A Guide To Poopin’ At School During Finals Week Mo’ Betta

May 7, 2010

It’s finals week and if you’re like the average college student (or at least the average nerdy college student like me) you’re going to find yourself spending a lot of time in the Joe and/or the knowledge center.  Well I got news for you buster, chugging all those energy drinks and munching on all those high fiber Cool Ranch Doritos is gonna add up and eventually you’re gonna have to go lay some cable.  It’ll happen, no close public bathroom is cleaner than the ones here and even aderall can’t constipate you forever.  But this isn’t just a permission slip to let loose and treat the library like that hollowed out log in the woods (which was probably a squirrel’s house by the way).  Rather, this is a guide to make sure that during finals you’re bowel movements are akin those of the most proper lords and ladies in all of Victoria’s England.

1.. Before you even go have a ten minute inner dialogue about whether to leave your stuff at the table and risk everthing getting stolen while you’re in the bathroom vs. taking it with you and losing your sweet spot by the window.

2. When you go to the bathroom and will be really annoyed by the auto flush going off 3 times just because you stood up to pull your pants up.  Refrain from swearing and handle this with grace.

3. If you use the one down stairs in the Joe the light will go off every 7 minutes.  If you’re a sprinter this won’t be a problem, unfortunately if you’re a distance man like myself you’re going to have to turn those suckers on once or twice.  To do this without activating the auto-flush, stay low and stick your butt out so part of it is still hovering over the toilet, reach out and open the door slightly to activate the sensor and light that place back up.  Note:  If someone walks in when you are halfway out the stall with your pants down and, lets be honest, some stray pee dripping on your leg, they are going to think you are a straight up lunatic.  But on the flip side, if that same person walks in and you’re just silently pooping in the complete pitch dark, they will KNOW you are straight up lunactic, and likely a murderer.

4.  If you must have tunes on the can (and you really should be bringing your textbook), pick one playlist before you go in and ride it the whole way.  Don’t be fiddling with your textbook  with your poop fingers.  Knowing you’ll be pressing that same iPhone screen to your face in 10 minutes makes this one a little easier to remember.  (Seriously, don’t touch it, even if some weirdo Hoobastank song comes on just ride it out and don’t touch the screen.  And really that’s your bad for putting Hoobastank on you hate sex play list anyway).

5.  If there’s a large group in there, try to start a sing-a-long.  People will actually go with it sometimes.  I mean are you telling my you wouldn’t join in on a rousing chorus of Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin” at 1:30 in the morning?

6.  Don’t drill a glory hole into the side of your stall to try and get lucky, the Joe is a classy joint and we don’t have room or patience for your kind of filth.  Go the downstairs bathroom in Sigma Nu if you want that kind of behavior.

7.  Don’t bring your laptop with you into the bathroom unless its an absolute must.  And by must we mean like 7 minutes before your final and you’ve still got 3 pages to read in some article.  98 percent of the people who see you carry a laptop into a bathroom will be sure you’re looking at porn (and they just might be right).

8.  One more thing about the auto flush, if you know you’re about to make a move that will cause it to go off (which you sometimes don’t, I set it off the other day just thinking about moving), make sure you move any open beverage containers you might have away from the splash zone.  Trust me when I say Cherry Soda is better than Shit Water Cherry Twist.

9. WASH. YOUR. HANDS. I swear if I see one more ski boarder flush down a couple of Bebe’s kids and then only stop at the mirror to adjust their beanie and scope their googles tan I am just gonna stop.  I will run my car day and night, just to speed up global warming and melt all your precious pow-pow.  Don’t test me on this snowboarders I swear I see this one more time and I’m luring a family of bears to Boreal next year.

Not a big hand washing crowd

10. On the flip side of number 7, sometimes the poopin’ stall is one of the most productive places on campus.  The Knowledge Center is a circus, especially during these first few days when no one is done yet.  Sometimes, you have to read a chapter or pound out a few paragraphs, if you’re not getting any thing written and you need a little spark, maybe it is cool to take the laptop in the bathroom (as long as you don’t abuse it and stay focused on your paper.  People who do facebook while they poop are the same as thieves and stickup men in my eyes).  That being said, you really can get a lot done while you’re dropping a D.  I mean, where do you think I wrote this article?

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