Today is an important day for rednecks, republicans, and white males over the age of 45 because it’s opening day  for Major League Baseball.  Yes baseball, the most boring sport this side of soccer.  A sport where fat dudes can be dominant and someone running 90 feet is considered a thrilling play.  A sport that was exciting in 1890 before anyone had TV, videogames, basketball, football, or porn that wasn’t crude drawings in a flipbook.  You know what else was a popular past time back then? Listening to solo trumpet concerts on your gramophone?  You see anyone doing that anymore?  Not tons.

"a pretty sexy party in 1900" - That's exactly what I typed into google

We at the NSS aren’t really sure why we still watch baseball anymore.  Or why a whole sect of this country pisses their pants with excitement about the start of a whole summer of 100 year old teams playing each other in 2-1 games and every top play on Sportscenter being a guy who is kind of falling down while he catches a pop fly. Baseball has only been fun three times: the movie where that kids falls down and can suddenly throw 100 miles an hour while Nick Nolte mentors him and rails his mom, the movie where Charlie Sheen and Wesley Snipes rail everybody in Cleveland, and then also real baseball, but when everyone was on steroids.   So until baseball comes to its senses and not only legalizes ‘roids, but makes them mandatory, enjoy this:

Our list of things that will be more exciting to watch than today’s baseball games:

1.       Watching paint dry

2.       Watching paint after it has already dried

3.       Watching that paint slowly chip away over a period of a few years

4.       Reading an entire list of paint-based jokes.

5.       The class you’re sitting in right now

6.       Football games if they really stop selling alcohol at them.

7.       Abstinence

8.       Losing my front row of teeth in my battle against bulimia

9.       Running at the gym when your headphones are broke and you can’t listen to your iPod or watch the little TV’s they have there.  Seriously, I bet I’ve gained a net of 9 pounds over the last 5 years just because I don’t want to run when I forget my headphones.   Without them what’s supposed to distract me from how awful climbing up 1000’s of stairs and staying in the same place is?

10.   The parts of the Jersey Shore that are dedicated to Ronni and Sammi fighting.  We get it, you two are in a horrible relationship and Ronni is a modern day Bobby Brown but without the awesome dance moves and fly-ass Gumby haircut.  Now breakup for the 90th time so we can get back to Vinny and Pauly D searching for new forms of V.D. on the boardwalk.

Maybe he hits his wife, but he also sang humpin' around, that's a wash in our book

11.   Pretending to give a shit about what’s going on on “Sister Wives” because it makes your girlfriend happy.

12.   Listening to my roommate’s attack me about how awesome baseball is after I post this blog.  If I’m lucky they’ll go over their in-depth plan for minor league realignment again (yes they have one, it’s written down and I’ve read it). Also hopefully one of them will make an impassioned plea about the designated hitter and how it ruins baseball, all while pretending that they aren’t both in their 20’s don’t remember a damn thing about baseball before there was a DH.

13.   Killing someone with kindness.

14.   Waiting in line at midnight for the next twilight movie.

15.   Actually being in the next Twilight movie once it starts (way more entertaining, you know why?  Because I’ve been taken to everyone of these damn movies and now I want to see who that mopey broad chooses.  Full disclosure: I’m hoping for Edward).

16.   Watching an episode of any comedy show made before 1970.  Believe me, the only thing that is ever funny about TV shows that old is how casually racist everybody is.

17.   Rocky I.  I know that’s near blasphemous, but hear me out.  That first Rocky movie is basically the story of a retarded guy trying to bang a recluse who works in a pet store while her brother struggle with alcoholism.  There’s one sweet fight and training montage stuck in at the end that made people like that movie.  It wasn’t until Rocky III where Stallone started taking steroids, fought Hulk Hogan AND Mr. T and had a gay vacation with Carl Wethers that those movies really got awesome.

Now we're talking!

18.   Women’s college basketball.  Sorry ladies, it just isn’t basketball without dunking or neck tattoos.

19.   Avatar when it’s not in 3-D

20.  Getting hit in the head with a foul ball. And dying.

If any of you have been to any Nevada football games this year, you probably noticed two things.  One, at $7.50/beer the university is basically asking you to sneak in a flask.  And Two, Colin Kaepernick is a man among boys out there.  He truly is becoming a Wolf Pack legend.  But did you know oh unlearned one, that there is much more to young Colin than his dominance at the pigskin?  Read on dear friend, as the Nevada SpaceSuit educates you on the subject of #10, with part two of out Kaep facts.

