Hopefully by now you’ve seen the video of Governor Jim Gibbons being interviewed/surprised by the Las Vegas Now I-Team as he got home from the airport the other night.  If not go ahead and watch it here.


Okay did you watch it?  Good.  I know, we can’t believe it either.  How is this guy really the one making the decisions on which of our state programs to cut?  Further more, how did he even get elected?  We aren’t positive on either of these but if we were speculating on the latter we’d say he got elected based on an elaborate double dare.



To help you try and make some sense of this, the Nevada Spacesuit is presenting this, a play-by-play analysis of what is clearly the saddest (and most unintentionally hilarious) video since “Leave Britney Alone.”



0:02 – We start off with a bombshell as Gibbons gets off the escalator. He’s wearing his sunglasses indoors like he thinks he’s Stevie Wonder. On the step directly behind him we see his main squeeze Kathy Karasch.  Now I don’t know about you but if someone I know really well, say my like girlfriend, is on the step behind me I will notice her.  Keep this in mind as you listen to what he says next.


0:19 – A reporter (who we find out later is named Jonathan), approaches Governor Gibbons and asks him who he was travelling with on this flight. Gibbons responds with the can’t-be-construed-as-anything-but-no answer “What’s it to you?”. You can already see that the next five minutes are going to be filled with mature, gubernatorial conversation.


0:40 – After a couple more “What’s it to you’s?”  Governor Gibbons claims that taxpayers didn’t pay for “it”.  When pressed on who it was, Gibbons changes lanes without signaling and says that it was just him and security on the trip.


0:56 – After denying that Kathy Karasch was on the trip or plane with him, Gibbons alleges that she’s not even in the airport.  Remember earlier when we all agreed we would notice if our gf was on the step behind us we would notice? Apparently not this guy.


1:14 Gibbons refuses to state unequivocally that Karasch isn’t in the airport and changes the subject back to the taxpayer thing again.  Likely because we were all confused by what unequivocally meant.


1:24 – The Governor of our state says that Kathy Karasch (or K-squared) being on a flight with him paid for by the state would be “impossible”.  When asked why this is impossible he says “because it wouldn’t happen.” Hmmmm, not totally sure he gets what impossible actually means.  For something to be impossible it has to be something that you can’t do, not something you won’t do. You see, I wouldn’t jump onto the football field during a game and take pee on the big N.  But, I could do it if I wanted to.  Something you would not do is different than something you could not do.  Like how a rational person wouldn’t vote for a guy who is not only a speech plagiarizer, but once said “tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie, tie-dyed liberals [in Hollywood should] … go make their movies and their music and whine somewhere else,” adding, “it’s just too damn bad we didn’t buy them a ticket” to become human shields in Iraq. But he still got elected anyway.  See, not impossible.


1:32 – Jonathan: That wasn’t Kathy Karasch who came down on the flight with you?

Gibbons : No.


1:38 – We see Kathy Karasch walking to the baggage claim.  With the grace of Olympic medalist Evan Lysencheck she pirouettes away from the cameras and heads to the ladies room. Note that when she walks in she’s wearing a stylish white overcoat.


1:52 – After a few minutes of what had to be really uncomfortable creeping outside a women’s bathroom with two giant cameras  (no real way to not look pervy on that one), Karasch comes back out of the bathroom.  This time she’s wearing a brown jacket.  That’s right; K squared thought she’d duck the reporters by changing her jacket. Hey Kay Kay, do you know how the reporters knew it was you in the first place? Your face. Believe it or not they did not identify you by your jacket.  I can guarantee you that the RGJ has never ran a report with the headline “Gibbons sends over 800 text messages to a woman in a white coat”. Pretty sure they ran more along the lines of “Gibbons sends over 800 text messages to Kathy Karasch”.  So unless your plan for a disguise was donning a ski mask of some kind (inadvisable in an airport by the way), I’m not really sure what your angle was.


1:56 – Here’s where it really gets rough.  Reporter Jonathan begins interviewing K-2 as she borderline jogs out to the parking lot.  He starts peppering her with questions about where she was and if she was with the Governor. It’s here we find that K Dub has an interesting tell.  Every time she lies or tries to deny something, she starts off the sentence with “You know what…”. No fooling.  EVERY SINGLE TIME she’s denying something she says “You know what”.  Helpful tip in the event you find yourself in a game of high stakes poker with Kay Day.


