When you’re a kid and your watching a show, the most romance/lovin’ you ever see is limited to handholding and maybe some kissing.  And this is as it should be, young minds aren’t quite ready to be exposed to the wonders of fornication.  Trust me when I say that a 7th grader’s innocence is shattered the moment his friend shows him a chick bricking in some dude’s mouth online at steak and cheese (remember steak and cheese? No, just me? I was the only one with really pervy friends?).  Anyway we thought we’d go back and take another look at these couples from our youth, to decipher what would have been happening if they had been actual real-world teenagers, and not the abstinent Disney archetypes they were portrayed as.  Their amount of sexin’ will be judged on a scale of 1-5 illegitmate children conceived.

Power Rangers: Tommy/Kimberly – Let’s see, two super hot teenagers (who were actually like 25) that are in great shape, spend 85% of every day together, and constantly go through life threatening situations that bring them closer together.  In the show they would sometimes hold hands and nervously invite each other to Sadie Hawkins dances.  B.S. If this was taking place in the real world you know that every night after saving the city Tommy was balls deep in some Pink Ranger, fogging up the windows in the Dragon Zord cockpit.  Plus look at the Pink Ranger.  She is so hot, Tommy HAD to lock that down.

4 out of  5 illegitimate children.

Power Rangers: Zordon/Alpha 5  – Alpha 5 was soooo gay.  But it kind of makes sense.  Zordon is a giant floating authoritative head, and Alpha 5 is a submissive robot who enjoys being told what to do.  It’s like a craigslist add from hell.  Or space.

0 out of 5 illegitimate kids (because they were both dudes, and either way I don’t think either had any genitalia).

Family Matters: Urkel/Laura – This one I think was less cut and dry. They probably did it once when he was Stephon and now its weird.  He’s desperately in love with her and she’s ashamed and embarrassed.  She probably let him hit that becasue she didn’t assume he would morph back into a nerd with a Scottie Pippen haircut and pants pulled up halfway to his nips the moment they left Orlando (which in fairness to her was a pretty reasonable assumption).

1 out of 5 illegitimate children (because you KNOW Stephon don’t wrap it up.  He wants to feel you girl).

Family Matters

"Did I do thaaaaat?" Yes, You did "do" that. A lot. Especially in your weirdo time machine.

Full House: Danny Tanner/ Uncle Joey – Let’s go down the checklist shall we?  Both were unmarried, had feathered hair, and were raising children together in San Francisco.  Yeah, no red flags there.

1 out of 5 illegitimate children

Lion King: Mufasa/ All them ho’s – Besides Scar and then later Simba there were no other dude lions there.  But there were lots of kids.  Someone had to father these cubs and I think we can all be fairly certain it wasn’t the voodoo monkey or the gay toucan.  And yes that does mean Nala was Simba’s sister.  Sorry for destroying your childhood.

5 out of 5 illegitimate children (although it was probably actually more than 5, and then also a whole bunch of inbred grandkids)

Sesame Street: Ernie/Burt – This one is probably this highest level of debauchery.  And Bert should get a medal for the wild coke fueled orgies that Ernie seemed to be throwing in the tub. What do you think they meant by doing the rubber duck?


Muppets: Gonzo/ Camilla The Chicken – This was probably constant, and probably not consensual.  In a world where almost every animal can talk and wear a suit jacket, Gonzo ended up with a chicken who can’t do anything but cluck.  Yes he claims they have a relationship but is it really consensual? All of the other muppets have the ability to say yes or no like people, so its not as weird when they’re into each other.  From what I can tell Camilla is just a regular chicken.  And she’s probably subject to an unrelenting blue felt weiner pounding every night after Kermit locks up the theater.  And she has no way to stop it.  Because she’s a chicken.

4 out of 5 horrifying, cross species, illegitimate children.

Babar/Miss Babar: Just some hot, nasty elephant sex

No illegitimates, they were married.


Mario Series: Mario/Peach- I will tell you right now that Princess Peach must have got her name from being the best piece of ass in the mushroom kingdom.  Think about what Mario went through for this broad.  Every 2-3 years he would swim through shark infested waters, skip from rock to rock inside of active volcanoes, and ingest huge quantities of mushrooms that couldn’t have been healthy for him.  Oh yeah,  and then he would celebrate it all by fighting a FAMILY OF DINOSAURS.  I have a hard time holding my farts in for my girlfriend.  This level of commitment is unprecedented.

3 out of 5 illegitimate children (though on looks curiously like King Koopa).

Mario Series: Luigi/his hand – went through everything Mario did and got nothing.  He was either jerkin it to images of his brother dying a horrible death or to the vampire page on youporn.

0 out of 5 illegitimate children.

Fresh Prince of Bel Air: Will/whoever he damn well pleased

5 out of 5 illegitimate children, many of whom can Whip their Hair.

Return of The Jedi: Jabba The Hut/Princess Leia – personally this one is the most painful for me.  I don’t think I realized it until I was like 14 or 15, but when I did I was legitimately horrified.  Don’t believed they got it on?  Let’s look at the facts:

  1. Leia woke up next to Jabba wearing nothing but a metal bikini and a look of shame.
  2. Two when he pulls her over to him after he catches her he sticks his tongue out and LICKS HER FACE.  A pre-rape move if I’ve ever seen one.
  3. When given the chance, the normally diplomatic princess Leia grabs her chain and mercilessly chokes him to death.  This strangling sequence takes about a full minute, during which time Jabba’s eyes roll into the back of his head as life slips away from his convulsing body.  This is BY FAR the most gruesome murder in the entire Star Wars saga, and it is fueled by the holy vengeance of a rape victim so we’re all okay with it.

0 out of 5 illegitimate children.  You know Han aborted that shit.

