Okay, then how about Aladdin not freeing the Genie when he said he would and letting Jafar steal the lamp.

w.  Parents who let their kids get into competitive luge(assuming these parents don’t hate their children and want them to die, if they do want them to die then this is a great move).

x. Looking at the young, hilarious Co-Co O’brien and thinking “Nah you know what though?  At least 15 people in America think Jay Leno’s funny.  Yeah he may be almost 60, but I really want to see when that weird black spot on his head finally goes white.  Screw it, let’s keep him.”

y. Britney Spears going with a winner like K-Fed instead of Justin Timberlake.

z. Mary-Todd Lincoln pushing so much to go to the theater instead of agreeing to just staying in, renting a movie and ordering Chinese food.

Hopefully by now you’ve seen the video of Governor Jim Gibbons being interviewed/surprised by the Las Vegas Now I-Team as he got home from the airport the other night.  If not go ahead and watch it here.


Okay did you watch it?  Good.  I know, we can’t believe it either.  How is this guy really the one making the decisions on which of our state programs to cut?  Further more, how did he even get elected?  We aren’t positive on either of these but if we were speculating on the latter we’d say he got elected based on an elaborate double dare.



To help you try and make some sense of this, the Nevada Spacesuit is presenting this, a play-by-play analysis of what is clearly the saddest (and most unintentionally hilarious) video since “Leave Britney Alone.”



0:02 – We start off with a bombshell as Gibbons gets off the escalator. He’s wearing his sunglasses indoors like he thinks he’s Stevie Wonder. On the step directly behind him we see his main squeeze Kathy Karasch.  Now I don’t know about you but if someone I know really well, say my like girlfriend, is on the step behind me I will notice her.  Keep this in mind as you listen to what he says next.


0:19 – A reporter (who we find out later is named Jonathan), approaches Governor Gibbons and asks him who he was travelling with on this flight. Gibbons responds with the can’t-be-construed-as-anything-but-no answer “What’s it to you?”. You can already see that the next five minutes are going to be filled with mature, gubernatorial conversation.


0:40 – After a couple more “What’s it to you’s?”  Governor Gibbons claims that taxpayers didn’t pay for “it”.  When pressed on who it was, Gibbons changes lanes without signaling and says that it was just him and security on the trip.


0:56 – After denying that Kathy Karasch was on the trip or plane with him, Gibbons alleges that she’s not even in the airport.  Remember earlier when we all agreed we would notice if our gf was on the step behind us we would notice? Apparently not this guy.


1:14 Gibbons refuses to state unequivocally that Karasch isn’t in the airport and changes the subject back to the taxpayer thing again.  Likely because we were all confused by what unequivocally meant.


1:24 – The Governor of our state says that Kathy Karasch (or K-squared) being on a flight with him paid for by the state would be “impossible”.  When asked why this is impossible he says “because it wouldn’t happen.” Hmmmm, not totally sure he gets what impossible actually means.  For something to be impossible it has to be something that you can’t do, not something you won’t do. You see, I wouldn’t jump onto the football field during a game and take pee on the big N.  But, I could do it if I wanted to.  Something you would not do is different than something you could not do.  Like how a rational person wouldn’t vote for a guy who is not only a speech plagiarizer, but once said “tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie, tie-dyed liberals [in Hollywood should] … go make their movies and their music and whine somewhere else,” adding, “it’s just too damn bad we didn’t buy them a ticket” to become human shields in Iraq. But he still got elected anyway.  See, not impossible.


1:32 – Jonathan: That wasn’t Kathy Karasch who came down on the flight with you?

Gibbons : No.


1:38 – We see Kathy Karasch walking to the baggage claim.  With the grace of Olympic medalist Evan Lysencheck she pirouettes away from the cameras and heads to the ladies room. Note that when she walks in she’s wearing a stylish white overcoat.


1:52 – After a few minutes of what had to be really uncomfortable creeping outside a women’s bathroom with two giant cameras  (no real way to not look pervy on that one), Karasch comes back out of the bathroom.  This time she’s wearing a brown jacket.  That’s right; K squared thought she’d duck the reporters by changing her jacket. Hey Kay Kay, do you know how the reporters knew it was you in the first place? Your face. Believe it or not they did not identify you by your jacket.  I can guarantee you that the RGJ has never ran a report with the headline “Gibbons sends over 800 text messages to a woman in a white coat”. Pretty sure they ran more along the lines of “Gibbons sends over 800 text messages to Kathy Karasch”.  So unless your plan for a disguise was donning a ski mask of some kind (inadvisable in an airport by the way), I’m not really sure what your angle was.


1:56 – Here’s where it really gets rough.  Reporter Jonathan begins interviewing K-2 as she borderline jogs out to the parking lot.  He starts peppering her with questions about where she was and if she was with the Governor. It’s here we find that K Dub has an interesting tell.  Every time she lies or tries to deny something, she starts off the sentence with “You know what…”. No fooling.  EVERY SINGLE TIME she’s denying something she says “You know what”.  Helpful tip in the event you find yourself in a game of high stakes poker with Kay Day.


2:38 – Starting off her third sentence in the last six with “You know what…” K squared claims that the reason she turned around to go back into the bathroom when the cameras got to her was that she probably forgot to wash her hands and she’s a very clean person. Two major problems with that statement. Firstly, did you go in the bathroom because you probably forgot to wash your hands or because you did forget to wash your hands? I know its late but this happened at most 5 minutes (or however long it takes to change a coat) ago, so you should remember why you went back in there.  Secondly, anyone who is a “very clean person,” does not forget to wash their hands when they exit an airport bathroom.  Some would argue that a “very clean person” does not even enter an airport bathroom.


2:47 – Getting Warm.  K squared throws out an absolute zinger by stating that maybe she was in Las Vegas (the origin of their connecting flight) because “You know what, I could’ve been in Las Vegas having tea with the first lady”. Hahahaha were Batman and the Pope at this tea party too? Because that had just as good a chance of happening. Here’s why that was a dumb thing to say:

1. Michelle Obama was seen at the Governor’s conference you didn’t go to so she wasn’t in Las Vegas.

2. You know who Michelle Obama did have tea with this week?  The Dalai Lama.  You don’t go from spiritual leader of Tibet to girlfriend of Governor with a 10 percent approval rating.  That’s like starting off the original “We Are The World” video with Lionel Richie and then doing the next one with Justin Bieber.  No one makes that transition (oh, wait…).


3:09 – She’s heating up.  After opening the trunk for no discernable reason K-K claims that the people of Nevada need to know that Gibbons is a “very honorable and trustworthy man.”  No comment on this one, there’s no way to make that statement more hilarious.


3:21- And she’s on fire!  Kay-Z brings it all home by saying “You know it doesn’t really matter who I spent time with.  I spent time with Arnold Schwarzenegger this weekend.  Does that matter to you?” Yes.  And you know why it does?  Because Arnold Schwarzenegger is not just the man who killed T-1000, he is also the governor of California.  Do you know where all the governors where this weekend?  That’s right, at the Governor’s Conference in Washington D.C.  Where you weren’t/totes were.

(Note, if Arnold actually sent a cyborg look-alike to the conference in his place and actually spent the weekend in the jungle with Apollo Creed killing Predators, and that’s where you were with him?  Then we apologize for everything and take the whole thing back.  You Miss are an American hero and we salute you. Buuuut, if you were both actually at the Governor’s Conference, than methinks we smell a fibber).


3:39 – A member of the Governor’s security detail helps the upset Karasch into the car.  Jonathan begins questioning him about what he’s doing, and he responds by saying, get this, “No comment”.  Jonathan pursues it and the agent walks away.  How is it that this guy is the only one who knows how to handle pesky reporters?  The Governor could have gone the same way and pleaded the fifth, but instead chose to straight up lie.  Has he never seen a cop movie?  Taking a step back, we’ve got to hand it to the security guard.  We actually feel bad for this guy, he’s just trying to do his job and help out the state of Nevada.  It’s not his fault the Governor wanted to bring his “good friend” to D.C. with him.  He’s just trying to help out and keep his head down.  We like him.  Plus, he reminds us of Jack from Lost so that makes us like him a little more.  If the election was tomorrow and only people featured in this video were running, we would definitely vote for this guy (or the scruffy guy holding the other camera, he’s got spunk).


4:20 – After yet another go around of the “was she with you?”, “she wasn’t in the conference”.  Gibbons walks up to THE SAME CAR K^2 got in and starts to load his bags.  Frankly I have to admit that at this point I was jealous.  You see, my girlfriend and I have a hard time coordinating our schedules, and we talk all the time.  But the Governor of our state and KK don’t have to.  They can not know where the other one even is for a whole weekend, stumble onto the same plane, ride down the escalator inches apart without even noticing each other, never say a single word to each other in the airport, and STILL end up in the same car. That my friends, is a level of coordination and planning abilities that I will just never have. So I want to take this moment to say: I’m sorry babe, I’m sorry we’re not as dialed in as Gibbons and his lady are.