  1. You can get pregnant just by reading about him.  Raise the child to be a masculine child.
  2. Would throw touchdowns to himself if it was allowed.
  3. When he was a kid, his dad didn’t take him fishing, they went lion-ing.  And yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like.  They killed lions.
  4. He is going to win the Heisman.
  5. Kaep, not Michael Jordan, was actually Bugs Bunny’s first choice to help defeat the Mon-Stars in “Space Jam”.
  6. He’s an unlockable character on Mortal Kombat 2.
  7. He doesn’t know it yet, but we’re getting married.
  8. The Warren G. and Nate Dogg hit “Regulators” is actually a detailed account of Kaep’s first day of fourth grade.
  9. The original design for Optimus Prime called for him to transform into not a truck, but into Colin Kaepernick.
  10. He cannot tell a lie.
  11. The military doesn’t actually have smart homing missile technology.  It just seems that way because they have Kaep throwing all their bombs.
  12. He knows every secret handshake.
  13. The man doesn’t even drive to school.  It’s faster when he sprints.
  14. He didn’t ever have to use a slammer in pogs.  He smacked those little novelty disc-shaped bitches with his mind.
  15. If Kaep were Harry Potter, he totally would’ve been getting it on with Hermione since at least the third movie.  Although there wouldn’t have been a third movie because Kaep would’ve just killed Voldemort when he was like six or seven.
  16. Just looking at Kaepernick is what turned Lindsay Lohan straight again.
  17. He was in the first draft of “The Expendables”, but had to be written out when he made everyone else appear too effeminate.
  18. He also invented iPod nano’s by squishing his first iPod between his pecs.
  19. He possesses a real ocarina of time.  And a bad-ass double sided light saber.  And a Delorean that travels through time.
  20. He’s just unbelievable at “Words With Friends”.
  21. He could kick Kellen Moore’s ass.

    This joker? Kaep could do it one handed

  22. If he were blue he would look surprisingly like an Avatar.
  23. He would be the best player on the Nevada baseball team.  If any one gave a shit about baseball anyway.
  24. He has more real friends than you have Facebook friends.
  25. He is probably a member of the Men In Black.  Remember that.  Just in case we ever face to face and make contact.
  26. Based on his arm strength and lithe build we’re just going to go ahead and assume he killed everyone at “butt’s up” in elementary school.

Homecoming at Nevada is really one of the best times of the year.  Also, in a stroke of cleverness the HC Crew has picked Dr. Seuss as the theme.  In honor of Homecoming and psychedelically colored anthropomorphic animals (our two favorite things) we have written this poem about the most wonderful time of the year:

KC-Screen-Ad

October is passing and Homecoming is here,

Pour out the Blue Thunder and let out a cheer

Midterms are coming and you really should study

But instead you’re cigarette bumming saying fuck books

Kapernick’s running and Kapernick’s throwing

The frats are float building and way over bro-ing

Thetas hate Tri-Delts and Tri-Delts hate Thetas

Although to 85% of this campus that’s just useless data

At the talent show Sigma Kappa grins cheek to cheek

While most apathetic students just think its free burger week

People don’t care, and perhaps they have reason,

After all it is almost snowboarding season,

But there are some of us that do, and for this we rejoice

We’ll be the ones in the student section, bringing the noise,

So go ahead and be oblivious, let the good times pass,

Just know it’s like walking by Shakira, and not scoping her ass (so pointless)

Wolves are a hopping and wolves are a skipping,

Vandals are heaving their tears are all dripping

And it’s not cuz they’re sneeches without stars on their breeches

Not cuz they’re road leeches or some kind of who-peaches

They know they’re going down and the reason’s a cinch

It’s because they’re Christmas, and we’re the mutha-fuckin’ Grinch

Go Pack.

November Horoscopes

November 11, 2008

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

If you’re trying to make somebody laugh just go with the first thing you think of. Your complicated jokes go way over our heads. Some people find mumbling funny, just not most.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Personally, if I had to be named after a popular mid-size sedan from the 90’s, I would have gone with Neon. But to each his own I guess.

 

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

You are not only going to get A’s on your test this week, but you’ll probably make-out with whoever you want if you hit The Break on Thursday. Well done.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Your birthday always fell during summer break. I bet you got to go to water parks didn’t you? Could all your friends come over cuz there was no school? Well, our birthdays are in the dark of winter’s bitter heart. Fuck you.

But seriously. We’re happy for you.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

Stop changing your Goddamn Facebook status every eight seconds. I don’t care how excited you are that Grey’s Anatomy is on tonight (although in fairness I too am a bit taken by McArmy).

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

FYI. You should probably drink more milk, your bones creak when you walk.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

So what you didn’t get a scholarship to play football in college? I personally love it when you regale me with stories of you playing outside linebacker 2 years ago and how you totally would have made it if the system or your coach wouldn’t have screwed you. Also rocking under armor and downing protein shakes is totally acceptable. Haha, Douche.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

We’re not doing Scorpio this month. Actually we’ll probably never do you. To be frank we’re a little put-off by your whole deal.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

Stop, drop, and roll. You can never be too careful with fire safety.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Dude don’t even worry, the pull-out method is like 99% effective. I’m sure your fine.


Pisces (February 19-March 20):

We hear you guys have troubling socializing. Unfortunately, you’ll never get rid of that big “L” on your forehead. Loser.


Aries (March 21-April 19):

Really, I don’t have time for this, but we’ll do it anyway. Well, your future looks bright, like a candle. Woops, just blew that out. Maybe tomorrow will be better.