Well, can you say BRRRR?! That’s right. It’s bone chilling temperatures and high winds for us again here in Reno.  With the cold weather comes a few things, snowmen, hot chocolate, people from Vegas freaking out like it’s “The Day After Tomorrow” and a handful of mysterious kids in “pwned noob” t-shirts walking around seemingly oblivious to the fact they have boogers frozen to the sides of their face.  But more importantly than all of these things it’s gonna change the party scene.  These changes are subtle, but they are changes all the same.  And as always, your old buddies at the SpaceSuit feel obliged to help some bruthas out.  So without further merriment, pomp, or ado:

The 15 ways party life changes when the season turns cold.

1. You can no longer be so brazen with your outdoor “only when I’m drunk” cigarette smoking.

2. If outdoors, the Sophie’s choice between wearing a mitten while you drink your beer and potentially having it slip vs. frostbite.

-OR-

The choice is clear

3. It doesn’t really matter what you wear. A really cute dress, new jeans that make your ass look great or the pair of basketball shorts you stole from your last walk of shame. You’re gonna be effin bundled like your life depended on it. Because it does.

4. There is now ice everywhere on the ground, you should probably wear a helmet.

5. There’s going to be a lot of scraggly pirate beards. You know, the ones where all of the parts don’t connect. The younger boys are trying to keep their faces warm, but they don’t yet understand that the unconnected “fuzz islands” look has never got any one laid.

6. Winter always brings way more compromising spend the night situations because you look out side and think “I’m not fucking walking home”

7. Now there’s more opportunities for jokes about the Paul Walker feelgood hit, “Eight Below

he's definitely thinking about how to teach these dogs to tokyo drift

8.Drinking “more” doesn’t always mean it’s going to get warmer. I’m sorry but standing in the Truckee River with no pants will always be freezing.
Until you die.And you will

9. We’re pretty sure glass shatters faster when it’s cold. Uninhabited commercial space downtown.. watch out!

10. It turns into a survivor type situation where you get to watch which determined whore will keep slutting it up with a short dress the furthest into the winter. You may not agree with her actions but dammit you respect her.

11. No more random shirtlessness (unless you’ve really decided to commit)

12. Finally, the cold is on your side. Everyone is much more likely to say yes to “hey, do you guys want to come back with us and check out our hot tub?”

13. Corollary to the previous point: No matter how close their building is to their apartment’s jacuzzi, it will feel 10 times that distance when it’s snowy any you’ve drunkenly elected to make this journey barefoot. Oh, and their key to the gate will never work. Ever.

14. You start gradually depleting your Christmas present funds to buy people shots. Because what are shots but little presents anyway?

15. It’s now wayyyy to cold to hang out at the mostly outdoor freight house district. No more pretending to watch baseball while you get hammered until next year (oh wait, baseball is over? who the hell knew?)

Dear Western Athletic Conference,


Wow, it’s so weird writing your full name like that.  I haven’t called you anything but Westy for the last however many years.  Wow, this is awkward, but I feel like we’ve been growing apart these last two years.  I don’t know if you’ve been getting that vibe too but if not I guess I wouldn’t be too surprised.  I feel like you’re just like, going one way and I’m going the other.  We’re like Kate and Sawyer, oh wait, you wouldn’t get that reference because you wouldn’t watch Lost with me.  You wanted to destroy my soul and speed up the apocalypse by making me watch the f&@$%ing Bad Girls Club with you on Tuesdays.  Why do I have to watch it with you?  I’ll just be in the other room and can come right over if, God forbid, there’s a really scary looking moth or something that I have to kill.  You watch what you want to watch, I’ll watch what I want to watch and we’ll meet at 11 to catch the Daily Show.  It’s the same when you make me hang out and watch Reba with you.  Newsflash, watching Reba marathons on the CW with you is my least favorite activity in the world and I’m 60% sure Reba is either the Anti-Christ or his herald.

Anyway we’re getting off topic here.  What I’m trying to say is it’s not you, it’s me. We’ve been growing apart and I’ve met someone else, their name is Mountain West Conference (MWC) or as I call them… Mounty <3. You planned to take us to cool, exotic places, Mounty actually does it. Now, every other year we’re going to be going to Las Vegas and San Diego.  You know, the places you always said we’d go before you ended up taking us back to Shitville, USA Moscow, Idaho for the 10th year in a row?  It’s just more exciting with Mounty. Call me old fashioned but you really can’t take someone to bowls in Boise that are sponsored by companies no one has ever heard of (how many MPC laptops have you seen popping up around campus?) and expect it to be exciting every time.  Not when the prospect of BCS bowls are right around the corner.


You never wanted to show me off.  I put together really good games to look nice for you.  Remember last year when I scored 70 points on San Jose State?  It was a great game, full of highlights, that I worked my ass off on.  And what recognition did I get?  A five second blurb 58 minutes into the midnight Sports Center?  What is that?  If Utah would have done that last year they would’ve got a full clips package in the first ten minutes with Lou Holtz creaming his pants halfway through and rambling on about how we remind him of his Jonny Unitas and the ‘59 Colts.  I want… no.. I DESERVE that kind of attention!  I try so hard to look good for you and you just don’t even care.

And I really hate your bitchy loser friends.  Half of perception is association.  And the conferences you’re most often compared with are losers like the Big West, Mississippi Valley Conference, and the West Coast Conference.  I cannot come back to the apartment again to find you, the WCC, and that  D-Bag Stevie Yanks stoned, eating dirty nachos off of our 2005 championship banner, and playing NCAA Football on the X-Box and not even playing as me!  Even when I’m in the room!  It’s like you don’t even care!  You want to play with Florida?  Is that what you want?  For me to be one of those slutty schools that pays it players and artificially inflates their grades so they can stay eligible?!? Well news flash Wack-o, Florida is a whore, but it’s a high-class whore who wouldn’t even look at you twice (and don’t pretend you only oogle them when you’re “playing with the fellas”, you know what pops up on your google search bar every time I’m looking for Flo-Rida videos?  “Florida/Alabama double penetration/steam cup”.  First off I’m mortified at what a “steam cup” could possibly be, but secondly at least respect me enough to delete your history! It’s not that hard!). But I digress.