4:39 – Gibbons keeps claiming Karasch wasn’t at the conference and Jonathan tells him that she claimed she met the Governor of California this weekend.  Gibbons takes a second to think about it, and then dead serious says “well she met him somewhere.”  It would seem the Governor is also unsure of just where the Kindergarten Cop was this weekend and may even possibly subscribe to our cyborg decoy/predator hunt theory.


5:11 – Gibbons tries to justify what he said earlier by claiming Kathy Karasch was not in D.C. and only joined him in Las Vegas.  Jonathan points out that this would still make his earlier statement that she was not in the airport a lie.


He then brings up the thing that we should be writing about, the fact that this week there is a special session to cut away $1 billion from Nevada’s state budget, a large piece of which Gibbons wants to come out of our University. When Jonathan asks him why he’s just now getting back from a trip on which he may or may not have been accompanied by a woman who was not his wife (because the divorce has yet to be legally finalized.  Classy.) the GibGov just loses it.  In what is probably his only candid moment of the interview, the Governor tells Jonathan that he is full of shit.

He just loves the piss out of that black turtle neck look


Now look, who would we be to criticize the use of colorful language?  We’ve used it ourselves in the past.  Sometimes when you’re mad it just comes out.  We’ve sworn at calculus tests so we can certainly see him swearing at the kid who’s been grilling him and his (maybe) lady friend.  The swearing is not what we’re mad about. What we’re mad about is that this guy is going to try and get the legislature to cut funding for education this week.  He’s doing it because Nevada can’t raise the money that most states can because we don’t have income tax.  Gibbons thinks that adopting an income tax is impossible (because he wouldn’t do it) because businesses would not want to come here if we had one.  But you know what else would make businesses not want to come here? People who graduated from half a university. Other states have income taxes and businesses still go there.  But no business will go to a place that doesn’t the people who are trained to work there.


Cutting education is cutting our future.  It is cutting our children’s future and it is cutting any potential gubernatorial love child’s future.  We cannot in good conscience stand by while this liar who doesn’t understand how cameras work decides to cut education.  This guy is at the wheel, and it is irresponsible of us to let him drive us all off a cliff.  So write letters, call your state senators and protest the capital.  Make signs, start facebook groups, where bitingly clever t-shirts.  If we want Nevada to stay relevant past next Tuesday, we have to protect it from Fred Flinstone’s older, more confused brother.  This is your time, rise up and make sure that a guy who doesn’t even know how to tell a lie that makes sense doesn’t get his way.


Finally we leave you with this: If you get active and education doesn’t get cut, we promise that we will take you to a tea party in Las Vegas with Michelle Obama.

Look times are tough out there.  And as college students who either rely on entry level jobs at Port O’ Subs or your parents, you probably don’t have a lot of discretionary scrilla either.  No sir these are not times of stunna shades and midgets hangin from yo necklace.  However, that does not mean you should stop sippin on gin and juice; rather, you just need to learn to make the most out of the gin and juice on which you are sipping.

This friends, is our manifesto:

1. Pre game.  Everything.

2. Be a hot girl who’s not afraid to talk to a creepy older gentlemen for 10-20 minutes.

PS. You could also try this with a younger man but we feel worse about young World of War Craft virgins getting their hopes up and the getting shot down then we do about guys with kids.  Ladies have a heart, if you use a lonely nerd to buy you drinks all night, be a dear and give him a handy in the alley behind the bar.  I can guarantee you he won’t last long enough for you to finish the drink he bought you on the way out.  We’re not asking you to sleep with them or even get in their car (or on the back of their Luck Dragon), we live in a capitalist society here people, not everything can be free).

PPS. This is especially true if you’re not that hot.  5’s and 6’s shouldn’t be all high and mighty and automatically shoot down 3’s and 4’s who’ve bought them drinks all night.

PPPS. Those last two parts were really just wishful thinking.  You can totally use guys for free drinks if you have both of your boobs and a pulse.

3. Don’t be afraid to add a little volume to your home made cocktails with some cough syrup.  Mike Jones and Paul Wall sip the syzurp all the time and they turned out just fine.

4. Give blood that morning so it hits you harder.

5. Better yet, sell your blood at Biomat and the use the money to double all your cocktails at the break.  That’s double the booze with only 3/4’s the blood.  This my friends is what they’re talking about when they teach optimization in all your business classes.

6. But maybe you only have a few beers or shots at your disposal and you’re in a time crunch.  This is where you have to get creative.  Pound everything you have as fast as you can.  Count to 30 and then turn your head upside down so all the blood rushes to your head.  Hold it there until the room starts spinning and then come back up.  This won’t get you all the way there and it won’t last long, but it will hold over if you’re starting to come down at a basketball game with 5 minutes left and they cut of alcohol sales at halftime.

Speaking of which…

7. Don’t ever buy more than two beers at a basketball game.  Get one when you walk in and one right before half time.  Anything other than that and you’re being taken for a ride.  You might as well be importing your beer from Japan in hand painted glass bottles for those prices.

8. Always remember that smoking a cigarette will take you up at least 2 levels on the drunkeness scale for 15-20 minutes.  You can always bum these from people if you ask really nicely and pretend you just moved here from Michigan to strike up a conversation (well, that’s what I do).

9. Sneak a flask into the game.  They will pat you down but they can’t pat over your crotch so hide it there. And if they do, just tell them you’re happy to see them.  Now I know what you’re thinking, “Hey Spacey, won’t that be cold on my pene/hoo-ha?” Not if you wear another pair of underwear underneath.  I know right? Why didn’t you think of that before?

David Bowie demonstrates our flask in the groin technique

10.  When you’re in a meeting with a professor wait until they look away and then look between their desk and the wall.  80 percent chance there’s either half a bottle of Jack or last year’s midterm back there.  Either way you win.

11. Get on the Beer Pong table and stay there.

12. Even if you don’t have any money still go out with your friends.  Eventually one of them will be a little tipsy and just start buying you stuff.

13. Two words: Sugar Mama

14. Wear a bunch of sweaters and sit by the heater when you drink.  The heat will make it hit you more.  If you have access to a greenhouse this will be even sweeter.

15. Notice we haven’t told you to be one of those douches who shows up to a party with six of his boys chain smoking in hoodies asking “Where’s the beer at?”  That’s because don’t be that guy.  You’re better than that.  Rule of thumb always bring at least something to a party.  Even if its just half a Redbull, no one likes the guy who shows up and grabs eight beers before talking to anyone.  We’re only here to teach people.

16. Of course you and we both know that the cheapest way to get housed is actually doing it at your house.  As long as you have a sober driver to wherever you’re going we totes recommend this (also if you’re within roller blading distance and there aren’t any steep hills).

Here is the best cheap stuff in the Reno when you’re gaming it at home.  Keep in mind that any way you can incorporate Street Fighter 4 into the mix is only gonna make this better.

a. Whatever your roommate has in the fridge.

b. Cheap Gordon’s vodka and orange gatorade.  I swear its great.

c. Robitussin and Splenda.

d. Apple juice you left in your window in the sun that has hopefully fermented into moonshine.

e. When you’re low on milk and vodka combine them into the same container.  You will have white russians ready to go and your milk will last longer because of the alcohol.  Your Count Chocula will taste like the Devil’s chode though.

f. Whatever’s in that bottle that’s been on top of your fridge from that party you had 7 months ago.  Remember we’re not going for taste here.

17. Go down to Lucky Liquor Mart #2 on Wells by Juicy’s.  They have 12 packs of 32 oz Natty Light for $15.  It’s like legal stealing.

On a serious note the Nevada SpaceSuit wants you to know that we in no way endorse drunk driving.  It’s good to have fun, but it’s not good to have the kind of fun that ends you in a drunk tank or in a life time filled with guilt.  Also, the thing you see in the back of cabs or walking home a little saucy are wondorous and always unique, like Ferngully.

Valentine’s Day is swiftly approaching so we here at the SpaceSuit offices thought we should address the topic of love.  One of the things that makes college so magical is the possibility of meeting your future spouse in your poli sci class or over an orange kool-aid post-orgy.  However, no one just walks into the one they want to spend the rest of their life with, and the people who do well we hope you divorce each other. For everybody else who’s love life isn’t like as straight forward as a fortune cookie …. You’ve gotta drink a lot of vodka and you have to date a lot of people.  Here to help you see who some of these lucky individuals are gonna be, here’s a list of the people you WILL hookup with in college.

