Alright people we’re almost live!  The game is in less than 4 days away and pretty soon Nevada students are going to start taking off work and skipping Friday class en masse to get down to Las Vegas for what is the most guaranteed victory since the state championship game at the end of Remember The Titans (C’mon, after all the breaking down of racial barriers and group motown singing they did there was no way Disney was going to let them lose to the racist team that didn’t have a movie star for a coach).

Anyway, most of these Nevada students, lacking the means required to take a plane down or the magic required to take a boat, will be traveling the 469 miles by motorcar. Now don’t get us wrong, we appreciate the state of Nevada and it’s majestic beauty and all that crap.  But driving through 500 miles of it is the most mind numbing thing on the planet (take it from a guy who did the drive solo with a broken CD player and no iPod.  And if you’re like “well at least you had the radio”, no.  Surprisingly no one is broadcasting to the burgeoning “100 mile wasteland between Hawthorne and Tonopah” market).  Anyway, to help you have a better time on your 7 hour slog through the abyss, here is a drinking game you can play to pass the time (as always, The Nevada SpaceSuit does not advocate drinking and driving, this game is for the people in passenger and back seats, and if they’re still alive, the people in your trunk.)

Take a sip when:

  • You go by an abandoned building.
  • One sip for every meth addled squatter that you think is living in that building.  And siamese mutant babies DO count as two separate sips.

The mayor and vice mayor of the hill people living in the Goldfield Hotel

  • Someone farts.  Look, you’re spending 7 hours in a cramped space with 1-4 other humans.  And, after everything you ate at the McDonald’s in Tonopah, it’s going to happen.  You might as well make a game out of it (also if you want to “ice” the offending party that’s a judgement call).
  • When some butthole drives slow but then when you try to pass him speeds up so he stays in front of you and then slows down again when you get back behind him (because apparently if he stays in front of you he wins?  Hey shit mouth, there’s no points for getting there first, this isn’t “Rat Race”, you won’t get a train station locker full of money for early arrival, and Cuba Gooding Jr. probably won’t even be there…. Though he might be, I think Cuba’s available).  Anyway, throw your empties at this d-bag.
  • Anytime someone in the car falls asleep.  Also it’s okay to take the rest of their drink, it’s the law of the jungle (as old and as true as the sky….).

Big drink when:

  • You pass a brothel.  Two if it’s the Shady Lady.
  • You see the signs between Goldfield and Beatty for all that weird kind of ostrich and raccoon jerky.
  • When you come to the realization that there’s a 50% chance all of that exotic jerky is made from hitch hikers.
  • When you inevitably shudder about all of the lobster eateries in Mina Nevada (spoiler alert, those lobsters were caught at least 6 weeks ago).
  • You roll down the windows in Fallon and it smells like anything besides weed farms or manure (or hopelessness).
  • When you finally get pass Walker Lake.  It takes forever.  Literally, chances are if didn’t shave when you started going by it, you better be wearing long pants because by the time you pass it your legs will look like Nick Nolte’s mug shot.

And this isn't even addresing what your pube situation will be.

  • You pass another car on the road that has people with Nevada gear in it.  Roll down your window and offer them a cheers as you pass by (note: be sure they are really Nevada people.  Our school wears the same color shirts as most cops.  Tread carefully).

Chug When:

  • Whenever you think about how terrible your life would be if your car broke down in an area with no cell reception.  How long do you think it takes Triple A to get to Luning, NV?
  • Whenever you’re not going at least 25 above the “speed limit”.
  • You get gas in Tonopah (and if there’s any other Nevada fans there offer to trade a few beverages between your parties.  Trust us they’ll be as sick of their  30 Stones as you are of your PBR).
  • The highway finally goes back to 4 lanes and you’re no longer inches from death on either side.
  • One of your friends say they wouldn’t mind living in one of those random, lone, desert shanties (this is to prepare you for fighting them off, because they are 100% for sure a serial killer.)
  • Every time you see a black person (not counting people in your own car.  Or as we discussed earlier, Cuba Gooding Jr).

Long time friend of the Wolf Pack

  • You see the giant shaft of light emanating from Vegas.  Ending the the desolation and preventing everyone in the car from slipping further into madness.

We know it’s Rivalry Week here at the University of Nevada and we clearly know what’s gonna happen on Saturday when we play beat the shit out of UNLV. And they’re probably really bummed about it because A. they know they’re going to lose B. We’re now ranked in the top 25 IN THE NATION. We can’t all be winners, but we’re glad we are. So, to make the ugly stepchild down south feel better, here’s a list of the things they’re in the top 25 for.

