A Cold Beer In Hell: The Drinking Game For Driving To Vegas

September 29, 2010

Alright people we’re almost live!  The game is in less than 4 days away and pretty soon Nevada students are going to start taking off work and skipping Friday class en masse to get down to Las Vegas for what is the most guaranteed victory since the state championship game at the end of Remember The Titans (C’mon, after all the breaking down of racial barriers and group motown singing they did there was no way Disney was going to let them lose to the racist team that didn’t have a movie star for a coach).

Anyway, most of these Nevada students, lacking the means required to take a plane down or the magic required to take a boat, will be traveling the 469 miles by motorcar. Now don’t get us wrong, we appreciate the state of Nevada and it’s majestic beauty and all that crap.  But driving through 500 miles of it is the most mind numbing thing on the planet (take it from a guy who did the drive solo with a broken CD player and no iPod.  And if you’re like “well at least you had the radio”, no.  Surprisingly no one is broadcasting to the burgeoning “100 mile wasteland between Hawthorne and Tonopah” market).  Anyway, to help you have a better time on your 7 hour slog through the abyss, here is a drinking game you can play to pass the time (as always, The Nevada SpaceSuit does not advocate drinking and driving, this game is for the people in passenger and back seats, and if they’re still alive, the people in your trunk.)

Take a sip when:

  • You go by an abandoned building.
  • One sip for every meth addled squatter that you think is living in that building.  And siamese mutant babies DO count as two separate sips.

The mayor and vice mayor of the hill people living in the Goldfield Hotel

  • Someone farts.  Look, you’re spending 7 hours in a cramped space with 1-4 other humans.  And, after everything you ate at the McDonald’s in Tonopah, it’s going to happen.  You might as well make a game out of it (also if you want to “ice” the offending party that’s a judgement call).
  • When some butthole drives slow but then when you try to pass him speeds up so he stays in front of you and then slows down again when you get back behind him (because apparently if he stays in front of you he wins?  Hey shit mouth, there’s no points for getting there first, this isn’t “Rat Race”, you won’t get a train station locker full of money for early arrival, and Cuba Gooding Jr. probably won’t even be there…. Though he might be, I think Cuba’s available).  Anyway, throw your empties at this d-bag.
  • Anytime someone in the car falls asleep.  Also it’s okay to take the rest of their drink, it’s the law of the jungle (as old and as true as the sky….).

Big drink when:

  • You pass a brothel.  Two if it’s the Shady Lady.
  • You see the signs between Goldfield and Beatty for all that weird kind of ostrich and raccoon jerky.
  • When you come to the realization that there’s a 50% chance all of that exotic jerky is made from hitch hikers.
  • When you inevitably shudder about all of the lobster eateries in Mina Nevada (spoiler alert, those lobsters were caught at least 6 weeks ago).
  • You roll down the windows in Fallon and it smells like anything besides weed farms or manure (or hopelessness).
  • When you finally get pass Walker Lake.  It takes forever.  Literally, chances are if didn’t shave when you started going by it, you better be wearing long pants because by the time you pass it your legs will look like Nick Nolte’s mug shot.

And this isn't even addresing what your pube situation will be.

  • You pass another car on the road that has people with Nevada gear in it.  Roll down your window and offer them a cheers as you pass by (note: be sure they are really Nevada people.  Our school wears the same color shirts as most cops.  Tread carefully).

Chug When:

  • Whenever you think about how terrible your life would be if your car broke down in an area with no cell reception.  How long do you think it takes Triple A to get to Luning, NV?
  • Whenever you’re not going at least 25 above the “speed limit”.
  • You get gas in Tonopah (and if there’s any other Nevada fans there offer to trade a few beverages between your parties.  Trust us they’ll be as sick of their  30 Stones as you are of your PBR).
  • The highway finally goes back to 4 lanes and you’re no longer inches from death on either side.
  • One of your friends say they wouldn’t mind living in one of those random, lone, desert shanties (this is to prepare you for fighting them off, because they are 100% for sure a serial killer.)
  • Every time you see a black person (not counting people in your own car.  Or as we discussed earlier, Cuba Gooding Jr).

Long time friend of the Wolf Pack

  • You see the giant shaft of light emanating from Vegas.  Ending the the desolation and preventing everyone in the car from slipping further into madness.
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