The Drunken Mystery

Did we? didn’t we? I can’t tell.  All you know for sure is that you can’t find your panties and that in and of itself is a problem. This probably happened before you realized pouring Crystal Light in your Vod isn’t the same as using a mixer and you had a bit too much to drink (or it could also be the night you found out the Cue and Cushion will give you 10 beers for $1 on Mondays, the choice, as Olmec from Legends of The Hidden Temple would tell you, “Is yours and yours alone”).  Anyway you’ll end up hooking up with someone that night, and then totes not remembering it at all the next morning.  You’ll hear stories about this person from your friends.  Sometimes they’re good, sometimes they’re bad; either way your mind will never be totally at ease until you figure out who it was.  Every time you pass a hottie you’ll hope it was them, and every time you pass someone who looks like they would be more at home in the Death Star’s trash compactor room you’ll shudder and remind yourself that you really do need to get up to the health center for that gonorrhea test.  Although we will say that the process of elimination on figuring out who it was is just thrilling.  It’s like playing a real-life version of “Guess Who”.

The Dorm Buddy

When you’re a freshman, pretty much anyone is hot. You know why? Because you can have sex whenever you want.  Also the stir fry at the DC has a lot of MSG.  That combined with the warm Dr. Pepper under your roommate’s bed will spark a chemical reaction that leads to blowing guys named “Big E” or “Scooter”.

High School GF/BF

We get it. You had a connection.. you watched the whole series of the OC together. Bottom line  is that you’ve been dating since you were 16.  Well, now you’re in college and to tell you the truth, there are wayyy hotter peeps out there. AND you don’t have to marry them (Unless you’re reading this from a computer at BYU, then you actually probably do).

The Grenade

Everyone’s gotta take one for the team sometime.  The fat friends are never content to just sit in your living room while you cook yourself some drunk ramen and your roommate takes their friend upstairs to show her his Jack Johnson records.  She’ll get bored (read: hungry) and your boy’s gonna have to take his CD out before “Banana Pancakes” is even over.  So, you’re gonna have to do some entertaining, and possible MO’ing.  One man always has to jump on the grenade to keep it from hitting everyone.  You won’t take it every time, but you will take it.

The Study Buddy

Here’s how this will happen.  It will be late, you’ll be sick of writing your GD Biology Lab and you’ll notice just how good your lab partner looks. It may or may not be the fact that you’re sleep deprived, eight Rock Stars deep and haven’t gotten some action since youporn became a pay site. Bottom line is there are four floors and a shit ton of book shelves.

The Face Book Whore

This person is more notable for what happens post-hookup.  Naturally since you’ve seen this girl naked you’re gonna want to add her as a friend on facebook, chivalry demands it.  Anyway after you add her you’re going to notice that this girl has like 2,000 friends.  Now, being a man you know why you add girls as “friends” on facebook.  This chick gets around.  Every time you see someone poke her you’re gonna kind of freak out.  And then you’re gonna see she’s friends with the whole basketball team and you’re gonna fell a little… actually just little.

The “Oh Shit I Was Jaded By The Summer”

Everybody just looks better tan.  And half naked.  And with no one else around to talk to except the cougars at your work.

Case and point.

The Substitute

Sometimes you have yourself a situation.  This arises when you’ve been going after one person at the bar/club/dance/swap meet all night.  You’ve been chatting them up and having drinks, mentally prepared to consummate the night in the back seat of your Geo.  And then suddenly they’re gone.  Maybe you went to the bathroom? Maybe you stepped out to take a call? Maybe they just saw you in better lighting? Either way they’re gone and now you’re a Stan without a plan (or a Linus with no vaginas).  so what do you do?  Do you give up on the night and go home to slam your head through the wall?  Or, do you continue your plans, but with a new participant?  Enter The Substitute.  Chances are that even if you’ve been going for one target you’ve been aware of the bar’s other possibilities all night.  Maybe it’s the guy who keeps not subtly staring at your chest?  Maybe it’s the girl with the birth mark and the low self-esteem? Trust us when we say you’ll know them when you see them.  Anyway, as you so often do when you’re drunk and residually horny, you make a decision that you otherwise would not.  You settle for less because you’re in a time crunch and quite frankly you don’t care any more.  But don’t look down on The Substitute.  Rather, view them akin to the way you think of  eating 30 Bagel Bites.  In the morning you’re  not gonna feel good about yourself and question some of your decision making processes.  But when you’re eating them drunk at 2:30am on your beanbag?  There’s nothing sweeter.

The Most Passable Person In A Boring Class.

This is a phenomenon much like beer goggles except that it happens before the mid to late afternoon.  When you walk into a class you immediately size up all the talent and see if there’s any girls with a hotness level of Topanga or above.  You’ll categorize them in your head within the first two class periods.  You will have your  “always checkouts”, your “sometimes checkouts – always if showing a lot of boob”, and the “moderate to never checkouts”.  There won’t be a Topanga in every class. in many of them you’ll be left with nothing but D.J. Tanner level girls and broken dreams.  Anyway, you’ll end up hooking up with a girl who might be a gem in your CH discussion, but in the real world she’s just another 6.

The Pi Beta Phi

I think they have to eff like 15 dudes before they can become a full fledged sister.  I think it the same deal  Mohawk Braves have with white man scalps.

The One That Got Away… but you still compare everyone else to them

Listen, we’ve all got this person.  And I believe you. You were meant to be together and if it wasn’t for your serious black tar heroin addiction, you’d still be  feeling each other up in the library.  This is the one person who at the mention of their name, it sends you into a tizzy. And by tizzy, I mean alcoholic rage. But listen, it’s not fair to compare the one that got away to the one you’re dating now.

February Horoscopes

February 8, 2010

February is the month of the Aquarians. Therefore, these horoscopes are going to be right on the nose. Like, I’d take us seriously this time or something will happen to you. We’re just not sure what.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

Hello, beautiful. You know, you look absolutely stunning this whole entire month.

We’re gonna pump our egos a little bit.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Go against the grain, skip the roses and chocolates for Valentine’s Day and instead get her a toupet and an Asian grad student to write her stump speeches for President’s Day.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

If we were to compare your life to a point in the first Bill and Ted movie, we’d say you’re right about to kidnap Abraham Lincoln from his office.  It’s kind of a lull right now but in a little bit you and all your wacky time traveling friends are gonna hit the mall and shit is just gonna go bananas.

ps. if you had a time machine and you use it to bring Abraham Lincoln all the way to 1988 to help with your history report wouldn’t you at least have the decency to give him the heads up on the assassination attempt coming his way in a few months?  It really seems like the least you could do.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Pancreatic.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

If you bet on the Saints this week you’re gonna win huge.  Wait what?  We should’ve remembered to publish this before the Super Bowl.  Dang.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

Just walk around campus listening to “Hot in Herrre” and and “Pimp Juice” on a loop.  Your week will be better.  Like alarmingly so.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

You’re gonna do something very bad and very illegal.  And you’re definitely gonna smell like pumpkins and shame afterwards.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

Be someone other than Lui Kang on Mortal Kombat this weekend.  We’re not impressed that you can shoot a lot of fire balls. It’s forward-forward-high punch, we know, we’ve known since 1991.  Grow up holmes

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

I don’t care what your girlfriend says she’ll let you do after, if you go to “Dear John” you might as well be cutting your penis off and running it up a flag pole for all to see.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

Someone who knows your deepest darkest secret will approach you about it.  You should just come clean and save yourself the embarrassment of a poorly thought out lie.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Awesome Ed Hardy shirt brah.  Also totes diggin’ the spikes up top with the oaks on the beak.  Let’s pump up the Creed and blow this joint.

Aries (March 21-April 19):

Make Saggittarius’ think that you know their deepest secrets.  They will spill everything.  And if we have to tell you to blackmail them after than you need this horoscope more than we imagined.

So although our blog is hilarious and we’re rapidly approaching world wide fame with 268 Facebook fans,  it’s not always an easy life. We tend to be offensive, obnoxious, biased, funny, spiteful, single minded and most importantly, filled with this unshakable Pack Pride. (suck on that UNLV). But, turns out not everybody is on Team NSS. To show you the rough life we lead (sex, drugs and blog rolls) we’ve posted some of our best hate mail. And of course, our responses.

From: John Wilkins afconnery@unr.edu 134.197.22.10

Your article contains the following error:
“Not only is today the Nevada SpaceSuit’s birthday, but it is also Veteran’s Day. That’s right, we have the same birthday as the armed services”

The armed services came about with the creation of the United States Army on June 14th, 1775. I thought you guys were in college. You couldn’t even research a rather easy topic like Veteran’s Day. It was made to honor veterans.

So, next time you want to go out and act like idiots, don’t do it while you claim to be this great free media. You give intelligent free-thinkers a bad name.

Our response:

Our dearest John Wilkins,

We are so sorry for offending you. We’ll have our editors fix it right away! But to tell you the truth, Wikipedia was down that day so we just made it up. Kinda like the rest of this blog…

But how’s this for some research? We didn’t want to let you down again.

