Obviously separated at birth

November 11, 2009

Happy AmericaSpaceSuit Day

Today is a special, special day.  So special that we didn’t have class today.  Perhaps you noticed?  Not only is today the Nevada SpaceSuit’s birthday, but it is also Veteran’s Day.  That’s right, we have the same birthday as the day set aside to remember those who have served in armed services.  We expect we may be twins that were separated in some sort of wacky “Sister Sister” situation.  If we had to guess we’d say we’re probably Tamara (which would make you Roger).

But perhaps you don’t believe us.  Let us prove to you that the NSS and this country’s armed services are basically the same people (only with wacky twin differences).

1. They fight for freedom… and we write for freedom. Ok more so for laughs. Whatever.

2. The average marine probably did like 200 pushups today.  We went through at least a half box of Push Pops this afternoon (though in fairness it was so we could make enough Flinstone’s cars to have a drag race).

3. We both wear uniforms. However ours have no medals. Just a pocket big enough to fit a medium sized flask.

4. We are both in the front lines of attack.. although ours is primarily through vicious hate mail.

5.Neither of us will ever go to Cantina Del Lobo after 5 because they don’t fuckin serve alcohol.

6. The Marine veterans yell “semper fi”…while we just try and figure out where we can find those drunk  Pi Phi.

7. They keep us safe from terrorists and we keep you safe from the vacuum? (OK WE TRIED!)

8. They make life or death decisions daily. We decide whether to hit Los Tres Hombres or Port of Subs before naptime.

9. They run 5 miles everyday. We go to Lombardi if its on the way to our car.

10. The Navy only had one Village People song explicitly about them. We’ve had several.

In all seriousness though, the NSS would like to take a moment to recognize all of the American soldiers, but most importantly veterans. Without them, we’d be in class right now or we could be trying to break a language barrier and forced into an arranged marriage with the ugliest mo’fo you’ve ever seen. But, the good news is that none of these things are happening to us, Hannah Montana had it right.. It IS a party in the USA.  And that’s because of the militants and veterans of a’merica.

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Kaep Facts

November 10, 2009

In the words of Joe Santoro, “The strength of the pack is the wolf and the strength of the wolf is the KAP.” And we here at the Nevada SpaceSuit believe that.

Colin Kaepernick is an accomplished man.  He’s only 21 and already way more popular than you’ll ever be.  With football season in full swing he’s undoubtedly the big man on campus.

As such,  people know stuff about him.  Like that he’s already won WAC player of the week twice this season, that he was drafted by Major League Baseball but turned it down to play here, and that he looks slick in a full sweat suit and a matching hat.  However, there are other things about him that you may not know.

It is thought that these facts aren’t revealed because he would likely be forced immediately to leave Nevada and become either the governor or Iron Man.  But we here at the Nevada SpaceSuit are known for our Woodward and Bernstein level of investigative reporting.  We dug deep, and we found out that things that the government doesn’t want you to know about Colin Kaepernick.

kaep

Hottie, Hottie 2 by 4

15. He’s really left handed.  He only throws with his right so that he won’t break his receivers hands every time they catch a pass.

14. Can eat a bag of Pop Rocks with a can of Coke and barely even flinch.

13. Barry Bonds wasn’t on HGH, but he was regularly injecting himself with vials of Kaep’s sweat.

12.  In fourth grade he successfully pulled off the Powerline Dance at a school assembly (and if you don’t get that joke you haven’t seen the “Goof Troop Movie” recently enough.  In which case, come on, let out your inner child).

11. He once ate three plates of  those DC store chicken  tenders (that I swear to G are laced with LSD) and didn’t puke it all up like us mere mortals.

10.  He wears number ten.  Which all sixth graders know can be made to look like a wiener going into a vag hole.  Awesome.

9. The Pokemon? He caught ’em all.

8. He makes a really excellent Peach Cobbler.

7. He could throw the ball over them mountains.

6. If he didn’t shave between quarters Taua  would trip over his beard on every read option.

5. Is confident enough in his level of coolness to rock the Vin Diesel “I live my life a quarter mile at a time” era hair cut.

4. Him and Lippincott are buddies, they’re pals, they always work things out.  (You don’t get this one either?  Did you seriously never watch Goof Troop?  Did you grow up in the Amish country there, Jedediah?)

3. Made the Kessel run in only 11 parsecs.  Suck it Han Solo.

2. Once threw a pass so accurate, that not only did it go through the eye of a needle, but the iris and cornea as well.

1. The middle hour of “Dark Knight” is a word for word account of how he spent his summer vacation in ’07.

That's me, the dumpy Chick on the Left

That's me, the dumpy chick on the left

You know what we love giving? Contrary to popular belief, it’s not money to the poor. Instead, it’s Advice. And do you know why? We’re obviously smart. I mean, we didn’t go to UNLV and we don’t know you so its not like we could hurt your feelings. So yes, we’ve started an advice column. Turns out our readers are extremely needy.

Q: I’m addicted to FaceBook. My grades are slipping and my parents have threatened to send me to rehab… What do I do?

A: DubTeeeEfff. They have a facebook rehab??? Dude, totes go and tell us all about it. And while you’re there get hooked on crystal meth so when you come back your parents understand what a REAL addiction is like.

Q: I heard Barbara Land is an easy teacher… is it true?

A: Well despite the many rumors floating through the world wide web, we’ve never actually had sex with her, but I heard she gives out A’s like candy.

Q: I’m afraid that when I graduate I won’t be able to find employment? What do you guys suggest I do to land a job?

A: Well the first thing is stop sucking so much. Next, I’d def say that you have a degree from THE University of Nevada, so you’re pretty golden. Oh, you didn’t graduate in the nationally ranked business, journalism or engineering schools? Yikes. Well, have fun riding out the economy.

Q:I’m thinking of proposing to my girlfriend, what’s a good romantic idea?

A: Oh GOD.  You’re one of thoseeee. You’re so in love, nothing will ever tear you apart.. and man, how lucky are you to find your soulmate at TWENTY. You do realize that if you die at 85, you have 65 more years with this person. Missing out is just the beginning. But really, good luck with that.