You’re not the hot conference I first got together with.  Remember how hot you were when I first met you at that party?  I was with that loser Big West (although at least they were sweet and I won every year). I mean when I first got here and you, Westy, were supposed to be the up and coming “super conference”… and that was exciting.  But you let yourself go.  All these teams started leaving to go to Conference USA and yes, to Mounty, and you just didn’t care. I thought I was special. We got together because we were two attractive entities who cared about what they looked like and being something people would want.  Well a decade of letting the BYU’s of the world go and instead making Utah State a big part of your diet has taken its toll.  You look like shit.  Seriously, try fitting into the jeans I bought you from the Albuquerque Banana Republic when you got us to the Meth Bowl New Mexico Bowl in 2007, I bet you can’t even get your cottage cheese thighs 2 inches pass the waist.

Also, you're way fatter than you were in Dodge Ball

I was really hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but it has. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m better than you and I’m sorry I’m going to DO SOMETHING with my life. Actually you know what?  I take back what said in the beginning, I think the problem is you.


In the words of Alfalfa, “I hate your stinkin’ guts Darla”

-Nevada

P.S. I’m gonna need my Fraggle Rock sweat shirt back, and make sure you get all those Mac & Cheese stains out of it first.

I had an insightful chat with my brother this morning.  A chat that cut to my very core, and truly showed me how irresponsible I’ve become this summer.  You see we really haven’t written many articles this summer.  We’ve been living foot-loose and fancy free (ie we’ve been drinking heavily), and haven’t found the time to write any articles for our adoring fans (there’s at least 4 of them, maybe 2 if we don’t count ourselves).  You see,  we should have  been writing articles this summer instead of seeing if there was any fun way to blow $5 million bucks on football after we just cut 12 majors due to “underfunding” (which was a total success by the way).
Anyway, to make sure this never happens again, the Nevada SpaceSuit has taken 5 seconds away from watching the video of the gay flight attendant jumping out of the plane while we’re at work to put together this alphabet list of helpful tips to freshmen and upperclassmen who just haven’t learned.  So without further ado, here are 26 ways to put together your class schedule and manage your time now that you’re a big kid.

  1. Don’t schedule any classes at 8am.  Your teachers don’t grade on a “how hungover is this kid?” curve.
  2. If you do have an 8am class, for the love of Kaepernick make sure it’s not a 4 days a week class.  You do that and you’re just asking for your roommate to taunt you with “I didn’t even wake and bake until you were done with Spanish for an hour.  An hour bro”.
  3. Unless you work 40 hours a week, night classes should not be an option. You’ve got babes to swoon and beer to drink. and we’ll guarantee that 95.4% of the time, you won’t even show up.
  4. Take the time to go to welcome week.  In 20 years no one will give a shit what hi-jinks Peter got into on TBS’ re-run of family guy.  But everyone wants to here about that “busting out of her shell” girl from Alaska you hooked up with at the pancake breakfast.
  5. 50 minute classes =  Best.Thing.Ever.  It’s just the right amount to go on youtube without getting bored.
  6. You may not realize it but you’ve been living a lie these last 18 years.  The weekend doesn’t start on Friday, it starts Thursday at about 3:00.  All of the best parties, drink specials, and Greek Balls happen on Thursday nights.  I’m not sure why this is the case, but I’m glad it is. Don’t schedule class on Friday.
  7. And if you do schedule class on Friday it better not be after 10.  Campus turns into a ghost town every week Friday after 12:00.  If you do have a Friday afternoon class it will just be you, a big group of asian kids who are always smoking, and football players wandering around the library trying to figure out how to get out of practice.

    The quad on friday afternoons (for the most realistic listening re-creation, imagine that indian flute noise playing the background as you look at this picture)

  8. If you’re going to rush, take your time to test out all of the frats and let them woo you a little bit.  However, please be aware of the blurry line between wooing, and some brother from SAE trying to put his finger inside you.
  9. Always take time to check out the latest edition of Coffin & Keys.  C&K is just  like the Nevada Space Suit, but with 3 times the same recycled dick jokes and absurd amounts of derogatory comments about women… and almost half the funny.
  10. Don’t believe me? I haven’t seen this edition yet but I can guarantee there will be at least 3 jokes about getting some Baberaham Lincoln and/or phi delt to “slob your knob”
  11. . One out of four freshmen fail out after their first semester.  LEAVE  TIME TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK. I can guarantee you that the fun you’ll have the  four to five years you’re in college will more than make up for you missing the totes rad kegger at the Edge apartments while you studied for your math test. Also, I’m sure you’ll enjoy that 3 million dollars more you’re expected to earn over your lifetime if you finish. P.S. the keggers at the Edge are never that rad.
  12. Freshman year is just the beginning. Usually junior year (20-21, IF YOU STAY ON TRACK) is generally your peak. You’re socially established, you’ve grown into your looks (aka shed the freshman 15) and you’ve mastered the hangover.
  13. The closer you are to being late to your class, the more the shuttle driver will screw around.  The same people who won’t wait 5 seconds for you at 12:45 are feeling easy like a Sunday morning at 12:58.

    Not breaking a lot of land speed records.

