Happy Homecoming!

October 24, 2009

new yearsOpen up that bottle of Andres you’ve been saving, today is a special occasion.

It’s Homecoming! GO PACK!

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Homecoming at Nevada is really one of the best times of the year.  Also, in a stroke of cleverness the HC Crew has picked Dr. Seuss as the theme.  In honor of Homecoming and psychedelically colored anthropomorphic animals (our two favorite things) we have written this poem about the most wonderful time of the year:

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October is passing and Homecoming is here,

Pour out the Blue Thunder and let out a cheer

Midterms are coming and you really should study

But instead you’re cigarette bumming saying fuck books

Kapernick’s running and Kapernick’s throwing

The frats are float building and way over bro-ing

Thetas hate Tri-Delts and Tri-Delts hate Thetas

Although to 85% of this campus that’s just useless data

At the talent show Sigma Kappa grins cheek to cheek

While most apathetic students just think its free burger week

People don’t care, and perhaps they have reason,

After all it is almost snowboarding season,

But there are some of us that do, and for this we rejoice

We’ll be the ones in the student section, bringing the noise,

So go ahead and be oblivious, let the good times pass,

Just know it’s like walking by Shakira, and not scoping her ass (so pointless)

Wolves are a hopping and wolves are a skipping,

Vandals are heaving their tears are all dripping

And it’s not cuz they’re sneeches without stars on their breeches

Not cuz they’re road leeches or some kind of who-peaches

They know they’re going down and the reason’s a cinch

It’s because they’re Christmas, and we’re the mutha-fuckin’ Grinch

Go Pack.

It seems like we always get the same goddamn questions asked of us over and over. So, instead of trying to get in contact with us, spare everyone the boredom and check out our new frequently asked question section. And if your question isn’t here… why don’t you do everyone a favor and keep it to yourself.

faq

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):
So you didn’t get shitastically hammered at the UNLV game. Go you! However, during the Homecoming game your outlook doesn’t look as lucky. An all day, weekend long celebration never really works out in your favor. Weird.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Also rhymes with Stegosaurus.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Swimming upstream is sometimes hard, little fish. But know that swallowing your pride is half the battle. This month, try and not talk only about yourself. That shiz gets annoying.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):
You know what we hate? Paper cuts. You should too. But only for October.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):
In the words of one of my Facebook friends who just updated their status, “haters can suck it.” Don’t get down on yourself this month Leo. Remember your leader,  Mufasa’s wisdom: “One day, Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new king.”

Aries (March 21-April 19):
We just want you to know that all this rain is probably your fault.  Although you should also know that we’re not so much mad as we are impressed by your apparent wizard-like powers (but still a little mad).

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):
This month, you’re ugly. So there’s that…

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):
To avoid getting your picture taken and put on PeopleofWalmart.com – lose the ponytail. Seriously.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):
Oh Gemini! Sweet, lovable, perfect, laugh out loud funny Gemini.  Wanna make out? No? Ok.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):
Oh shizzz! It’s your birthday. Wait, we don’t like you. Go to hell.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):
We already know you’re thinking of being Michael Jackson for Halloween. As well as allll the other signs.  It’s a “bad, bad, really, really bad” idea.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):
You know who we like? Sagebrush sports editor Juan Lopez. You should totally date him. You’re a dude? NBD.

Lookin' good blondie

Lookin' good blondie

So for those of you who missed it (although it didn’t seem like many of you did) last night was a classic one for the Little Waldorf,  all the stereotypes were there.  You know, the people who will always show up at the Wal on a Thursday night. We know who they are, but incase you don’t (what are you, socially retarded?) … Here are our favorites.

a. The guy who you really only marginally know but they act like you’re closer than Ernie and Bert.  This guy is always either phenomenally wasted, there pretty much by himself, or both.  You have to look out for this character, he’s probably not rolling that deep and so he is a danger to suddenly become part of your group.  Other people who came with you will start to question your ability as a judge of character for wanting to hang out with this guy.  He’ll probably also try to bring up some story he remembers from a long time ago that involved you and him.  It’s almost always either a story about one “hella crazy CH discussion” or some test that was “way too hard bro.  Like seriously, eff that ess”.

b. The over-hugger.  This person (like many in this list) will hug you either every 6 minutes, or every time you leave and come back, whichever comes first.  They are sure to spill at least one of your drinks with their quick mtions and flailing limbs.  Also, they will want to give you there number at least 3 or 4 times throughout the night (though due to their drunkenness at least one of these will by a totally mystifying stream of seven or eight 5’s).

c.  The person who keeps going outside to spark one up.  They swear they only smoke when they drink (however as they all have their own packs we must often examine the validity of this claim).

d. Greg Bailor.  Seriously, this guy is there every time and not just Thursdays either.  Why they don’t have either a bust of him mounted outside or list him as an official sponsor is beyond us.  This guy is always good for a cheers to whatever you’re talking about or for a detailed explanation of how he will some day become governor (which btdub, convinces me every time).

