Predictions for the new decade

December 15, 2009

The 00’s are winding down faster than your Dad after a hard day at the mill… and we can’t believe it’s over.  A lot of sweet ass stuff happened this decade: first black president, puberty, going to college, B2K, you participating in your first make shift abortion, Jersey Shore, etc.  Everyone and your  mom is doing a list about the best of this decade.  Not the Nevada SpaceSuit.  Instead, we are going to give you our top predictions for things that will happen in the upcoming decade.  As evidenced by our horoscopes we’re bordering on Miss Cleo levels of psychic ability (secretly hardest word ever to spell right on the first time: psychic), so you should really pay attention. So here it is, our top alphabet list (this one goes all the way to Z!) of “The Teens: the stuff that’s 100% for sure happening in the next decade”

A. With the apocalypse upon us, God asks for his voice back from journalism professor Paul Mitchell.

B. You get married.

C. You get divorced.

D. The Nevada SpaceSuit still has a readership of under 200 people.

E. Mattel perfects and then mass markets hoverboards by 2015.  This one has to happen so that Back To The Future II can come true-although that’s actually true for a lot of things…

F. NEVADA finally adopts a hand gesture that looks like an actual wolf and stops stealing Texas’ hook ’em horns gesture.

G. Chris Ault introduces a new offense.  This one’s called WINNING.

H. Sales of Call of Duty will surpass most European nation’s GDP’s

I. Soccer will finally fulfill its destiny and become the most popular sport in America.

J. No it won’t.  It’s gay.

K. The shuttle drivers figure out how to space themselves out from each other.

L. Sarah Palin loses the next election, my aunt Pam can’t believe it.

M. Nevada 2100 in the Sagebrush will have failed to get any of their predictions right.  Plus it still won’t ever be funny.

N. The Athletic Department will add another wolf mascot. Her name will be Alphina. You know, so Alphie can finally get laid.

O. Casey Stiteler will run and win the position of ASUN President. Everyone still thinks it’s Eli Reilly.

P. Someone from the basketball team actually graduates

Q. Phi Delt finally reestablishes contact with the mother ship

R. I finally make the transition into being the creepy old guy at the club

S. Marcellus Kemp stops to think about how much he misses college, but goes back to cooking the fries.

T. Reno is finally able to anticipate winter coming and gets their shit together with more than 9 snow plows for the whole city.

U. Tila Tequila finally finds true love

V. Kids will talk about Twilight was such a classic from “back in the day”.  You will just want to slap the shit out of these kids.

W. A couple football players wear something other than matching Nevada sweat pants.

X. They are immediately ostracized.

Y. ASUN vice President Charlie Jose has to start shaving more than once every 3 months.

Z. The real Mark Fox is found in a lab outside Fernley. It is revealed that an evil clone engineered by Utah State quit the coaching job at Nevada and everything in the world makes sense again.

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3 Responses to “Predictions for the new decade”

  1. Caitlin said

    Just wanted to let you guys know how much this blog kicks ass. It kinda made me want to start writing at the University. Wow, I know. A little intense. But its true. I write the sex column for the UNR Sagebrush and I try to keep it silly and edgy (well, as much as I can get away with at the fucking Sagebrush. Ha ha. Keep up the good shit and check out my writings if you are ever bored. Also, I’m always down for advise from a more experienced writer as I am totally new to this.
    -Caitlin Thomas
    ps-WHO ARE YOU GUYS? haha

    • nevadaspacesuit said

      We really appreciate those kind words Caitlin. But to tell you the truth, it’s making me uncomfortable. I only know how to put people down and make sarcastic comments (call me a passive aggressive, if you must). So in all honestly, I’m gonna have to make this short. So thanks for the fan mail, keep up your creepy sex columns for the Sagebrush (I’m sorry, I’m just not as open with my sexuality as you are after the third baby-scare). And seriously, don’t rely on us for inspiration to “kinda make you want to start writing at the University” – we’re an unreliable source (as Sir Thomas Moore will confirm) and really we’re mostly drunk.

  2. Caitlin said

    Eh, never meet your heroes, I suppose. Ha, kidding. Alright back to my abortion!

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