2:38 – Starting off her third sentence in the last six with “You know what…” K squared claims that the reason she turned around to go back into the bathroom when the cameras got to her was that she probably forgot to wash her hands and she’s a very clean person. Two major problems with that statement. Firstly, did you go in the bathroom because you probably forgot to wash your hands or because you did forget to wash your hands? I know its late but this happened at most 5 minutes (or however long it takes to change a coat) ago, so you should remember why you went back in there.  Secondly, anyone who is a “very clean person,” does not forget to wash their hands when they exit an airport bathroom.  Some would argue that a “very clean person” does not even enter an airport bathroom.


2:47 – Getting Warm.  K squared throws out an absolute zinger by stating that maybe she was in Las Vegas (the origin of their connecting flight) because “You know what, I could’ve been in Las Vegas having tea with the first lady”. Hahahaha were Batman and the Pope at this tea party too? Because that had just as good a chance of happening. Here’s why that was a dumb thing to say:

1. Michelle Obama was seen at the Governor’s conference you didn’t go to so she wasn’t in Las Vegas.

2. You know who Michelle Obama did have tea with this week?  The Dalai Lama.  You don’t go from spiritual leader of Tibet to girlfriend of Governor with a 10 percent approval rating.  That’s like starting off the original “We Are The World” video with Lionel Richie and then doing the next one with Justin Bieber.  No one makes that transition (oh, wait…).


3:09 – She’s heating up.  After opening the trunk for no discernable reason K-K claims that the people of Nevada need to know that Gibbons is a “very honorable and trustworthy man.”  No comment on this one, there’s no way to make that statement more hilarious.


3:21- And she’s on fire!  Kay-Z brings it all home by saying “You know it doesn’t really matter who I spent time with.  I spent time with Arnold Schwarzenegger this weekend.  Does that matter to you?” Yes.  And you know why it does?  Because Arnold Schwarzenegger is not just the man who killed T-1000, he is also the governor of California.  Do you know where all the governors where this weekend?  That’s right, at the Governor’s Conference in Washington D.C.  Where you weren’t/totes were.

(Note, if Arnold actually sent a cyborg look-alike to the conference in his place and actually spent the weekend in the jungle with Apollo Creed killing Predators, and that’s where you were with him?  Then we apologize for everything and take the whole thing back.  You Miss are an American hero and we salute you. Buuuut, if you were both actually at the Governor’s Conference, than methinks we smell a fibber).


3:39 – A member of the Governor’s security detail helps the upset Karasch into the car.  Jonathan begins questioning him about what he’s doing, and he responds by saying, get this, “No comment”.  Jonathan pursues it and the agent walks away.  How is it that this guy is the only one who knows how to handle pesky reporters?  The Governor could have gone the same way and pleaded the fifth, but instead chose to straight up lie.  Has he never seen a cop movie?  Taking a step back, we’ve got to hand it to the security guard.  We actually feel bad for this guy, he’s just trying to do his job and help out the state of Nevada.  It’s not his fault the Governor wanted to bring his “good friend” to D.C. with him.  He’s just trying to help out and keep his head down.  We like him.  Plus, he reminds us of Jack from Lost so that makes us like him a little more.  If the election was tomorrow and only people featured in this video were running, we would definitely vote for this guy (or the scruffy guy holding the other camera, he’s got spunk).


4:20 – After yet another go around of the “was she with you?”, “she wasn’t in the conference”.  Gibbons walks up to THE SAME CAR K^2 got in and starts to load his bags.  Frankly I have to admit that at this point I was jealous.  You see, my girlfriend and I have a hard time coordinating our schedules, and we talk all the time.  But the Governor of our state and KK don’t have to.  They can not know where the other one even is for a whole weekend, stumble onto the same plane, ride down the escalator inches apart without even noticing each other, never say a single word to each other in the airport, and STILL end up in the same car. That my friends, is a level of coordination and planning abilities that I will just never have. So I want to take this moment to say: I’m sorry babe, I’m sorry we’re not as dialed in as Gibbons and his lady are.