Name: CONNERY, FREDERICK (FRED)

Title: ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT III

Department: CAMPUS RECREATION & WELLNESS

Mail Stop: 0422
Location LRC230

Phone: (775) 784-1546

Fax: (775) 784-1330

Email: fconnery@unr.edu

Oh, and we’re lovin your user pic http://www.facebook.com/fred.connery?ref=nf



From: Sir Thomas More ertnlv89@gmail.com

At least the Red Cannon looks better then the puke paintjob UNR puts it on it. Must be the budget cuts.

Our Response:

Thanks for chiming in Sir Thomas. I must tell you we’re honored that you took time off from battling the evils of Lutheranism to time travel forward to 2009 to weigh in the color of the cannon (which in all honesty must be surprising to you in many ways, as cannons will not be introduced in Europe until after you die. For serious, are you having an Encino Man going to the amusement park with Pauly Shore moment right now?). Anyway, two points on what you just said:
1. 63 points on 773 yards. Go ahead and read that again.
2. I have to question your diet if your definition of normal puke color is a majestic navy blue. We’re not sure what you’re eating but maybe you should try getting some more fruit in there or something bro.

Majestic Navy Blue is an Understatement

Okay, and sometimes (about as often as I get that weird rash) we get some fan mail:


From: Little Blogdorf blogdorf.wordpress.org mike@lilwal.com

Nice poem. Dr. Suess meets Dr. Dre. I always thought the only thing missing from Suess books were gratuitous vulgarity. Well done. Keep up the good work.

Our response:

Thanks Blogdorf,
Like both Doctors, Seuss and Dre, we are in fact straight outta Compton. So I guess it’s just in our DNA.

From: Caitlin Cakey56@hotmail.com

Just wanted to let you guys know how much this blog kicks ass. It kinda made me want to start writing at the University. Wow, I know. A little intense. But its true. I write the sex column for the UNR Sagebrush and I try to keep it silly and edgy (well, as much as I can get away with at the fucking Sagebrush. Ha ha. Keep up the good shit and check out my writings if you are ever bored. Also, I’m always down for advise from a more experienced writer as I am totally new to this.
-Caitlin Thomas
ps-WHO ARE YOU GUYS? Haha

Our response:

We really appreciate those kind words Caitlin. But to tell you the truth, it’s making me uncomfortable. I only know how to put people down and make sarcastic comments (call me a passive aggressive, if you must). So in all honestly, I’m gonna have to make this short. So thanks for the fan mail, keep up your creepy sex columns for the Sagebrush (I’m sorry, I’m just not as open with my sexuality as you are after the third baby-scare). And seriously, don’t rely on us for inspiration to “kinda make you want to start writing at the University” – we’re an unreliable source (as John Wilkins will confirm) and really we’re mostly drunk.

It’s the first day of school and there’s things to be done.  If you don’t get all the things done you need to now before homework and CH induced apathy, you never will.  So here the Nevada Space Suit presents your guide to the first day of school.

Happy to be here

1.  Take something for your hangover and be thankful you’re not some naive freshmen who thinks they should take 8 o’clock classes anymore.

2. Shave, have some self respect you scruffy bastard.

3. You’re also probably gonna want to switch from last month’s schedule of changing your underwear every five days to a more respectable 2 day chones max.

4. Don’t feel like you have to take all your old notebooks out of your backpack just b/c its a new semester, there’s still at least 15 pages left in the back of the yellow one.

5. Hit Trojes.  Going here every day will remind you why its worth it to be a Finance Major.

6. See a kid from your accounting class last semester who you don’t really know but recognize.  Make eye contact and realize they also recognize you but are unsure of how to handle this situation.  Pretend you’re getting a call and look down at your phone.

7. Go to Lombardi and burn off the all the fat that accumulated while you were playing Dragon Age and eating Cheetos with your boy Keith.  You already didn’t go the whole year without drunk dialing an ex, lose some weight and keep at least one of those New Year’s resolutions dammit.  Also, for the first two week that place is hot chicks on elliptical machines city, enjoy it while it lasts.

8. Freshmen, stay with your girlfriend.  This isn’t like the beginning of fall semester where a halter top parade marches through the quad every day.  Stay the course and wait it out until you end up making out with some chick from Wisconsin in a Cabana at Spring Break (more on girls and how the state they are from corresponds with their level of sluttiness on Spring Break coming at a future date).

9.  If by chance, you wrote a mean letter to Vai Taua that was seen by 500 people, and he DIDN’T end up leaving school, avoid him like the effing plague.  You can’t out run him so you’ll probably need to hide.  We suggest the Library.

10.  Make a first day of school playlist.  If you’re doing it right here are the tracks you should have:

  • OMC “How Bizarre”
  • Kesha “Tic Toc” (ps put it on now, b/c in three weeks this’ll be all the way played out, unless its the remix w/Pitbull, then you have like 2 more months.)
  • Electric SweaterVest Experience “January IS Sex Month”
  • Harry Potter Soundtrack “Theme Song From the Half Blood Prince” (watch UNR become Hogwarts before your muggle eyes.  Start with Glick as Dumbledore and it all just flows from there.
  • “Somebody’s Watching Me (Geico Remix)” 
  • The rest is up to you, we can’t all have the same playlist or it’ll turn into “1984” choose your own wild card.

11. Don’t be that prick who raises his hand every ten minutes on the first day.  Nobody likes that guy. Instead be the chick who’s thong hangs way out of her pants  in the front row, everybody loves her.

This article is dedicated to the fine young gentlemen of the Nevada football team, and more specifically, to star running back Vai Taua.  Young Mr. Taua was Nevada’s leading rusher this year, gaining over 1,400 total yards with 12 touchdowns, basically we’re saying he was good.

How effin' adorable

Unfortunately Vai wasn’t able to play in Nevada’s bowl game (which will be known as Pearl Harbor 2: Trouble In Paradise) because he wasn’t academically eligible for the spring semester.  Vai sat the game out, our top-ranked rushing offense looked anemic and SMU made us their girlfriends like we were in a prison shower.

Needless to say, we hated it.  The NSS offices have been a dark place ever since.  Maybe you can tell by us not having said anything about this game for a week that we were pretty broken up about it.  We’ve basically been the blogging equivalent of the red ring of death mixed with that American Indian guy from those 70s PSA’a who used to cry when he looked at landfills and stuff.

Anyway, in order to make sure this never happens again we’ve taken it upon ourselves to make a guide for our students to follow to ensure that we are never again left high and dry by someone failing a survey of jazz test (yeah, that was the class). The basketball team needed our help with the “guide to stealin’ mo’ betta” and now we’re trying to help out the football team.   Also it is worth noting that this list was made assuming the reader was an athlete, lists for greeks and a regular people will follow in the future.

1.  Because you’re an athlete, you get to pick out your classes before everybody else.  You know what kind of student you are, there are actually some athletes that are very smart, certainly smarter than us, and we don’t want to make broad generalizations.  But if you don’t think you should be signing up for Physics 485, then chances are you’re right. Make sure you pick out classes with words like “dance”, or “volleyball”, or “intro to” in the title.  Avoid classes with the words “econometrics”, or “advanced”, and possibly even “math”.

2. Once you’ve signed up for classes, the most important thing to do is to make sure you get to the first class on time.  You’re going to want to get there on time for a few reasons.  First off, the teacher will think you’re not just some lazy athlete.  Secondly, you can make sure you get a seat in the back by the 5 other football players who will undoubtedly be hanging out back there.  The third and most important reason is that this will give you the best opportunity to find the kid who is going to be doing your homework this semester.  When everyone goes around and says something about themselves on the first day, look for the kid who something about science camp or uses really big words when they say what their interests are (important:  “Kardashian” should not count as one of these big words, depending on the girl it will probably end in some anonymous sex, but not in a passing grade).

3. When you pick out the person who will be doing your homework this year (they will henceforth be referred to as “the mule”), you need to weigh all the factors.  There are two main types of mules you should be looking at, either the nerdy football head guy who thinks you are a living god, or the innocent, naive girl who thinks you actually like her for her (note, you’ll need to catch this girl in the fall semester of her freshmen year, this is the last time girls will believe this).  Both of these people will do your homework as long as you hang out with them and pretend to be their friend.  To pick up the football head nerd, talk to him a lot about stats and stuff and how you’ll get him some of your old team shirts and invite him to football parties (you don’t actually have to invite him to parties).  The girl will be easier to pick up, you’re a football player and you’re in phenomenal shape, just lift up your shirt and ask her if she likes the situation.  If life is like the “Jersey Shore”, and hopefully it is, you two will be making out in your hot tub and making sandwiches in no time.  Afterwards you can ask her if she’ll do your homework.

4. Go to class.  We know it sucks.  Skipping class is a time honored collegiate tradition and if we had it our way everyone would be able to skip classes equal amounts and professors would be none the wiser.  Unfortunately if you’re on the football team you probably weigh between 200-350 pounds, are built like a truck, and are a little more than noticeable when splashed on a canvas of lily white World of Warcraft enthusiasts with beer bellies and little to no muscle definition.  Long story short, the teacher is going to notice you’re not there.  (Note: if you’re one of the kickers you can ignore that last paragraph, you guys just look like geology majors who got their hands on some sweatpants).

