This article is for some of our basketball players who were recently caught in a little incident at Scheels. For those of you who haven’t heard, some of our fine young gentlemen were recently charged with petty larceny for taking some sporting equipment and have been suspended indefinitely. Now needless to say we here at the Nevada SpaceSuit are troubled by this. To do our part to make sure it never happens again, we present you this:

 
The Nevada SpaceSuit’s guide to Stealin’ Mo’ Betta.

First we’ll give you a list of things before you go a-stealin’:

1. Check and see if you’re a member of an organization that has an endorsement deal with the world’s largest international sporting goods company (like, oh say Nike). If so, you can probably get whatever you need for free. But y’know, maybe you want a canoe or something like that, well if that’s the case then you really pretty much gotsta steal right? Right.
2. So the next thing you’re gonna want to do is case the joint. If it seems like it just opened three days prior, and probably has a state-of-the-art security system, put it on your “maybe – no” list. Walk around, see if there’s a bunch of old, slower looking employees (like the special workers program they’ve got going on down at BIG 5).

3. Thinking of everything you saw, make a list of the things that you want the most. You’re not going to be able to take everything, and you don’t want to risk going in a second time. Remember, this is only one store, there are millions of stores to steal from in the world, don’t blow your load here.

4. Before you actually go to make the score, sew some pockets inside your jeans. Chances are you’re jeans are a little baggy anyway, and, if you’re as tall as your average basketball player, they’re pretty long too. This should give you a considerable storage capacity when you’re loading up on baseball gloves and Cowboy’s Jerseys.

5. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, I’m a 6’8” black guy. You know where no one will notice me? Reno, Nevada.” Now no one wishes this was true more than us, but the unfortunate truth is that in this po-dunk town, you stick out like a sore thumb. You’re probably going to want to invest in some sort of disguise. For best results, wait in the parking lot for an employee to come out for a smoke break. Smack them on their head like you’re trying to send a layup back to the second row, tie them up, and take their shirt and/or hat. (Note: Because you are massively tall, you may want to bring some fabric, needle, and yarn so you can alter their shirt to fit your insane giant’s body). Once inside (and in costume) follow this simple list of instructions. If you follow these to the letter, we totally promise you will not get caught.

Alright, now here’s the steps for the actual heist:

1. Everyone has probably seen your face in an interview. Don’t try to hide it by looking down because everyone is shorter than you and will see your face. Don’t try to hide it by looking up because that’s where the cameras are. Your best bet is to pull your newly acquired hat down way over your face.

2. Slyly grab everything you’re going to want from this particular store. Only take as much as will fit in your pants. Now I know you’re going to want to take a whole bunch, but remember your pants are only so big. It helps to remind yourself that you could either leave the store with most of the things you wanted or none of the things and a misdemeanor. Your call.

3. Look to your left and right, did anybody see you? What about the creeper in the corner?

4. If you feel someone is watching you, this is when you signal one of your accomplices to come ask the sales associate who is watching you where the hunting vests are. Everyone needs to know about hunting vests, it’s Reno.

5. If someone asks you to stop, this is where you just have to punch him out and make a run for it. I know its messy, but sometimes in order to benefit from your sweet air-forces, you’ve just gotta slap a bitch.

6. Cooly walk out of the building and go to your car. For insurance, put some of the stolen merch on the guy you knocked out, this will make his accusations seem less likely.

7. Don’t go back in the store to get more stuff. This is how you got caught the first time, settle down and get the rest of the stuff you need at Sport’s Authority, the one in Meadowood Mall has literally no system of security at all.

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We’ve all dreamed of being someone else right?  Someone famous and powerful.  No midterms or needless assignments, life would be great right. BUt before you go ahead and wish for it Well in the spirit of shooting down dreams in a very Jimmy Stewart-ish fashion, we ask you to consider some of the bad parts of being that famous person whose identity you so crave.  Naturally fort he first edition of this we pick everyone’s favorite childhood icon: Mario from Super Mario Brothers.