Governor Bailor and his "constituencies"

Governor Bailor and his "constituencies"

e.  That Mexican dude in the cowboy hat who tries to hustle everyone at pool.  Apparently we keep him young.

f. That person who is one of your gf/bf’s “best friend” from freshman year (aka they made out… a lot).  They insist on doing shots together, which your better half tells you is “not a big deal” and “just between friends” and “look, he just knows kamikazes are my favorite drink so he keeps buying me them.”  This guy is a fuck bag.

g. The guy who creepily lingers around the dance floor but never actually tries to dance with anyone.  This will usually be a heavier set gentleman in a baggy South Pole shirt with a K-Fed beard and a half empty rum and coke.

h. Us.  Are you kidding? We fuckin’ love this place.

i. The frat guy who only talks to you when you two see each other at the Wal. This way, he has enough liquid courage to hit on you. God forbid he’d talk to you in “real” life.  You have beautiful eyes, by the way.

j.  The crowd of people that apparently go to school here, but you’ve never seen them in your life.  Seriously. Who are these people? Like, not even remotely familiar. (Note: They may also be people who don’t go to school here.  They graduated high school in ’04 and now they don’t have anywhere else to go.  They will over compensate by making a ton of jokes about Glick or Ault).

k. My business card. Yep. Check it out in one of the horseshoes nailed to the wood pillars. He’s always there.. day in.. and day out.. always backing every decision I make.

l.  The line cutter. I mean we don’t have to wait in line, we know Greg Bailor. But what about everybody else? That line is sometimes 100 people long.  These are probably the same people who are hitting on your bf/gf.  Again, fuckbags.

m. The same seven bartenders – did you know those aren’t event their real names? Can you name them all? We can. Cuban, Big, Saturn, Skip, Miggity, Frau and BeastMaster

n. All the snow-loving, 4 XL wearing, greasy long haired creatures that have no where else to go since Fritz’s shut down.

o. The girl from your senior class that got pregnant. Surprise! It’s not yours though. Close call.

p. Those beezies that stay in the bathroom taking MySpace pictures of themselves in the mirror. Note: MySpace isn’t cool anymore, yo.

q. The girl that keeps getting shots for everyone.  She will inevitably do some combination of the following three things: throw up on you, make out with you, and/or ask you to take her to Jack In The Box.

Wake up and smile. We’re going to beat the Rebels today.

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Not our fault

October 3, 2009

Oh hey there. So, sorry we haven’t posted in… well, five months. It’s called “summer break” people! And our summer break stayed strong into fall.  Look, we don’t go by the Milton Glick’s calendar.  We go by God’s, and his said that summer lasted until September 21st.  The ten days after that?  Probably a combination of Beatles Rock Band, depression from being 0-3, laziness, and what one registered nurse (though I’d like to see the degree mill that quack got certified at) called a pretty serious huffing addiction.

But don’t be mad at us. We here at the NSS are here to stay.

Oh. And stop sending hate mail.

Let us count the ways…

October 2, 2009

The UNLV game is fast approaching and hate is in the air.  Beer will be spilled, punches thrown and members of the Blue Crew almost certainly incarcerated.  Yes ladies and gents, alcohol-fueled hatred runs a little higher this time of year on the Nevada Campus (a drunken anger rivaled only by the time the Davidson Academy kids found out they weren’t getting recess last April).  PS, totally not our fault.

If the good people of the University of Nevada had it their way we would live in harmony with our neighbors to the south.  Much like the way the US coexists with Mexico.  We acknowledge that the place up North is more of a place of learning, art, success, and not a ton of malaria and shit.  We also agree that the southern establishment is a nice place to go for a weekend for a boozer and some cheap hand jobs.  But other than that, not really somewhere you’d want to live.

So then why are things the way they are?  Why can’t Nevada and UNLV get along?  Well if it’s not us, then it clearly must be them.  And really it does make sense, number two is always jealous of number one. Its the same in everything, Pepsi always attacks Coke, Cobra always tries to take down GI Joe, your little brother resents you because you’re Mom’s favorite, we’ve all been there.

However before you get mad at the needless anger and contempt shown us by our poor brethren from the south, think about why they’re mad and maybe you’ll understand why it has to be this way.  We’re just better here.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.

But exactly how are we better, you ask?  Well compadre neither you nor I has time for that kind of comprehensive list (and in all honesty it remains unclear if the internet has the capacity).  But we here at NSS are more than happy to give you our favorite points of why every single student at the University of Nevada is superior to their lower latitude’d counterparts.

13. You had the ability the read this far with out stopping for a Sunny-D halfway down the page.

13a. You have the ability to read.

12. You only hook up with a skanky chick because you made a mistake.  They do it just by walking outside.

11. You live far far away from North Las Vegas and its crimes against decency.

10. They watch “Two And A Half Men” and just love the shit out of it.

9. Everyone in Vegas is always psyched to buy “30 Stones”.  Here we can keep it classy and just pour Capri-Sun in our vodka.

8. You didn’t cheer for Hexxus in Ferngully.

7. You have the correct amount of fingers.

7a. Your penis/vag is all one color.

6. You’re never in danger of being attacked by a white tiger or accosted by Criss Angel or any of that other weird magic show shit they have down there.

5. You’ve never cried because you’re worried Uncle Jesse might never forgive Michelle.

4.  Your student body has an Israelite at the reigns, they’re just better at shit like that.

3. When your parents say they love you, they mean it.

3a. unlv

2. You stop to smell the roses. They hide behind the 7-11 to smell permanent markers.

2a. You don’t think “If You Give A Moose A Muffin” as biting social commentary.

1. You know the Red Power Ranger always wished he was blue.

1a. The cannon looks way better blue (a red cannon? What kind of camouflage is that? Are we going to war with fucking Candy Land?)