  14. Don’t buy the hype, you really only have to do laundry twice a month.  Boxers work just as good inside out.
  15. If you want to get a treadmill at Lombardi don’t go around five.
  16. If you want to see boobie-bouncing city (the best of all cities), only go to Lombardi around five.
  17. All this spare time you have now?  Do something fun or creative with it.  You can play Call Of Duty 2 your whole life.  But only in college can you take a body painting class you find on Craigslist (although don’t actually do that example, going to a body painting class you found on Craigslist sounds like getting the carpool lane to your own murder).
  18. Don’t go to the Overlook around noon if you have somewhere to be in an the next 30 minutes.  Between glut of people trying to get good Chinese food (wayyyy better than Panda express) and the general malaise/third grade level of change counting of the checkout people, it’s gonna take a while to get out of there.
  19. Get your free football and basketball tickets early.  Nothing sucks like having to stand in line (and away from the tailgating area) to pay $5 for a ticket you could’ve got for free if you hadn’t been so busy watch The Price Is Right.
  20. That being said, still take time to watch The Price Is Right.  Ain’t no party like a TPIR party.
  21. If you happen to be drunk somewhere out of Sierra Spirit range.  Wait.  Use this time to wander around, bum some cigs, and catch up on your drunk dials.  The time spent sobering up will be no where near the time of community service you’ll have to do if/when you get a DUI.
  22. The shuttle ride up to the health center is always worth it for the free condoms.  Definitely shorter than a ride to the coat hanger and poison store.
  23. If you spend more than an hour per day thinking about marijuana procurement you’re in big trouble.
  24. Schedule your classes with your friends now.  Chances are you’ll all have different majors and English 102 is going to be your last hurrah before you’re going to have to branch out and start doing group projects with kids who must be here on some sort of retarded kid outreach program for people who don’t do any of the work.
  25. Don’t dedicate to much of your time freshmen year to one boy or girl.  There’s 17,000 people at this school. You’re 18 years old and way to young to be making any kind of commitment now.  Get out there, meet people, befriend someone from another country, hook up with a fat chick, it’s all good baby, you’re in college now, get out of your shell.And P.S. if the boy or girl you’re dedicating all this time to is still in high school… Just stick a butt plug in yourself and change your name to Sapphire. It would be a lot less gay then what you’re doing now.

    Hi, my name is Constance. I want to talk to you about prom committee and ruin your life.

  26. Save up your STD tests for the free testing weeks at the health center.  It’s kind of like cashing in all the points on the mac and cheese boxes all at once.  Except instead of a cheap bike, you get herpes medicine.

You may have heard that Boise State has officially left the WAC.  After next year they will officially become part of the Mountain West Athletic Conference or MWAC (see it’s like WAC except with an extra M on the front, so you know its better).  You might be a little confused by all this, how should you feel?  Happy?  Sad?  A little constipated?  Well fear not intrepid reader, because in the following column the Nevada Space Suit will break down the pros and cons of the BS University and their decision to leave the WAC.

1. We can be King of the WAC

Pro: Not everybody gets this chance, I mean look at The Ohio State. They’ll definitely be National Champions, but WAC champs? No way. They’re so totes jeal.

Con: Being king of the WAC without Boise is like being the smart kid on the short bus.

2. Having one of the most epic games of the season on Thanksgiving weekend was just a pain in the ass

Pro: We no longer have to juggle football and family. For some reason your mom just didn’t understand why “that damn football game” was so important and why you wouldn’t come home to see her. Ya, we’re saying you’re mom is dumb.

Con: Now you’ll have to talk to her.

3. So long, smurf turf.

Pro: I’m pretty sure the paint on it was lead based, which may be why all the Broncos always had those glossy dead eyes and the cheerleaders had that angry caveman look.

Con: I’ll have less occasion to say the word smurf next year, leaving me that much more dead inside.

4. We don’t have to deal with Boise and their disturbingly large pack of traveling fans.

Pro: This suggests that there may not in fact be too much to do in Boise on the weekend. (Or ever). But now we won’t ever have to walk into a packed Mackay Stadium that has more fans cheering for the away team than cheering for the Pack.

Con: We’ll also never get to walk into a packed Mackay Stadium again.

5. We won’t have two rivals anymore

Pro: We can finally put all of our hatred filled energy where it rightfully belongs: slurred drunken put downs solely aimed at those failures at UNLV, who will one day bag my groceries.

Con: There’s a very real danger that Fresno will now become our biggest rival.  We have officially dropped from middle class to white trash.  In dorm terms we’re moving from Nye to Juniper.  Yeah, maybe now you get how serious this is.


Now that we’ve had a good laugh,  I think it might be possible that some of you out there still don’t quite comprehend what this does to Nevada football.  The WAC was like That 70’s Show.  Okay, it wasn’t a huge deal American Idol or 24, but people still knew who we were and thought we were pretty swell guys.

In this analogy the university is Fez, popular, but not Kutcher.  Boise State leaving is like when Eric and Kelso got too big for the show and left in season seven.  UNR, like Fez gets more storylines and is now the main character on the show.  The only problem is no one effing cares about that show anymore.  Let’s be frank, finally scoring with Jackie (winning the WAC title), isn’t quite as impressive when there are only 2 dudes on the show (that being said I would give my left arm to hook up with Jackie Burkhart).

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

We know you’ve been wondering and yes, you will still be “popular” enough  next year to get into the student section at football games even though you don’t go to school anymore. Let go already.


Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Look you’re never gonna be famous.  Save us all the trouble and don’t move to LA for 5 years to “spread your art”.  Just cut out the middle man, apply to be the assistant manager at Chili’s and develop a minor drug problem.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

Well, you’ll gain two things on graduation day. One, is your degree – the other – is a DUI and Mugshot Graduation photo. Thought you were gonna be one of the lucky ones that got  through your whole college experience with out one? Too bad.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

I don’t know.  Captain of a shrimp boat?  Due to the continuing oil spill this is now impossible.  New advice, Become an oil spill insurance salesman.  People are freaked out right now,  strike while the iron is hot.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Graduation will be the hardest for you.  You partied harder and had more fun than the Leos and the Geminis combined.  But every ride has to end sometime.  Have fun adjusting to the real world.  Out there, you’re just another short guy with a liberal arts degree.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

Hellooooo post-college depression.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

A fast paced life of excitement awaits you in marvelous New York City!  There you’ll be living the life, riding the…. ah who are we kidding.  You’re gonna marry your gf, knock her up and stay in Reno.  It’s cool. Maybe when you’re 40 the weather will get nice.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

So you failed accounting?  Well good thing you’re hot and can marry a rich guy.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

You’ll be mauled and eaten by a brood of alligators.  Don’t blame me I’m just the messenger…

Aries (March 21-April 19):

You haven’t found a job yet and you’re certainly not going to find one in the next 3 days.  You’re gonna have to move back home.  Fair warning, hearing your roommate have sex through the wall the last 3 years has not prepared you for hearing your mom give it up to her new boyfriend Stephon.  Fucking Stephon.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

Grad school huh? Just an FYI- not as  drunkenly irresponsible as undergrad.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Scorpio just wants your money but go with it.  She’s hot.

