When you’re a kid and your watching a show, the most romance/lovin’ you ever see is limited to handholding and maybe some kissing.  And this is as it should be, young minds aren’t quite ready to be exposed to the wonders of fornication.  Trust me when I say that a 7th grader’s innocence is shattered the moment his friend shows him a chick bricking in some dude’s mouth online at steak and cheese (remember steak and cheese? No, just me? I was the only one with really pervy friends?).  Anyway we thought we’d go back and take another look at these couples from our youth, to decipher what would have been happening if they had been actual real-world teenagers, and not the abstinent Disney archetypes they were portrayed as.  Their amount of sexin’ will be judged on a scale of 1-5 illegitmate children conceived.

Power Rangers: Tommy/Kimberly – Let’s see, two super hot teenagers (who were actually like 25) that are in great shape, spend 85% of every day together, and constantly go through life threatening situations that bring them closer together.  In the show they would sometimes hold hands and nervously invite each other to Sadie Hawkins dances.  B.S. If this was taking place in the real world you know that every night after saving the city Tommy was balls deep in some Pink Ranger, fogging up the windows in the Dragon Zord cockpit.  Plus look at the Pink Ranger.  She is so hot, Tommy HAD to lock that down.

4 out of  5 illegitimate children.

Power Rangers: Zordon/Alpha 5  – Alpha 5 was soooo gay.  But it kind of makes sense.  Zordon is a giant floating authoritative head, and Alpha 5 is a submissive robot who enjoys being told what to do.  It’s like a craigslist add from hell.  Or space.

0 out of 5 illegitimate kids (because they were both dudes, and either way I don’t think either had any genitalia).

Family Matters: Urkel/Laura – This one I think was less cut and dry. They probably did it once when he was Stephon and now its weird.  He’s desperately in love with her and she’s ashamed and embarrassed.  She probably let him hit that becasue she didn’t assume he would morph back into a nerd with a Scottie Pippen haircut and pants pulled up halfway to his nips the moment they left Orlando (which in fairness to her was a pretty reasonable assumption).

1 out of 5 illegitimate children (because you KNOW Stephon don’t wrap it up.  He wants to feel you girl).

Family Matters

"Did I do thaaaaat?" Yes, You did "do" that. A lot. Especially in your weirdo time machine.

Full House: Danny Tanner/ Uncle Joey – Let’s go down the checklist shall we?  Both were unmarried, had feathered hair, and were raising children together in San Francisco.  Yeah, no red flags there.

1 out of 5 illegitimate children

Lion King: Mufasa/ All them ho’s – Besides Scar and then later Simba there were no other dude lions there.  But there were lots of kids.  Someone had to father these cubs and I think we can all be fairly certain it wasn’t the voodoo monkey or the gay toucan.  And yes that does mean Nala was Simba’s sister.  Sorry for destroying your childhood.

5 out of 5 illegitimate children (although it was probably actually more than 5, and then also a whole bunch of inbred grandkids)

Sesame Street: Ernie/Burt – This one is probably this highest level of debauchery.  And Bert should get a medal for the wild coke fueled orgies that Ernie seemed to be throwing in the tub. What do you think they meant by doing the rubber duck?


Muppets: Gonzo/ Camilla The Chicken – This was probably constant, and probably not consensual.  In a world where almost every animal can talk and wear a suit jacket, Gonzo ended up with a chicken who can’t do anything but cluck.  Yes he claims they have a relationship but is it really consensual? All of the other muppets have the ability to say yes or no like people, so its not as weird when they’re into each other.  From what I can tell Camilla is just a regular chicken.  And she’s probably subject to an unrelenting blue felt weiner pounding every night after Kermit locks up the theater.  And she has no way to stop it.  Because she’s a chicken.

4 out of 5 horrifying, cross species, illegitimate children.

Babar/Miss Babar: Just some hot, nasty elephant sex

No illegitimates, they were married.