To us it seems like Mario of Super Mario Brothers fame has it made.  He only works once every 2-3 years, his gf is a princess, him and his brother have the sweetest porno staches this side of Wes Welker, he wears red denim overalls, and to top it all off, there are literally little boxes with prizes in them everywhere he goes.  Just stop and think for a second about how much sweeter your life would be if there were little prize boxes just littering your path.  Seems pretty sweet eh?  Bet you wish you could trade your life for Mario’s right now?  Well you my friend are mistaken, there is no way you’d really want Mario’s life if you thought about it.

            For starters his girlfriend gets kidnapped constantly.  Think about how horrible it would be to lose a loved one.  Got it?  Good.  Now imagine (there’s no heaven) that she was kidnapped by a huge scary dinosaur.  A huge scary dinosaur who has like 4 really big castles with scary music playing in all of them on a constant loop.  Now realize there’s no way in H you’re going to go to the right castle on the first try.  In fact I’d say you’ve got like a 90 percent chance of not getting there until the last time.  Also, to even get to these castles Mario constantly has to go down a pipe.  Go down a pipe? Are you kidding me?  What would you do if a giant man eating flower retracted its head into a pipe?   Not fucking go down it.  Imagine jumping down an elevator shaft that has a monster in it.  Okay, so what Mario does is a little scarier than that.  Really, I don’t care how many sweet little coins are in that god-forsaken cavern, I’m not going down there.  Besides, there will be more coins around, I’m sure of it.  So you get back out of the tube and you see that there are some boxes around, one has maybe a growth mushroom, another maybe a fire flower.  Real quick how good for you do you think it is to ingest a flower that makes fire come out of your body?  Or crazier yet, a mushroom that makes you immediately double in size. Hmmm… probably no lasting side effects there. I mean why would there be?  So after you’ve drugged yourself up you start running toward the castle again and you see there’s some pretty huge abyss’ (what’s the official plural on that?) that you’re expected to jump over.  Think about steeling yourself up for that one.  Then think about doing it like 80 something times.  By the way, you aren’t exactly pulling all these athletic moves off in a pair of basketball shorts and running shoes.  You’re wearing denim bib overalls.  Denim bib overalls that are skin tight, I mean those b’s are painted on to your slightly robust body (and not really in an ultra flattering manner).  Also let’s get one thing straight right now.  Denim, skin tight, maybe a little sweaty, what’s that a recipe for?  Well if you guessed the chafe of your life you are correct sir.  You think you’d feel like attempting death-defying leaps in these bad boys?  Don’t kid yourself; you wouldn’t even want to walk to the garage to get a knife to cut yourself out of this “fat man corset”.

            “Wow SpaceSuit, this sounds pretty bad,” says you, “well at least there’s always the sweet release of death to free Mario from all of his trials and tribulations right?”  Wrong lad.  You, and your brother, die constantly.  Whether it’s falling into a cold, unforgiving, abyss, burning alive in a lake of fire, or getting kneecapped by an errant turtle shell, you’re coming back.  And where are you coming back to?  The very site of your death.  Whatever the controlling power of your universe may be (and I assume its not God for he would never be this cruel) finds it necessary to drop you back in and make you try it again.  And it isn’t like you can just run away from all of this, you’re forbidden from moving backward (Nintendo doesn’t like pussies).

            Under all these stresses you would for sure have a nervous breakdown, the pressure would get to you.  You think it didn’t get to Mario?  Let’s look at the indicators shall we?  He can’t control his weight, he allows himself and his family to constantly fall back into the same cycle of capture and rescue, and he hasn’t changed his clothes since 1986.  The guy is a walking time bomb.  Every couple of years him and his drinking buddies (his brother, an ape with a tie, and a guy who apparently has a mushroom for a head) go blow off steam by riding around one of their houses until someone gets road rage and starts firing off missiles.