Basketball Players (Jan 1-Dec 31)

Oh wait never mind.  None of you stick around long enough to graduate.  Again have fun in Germany.


Oh and you’ll all get fat.  Congratulations Everybody!

Alot of your friends are done with their finals, but your still here.  Well so are we.  PS how much did that weekend suck studying?  Well if, like us you were studying for financial accounting, it was awful.  To put said awfulness into perspective, here’s a list of things you could’ve done this weekend that would NOT have been as bad as studying.  Enjoy (if you’re still capable of such an emotion).

1.         Putting off studying for your finals.  You know, like last weekend.

2.         Feel what its like to have your soul slowly die (oh wait that actually happened, nev mind).

3.         Leaving school a year too early, not getting drafted and spending the next 15 years playing for 30,000 Euros a year on some weirdo German basketball club.  Gutentagg err Luke.

4.         Suffering through “The Backup Plan” with your Mom on Mother’s Day when you know if you were sitting 100 feet to your left you could be watching Iron Man 2. Spoiler Alert on The Backup Plan, J-Lo and the random guy overcome her pregnancy and end up together in the end.  Spoiler Alert 2: J-Lo falls down in front of the guy and its so totally embarrassing and hilarious.

5.         Getting 3 pages of your Econ term paper typed on the Knowledge Center computer when it suddenly shuts off because its midnight (even though its open until 2:00am) and getting the opportunity to start all over again.

6.         Triple bypass surgery

7.         Accidentally wandering into Lawrence Taylor’s hotel room.

8.         If you hadn’t remembered that the whole reason you came to Wal-Mart on Saturday was to get Plan-B.  You would’ve walked out with 6 pairs of socks, a national enquirer, and a new responsibility.

9.         Being a student at UNLV for up to 10 minutes (but only if it was during Summer and you were back home.  And only if your parents live in a mansion).

10.       Literally anything else not named above.

Hey.  How ya doin?  Oh what you’re just chilling in the library right now studying for some final and doing all the homeworks you put off doing this semester b/c you were too busy playing Words With Friends? Yeah, us too.  The Library is a fickle place come finals time.  Theoretically it is the best place to get work done, but realistically everyone is there and it’s kind of a marvy scene.  Fun fact: during finals, the Knowledge center becomes one of the 10 most populous cities in Nevada.  Move over Goldfield.  Anyway, to commemorate this time-honored struggle that takes place between studying and procrastination that takes place here every spring, The Nevada SpaceSuit presents to you: The Things You Did In The Library  Today When You Should Have Been Studying.

1.  Spent 20-30 minutes getting “situated” and “ready to study” (BS by the way, we both know you could’ve started right away and actually got something done before 11:00).

2. Saw someone you haven’t seen in forever one floor up. Thought about going to say hi, decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

3. Watched people out that window for no less than 13 minutes. Hopefully you were making up their conversations in your head.

4. Spent way too much thought trying to figure out how bad for you those Funyuns were before finally deciding they could be 1,000 calories each and you still would take it over the salad in the weirdo coffee shop in the Library.  From there you’ll ponder further and wonder why the university decided to put its only two decent coffee shops within 50 feet of each other.  Solid business model there guys, it’s so weird we’re losing money….



5. Watched a group of 6 huge football players take a lap of every floor, talk to everyone they know, and then leave.

6. Every quiz ever on Facebook. And 3-4 tweets every 20 minutes about how #finalzsux

7. Played the eye contact game with the cute girl three tables away. Eventually you made eye contact too many times and it crossed the line from flirty to rapester-y.

8. Make a fort out of binders, folders and texts books

9. Think about just walking out right now, leaving your books. Try to convince yourself how much you would really like life as a trucker.

10. Wish you weren’t so hungover from  cinco de mayo.

11. Trying to figure out why Colin Kaepernick STILL hasn’t called. That vision board sucks.

BETRAYAL!!!!


12. Thinking how cool it’d be if you had that remote from “Click” so you could just fast forward the next 7 days.

13. Not really. Why don’t you just fast forward through your whole college career while you’re at it.

14. Got to the end of the latest NSS article and think two things: 1. Wow, they actually made it 300 words without making a Home Alone 2: Lost In New York Joke.  And 2. Well that could have been funnier, good thing this ish is free. Merry Studies you filthy animal (ratta-tat-tat).

The weekend is fast approaching and it is party time.  We’re now on the RIGHT side of Spring Break and midterms and the weather is getting warm.  Velcro your shoes boys and girls, it’s party season.  There is no better time to go out and cruise the bars with your best mates than spring.  School’s almost out, people aren’t wearing winter coats to The Break, and bros from Sig Ep can get excited that the kids from the Davidson Academy are one year closer to finally being legal.

Spring is here, you have to go out.  But when you do, make sure you do it with the right crew.  The best number of people for a crew, like wife swapping and bobsledding, is four.  Four gives you all the benefits of a big group with the flexibility of a small one.  There are enough people that you probably won’t end up in a fight, but there are few enough people that you probably won’t cause one either.  You can split into pairs so no one is left out and you can also employ the buddy system. Note that this team only applies to the fellas.  Our roster for the ladies team will be coming soon.

The Dream Team

The Wildcard: This is the guy that makes the night, without him there you might as well be sitting at home looking for something on Chat Roulette that’s not a 15 year old girl or a guy’s curiously shaped dong, plowing through a bag of Cheetos Puffs.  He’s the one that has little to no inhibition and has a 50-50 shot of ending his night in the party hall of fame or the jail on Parr blvd.