Mario Series: Mario/Peach- I will tell you right now that Princess Peach must have got her name from being the best piece of ass in the mushroom kingdom.  Think about what Mario went through for this broad.  Every 2-3 years he would swim through shark infested waters, skip from rock to rock inside of active volcanoes, and ingest huge quantities of mushrooms that couldn’t have been healthy for him.  Oh yeah,  and then he would celebrate it all by fighting a FAMILY OF DINOSAURS.  I have a hard time holding my farts in for my girlfriend.  This level of commitment is unprecedented.

3 out of 5 illegitimate children (though on looks curiously like King Koopa).

Mario Series: Luigi/his hand – went through everything Mario did and got nothing.  He was either jerkin it to images of his brother dying a horrible death or to the vampire page on youporn.

0 out of 5 illegitimate children.

Fresh Prince of Bel Air: Will/whoever he damn well pleased

5 out of 5 illegitimate children, many of whom can Whip their Hair.

Return of The Jedi: Jabba The Hut/Princess Leia – personally this one is the most painful for me.  I don’t think I realized it until I was like 14 or 15, but when I did I was legitimately horrified.  Don’t believed they got it on?  Let’s look at the facts:

  1. Leia woke up next to Jabba wearing nothing but a metal bikini and a look of shame.
  2. Two when he pulls her over to him after he catches her he sticks his tongue out and LICKS HER FACE.  A pre-rape move if I’ve ever seen one.
  3. When given the chance, the normally diplomatic princess Leia grabs her chain and mercilessly chokes him to death.  This strangling sequence takes about a full minute, during which time Jabba’s eyes roll into the back of his head as life slips away from his convulsing body.  This is BY FAR the most gruesome murder in the entire Star Wars saga, and it is fueled by the holy vengeance of a rape victim so we’re all okay with it.

0 out of 5 illegitimate children.  You know Han aborted that shit.

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A. We took 3 weeks off to honor the 2043rd anniversary of the death of Julius Caesar on the Ides of March

B. Kicked in the juke box at the Wal and have been working two jobs to pay it off.

C.  Following my father’s diary in a quest for the Holy Grail with my friends Salah and Marcus.

D. I had custody of my 3 illegitimate children.

E.  Caring way too much about the ASUN election.

F. Chat Roulette.

G. We were detained in Cancun for charges we can’t legally mention without an attorney present.

H. Following the Nevada Basketball team in all of their post season endeavors.  Oh wait, that was over two weeks ago…never mind.

I. Carefully analyzing health care reform.  Wait you see through my lies?  Ok I found my old Sega Genesis and got really lost in Sonic 2.

J. Building a vision board so that Colin Kaepernick will talk to me JUST ONCE

K. Going through every possible 775 number and texting “Hey Kap”.  I’m going to get the right one eventually. Yes, two devoted to my love of Kap.

L.  Rehab.

M. Spending my time as the only white kid in “The Center”

N. Because we’re lazy and we didn’t want to do it.  What are you gonna stop paying us to entertain you?

O. Following Justin Beiber around America. Hellooooo Beiber Fever.

P. Crying about Reno’s crazy weather patterns on my FB page. Oh wait, that was you. And it’s really annoying.  SO STOP.

R.  Busy getting sexually assaulted by Ben Rothlesberger

S. Longest. Pee. Ever

T. Storing up on Peeps and Shamrock Shakes. Those bitches are only come around once a year.

U.  Using Foursquare to become the mayor of the Wal.

V. Non-stop push ups.  I’m now the butchiest girl on campus.

W. Ummm…. would I lose all my street cred if I said homework?

X. Getting all my eating in.  If I wanna be skinny by summer the anorexia has to start now.

Y. Waxing this guy’s counters and painting his fences.  I know it seems like a waste of a month, but if it really does help me take down those mother fuckers at Cobra Chai it will all be worth it.

Z. Marathoning the first 6 seasons of Full House.  And if that’s a crime you can call me a violent repeat offender.