4:39 – Gibbons keeps claiming Karasch wasn’t at the conference and Jonathan tells him that she claimed she met the Governor of California this weekend.  Gibbons takes a second to think about it, and then dead serious says “well she met him somewhere.”  It would seem the Governor is also unsure of just where the Kindergarten Cop was this weekend and may even possibly subscribe to our cyborg decoy/predator hunt theory.


5:11 – Gibbons tries to justify what he said earlier by claiming Kathy Karasch was not in D.C. and only joined him in Las Vegas.  Jonathan points out that this would still make his earlier statement that she was not in the airport a lie.


He then brings up the thing that we should be writing about, the fact that this week there is a special session to cut away $1 billion from Nevada’s state budget, a large piece of which Gibbons wants to come out of our University. When Jonathan asks him why he’s just now getting back from a trip on which he may or may not have been accompanied by a woman who was not his wife (because the divorce has yet to be legally finalized.  Classy.) the GibGov just loses it.  In what is probably his only candid moment of the interview, the Governor tells Jonathan that he is full of shit.

He just loves the piss out of that black turtle neck look


Now look, who would we be to criticize the use of colorful language?  We’ve used it ourselves in the past.  Sometimes when you’re mad it just comes out.  We’ve sworn at calculus tests so we can certainly see him swearing at the kid who’s been grilling him and his (maybe) lady friend.  The swearing is not what we’re mad about. What we’re mad about is that this guy is going to try and get the legislature to cut funding for education this week.  He’s doing it because Nevada can’t raise the money that most states can because we don’t have income tax.  Gibbons thinks that adopting an income tax is impossible (because he wouldn’t do it) because businesses would not want to come here if we had one.  But you know what else would make businesses not want to come here? People who graduated from half a university. Other states have income taxes and businesses still go there.  But no business will go to a place that doesn’t the people who are trained to work there.


Cutting education is cutting our future.  It is cutting our children’s future and it is cutting any potential gubernatorial love child’s future.  We cannot in good conscience stand by while this liar who doesn’t understand how cameras work decides to cut education.  This guy is at the wheel, and it is irresponsible of us to let him drive us all off a cliff.  So write letters, call your state senators and protest the capital.  Make signs, start facebook groups, where bitingly clever t-shirts.  If we want Nevada to stay relevant past next Tuesday, we have to protect it from Fred Flinstone’s older, more confused brother.  This is your time, rise up and make sure that a guy who doesn’t even know how to tell a lie that makes sense doesn’t get his way.


Finally we leave you with this: If you get active and education doesn’t get cut, we promise that we will take you to a tea party in Las Vegas with Michelle Obama.

Advertisements

Look times are tough out there.  And as college students who either rely on entry level jobs at Port O’ Subs or your parents, you probably don’t have a lot of discretionary scrilla either.  No sir these are not times of stunna shades and midgets hangin from yo necklace.  However, that does not mean you should stop sippin on gin and juice; rather, you just need to learn to make the most out of the gin and juice on which you are sipping.

This friends, is our manifesto:

1. Pre game.  Everything.

2. Be a hot girl who’s not afraid to talk to a creepy older gentlemen for 10-20 minutes.

PS. You could also try this with a younger man but we feel worse about young World of War Craft virgins getting their hopes up and the getting shot down then we do about guys with kids.  Ladies have a heart, if you use a lonely nerd to buy you drinks all night, be a dear and give him a handy in the alley behind the bar.  I can guarantee you he won’t last long enough for you to finish the drink he bought you on the way out.  We’re not asking you to sleep with them or even get in their car (or on the back of their Luck Dragon), we live in a capitalist society here people, not everything can be free).

PPS. This is especially true if you’re not that hot.  5’s and 6’s shouldn’t be all high and mighty and automatically shoot down 3’s and 4’s who’ve bought them drinks all night.

PPPS. Those last two parts were really just wishful thinking.  You can totally use guys for free drinks if you have both of your boobs and a pulse.

3. Don’t be afraid to add a little volume to your home made cocktails with some cough syrup.  Mike Jones and Paul Wall sip the syzurp all the time and they turned out just fine.