The Vinny Chase: Just like Vince from Entourage, this is the superstar of your team.  He’s so cool that his peripheral handsomeness can get guys like Turtle and Jonny Drama laid on a fairly consistent basis.  Chances are he also writes some kind of really sensitive poetry and plays the guitar or something.  Girls love this guy, and if he wasn’t your friend, you would hate him.  He’s one of those dudes who definitely would have been like the preppy villain in a movie from the 80’s movie.  However, as long as you’re not Anthony Micheal Hall or the Karate Kid this really isn’t so bad.  One of the unfortunate things about bringing the Vinny Chase along is that you know he’s always going to go for the hottest girl.  In a group that’s like the Spice Girls, where they’re all babes, this isn’t so much of a problem.  However if you happen to be hanging out with more of a Brady Bunch type group, with a clear Marsha and then some Jan’s, chances are you’re settling that night.  While the Vinny Chase can be a double edged sword, in the end he is always worth it to have around.  Especially if he can introduce you to a 5’5″ wise crackin’ agent who takes no prisoners but is always in to hug it out (bitch).

Yellow Pages: This guy not only knows everybody, but he knows what they’re doing too.  If you ever need something to go just ask yellow pages, he’ll have two house parties and a VIP section lined up before you finish asking him.  Yellow Pages has procured this impressive list of numbers in a few ways.  Firstly, he never deletes anyone, because you never know when you’re gonna be in a tight spot and the only way out is your chem lab partner from 5 semesters ago.  Secondly, even though he’s a fifth year senior he’s some how manage to only ever take lecture classes.  He posts up at the back of the class and grades himself on how many numbers he gets, not how many test questions he gets right.

The Hammer:  Here we have the tough guy of the crew.  He is the biggest of your friends and can probably drink everyone under the table.  If you’re a dude never underestimate the power of having a really huge guy with you who can come up and say “is their a problem here?”.  This will stop a lot of fights before they even start.  And let’s be real, there’s gonna be a night when you need someone to pick you up from under one of the benches at Pub n’ Sub and put you in the back seat.  Who besides The Hammer is going to help you out in that situation? Because I can guarantee you it won’t be the bouncer at Imperial, he only uses his massive forearms to push you out the door and on to the side walk.

You: Hopefully are one of the four above, if not cut somebody.  Just make sure it’s not the hammer, because he looks like Thor and will break you like Ivan Drago.

The alternates

The Dream Team isn’t always available, at some point everyone has to go to a Robert Pattinson movie with their girlfriend or go have a circle jerk with the rest of Coffin and Keys in a grave yard.  But luckily, there are acceptable alternates:

The Leader of Men: We all have friends like this.  They think they’re the alpha male and they want everyone to know it.  They yell out proclamations like “This is the most EPIC night of all time”.  And, “It’s past midnight on a Thursday, call me a taxi so we can get the hell out of the Break.  To the Wal!  He’s also gonna make you shoot whiskey at some point so look alive!

Mr. “I’m Down”: No matter what you propose, this guy will answer with “I’m Down”.  He’s just up for anything.  Don’t underestimate the value of the guy who is just as likely to be your wingman on a late night booty call as he is to wait with you in the McDonald’s parking lot until 5am when they start serving breakfast.

The Guy With The Great Ideas: For some reason this guy is always thinking outside of the box.  The average person, when a little buzzed and heading home, will ask whoever’s driving them to take them to Jack in the Box or something.  This isn’t good enough for great ideas guy.  He’ll always have a much better idea like going to the Peppermill for $5 Omlettes, going to the GSR for some drunken laser tag (which btw, is was underrated as an activity),  or getting a 12 pack, rallying, and getting some skateboards to luge down Sierra Street with.  You don’t know how he comes up with these plans but you don’t care, all that matters is that they’re always awesome.

Don't underestimate how much better this will look to you at 2:30 tonight when you're a little sauced

The Guy Who Snuck Away From His GF:  This is your buddy from awhile ago who’s been in a relationship FOREVER.  He’s constantly saying he’s going to meet up with you but then at the last second has to cancel to go to his gf’s cousin’s violin recital or some other queer thing like that.  Well he’s finally able to get out and while the cat’s away the mice will do a couple lines and streak down 9th Street.  Just remember to go along with his “we went to see Kick-Ass” alibi anytime his old lady asks you about what you guys did.

Who you don’t want:

Stay away from these jokers like you stay away from anything above math 181.  They will not enhance you’re night, they will only make it worse.  Yeah sometimes they can deviate from the norm and have a good night, but doesn’t mean anything.  Kate Hudson was in “Almost Famous”, but that doesn’t mean she’s generally in good movies.  Sometimes in life its just better to say no.  Well its ALWAYS  best to say no to these guys:

Mr. I Don’t know my limits: Some people just can’t handle alcohol. Unfortunately not everyone has realized this yet.  This guy starts out fun, but then ends up throwing down a handle and totally makes an ass of himself all night.  And by ass we mean he’s gonna throw up in your car and maybe kick out a juke box.

The Al Capone: Wants to commit crimes.  We don’t what this bro’s problem is but he always wants to do some crazy shit like steal from 7-11 or jump some kids who gave him the awkward eye at a red light.  He’s a loose cannon.  Good in a fight, but not when you’re trying to avoid one.

The Guy From Elko: It’s all in the title really.

Ben Rothleisberger:  Some guys just don’t realize no means no.  What’s funny is the odds are that this guy will actually physically resemble the actual big Ben.  Kind of pudgy, goatee/chin beard, backwards hat, and a cock that just doesn’t take no for an answer. (PS is it funny that everyone was so surprised about Ben Rothleisberger even though he dresses and acts like a 6th year frat dude?).  Anyway, if you don’t want to end up having to appear in court in a couple of months, its best to leave this guy back at the house.

The One Who Brings His Girlfriend: He’ll insist that she’s cool.  That she’s just like one of the guys and you’ll totally be able to do all the same things you would do if she wasn’t there.  Unless she’s cool with going to a strip club and then is physically able to swiftly jump fences as you run away because the Wildcard was buying dances with monopoly money, than this is not true.  Girlfriends have a time and a place but guy’s night out is not one of them.  You wouldn’t bring a knife to a gun fight and you sure as hell shouldn’t bring a lady to a Fella’s Friday.

Anyone under a 6 who’s also not funny: Brings the whole team down.  he’s the anti-Vinny Chase.  You’re better than that.

