Let us count the ways…

October 2, 2009

The UNLV game is fast approaching and hate is in the air.  Beer will be spilled, punches thrown and members of the Blue Crew almost certainly incarcerated.  Yes ladies and gents, alcohol-fueled hatred runs a little higher this time of year on the Nevada Campus (a drunken anger rivaled only by the time the Davidson Academy kids found out they weren’t getting recess last April).  PS, totally not our fault.

If the good people of the University of Nevada had it their way we would live in harmony with our neighbors to the south.  Much like the way the US coexists with Mexico.  We acknowledge that the place up North is more of a place of learning, art, success, and not a ton of malaria and shit.  We also agree that the southern establishment is a nice place to go for a weekend for a boozer and some cheap hand jobs.  But other than that, not really somewhere you’d want to live.

So then why are things the way they are?  Why can’t Nevada and UNLV get along?  Well if it’s not us, then it clearly must be them.  And really it does make sense, number two is always jealous of number one. Its the same in everything, Pepsi always attacks Coke, Cobra always tries to take down GI Joe, your little brother resents you because you’re Mom’s favorite, we’ve all been there.

However before you get mad at the needless anger and contempt shown us by our poor brethren from the south, think about why they’re mad and maybe you’ll understand why it has to be this way.  We’re just better here.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.

But exactly how are we better, you ask?  Well compadre neither you nor I has time for that kind of comprehensive list (and in all honesty it remains unclear if the internet has the capacity).  But we here at NSS are more than happy to give you our favorite points of why every single student at the University of Nevada is superior to their lower latitude’d counterparts.

13. You had the ability the read this far with out stopping for a Sunny-D halfway down the page.

13a. You have the ability to read.

12. You only hook up with a skanky chick because you made a mistake.  They do it just by walking outside.

11. You live far far away from North Las Vegas and its crimes against decency.

10. They watch “Two And A Half Men” and just love the shit out of it.

9. Everyone in Vegas is always psyched to buy “30 Stones”.  Here we can keep it classy and just pour Capri-Sun in our vodka.

8. You didn’t cheer for Hexxus in Ferngully.

7. You have the correct amount of fingers.

7a. Your penis/vag is all one color.

6. You’re never in danger of being attacked by a white tiger or accosted by Criss Angel or any of that other weird magic show shit they have down there.

5. You’ve never cried because you’re worried Uncle Jesse might never forgive Michelle.

4.  Your student body has an Israelite at the reigns, they’re just better at shit like that.

3. When your parents say they love you, they mean it.

3a. unlv

2. You stop to smell the roses. They hide behind the 7-11 to smell permanent markers.

2a. You don’t think “If You Give A Moose A Muffin” as biting social commentary.

1. You know the Red Power Ranger always wished he was blue.

1a. The cannon looks way better blue (a red cannon? What kind of camouflage is that? Are we going to war with fucking Candy Land?)

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2 Responses to “Let us count the ways…”

  1. Sir Thomas More said

    At least the Red Cannon looks better then the puke paintjob UNR puts it on it. Must be the budge cuts.

    • nevadaspacesuit said

      Thanks for chiming in Sir Thomas. I must tell you we’re honored that you took time off from battling the evils of Lutheranism to time travel forward to 2009 to weigh in the color of the cannon (which in all honesty must be surprising to you in many ways, as cannons will not be introduced in Europe until after you die. For serious, are you having an Encino Man going to the amusement park with Pauly Shore moment right now?). Anyway, two points on what you just said:
      1. 63 points on 773 yards. Go ahead and read that again.
      2. I have to question your diet if your definition of normal puke color is a majestic navy blue. We’re not sure what you’re eating but maybe you should try getting some more fruit in there or something bro.

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