5.  Do what every other kid in college does and CHEAT.  Seriously, you show me one engineering student who went through “Fluid Dynamics” without someone’s old notes and I will show you a liar with an engineering degree.  Get notes from people, get old tests.  There are drawers full of every test anyone’s ever taken at this school in some of the frat houses.  Those guys used to play football in high school, they think you’re cool.  They’re desperate to have a black friend, they will let you look in those drawers.  Now I know what you’re saying, “Well gee that is a swell idea, but what if the teacher catches me?  I’d really be up a creek then!” Here’s the thing, as we mentioned before, you are built like small, mobile, buildings.  Professors are built like zip lock bags filled up with peanut butter, flex the guns a little bit and all will be forgotten (except with Paul Mitchell, don’t fuck with that guy.  We’re 90 percent sure he used to be “Gemini” on the old American Gladiators show).

Hopefully you guys can follow these steps and pass all your classes (even the brain busters like survey of jazz) this spring and be eligible for next year’s season.  And p.s., Ault, “evaluating Taua’s role with the team”?  We all know he’s coming back.  You don’t do the Family Matters without Eddie y’know?  I mean sure, he doesn’t get all the press and the headlines like Urkel (Kaepernick)

Borderline suicidal.  That’s how the Nevada Spacesuit, much like yourself, felt after watching Nevada get crushed by SMU in the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl last week.  That got us here at the spacesuit thinking about terrible things that could have happened that would have been not as bad as what happened on Thursday.  Here, as always, is an alphabet list of things that, while terrible, still would not have been as bad as what happened at Pearl Harbor 2: Trouble In Paradise.

a.  Lebron James deciding to quit the NBA and use his 4 years of eligibility at UNLV

b. The economy crashes again.

c. 20th Century Fox cancels funding for the Arrested Development movie to concentrate on Bride Wars 2.

d. It turns out that Mortal Kombat was based on a true story and Outworld invades Earthrealm.

e. All those Italian activists actually get Jersey Shore canceled.

f. The polar ice caps melt.

g. Your boyfriend gets fat.

h. I have to hear one more thing about Tiger God damn Woods.

i. Running into your old boyfriend who is no longer fat.

j. Vai Taua pumps the break on weed for a little bit and actually does his jazz homework.

k. It’s discovered that a little alien has been living in his head, controlling Barack Obama Men In Black style.

l. Limp Bizkit breaks up.

m. Y2K hits ten years late.

n. Your parents tell you that you were adopted. Also, that they’ve only kept you so long because it’s part of an elaborate bet your “Dad” made in college.

o. You think you’re going to the prom with Patrick, he’s a moody Australian transfer student with dashing good looks who totally “gets you”.  Even after you tried to blow him off he still pursued you and took you on an awesome paintball/pedal boat date.  You all go to the prom and your younger sister Alex Mac punches your ex boyfriend in the nose and doesn’t even get kicked out, she just keeps dancing with the kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun.  Then suddenly, when everything is going great, you find out Patrick was paid to take you out.  F.Y.L.

Patrick woo-ing you at soccer practice

p. Back To The Future turns out to be a lie and we don’t all get hoverboards within the next 5 years.

q. Your mom friends you on facebook and starts making weird comments on all your drunk pictures.

r. U-Swirl closes.

s. They open up a cantina (cantina meaning “bar” in Spanish) in the union that doesn’t even serve alcohol.  Oh wait….

t. Gold ‘n Silver stops being open 24 hours a day.  Drunk college students, hobos, and pimps who like to show their bottom bitches a classy time riot in the streets.

u. You go to a 2-D showing of Avatar. You didn’t even know they didn’t show it in 3-D, which is like the whole point of the movie, but they do.  You thought it was suspicious when you didn’t get 3-D glasses but you just rolled with it.  2 hours later you’re balls deep in a slightly longer and more confusing version of “Ferngully”.  Basically what I’m saying is fuck you Parklane Theaters.

v. The vampires that all chicks think are so hot turn out to be real.  Vampires everywhere embark on a spree of murder/rapes. Pandemonium ensues and America wonders what was so hot about rapist killing machines in the first place.

w. Sarah Palin gets elected. My aunt Candy loves it.

x. They stop playing Full House re-runs.

y. All your shoes get lost and you have to bring in the New Year in your roommate’s fanciest Crocs.

z. Red Ring of Death.

So there you have it, an alphabet list of things that would not have been as bad as the anal pounding we got from SMU.  But hey, Boise State won, so that’s good right? Happy New Year.

The 00’s are winding down faster than your Dad after a hard day at the mill… and we can’t believe it’s over.  A lot of sweet ass stuff happened this decade: first black president, puberty, going to college, B2K, you participating in your first make shift abortion, Jersey Shore, etc.  Everyone and your  mom is doing a list about the best of this decade.  Not the Nevada SpaceSuit.  Instead, we are going to give you our top predictions for things that will happen in the upcoming decade.  As evidenced by our horoscopes we’re bordering on Miss Cleo levels of psychic ability (secretly hardest word ever to spell right on the first time: psychic), so you should really pay attention. So here it is, our top alphabet list (this one goes all the way to Z!) of “The Teens: the stuff that’s 100% for sure happening in the next decade”

A. With the apocalypse upon us, God asks for his voice back from journalism professor Paul Mitchell.

B. You get married.

C. You get divorced.

D. The Nevada SpaceSuit still has a readership of under 200 people.

E. Mattel perfects and then mass markets hoverboards by 2015.  This one has to happen so that Back To The Future II can come true-although that’s actually true for a lot of things…

F. NEVADA finally adopts a hand gesture that looks like an actual wolf and stops stealing Texas’ hook ’em horns gesture.

G. Chris Ault introduces a new offense.  This one’s called WINNING.

H. Sales of Call of Duty will surpass most European nation’s GDP’s

I. Soccer will finally fulfill its destiny and become the most popular sport in America.

J. No it won’t.  It’s gay.

K. The shuttle drivers figure out how to space themselves out from each other.

L. Sarah Palin loses the next election, my aunt Pam can’t believe it.

M. Nevada 2100 in the Sagebrush will have failed to get any of their predictions right.  Plus it still won’t ever be funny.

N. The Athletic Department will add another wolf mascot. Her name will be Alphina. You know, so Alphie can finally get laid.

O. Casey Stiteler will run and win the position of ASUN President. Everyone still thinks it’s Eli Reilly.

P. Someone from the basketball team actually graduates

Q. Phi Delt finally reestablishes contact with the mother ship

R. I finally make the transition into being the creepy old guy at the club

S. Marcellus Kemp stops to think about how much he misses college, but goes back to cooking the fries.

T. Reno is finally able to anticipate winter coming and gets their shit together with more than 9 snow plows for the whole city.

U. Tila Tequila finally finds true love

V. Kids will talk about Twilight was such a classic from “back in the day”.  You will just want to slap the shit out of these kids.

W. A couple football players wear something other than matching Nevada sweat pants.

X. They are immediately ostracized.

Y. ASUN vice President Charlie Jose has to start shaving more than once every 3 months.

Z. The real Mark Fox is found in a lab outside Fernley. It is revealed that an evil clone engineered by Utah State quit the coaching job at Nevada and everything in the world makes sense again.

Obviously separated at birth

November 11, 2009

Happy AmericaSpaceSuit Day

Today is a special, special day.  So special that we didn’t have class today.  Perhaps you noticed?  Not only is today the Nevada SpaceSuit’s birthday, but it is also Veteran’s Day.  That’s right, we have the same birthday as the day set aside to remember those who have served in armed services.  We expect we may be twins that were separated in some sort of wacky “Sister Sister” situation.  If we had to guess we’d say we’re probably Tamara (which would make you Roger).

But perhaps you don’t believe us.  Let us prove to you that the NSS and this country’s armed services are basically the same people (only with wacky twin differences).

1. They fight for freedom… and we write for freedom. Ok more so for laughs. Whatever.

2. The average marine probably did like 200 pushups today.  We went through at least a half box of Push Pops this afternoon (though in fairness it was so we could make enough Flinstone’s cars to have a drag race).

3. We both wear uniforms. However ours have no medals. Just a pocket big enough to fit a medium sized flask.

4. We are both in the front lines of attack.. although ours is primarily through vicious hate mail.

5.Neither of us will ever go to Cantina Del Lobo after 5 because they don’t fuckin serve alcohol.