4. Give blood that morning so it hits you harder.

5. Better yet, sell your blood at Biomat and the use the money to double all your cocktails at the break.  That’s double the booze with only 3/4’s the blood.  This my friends is what they’re talking about when they teach optimization in all your business classes.

6. But maybe you only have a few beers or shots at your disposal and you’re in a time crunch.  This is where you have to get creative.  Pound everything you have as fast as you can.  Count to 30 and then turn your head upside down so all the blood rushes to your head.  Hold it there until the room starts spinning and then come back up.  This won’t get you all the way there and it won’t last long, but it will hold over if you’re starting to come down at a basketball game with 5 minutes left and they cut of alcohol sales at halftime.

Speaking of which…

7. Don’t ever buy more than two beers at a basketball game.  Get one when you walk in and one right before half time.  Anything other than that and you’re being taken for a ride.  You might as well be importing your beer from Japan in hand painted glass bottles for those prices.

8. Always remember that smoking a cigarette will take you up at least 2 levels on the drunkeness scale for 15-20 minutes.  You can always bum these from people if you ask really nicely and pretend you just moved here from Michigan to strike up a conversation (well, that’s what I do).

9. Sneak a flask into the game.  They will pat you down but they can’t pat over your crotch so hide it there. And if they do, just tell them you’re happy to see them.  Now I know what you’re thinking, “Hey Spacey, won’t that be cold on my pene/hoo-ha?” Not if you wear another pair of underwear underneath.  I know right? Why didn’t you think of that before?

David Bowie demonstrates our flask in the groin technique

10.  When you’re in a meeting with a professor wait until they look away and then look between their desk and the wall.  80 percent chance there’s either half a bottle of Jack or last year’s midterm back there.  Either way you win.

11. Get on the Beer Pong table and stay there.

12. Even if you don’t have any money still go out with your friends.  Eventually one of them will be a little tipsy and just start buying you stuff.

13. Two words: Sugar Mama

14. Wear a bunch of sweaters and sit by the heater when you drink.  The heat will make it hit you more.  If you have access to a greenhouse this will be even sweeter.

15. Notice we haven’t told you to be one of those douches who shows up to a party with six of his boys chain smoking in hoodies asking “Where’s the beer at?”  That’s because don’t be that guy.  You’re better than that.  Rule of thumb always bring at least something to a party.  Even if its just half a Redbull, no one likes the guy who shows up and grabs eight beers before talking to anyone.  We’re only here to teach people.

16. Of course you and we both know that the cheapest way to get housed is actually doing it at your house.  As long as you have a sober driver to wherever you’re going we totes recommend this (also if you’re within roller blading distance and there aren’t any steep hills).

Here is the best cheap stuff in the Reno when you’re gaming it at home.  Keep in mind that any way you can incorporate Street Fighter 4 into the mix is only gonna make this better.

a. Whatever your roommate has in the fridge.

b. Cheap Gordon’s vodka and orange gatorade.  I swear its great.

c. Robitussin and Splenda.

d. Apple juice you left in your window in the sun that has hopefully fermented into moonshine.

e. When you’re low on milk and vodka combine them into the same container.  You will have white russians ready to go and your milk will last longer because of the alcohol.  Your Count Chocula will taste like the Devil’s chode though.

f. Whatever’s in that bottle that’s been on top of your fridge from that party you had 7 months ago.  Remember we’re not going for taste here.

17. Go down to Lucky Liquor Mart #2 on Wells by Juicy’s.  They have 12 packs of 32 oz Natty Light for $15.  It’s like legal stealing.

On a serious note the Nevada SpaceSuit wants you to know that we in no way endorse drunk driving.  It’s good to have fun, but it’s not good to have the kind of fun that ends you in a drunk tank or in a life time filled with guilt.  Also, the thing you see in the back of cabs or walking home a little saucy are wondorous and always unique, like Ferngully.

