Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

You are going to work on your final project on Friday night. But you, me, and all of our friends know that you’re going to be getting rick rolled at Silver Peak before midnight.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Rhymes with “laurus”.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

Study harder for your English final than for any of the other ones. We all know that’s the one professor that will not sleep with you. Not my problem.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

breast, prostate, skin, cuticles, ovarian, lung. Which one doesn’t belong?

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

I’d sleep with one eye open if I were you. Not saying though. And if you have a glass eye, more power to ya.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

Look for love little virgin, look for someone wearing a Nevada sweatshirt on the twelfth, as they may change your life. Show them you’re for real with true love’s first kiss.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

Wear a Nevada sweat shirt on the twelfth, make-out city.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

Come to Silver Peak and get rick rolled with us and the other Aquarians ( we like you. You’re funny).

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

Again, we are not doing your horoscopes ever. We swore you off a long time ago when you hurt us. We’re fine…

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

Your birthday is probably during finals. Sucks bro. But the good thing is that after finals you’ll be another year older and closer to death. The world just keeps on giving.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

So the pull-out didn’t work…yikes. There’s plenty of stairs in the Joe (as well as the dorms, the Matt, the AB, the Quadrangle). 😉 

Aries (March 21-April 19):

You have a really annoying laugh and are bugging everyone trying to write funny stuff in the Matt right now. That joke your friend just told about muffin tops was not only not funny, but stolen from a Seinfeld episode. And your boyfriend is cheating with your roommate, byyyye.


Listen, here’s the short of it: the state of Nevada is in a black hole called an “economic crisis.” We are a public school, so some things have to get cut. It’s a shame, we know. We cuddled with our teddy bears too when we heard that the ever so prestigious Pride of the Sierra may get cut. Wah wah. The reality is that you guys never made yourselves a priority. Therefore, the University doesn’t see you as a priority. Weird.

However, we at the NSS do NOT agree that you should get cut. The band is a huge part of the collegiate athletic experience. If they cut you guys, the quality of campus life will deteriorate. Not to mention, the quality of our Division I athletics will waiver as well. You can’t have a great team without a great band and great fans to support it.

It doesn’t seem like the administration is trying to help the band out, so the band took it upon themselves and tried several “save the band” campaigns. Weaksauce. You all look like you’re raising money for a girl scout troop who wants to go to Disneyland.

Get your shit together. We at the NSS have decided to help a brotha out, so here it is:

(Now don’t get all bent out of shape when you read this. It’s simply constructive criticism. We’re on your side! But, it did take director orders from President Glick to get the band to march the whole route of the 2007 Homecoming Parade. That’s from 9th Street to 15th Street, people. Don’t act like you’re the only victims here)

How the Nevada Marching Band Can Save Itself

1. Care a little more. I know how “busy” you are, but did you know that other universities perform more than just on game day? Shocking, we know. Man up and want to be a part of this tradition..not just when it’s convenient for you.

2. Show a little spirit. Enjoy yourselves for crying out loud. We’d cut you too if you keep acting like this is some sort of hassle. If you make it look like you are having fun two things will happen: 1. the rest of the stadium will have fun, they feed off you guys 2. people may actually want to join the band, instead of being forced to by a too-good-to-be-true scholarship.

The USC Marching Band always wears sunglasses while performing. That makes them stand out against any other marching band in the country, and guess what! It’s was a totally cheap and easy way to get noticed. Now, they are sponsored by Nike.


3. Start some Traditions: The Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band (let’s just cut to the chase and call it Stanford) share a pre-game breakfast together called “The Breakfast of Champions” consisting of beer and doughnuts. If you create something that others want to be a part of, maybe you won’t have to complain so much.

PS We really like the guy who wears the blue afro in the Pep Band. Way to go dude. Go Pack.

4. Prostitution.

5. But seriously, prostitution. Sell yourself. Sell appearances by The Pride of the Sierra. Offer to play at graduation parties, weddings, birthday parties, business openings, bachelor parties, sleep-overs, keggers, retirement parties… anything. Put together a 10 piece band and get movin! If you charge at least $200 for a 15 minute appearance in Reno (meaning you could drive yourselves) , you would see your budget increase, dramatically. Yes, it means more work, but if you really want to stay around, you’ll do it.

6. Make a God damn VISIBLE “N” formation on the field. We’re not asking you to spell in cursive like Ohio State does, but a simple N would really impress the crowd at this point.

And if all else fails,

7. Get on your knees and pray to John Mackay.