6. The Marine veterans yell “semper fi”…while we just try and figure out where we can find those drunk  Pi Phi.

7. They keep us safe from terrorists and we keep you safe from the vacuum? (OK WE TRIED!)

8. They make life or death decisions daily. We decide whether to hit Los Tres Hombres or Port of Subs before naptime.

9. They run 5 miles everyday. We go to Lombardi if its on the way to our car.

10. The Navy only had one Village People song explicitly about them. We’ve had several.

In all seriousness though, the NSS would like to take a moment to recognize all of the American soldiers, but most importantly veterans. Without them, we’d be in class right now or we could be trying to break a language barrier and forced into an arranged marriage with the ugliest mo’fo you’ve ever seen. But, the good news is that none of these things are happening to us, Hannah Montana had it right.. It IS a party in the USA.  And that’s because of the militants and veterans of a’merica.

Kaep Facts

November 10, 2009

In the words of Joe Santoro, “The strength of the pack is the wolf and the strength of the wolf is the KAP.” And we here at the Nevada SpaceSuit believe that.

Colin Kaepernick is an accomplished man.  He’s only 21 and already way more popular than you’ll ever be.  With football season in full swing he’s undoubtedly the big man on campus.

As such,  people know stuff about him.  Like that he’s already won WAC player of the week twice this season, that he was drafted by Major League Baseball but turned it down to play here, and that he looks slick in a full sweat suit and a matching hat.  However, there are other things about him that you may not know.

It is thought that these facts aren’t revealed because he would likely be forced immediately to leave Nevada and become either the governor or Iron Man.  But we here at the Nevada SpaceSuit are known for our Woodward and Bernstein level of investigative reporting.  We dug deep, and we found out that things that the government doesn’t want you to know about Colin Kaepernick.

kaep

Hottie, Hottie 2 by 4

15. He’s really left handed.  He only throws with his right so that he won’t break his receivers hands every time they catch a pass.

14. Can eat a bag of Pop Rocks with a can of Coke and barely even flinch.

13. Barry Bonds wasn’t on HGH, but he was regularly injecting himself with vials of Kaep’s sweat.

12.  In fourth grade he successfully pulled off the Powerline Dance at a school assembly (and if you don’t get that joke you haven’t seen the “Goof Troop Movie” recently enough.  In which case, come on, let out your inner child).

11. He once ate three plates of  those DC store chicken  tenders (that I swear to G are laced with LSD) and didn’t puke it all up like us mere mortals.

10.  He wears number ten.  Which all sixth graders know can be made to look like a wiener going into a vag hole.  Awesome.

9. The Pokemon? He caught ’em all.

8. He makes a really excellent Peach Cobbler.

7. He could throw the ball over them mountains.

6. If he didn’t shave between quarters Taua  would trip over his beard on every read option.

5. Is confident enough in his level of coolness to rock the Vin Diesel “I live my life a quarter mile at a time” era hair cut.

4. Him and Lippincott are buddies, they’re pals, they always work things out.  (You don’t get this one either?  Did you seriously never watch Goof Troop?  Did you grow up in the Amish country there, Jedediah?)

3. Made the Kessel run in only 11 parsecs.  Suck it Han Solo.

2. Once threw a pass so accurate, that not only did it go through the eye of a needle, but the iris and cornea as well.

1. The middle hour of “Dark Knight” is a word for word account of how he spent his summer vacation in ’07.

That's me, the dumpy Chick on the Left

That's me, the dumpy chick on the left

You know what we love giving? Contrary to popular belief, it’s not money to the poor. Instead, it’s Advice. And do you know why? We’re obviously smart. I mean, we didn’t go to UNLV and we don’t know you so its not like we could hurt your feelings. So yes, we’ve started an advice column. Turns out our readers are extremely needy.

Q: I’m addicted to FaceBook. My grades are slipping and my parents have threatened to send me to rehab… What do I do?

A: DubTeeeEfff. They have a facebook rehab??? Dude, totes go and tell us all about it. And while you’re there get hooked on crystal meth so when you come back your parents understand what a REAL addiction is like.

Q: I heard Barbara Land is an easy teacher… is it true?

A: Well despite the many rumors floating through the world wide web, we’ve never actually had sex with her, but I heard she gives out A’s like candy.

Q: I’m afraid that when I graduate I won’t be able to find employment? What do you guys suggest I do to land a job?

A: Well the first thing is stop sucking so much. Next, I’d def say that you have a degree from THE University of Nevada, so you’re pretty golden. Oh, you didn’t graduate in the nationally ranked business, journalism or engineering schools? Yikes. Well, have fun riding out the economy.

Q:I’m thinking of proposing to my girlfriend, what’s a good romantic idea?

A: Oh GOD.  You’re one of thoseeee. You’re so in love, nothing will ever tear you apart.. and man, how lucky are you to find your soulmate at TWENTY. You do realize that if you die at 85, you have 65 more years with this person. Missing out is just the beginning. But really, good luck with that.

Happy Homecoming!

October 24, 2009

new yearsOpen up that bottle of Andres you’ve been saving, today is a special occasion.

It’s Homecoming! GO PACK!

Homecoming at Nevada is really one of the best times of the year.  Also, in a stroke of cleverness the HC Crew has picked Dr. Seuss as the theme.  In honor of Homecoming and psychedelically colored anthropomorphic animals (our two favorite things) we have written this poem about the most wonderful time of the year:

KC-Screen-Ad

October is passing and Homecoming is here,

Pour out the Blue Thunder and let out a cheer

Midterms are coming and you really should study

But instead you’re cigarette bumming saying fuck books

Kapernick’s running and Kapernick’s throwing

The frats are float building and way over bro-ing

Thetas hate Tri-Delts and Tri-Delts hate Thetas

Although to 85% of this campus that’s just useless data

At the talent show Sigma Kappa grins cheek to cheek

While most apathetic students just think its free burger week

People don’t care, and perhaps they have reason,

After all it is almost snowboarding season,

But there are some of us that do, and for this we rejoice

We’ll be the ones in the student section, bringing the noise,

So go ahead and be oblivious, let the good times pass,

Just know it’s like walking by Shakira, and not scoping her ass (so pointless)

Wolves are a hopping and wolves are a skipping,

Vandals are heaving their tears are all dripping

And it’s not cuz they’re sneeches without stars on their breeches

Not cuz they’re road leeches or some kind of who-peaches

They know they’re going down and the reason’s a cinch

It’s because they’re Christmas, and we’re the mutha-fuckin’ Grinch

Go Pack.

It seems like we always get the same goddamn questions asked of us over and over. So, instead of trying to get in contact with us, spare everyone the boredom and check out our new frequently asked question section. And if your question isn’t here… why don’t you do everyone a favor and keep it to yourself.

faq

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):
So you didn’t get shitastically hammered at the UNLV game. Go you! However, during the Homecoming game your outlook doesn’t look as lucky. An all day, weekend long celebration never really works out in your favor. Weird.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Also rhymes with Stegosaurus.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Swimming upstream is sometimes hard, little fish. But know that swallowing your pride is half the battle. This month, try and not talk only about yourself. That shiz gets annoying.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):
You know what we hate? Paper cuts. You should too. But only for October.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):
In the words of one of my Facebook friends who just updated their status, “haters can suck it.” Don’t get down on yourself this month Leo. Remember your leader,  Mufasa’s wisdom: “One day, Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new king.”

Aries (March 21-April 19):
We just want you to know that all this rain is probably your fault.  Although you should also know that we’re not so much mad as we are impressed by your apparent wizard-like powers (but still a little mad).

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):
This month, you’re ugly. So there’s that…

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):
To avoid getting your picture taken and put on PeopleofWalmart.com – lose the ponytail. Seriously.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):
Oh Gemini! Sweet, lovable, perfect, laugh out loud funny Gemini.  Wanna make out? No? Ok.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):
Oh shizzz! It’s your birthday. Wait, we don’t like you. Go to hell.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):
We already know you’re thinking of being Michael Jackson for Halloween. As well as allll the other signs.  It’s a “bad, bad, really, really bad” idea.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):
You know who we like? Sagebrush sports editor Juan Lopez. You should totally date him. You’re a dude? NBD.

Lookin' good blondie

Lookin' good blondie

So for those of you who missed it (although it didn’t seem like many of you did) last night was a classic one for the Little Waldorf,  all the stereotypes were there.  You know, the people who will always show up at the Wal on a Thursday night. We know who they are, but incase you don’t (what are you, socially retarded?) … Here are our favorites.

a. The guy who you really only marginally know but they act like you’re closer than Ernie and Bert.  This guy is always either phenomenally wasted, there pretty much by himself, or both.  You have to look out for this character, he’s probably not rolling that deep and so he is a danger to suddenly become part of your group.  Other people who came with you will start to question your ability as a judge of character for wanting to hang out with this guy.  He’ll probably also try to bring up some story he remembers from a long time ago that involved you and him.  It’s almost always either a story about one “hella crazy CH discussion” or some test that was “way too hard bro.  Like seriously, eff that ess”.

b. The over-hugger.  This person (like many in this list) will hug you either every 6 minutes, or every time you leave and come back, whichever comes first.  They are sure to spill at least one of your drinks with their quick mtions and flailing limbs.  Also, they will want to give you there number at least 3 or 4 times throughout the night (though due to their drunkenness at least one of these will by a totally mystifying stream of seven or eight 5’s).

c.  The person who keeps going outside to spark one up.  They swear they only smoke when they drink (however as they all have their own packs we must often examine the validity of this claim).

d. Greg Bailor.  Seriously, this guy is there every time and not just Thursdays either.  Why they don’t have either a bust of him mounted outside or list him as an official sponsor is beyond us.  This guy is always good for a cheers to whatever you’re talking about or for a detailed explanation of how he will some day become governor (which btdub, convinces me every time).