Valentine’s Day is swiftly approaching so we here at the SpaceSuit offices thought we should address the topic of love.  One of the things that makes college so magical is the possibility of meeting your future spouse in your poli sci class or over an orange kool-aid post-orgy.  However, no one just walks into the one they want to spend the rest of their life with, and the people who do well we hope you divorce each other. For everybody else who’s love life isn’t like as straight forward as a fortune cookie …. You’ve gotta drink a lot of vodka and you have to date a lot of people.  Here to help you see who some of these lucky individuals are gonna be, here’s a list of the people you WILL hookup with in college.

The Drunken Mystery

Did we? didn’t we? I can’t tell.  All you know for sure is that you can’t find your panties and that in and of itself is a problem. This probably happened before you realized pouring Crystal Light in your Vod isn’t the same as using a mixer and you had a bit too much to drink (or it could also be the night you found out the Cue and Cushion will give you 10 beers for $1 on Mondays, the choice, as Olmec from Legends of The Hidden Temple would tell you, “Is yours and yours alone”).  Anyway you’ll end up hooking up with someone that night, and then totes not remembering it at all the next morning.  You’ll hear stories about this person from your friends.  Sometimes they’re good, sometimes they’re bad; either way your mind will never be totally at ease until you figure out who it was.  Every time you pass a hottie you’ll hope it was them, and every time you pass someone who looks like they would be more at home in the Death Star’s trash compactor room you’ll shudder and remind yourself that you really do need to get up to the health center for that gonorrhea test.  Although we will say that the process of elimination on figuring out who it was is just thrilling.  It’s like playing a real-life version of “Guess Who”.

The Dorm Buddy

When you’re a freshman, pretty much anyone is hot. You know why? Because you can have sex whenever you want.  Also the stir fry at the DC has a lot of MSG.  That combined with the warm Dr. Pepper under your roommate’s bed will spark a chemical reaction that leads to blowing guys named “Big E” or “Scooter”.

High School GF/BF

We get it. You had a connection.. you watched the whole series of the OC together. Bottom line  is that you’ve been dating since you were 16.  Well, now you’re in college and to tell you the truth, there are wayyy hotter peeps out there. AND you don’t have to marry them (Unless you’re reading this from a computer at BYU, then you actually probably do).

The Grenade

Everyone’s gotta take one for the team sometime.  The fat friends are never content to just sit in your living room while you cook yourself some drunk ramen and your roommate takes their friend upstairs to show her his Jack Johnson records.  She’ll get bored (read: hungry) and your boy’s gonna have to take his CD out before “Banana Pancakes” is even over.  So, you’re gonna have to do some entertaining, and possible MO’ing.  One man always has to jump on the grenade to keep it from hitting everyone.  You won’t take it every time, but you will take it.

The Study Buddy

Here’s how this will happen.  It will be late, you’ll be sick of writing your GD Biology Lab and you’ll notice just how good your lab partner looks. It may or may not be the fact that you’re sleep deprived, eight Rock Stars deep and haven’t gotten some action since youporn became a pay site. Bottom line is there are four floors and a shit ton of book shelves.

The Face Book Whore

This person is more notable for what happens post-hookup.  Naturally since you’ve seen this girl naked you’re gonna want to add her as a friend on facebook, chivalry demands it.  Anyway after you add her you’re going to notice that this girl has like 2,000 friends.  Now, being a man you know why you add girls as “friends” on facebook.  This chick gets around.  Every time you see someone poke her you’re gonna kind of freak out.  And then you’re gonna see she’s friends with the whole basketball team and you’re gonna fell a little… actually just little.

The “Oh Shit I Was Jaded By The Summer”

Everybody just looks better tan.  And half naked.  And with no one else around to talk to except the cougars at your work.

Case and point.