Seeeeee Yaaaaaaaaaaa

  • Clogged toilets in sororities (they claim it’s from Roberta’s Tacos but we’re pretty sure its the binge eating they all do after UNLV’s academic rankings come out).
  • Heroine usage on a college campus
  • Sales of Insane Clown Posse records per capita
  • Number of D-Bags that still quote Borat
  • Collegiate Greek Communities acting as petri dishes for the development and mutation of fun new STD’s
  • Laptops turned into the student tech center with hard drive failures directly related to Anime Porn
  • People who think the civil war isn’t over and that it’s “just half time” (don’t believe us? Check the mascot)
  • Clearly pro slavery

  • Most joint cases of auto-erotic asphyxiation and glue huffing
  • College Girls that think they’re hot, but they’re really just whores (note from male staff writer: those two things don’t always have to be mutually exclusive) (note from female staff writer: you’re gross)
  • Largest amount of “Mistake” tattoos.
  • Highest percent of student population who identify themselves as “attending their backup school”.
  • Major school in close geographic proximity to where Colin Kaepernick went to high school that didn’t offer him a scholarship.
  • Percentage of female students whose new “cover-up makeup” may actually be the beginning stages of jaundice
  • Largest amount of babies born abandoned in trashcans
  • Highest number of convicted pedophiles on one campus
  • Most number of Students who are Team Jacob
  • Most number of students who care about that
  • Percent of male student body who own at least 2 wigs
  • Stretch marks per square inch of sorority girl
  • That's at least a 7 down there

  • Future welfare recipients
  • Worst places to go to college
  • Least beautiful campus in America
  • Highest disparity between coolness of the campus and to the city it is in
  • Largest “Students for Sharon Angle” group in the world

And last, but not least….

  • Best place to take a roadtrip to when you know your school’s football team is going to abuse them like Lindsey Lohan abuses cocaine.

If any of you have been to any Nevada football games this year, you probably noticed two things.  One, at $7.50/beer the university is basically asking you to sneak in a flask.  And Two, Colin Kaepernick is a man among boys out there.  He truly is becoming a Wolf Pack legend.  But did you know oh unlearned one, that there is much more to young Colin than his dominance at the pigskin?  Read on dear friend, as the Nevada SpaceSuit educates you on the subject of #10, with part two of out Kaep facts.

  1. You can get pregnant just by reading about him.  Raise the child to be a masculine child.
  2. Would throw touchdowns to himself if it was allowed.
  3. When he was a kid, his dad didn’t take him fishing, they went lion-ing.  And yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like.  They killed lions.
  4. He is going to win the Heisman.
  5. Kaep, not Michael Jordan, was actually Bugs Bunny’s first choice to help defeat the Mon-Stars in “Space Jam”.
  6. He’s an unlockable character on Mortal Kombat 2.
  7. He doesn’t know it yet, but we’re getting married.
  8. The Warren G. and Nate Dogg hit “Regulators” is actually a detailed account of Kaep’s first day of fourth grade.
  9. The original design for Optimus Prime called for him to transform into not a truck, but into Colin Kaepernick.
  10. He cannot tell a lie.
  11. The military doesn’t actually have smart homing missile technology.  It just seems that way because they have Kaep throwing all their bombs.
  12. He knows every secret handshake.
  13. The man doesn’t even drive to school.  It’s faster when he sprints.
  14. He didn’t ever have to use a slammer in pogs.  He smacked those little novelty disc-shaped bitches with his mind.
  15. If Kaep were Harry Potter, he totally would’ve been getting it on with Hermione since at least the third movie.  Although there wouldn’t have been a third movie because Kaep would’ve just killed Voldemort when he was like six or seven.
  16. Just looking at Kaepernick is what turned Lindsay Lohan straight again.
  17. He was in the first draft of “The Expendables”, but had to be written out when he made everyone else appear too effeminate.
  18. He also invented iPod nano’s by squishing his first iPod between his pecs.
  19. He possesses a real ocarina of time.  And a bad-ass double sided light saber.  And a Delorean that travels through time.
  20. He’s just unbelievable at “Words With Friends”.
  21. He could kick Kellen Moore’s ass.

    This joker? Kaep could do it one handed

  22. If he were blue he would look surprisingly like an Avatar.
  23. He would be the best player on the Nevada baseball team.  If any one gave a shit about baseball anyway.
  24. He has more real friends than you have Facebook friends.
  25. He is probably a member of the Men In Black.  Remember that.  Just in case we ever face to face and make contact.
  26. Based on his arm strength and lithe build we’re just going to go ahead and assume he killed everyone at “butt’s up” in elementary school.