            So, next time you think maybe you might want to be Mario, think again Copernicus.  And before you even ask, no you don’t want to be Link, don’t even go down that road; just break the wrist and walk away.

1. Always greet/thank the shuttle drivers profusely. Once just isn’t enough apparently.

2. Press the handicap button on the side door of the Frandsen Building to allow easy entry for your fellow students. That mother is heavy.

3. Keep your Facebook status always updated. It’s offensive to the rest of us if we don’t know where you are, what/who you are doing and your innermost thoughts transposed through shitty song lyrics.

4. Wish the athletes good luck on game day. Granted, the football and basketball players will look monumentally confused and offended, but the Rugby guys will probably buy you a drink. Or twelve.

5. Thank Tahoe Creamery for custom naming their ice cream flavors in honor of the Nevada campus. That’s right, you can enjoy The Joe, Mackay Mint and Wolf Pack Tracks all within the convenient means of campus. 

6. Pay Homage to John Mackay during finals. Ask him for good luck. Without this guy, we’d be just like San Jose State. Ewe.

7. When at the Wal, always buy a round of shots for you and 10 of your closest friends. We know, they raised it to a pricey $1.50 each, but if some people can buy friendship [g], everyone else can too.

8. Pick up your fuckin tickets to athletic games and fill up the student section. They aren’t just “get out of jail free” qdoba cards, you ungrateful sons of bitches.

9. Creepbook while only at home. I’m pretty sure the people at @one don’t want to know “who you’d rather get stuck in handcuffs with.”

10. When casually observing the divers at Lombardi, mind how long you watch. There’s a fine line between admiring the form of a few back flips and conspiracy to commit statutory rape.

Hey, nobody’s perfect. We do it too. Procrastination is at the heart of every valuable project. Here’s some of the best we watched while not writing our own publication.

Remember this blast from the past?

Fascinating.

The health care reform that is needed…

We don’t get it either.

Everyone’s Guilty Pleasure

What our school would be without the budget cuts.


A classic.

Even better than the first.

It’s our favorite show for a reason..

We have a thing for beatboxing and inspector gadget. But mainly, inspector gadget.

Told you.

November Horoscopes

November 11, 2008

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

If you’re trying to make somebody laugh just go with the first thing you think of. Your complicated jokes go way over our heads. Some people find mumbling funny, just not most.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Personally, if I had to be named after a popular mid-size sedan from the 90’s, I would have gone with Neon. But to each his own I guess.

 

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

You are not only going to get A’s on your test this week, but you’ll probably make-out with whoever you want if you hit The Break on Thursday. Well done.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Your birthday always fell during summer break. I bet you got to go to water parks didn’t you? Could all your friends come over cuz there was no school? Well, our birthdays are in the dark of winter’s bitter heart. Fuck you.

But seriously. We’re happy for you.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

Stop changing your Goddamn Facebook status every eight seconds. I don’t care how excited you are that Grey’s Anatomy is on tonight (although in fairness I too am a bit taken by McArmy).

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

FYI. You should probably drink more milk, your bones creak when you walk.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

So what you didn’t get a scholarship to play football in college? I personally love it when you regale me with stories of you playing outside linebacker 2 years ago and how you totally would have made it if the system or your coach wouldn’t have screwed you. Also rocking under armor and downing protein shakes is totally acceptable. Haha, Douche.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

We’re not doing Scorpio this month. Actually we’ll probably never do you. To be frank we’re a little put-off by your whole deal.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

Stop, drop, and roll. You can never be too careful with fire safety.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Dude don’t even worry, the pull-out method is like 99% effective. I’m sure your fine.


Pisces (February 19-March 20):

We hear you guys have troubling socializing. Unfortunately, you’ll never get rid of that big “L” on your forehead. Loser.


Aries (March 21-April 19):

Really, I don’t have time for this, but we’ll do it anyway. Well, your future looks bright, like a candle. Woops, just blew that out. Maybe tomorrow will be better.