The Substitute

Sometimes you have yourself a situation.  This arises when you’ve been going after one person at the bar/club/dance/swap meet all night.  You’ve been chatting them up and having drinks, mentally prepared to consummate the night in the back seat of your Geo.  And then suddenly they’re gone.  Maybe you went to the bathroom? Maybe you stepped out to take a call? Maybe they just saw you in better lighting? Either way they’re gone and now you’re a Stan without a plan (or a Linus with no vaginas).  so what do you do?  Do you give up on the night and go home to slam your head through the wall?  Or, do you continue your plans, but with a new participant?  Enter The Substitute.  Chances are that even if you’ve been going for one target you’ve been aware of the bar’s other possibilities all night.  Maybe it’s the guy who keeps not subtly staring at your chest?  Maybe it’s the girl with the birth mark and the low self-esteem? Trust us when we say you’ll know them when you see them.  Anyway, as you so often do when you’re drunk and residually horny, you make a decision that you otherwise would not.  You settle for less because you’re in a time crunch and quite frankly you don’t care any more.  But don’t look down on The Substitute.  Rather, view them akin to the way you think of  eating 30 Bagel Bites.  In the morning you’re  not gonna feel good about yourself and question some of your decision making processes.  But when you’re eating them drunk at 2:30am on your beanbag?  There’s nothing sweeter.

The Most Passable Person In A Boring Class.

This is a phenomenon much like beer goggles except that it happens before the mid to late afternoon.  When you walk into a class you immediately size up all the talent and see if there’s any girls with a hotness level of Topanga or above.  You’ll categorize them in your head within the first two class periods.  You will have your  “always checkouts”, your “sometimes checkouts – always if showing a lot of boob”, and the “moderate to never checkouts”.  There won’t be a Topanga in every class. in many of them you’ll be left with nothing but D.J. Tanner level girls and broken dreams.  Anyway, you’ll end up hooking up with a girl who might be a gem in your CH discussion, but in the real world she’s just another 6.

The Pi Beta Phi

I think they have to eff like 15 dudes before they can become a full fledged sister.  I think it the same deal  Mohawk Braves have with white man scalps.

The One That Got Away… but you still compare everyone else to them

Listen, we’ve all got this person.  And I believe you. You were meant to be together and if it wasn’t for your serious black tar heroin addiction, you’d still be  feeling each other up in the library.  This is the one person who at the mention of their name, it sends you into a tizzy. And by tizzy, I mean alcoholic rage. But listen, it’s not fair to compare the one that got away to the one you’re dating now.

February Horoscopes

February 8, 2010

February is the month of the Aquarians. Therefore, these horoscopes are going to be right on the nose. Like, I’d take us seriously this time or something will happen to you. We’re just not sure what.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

Hello, beautiful. You know, you look absolutely stunning this whole entire month.

We’re gonna pump our egos a little bit.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Go against the grain, skip the roses and chocolates for Valentine’s Day and instead get her a toupet and an Asian grad student to write her stump speeches for President’s Day.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

If we were to compare your life to a point in the first Bill and Ted movie, we’d say you’re right about to kidnap Abraham Lincoln from his office.  It’s kind of a lull right now but in a little bit you and all your wacky time traveling friends are gonna hit the mall and shit is just gonna go bananas.

ps. if you had a time machine and you use it to bring Abraham Lincoln all the way to 1988 to help with your history report wouldn’t you at least have the decency to give him the heads up on the assassination attempt coming his way in a few months?  It really seems like the least you could do.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Pancreatic.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

If you bet on the Saints this week you’re gonna win huge.  Wait what?  We should’ve remembered to publish this before the Super Bowl.  Dang.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

Just walk around campus listening to “Hot in Herrre” and and “Pimp Juice” on a loop.  Your week will be better.  Like alarmingly so.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

You’re gonna do something very bad and very illegal.  And you’re definitely gonna smell like pumpkins and shame afterwards.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

Be someone other than Lui Kang on Mortal Kombat this weekend.  We’re not impressed that you can shoot a lot of fire balls. It’s forward-forward-high punch, we know, we’ve known since 1991.  Grow up holmes

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

I don’t care what your girlfriend says she’ll let you do after, if you go to “Dear John” you might as well be cutting your penis off and running it up a flag pole for all to see.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

Someone who knows your deepest darkest secret will approach you about it.  You should just come clean and save yourself the embarrassment of a poorly thought out lie.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Awesome Ed Hardy shirt brah.  Also totes diggin’ the spikes up top with the oaks on the beak.  Let’s pump up the Creed and blow this joint.

Aries (March 21-April 19):

Make Saggittarius’ think that you know their deepest secrets.  They will spill everything.  And if we have to tell you to blackmail them after than you need this horoscope more than we imagined.