Ed Hardy:  Wears exclusively Ed Hardy, maybe even has some of the Ed Hardy decals or air fresheners that they sell at Wal-Mart.  His hair will be gelled into helmet like fashion, likely in some sort of faux-hawk or spike arrangement.  He will smell like a mixture of Josh Hartnett cologne, sweat (from dancing with the mad honeys), and Zima.  Beer belly or not, his shirt is a level of tightness that leads many to wonder if its really a shirt or if he just painted his body black and then stuck on a sticker of a tiger jumping out of a rose or something (although the sleeves of this shirt will never go low enough to cover his Chinese symbol tattoo that means “ferocity”  or “strength” or “let me fuck with this white guy who doesn’t know Chinese”).  Reno is full of these so they can be hard to avoid.  Just know that if one of your friends spends more than 3 minutes on their hair, or won’t shut up about their Real World video that they just submitted, you should probably not ever tell him where you’re really going.

the height of Ed Hardy's guy's fashion

A. We took 3 weeks off to honor the 2043rd anniversary of the death of Julius Caesar on the Ides of March

B. Kicked in the juke box at the Wal and have been working two jobs to pay it off.

C.  Following my father’s diary in a quest for the Holy Grail with my friends Salah and Marcus.

D. I had custody of my 3 illegitimate children.

E.  Caring way too much about the ASUN election.

F. Chat Roulette.

G. We were detained in Cancun for charges we can’t legally mention without an attorney present.

H. Following the Nevada Basketball team in all of their post season endeavors.  Oh wait, that was over two weeks ago…never mind.

I. Carefully analyzing health care reform.  Wait you see through my lies?  Ok I found my old Sega Genesis and got really lost in Sonic 2.

J. Building a vision board so that Colin Kaepernick will talk to me JUST ONCE

K. Going through every possible 775 number and texting “Hey Kap”.  I’m going to get the right one eventually. Yes, two devoted to my love of Kap.

L.  Rehab.

M. Spending my time as the only white kid in “The Center”

N. Because we’re lazy and we didn’t want to do it.  What are you gonna stop paying us to entertain you?

O. Following Justin Beiber around America. Hellooooo Beiber Fever.

P. Crying about Reno’s crazy weather patterns on my FB page. Oh wait, that was you. And it’s really annoying.  SO STOP.

R.  Busy getting sexually assaulted by Ben Rothlesberger

S. Longest. Pee. Ever

T. Storing up on Peeps and Shamrock Shakes. Those bitches are only come around once a year.

U.  Using Foursquare to become the mayor of the Wal.

V. Non-stop push ups.  I’m now the butchiest girl on campus.

W. Ummm…. would I lose all my street cred if I said homework?

X. Getting all my eating in.  If I wanna be skinny by summer the anorexia has to start now.

Y. Waxing this guy’s counters and painting his fences.  I know it seems like a waste of a month, but if it really does help me take down those mother fuckers at Cobra Chai it will all be worth it.

Z. Marathoning the first 6 seasons of Full House.  And if that’s a crime you can call me a violent repeat offender.

Valentine’s Day is swiftly approaching so we here at the SpaceSuit offices thought we should address the topic of love.  One of the things that makes college so magical is the possibility of meeting your future spouse in your poli sci class or over an orange kool-aid post-orgy.  However, no one just walks into the one they want to spend the rest of their life with, and the people who do well we hope you divorce each other. For everybody else who’s love life isn’t like as straight forward as a fortune cookie …. You’ve gotta drink a lot of vodka and you have to date a lot of people.  Here to help you see who some of these lucky individuals are gonna be, here’s a list of the people you WILL hookup with in college.

The Drunken Mystery

Did we? didn’t we? I can’t tell.  All you know for sure is that you can’t find your panties and that in and of itself is a problem. This probably happened before you realized pouring Crystal Light in your Vod isn’t the same as using a mixer and you had a bit too much to drink (or it could also be the night you found out the Cue and Cushion will give you 10 beers for $1 on Mondays, the choice, as Olmec from Legends of The Hidden Temple would tell you, “Is yours and yours alone”).  Anyway you’ll end up hooking up with someone that night, and then totes not remembering it at all the next morning.  You’ll hear stories about this person from your friends.  Sometimes they’re good, sometimes they’re bad; either way your mind will never be totally at ease until you figure out who it was.  Every time you pass a hottie you’ll hope it was them, and every time you pass someone who looks like they would be more at home in the Death Star’s trash compactor room you’ll shudder and remind yourself that you really do need to get up to the health center for that gonorrhea test.  Although we will say that the process of elimination on figuring out who it was is just thrilling.  It’s like playing a real-life version of “Guess Who”.

The Dorm Buddy

When you’re a freshman, pretty much anyone is hot. You know why? Because you can have sex whenever you want.  Also the stir fry at the DC has a lot of MSG.  That combined with the warm Dr. Pepper under your roommate’s bed will spark a chemical reaction that leads to blowing guys named “Big E” or “Scooter”.

High School GF/BF

We get it. You had a connection.. you watched the whole series of the OC together. Bottom line  is that you’ve been dating since you were 16.  Well, now you’re in college and to tell you the truth, there are wayyy hotter peeps out there. AND you don’t have to marry them (Unless you’re reading this from a computer at BYU, then you actually probably do).

The Grenade

Everyone’s gotta take one for the team sometime.  The fat friends are never content to just sit in your living room while you cook yourself some drunk ramen and your roommate takes their friend upstairs to show her his Jack Johnson records.  She’ll get bored (read: hungry) and your boy’s gonna have to take his CD out before “Banana Pancakes” is even over.  So, you’re gonna have to do some entertaining, and possible MO’ing.  One man always has to jump on the grenade to keep it from hitting everyone.  You won’t take it every time, but you will take it.

The Study Buddy

Here’s how this will happen.  It will be late, you’ll be sick of writing your GD Biology Lab and you’ll notice just how good your lab partner looks. It may or may not be the fact that you’re sleep deprived, eight Rock Stars deep and haven’t gotten some action since youporn became a pay site. Bottom line is there are four floors and a shit ton of book shelves.