Governor Bailor and his "constituencies"

Governor Bailor and his "constituencies"

e.  That Mexican dude in the cowboy hat who tries to hustle everyone at pool.  Apparently we keep him young.

f. That person who is one of your gf/bf’s “best friend” from freshman year (aka they made out… a lot).  They insist on doing shots together, which your better half tells you is “not a big deal” and “just between friends” and “look, he just knows kamikazes are my favorite drink so he keeps buying me them.”  This guy is a fuck bag.

g. The guy who creepily lingers around the dance floor but never actually tries to dance with anyone.  This will usually be a heavier set gentleman in a baggy South Pole shirt with a K-Fed beard and a half empty rum and coke.

h. Us.  Are you kidding? We fuckin’ love this place.

i. The frat guy who only talks to you when you two see each other at the Wal. This way, he has enough liquid courage to hit on you. God forbid he’d talk to you in “real” life.  You have beautiful eyes, by the way.

j.  The crowd of people that apparently go to school here, but you’ve never seen them in your life.  Seriously. Who are these people? Like, not even remotely familiar. (Note: They may also be people who don’t go to school here.  They graduated high school in ’04 and now they don’t have anywhere else to go.  They will over compensate by making a ton of jokes about Glick or Ault).

k. My business card. Yep. Check it out in one of the horseshoes nailed to the wood pillars. He’s always there.. day in.. and day out.. always backing every decision I make.

l.  The line cutter. I mean we don’t have to wait in line, we know Greg Bailor. But what about everybody else? That line is sometimes 100 people long.  These are probably the same people who are hitting on your bf/gf.  Again, fuckbags.

m. The same seven bartenders – did you know those aren’t event their real names? Can you name them all? We can. Cuban, Big, Saturn, Skip, Miggity, Frau and BeastMaster

n. All the snow-loving, 4 XL wearing, greasy long haired creatures that have no where else to go since Fritz’s shut down.

o. The girl from your senior class that got pregnant. Surprise! It’s not yours though. Close call.

p. Those beezies that stay in the bathroom taking MySpace pictures of themselves in the mirror. Note: MySpace isn’t cool anymore, yo.

q. The girl that keeps getting shots for everyone.  She will inevitably do some combination of the following three things: throw up on you, make out with you, and/or ask you to take her to Jack In The Box.

Wake up and smile. We’re going to beat the Rebels today.

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Not our fault

October 3, 2009

Oh hey there. So, sorry we haven’t posted in… well, five months. It’s called “summer break” people! And our summer break stayed strong into fall.  Look, we don’t go by the Milton Glick’s calendar.  We go by God’s, and his said that summer lasted until September 21st.  The ten days after that?  Probably a combination of Beatles Rock Band, depression from being 0-3, laziness, and what one registered nurse (though I’d like to see the degree mill that quack got certified at) called a pretty serious huffing addiction.

But don’t be mad at us. We here at the NSS are here to stay.

Oh. And stop sending hate mail.

Let us count the ways…

October 2, 2009

The UNLV game is fast approaching and hate is in the air.  Beer will be spilled, punches thrown and members of the Blue Crew almost certainly incarcerated.  Yes ladies and gents, alcohol-fueled hatred runs a little higher this time of year on the Nevada Campus (a drunken anger rivaled only by the time the Davidson Academy kids found out they weren’t getting recess last April).  PS, totally not our fault.

If the good people of the University of Nevada had it their way we would live in harmony with our neighbors to the south.  Much like the way the US coexists with Mexico.  We acknowledge that the place up North is more of a place of learning, art, success, and not a ton of malaria and shit.  We also agree that the southern establishment is a nice place to go for a weekend for a boozer and some cheap hand jobs.  But other than that, not really somewhere you’d want to live.

So then why are things the way they are?  Why can’t Nevada and UNLV get along?  Well if it’s not us, then it clearly must be them.  And really it does make sense, number two is always jealous of number one. Its the same in everything, Pepsi always attacks Coke, Cobra always tries to take down GI Joe, your little brother resents you because you’re Mom’s favorite, we’ve all been there.

However before you get mad at the needless anger and contempt shown us by our poor brethren from the south, think about why they’re mad and maybe you’ll understand why it has to be this way.  We’re just better here.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.

But exactly how are we better, you ask?  Well compadre neither you nor I has time for that kind of comprehensive list (and in all honesty it remains unclear if the internet has the capacity).  But we here at NSS are more than happy to give you our favorite points of why every single student at the University of Nevada is superior to their lower latitude’d counterparts.

13. You had the ability the read this far with out stopping for a Sunny-D halfway down the page.

13a. You have the ability to read.

12. You only hook up with a skanky chick because you made a mistake.  They do it just by walking outside.

11. You live far far away from North Las Vegas and its crimes against decency.

10. They watch “Two And A Half Men” and just love the shit out of it.

9. Everyone in Vegas is always psyched to buy “30 Stones”.  Here we can keep it classy and just pour Capri-Sun in our vodka.

8. You didn’t cheer for Hexxus in Ferngully.

7. You have the correct amount of fingers.

7a. Your penis/vag is all one color.

6. You’re never in danger of being attacked by a white tiger or accosted by Criss Angel or any of that other weird magic show shit they have down there.

5. You’ve never cried because you’re worried Uncle Jesse might never forgive Michelle.

4.  Your student body has an Israelite at the reigns, they’re just better at shit like that.

3. When your parents say they love you, they mean it.

3a. unlv

2. You stop to smell the roses. They hide behind the 7-11 to smell permanent markers.

2a. You don’t think “If You Give A Moose A Muffin” as biting social commentary.

1. You know the Red Power Ranger always wished he was blue.

1a. The cannon looks way better blue (a red cannon? What kind of camouflage is that? Are we going to war with fucking Candy Land?)

Si, Si, it is that time of year again. The best college holiday.. cinco de drinko. The weather’s warm (if you aren’t in Reno) and it’s time to get your drink on.

Just don’t end up like these people. And if you do, make sure your friends take a picture.

Sometimes the last few steps are the hardest.drunk2

Me at the last company picnic.passedoutdrunk

In Mackay We Trust

May 3, 2009

Alright, so there was no ASUN kegs, no games in Manzanita Lake and definitely no short shorts. But it was still a great week because students actually.. you know.. showed up.

rofl

 

These will be updated as we decide on other stuff that we’d really like to see abbreviated.

 

The first version of the list has our top 9)


 

1. Just so you know: JSYK. Or the more offensive JSUK (we’re open to either)


 

2. Hold on a minute, I am at the break and it is so loud: HOAMIAATBAIISL


 

3. Be there in a second: BTIAS


 

4. Can’t answer the phone, I’m effing somebody: We actually don’t think we should abbreviate this one. We’d prefer to see it actually written out as often as possible.


 

5. University of Nevada, Las Vegas : GAY


 

6. Ewww, look inside. Really everything is like leaking yellow!: ELI REILLY


 

7. Your mom is fat: YMIF


 

8. Mom I’d like to fuck: BUT YOU NEVER WILL. Really stop dreaming. Also, how much do you really want to fuck someone’s mom? I get that it would be sweet if she made you like cookies and stuff afterwards but if its your friends mom she probably would have done that anyway.


 

 

9. We’re breaking up. It’s not you its me. I just feel like we’re past the honeymoon stage and the magic is gone. Its like im going this way and then bam, you’re like totally going the other way. Y’know? Oh and yes I am banging your roommate: WBU. INUIM. IJFLWPTHSATMIG. ILIGTWATB, YLTGTOW. Y’K? OAYIABYR.


 

It’s wordy we know, but breakups are often long and painful. With all crying and the carrying on, the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” “I thought we were supposed to grow old together”. “What about when you told me that one thing at my parent’s house the day after Easter.” You know the drill. Anyway, using our special “alphabet message” you can just go ahead and save yourself the pain. She’ll probably think you’re saying something sweet anyway (until he/she gets the accompanying picture message).

1. Take a picture on the howling wolf statue outside of Mackay Stadium. The climb is tough and a little uneven, but the view is great. And the picture will be epic.

2. Do a round of shots (plural) with your friends and head on over to that 5:30 class. Not only will the teacher be 10 times as funny, but the guy next to you makes for an excellent vomit receptacle.