The Face Book Whore

This person is more notable for what happens post-hookup.  Naturally since you’ve seen this girl naked you’re gonna want to add her as a friend on facebook, chivalry demands it.  Anyway after you add her you’re going to notice that this girl has like 2,000 friends.  Now, being a man you know why you add girls as “friends” on facebook.  This chick gets around.  Every time you see someone poke her you’re gonna kind of freak out.  And then you’re gonna see she’s friends with the whole basketball team and you’re gonna fell a little… actually just little.

The “Oh Shit I Was Jaded By The Summer”

Everybody just looks better tan.  And half naked.  And with no one else around to talk to except the cougars at your work.

Case and point.

The Substitute

Sometimes you have yourself a situation.  This arises when you’ve been going after one person at the bar/club/dance/swap meet all night.  You’ve been chatting them up and having drinks, mentally prepared to consummate the night in the back seat of your Geo.  And then suddenly they’re gone.  Maybe you went to the bathroom? Maybe you stepped out to take a call? Maybe they just saw you in better lighting? Either way they’re gone and now you’re a Stan without a plan (or a Linus with no vaginas).  so what do you do?  Do you give up on the night and go home to slam your head through the wall?  Or, do you continue your plans, but with a new participant?  Enter The Substitute.  Chances are that even if you’ve been going for one target you’ve been aware of the bar’s other possibilities all night.  Maybe it’s the guy who keeps not subtly staring at your chest?  Maybe it’s the girl with the birth mark and the low self-esteem? Trust us when we say you’ll know them when you see them.  Anyway, as you so often do when you’re drunk and residually horny, you make a decision that you otherwise would not.  You settle for less because you’re in a time crunch and quite frankly you don’t care any more.  But don’t look down on The Substitute.  Rather, view them akin to the way you think of  eating 30 Bagel Bites.  In the morning you’re  not gonna feel good about yourself and question some of your decision making processes.  But when you’re eating them drunk at 2:30am on your beanbag?  There’s nothing sweeter.

The Most Passable Person In A Boring Class.

This is a phenomenon much like beer goggles except that it happens before the mid to late afternoon.  When you walk into a class you immediately size up all the talent and see if there’s any girls with a hotness level of Topanga or above.  You’ll categorize them in your head within the first two class periods.  You will have your  “always checkouts”, your “sometimes checkouts – always if showing a lot of boob”, and the “moderate to never checkouts”.  There won’t be a Topanga in every class. in many of them you’ll be left with nothing but D.J. Tanner level girls and broken dreams.  Anyway, you’ll end up hooking up with a girl who might be a gem in your CH discussion, but in the real world she’s just another 6.

The Pi Beta Phi

I think they have to eff like 15 dudes before they can become a full fledged sister.  I think it the same deal  Mohawk Braves have with white man scalps.

The One That Got Away… but you still compare everyone else to them

Listen, we’ve all got this person.  And I believe you. You were meant to be together and if it wasn’t for your serious black tar heroin addiction, you’d still be  feeling each other up in the library.  This is the one person who at the mention of their name, it sends you into a tizzy. And by tizzy, I mean alcoholic rage. But listen, it’s not fair to compare the one that got away to the one you’re dating now.

It’s the first day of school and there’s things to be done.  If you don’t get all the things done you need to now before homework and CH induced apathy, you never will.  So here the Nevada Space Suit presents your guide to the first day of school.

Happy to be here

1.  Take something for your hangover and be thankful you’re not some naive freshmen who thinks they should take 8 o’clock classes anymore.

2. Shave, have some self respect you scruffy bastard.

3. You’re also probably gonna want to switch from last month’s schedule of changing your underwear every five days to a more respectable 2 day chones max.

4. Don’t feel like you have to take all your old notebooks out of your backpack just b/c its a new semester, there’s still at least 15 pages left in the back of the yellow one.

5. Hit Trojes.  Going here every day will remind you why its worth it to be a Finance Major.

6. See a kid from your accounting class last semester who you don’t really know but recognize.  Make eye contact and realize they also recognize you but are unsure of how to handle this situation.  Pretend you’re getting a call and look down at your phone.

7. Go to Lombardi and burn off the all the fat that accumulated while you were playing Dragon Age and eating Cheetos with your boy Keith.  You already didn’t go the whole year without drunk dialing an ex, lose some weight and keep at least one of those New Year’s resolutions dammit.  Also, for the first two week that place is hot chicks on elliptical machines city, enjoy it while it lasts.

8. Freshmen, stay with your girlfriend.  This isn’t like the beginning of fall semester where a halter top parade marches through the quad every day.  Stay the course and wait it out until you end up making out with some chick from Wisconsin in a Cabana at Spring Break (more on girls and how the state they are from corresponds with their level of sluttiness on Spring Break coming at a future date).

9.  If by chance, you wrote a mean letter to Vai Taua that was seen by 500 people, and he DIDN’T end up leaving school, avoid him like the effing plague.  You can’t out run him so you’ll probably need to hide.  We suggest the Library.

10.  Make a first day of school playlist.  If you’re doing it right here are the tracks you should have:

  • OMC “How Bizarre”
  • Kesha “Tic Toc” (ps put it on now, b/c in three weeks this’ll be all the way played out, unless its the remix w/Pitbull, then you have like 2 more months.)
  • Electric SweaterVest Experience “January IS Sex Month”
  • Harry Potter Soundtrack “Theme Song From the Half Blood Prince” (watch UNR become Hogwarts before your muggle eyes.  Start with Glick as Dumbledore and it all just flows from there.
  • “Somebody’s Watching Me (Geico Remix)” 
  • The rest is up to you, we can’t all have the same playlist or it’ll turn into “1984” choose your own wild card.

11. Don’t be that prick who raises his hand every ten minutes on the first day.  Nobody likes that guy. Instead be the chick who’s thong hangs way out of her pants  in the front row, everybody loves her.