3. Swim to the bottom of Manzanita Lake. There’s treasure down there! Just kidding, that’s gross. And you will probably die.

4. Visit all the every all-you-can-eat events put on by Greeks. This means D-Hop, Sausage Fest, SKetti Night, The Great Salmonella Cook Out… just remember to drink before hand. Otherwise, the lines are unbearable and you’re in a Greek house. Lose-Lose.

5. Rush the field at Mackay Stadium after a big win (preferably UNLV). Its always a challenge to avoid getting trampled while drunk. There is also no greater sense of campus-community hugging and jumping up and down with the stranger next to you wearing a FUNLV shirt.

6. Go back to the dorm room you had freshman year and make new friends. Bring a six pack as a peace offering. You’d be surprised how much it hasn’t changed.

7. Go to the Planetarium and see Darkside of the Moon.. that shit is trippy.

8. Attend campus events. You pay something like $5 a credit to your student government (It’s called ASUN) so all the free stuff they do.. barbecues, t-shirts, rallies, awkward rides with Campus Escort… you already paid for. Get your money’s worth.

9. Visit Lake Tahoe. I’m not talking about going to the ski resorts to shred the gnar pow-pow. I mean that crystal clear, blue and  beautiful bounty of water.  Just watch out for Tahoe Tessie. I heard she bites. Big time.

10. How many times can you hear this one:  learn the fuckin’ Fight Song. It rhymes so it’s not that hard.

11. Carve your name in a desk some where in the Knowledge Center. The place still doesn’t even look used! We lost a lot of history when we moved from Getchell, so it’s time for you to make your mark. No pun intended. Or was it?

The Greeks. No not the ones with gods and goddesses who just opened up that nice feta cheese restaurant in the union, we’re talking about the ones with no gods who just opened up a 40 in the union. However, as tooly/douchey as some of them are, you have to admire their camaraderie and the way they all have their own little groups with their own little labels and activities. Also apparently they have families (either that or those sadistic bastards just make fun of all the fat ones by calling them “big”).
But we know more than most that from time to time, everyone feels a little bit of Greek envy. Like when you’re best friends are out of town and you want to go out? Greeks can just grab whoever is around and chalk it up to bonding. Or maybe you’re slogging through some hellish poly-sci paper and you know that son of a gun who sits behind you in Sigma Nu is just going to pull their report out of some filing cabinet, change the first paragraph, and have themselves a night of Street Fighter 4. We’ve all been there. But you know what? Greeks get jealous of you too.

You know why? Because you’re Persian. That’s right Persian.

You aren’t Greek, and so Peloponnesian logic says you must be Persian. Don’t worry about the fact that you have more body hair and it looks like you lose at the end of “300”. You’ve got stuff to be proud of. Stuff, that is listed below:
The perks of being Persian:

1. Our Monday nights are always free.
2. There’s no need to pretend you like Kappa Alpha Theta just because they are your partners during Greek Week. Feel free to dislike them as much as you please.
3. No anal rape. Ever.
4. I can have my chicken cooked however I like. (Well done usually).
5. Do I do any charity? Fuck no. However I would like to bust a watermelon every so often.
6. I’ve never moved into a house that wasn’t mine.
7. Way easier to slide under the radar when totally shit faced at games (Greek letters are a red flag at this school).
8. Never have to talk to Turtle Massey. Oh wait neither do you. High five!
9. As a man I’m free to grow my facial hair in any manner I please. Not just the chin goatee chops combo.
10. All of your friends are free.
11. If there’s a douche bag who no one likes, you don’t have to hang out with them.
12. I don’t have to put out at a dance. As a man I have the right to say no (I wouldn’t but y’know, I could).

Cold again? Son of a gun

April 14, 2009

The following is a thank you letter to Reno:

Dear Reno,

I just want to thank you for getting cold again today. When the temperature went up to 72 yesterday I was pissed. As you know, the only thing college students hate more than going outside and being in the sun is being tricked into going out in the sun for one short short day, getting in the warm weather mindset, and then waking up to find snow on the ground the next day.

Really, why would you be warm for one day? Why show us girls in tank tops and shorts? We don’t want to see that. I like my women like I like my members of the rebel alliance in the beginning of episode V. Bundled up, frost bitten, and preferably stuffed in a Tauntaun. Also, I was starting to get a tan yesterday. Hello!? Who wants to look good? Not this guy. The more days out of the year I look like a character from corpse bride the better. Although in fairness, I loved how you made all of the flowers and buds bloom on the trees yesterday, just to make them freeze off and fall to the ground; dead, twisted, and losing hope. That’s showing those over eager campus trees whose boss. It was even better than the time Mark Fox said he planned on “Remaining at Nevada a long time.”, and then bounced out to Georgia less than 40 days later. Nothing makes me smile like false hope.

Look Reno, I know you don’t mean to have schizophrenic weather, you can’t help it. I know you wouldn’t have summer one day and winter the next. But then you probably wouldn’t be the only city over 200,000 people without an Einstein’s Bagels, Urban Outfitters or a Fazoli’s (but an unconscionable amount of 7-11’s and meth labs). But look, these are all things you can’t help and I’m okay with it. That’s what makes you you. You’re a little confused about your size and maybe what season it is, but dammit you go all out for whatever you’re doing and appreciate it. So, although it is mid-April, and the rest of the Northern half of the world agrees its time to stop snowing, go ahead and snow if that’s really what you feel like you should be doing with your life right now.

With Love,
The SpaceSuit

P.S. On the real though, all of this extra snow is keeping me indoors and actually concentrated on homework for at least a little while longer. Plus, the more you keep snowing, the less ski-boarders I’m going to have to deal with at the Break on Thursday.

100 DAYS ‘TIL GRADUATION!

February 4, 2009

Thursday, February 5 marks exactly 100 days until graduation on May 16, 2009.

It’s an exciting time, we know. (Especially if you got out of here in four years).  Now, in honor, celebration and hell, for tradition’s sake, we demand something of our senior class of 2009.

(You bitches that graduate in December DO NOT COUNT).

We call on you, seniors of the University of Nevada, to join us on Thursday night to get rick rolled at the Breakaway as we count down ….

2495922670_107536c9db


100 DAYS ‘TIL GRADUATION!

Visit the facebook event page…

http://www.facebook.com/s.php?k=100000004&id=65572836696&gr=4&a=7&sf=p&sid=85f7cee2e805db8b8a0ef75933c69635&act=2659615769&_ecdc=false&n=-1&o=4&hash=b9e239438e703ec1189db0ca2a09e037&s=50#/event.php?eid=65572836696

Praise Mackay! The Pride of the Sierra Marching Band has been saved… for another year.  All of your hard work paid of guys. Now, work on some of the stuff we talked about earlier(enthusiasm, pride, drunken fun etc.) and you could have a very bright future ahead of you.

GO PACK!

Over 400 students turned out to the capital on Tuesday to protest the budget cuts, announced in Governor Gibbon’s State of the State address.   The area in front of the capitol was packed.  However, one person was missing, our esteemed Governor Gibbons.  Apparently he was hiding in his office.  Now, he claims to care about nothing more than his constituents and the people in the good state of Nevada so what could have been keeping him?  It obviously must have been something good and we have some ideas what it could have been.  Normally this would be a top 10 list, but in honor of everything getting cut we decided to make it a Top 16(also we could only think of 16 things that made us laugh).  So here they are: the Top 16 things Gibbons was doing while he was hiding from the student protestors outside the capital on Tuesday:

Thanks for nothin!


16. Showing everyone how the months of hard work have paid off and he’s FINALLY  learned to Soldja Boy

15. Trying to figure out how to tell people that we’re missing money for higher education because he invested a lot of it with Bernie “sure thing” Madoff.

14. Checking his rankings on Compare People

13. Putting on his Snuggie so he can answer the phone without getting too cold.

12. Actually hiding.  We think maybe he was actually playing a game of hide and seek with his staff and the legislature.  If we had to guess we’d say Bob Beers is “it”.

11. Reading today’s Dilbert comic and shitting himself laughing.

10. Making the Flintstones car out of two eaten push-pops cones

9. Throwing darts at a picture of Jim Rogers.

8 Not implementing a 3% income tax (which is still less than what most other states pay), that would double the money we’re short on the budget.

7. Trying to finally beat “Frosty Village” in silver coin mode on Diddy Kong Racing.

6. Christy Mazzeo (his mistress, get it?)

5. Trying to figure how come whenever he says “that’s what she said.”, no one ever laughs and just looks at him really uncomfortably.

4.. Watching a Chinese boot-legged version of High School Musical 3 and constantly rewinding to the part with Zac Efron and his black friend dancing in the Junk yard.

3.. Looking at Vibe, wishing he could have candy paint on the Governor’s limo

2. Waiting to jump out and say “boo”

1. Crying while he drinks wine and listens to the theme song from cheers