We know it’s Rivalry Week here at the University of Nevada and we clearly know what’s gonna happen on Saturday when we play beat the shit out of UNLV. And they’re probably really bummed about it because A. they know they’re going to lose B. We’re now ranked in the top 25 IN THE NATION. We can’t all be winners, but we’re glad we are. So, to make the ugly stepchild down south feel better, here’s a list of the things they’re in the top 25 for.

Seeeeee Yaaaaaaaaaaa

  • Clogged toilets in sororities (they claim it’s from Roberta’s Tacos but we’re pretty sure its the binge eating they all do after UNLV’s academic rankings come out).
  • Heroine usage on a college campus
  • Sales of Insane Clown Posse records per capita
  • Number of D-Bags that still quote Borat
  • Collegiate Greek Communities acting as petri dishes for the development and mutation of fun new STD’s
  • Laptops turned into the student tech center with hard drive failures directly related to Anime Porn
  • People who think the civil war isn’t over and that it’s “just half time” (don’t believe us? Check the mascot)
  • Clearly pro slavery

  • Most joint cases of auto-erotic asphyxiation and glue huffing
  • College Girls that think they’re hot, but they’re really just whores (note from male staff writer: those two things don’t always have to be mutually exclusive) (note from female staff writer: you’re gross)
  • Largest amount of “Mistake” tattoos.
  • Highest percent of student population who identify themselves as “attending their backup school”.
  • Major school in close geographic proximity to where Colin Kaepernick went to high school that didn’t offer him a scholarship.
  • Percentage of female students whose new “cover-up makeup” may actually be the beginning stages of jaundice
  • Largest amount of babies born abandoned in trashcans
  • Highest number of convicted pedophiles on one campus
  • Most number of Students who are Team Jacob
  • Most number of students who care about that
  • Percent of male student body who own at least 2 wigs
  • Stretch marks per square inch of sorority girl
  • That's at least a 7 down there

  • Future welfare recipients
  • Worst places to go to college
  • Least beautiful campus in America
  • Highest disparity between coolness of the campus and to the city it is in
  • Largest “Students for Sharon Angle” group in the world

And last, but not least….

  • Best place to take a roadtrip to when you know your school’s football team is going to abuse them like Lindsey Lohan abuses cocaine.

If any of you have been to any Nevada football games this year, you probably noticed two things.  One, at $7.50/beer the university is basically asking you to sneak in a flask.  And Two, Colin Kaepernick is a man among boys out there.  He truly is becoming a Wolf Pack legend.  But did you know oh unlearned one, that there is much more to young Colin than his dominance at the pigskin?  Read on dear friend, as the Nevada SpaceSuit educates you on the subject of #10, with part two of out Kaep facts.

  1. You can get pregnant just by reading about him.  Raise the child to be a masculine child.
  2. Would throw touchdowns to himself if it was allowed.
  3. When he was a kid, his dad didn’t take him fishing, they went lion-ing.  And yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like.  They killed lions.
  4. He is going to win the Heisman.
  5. Kaep, not Michael Jordan, was actually Bugs Bunny’s first choice to help defeat the Mon-Stars in “Space Jam”.
  6. He’s an unlockable character on Mortal Kombat 2.
  7. He doesn’t know it yet, but we’re getting married.
  8. The Warren G. and Nate Dogg hit “Regulators” is actually a detailed account of Kaep’s first day of fourth grade.
  9. The original design for Optimus Prime called for him to transform into not a truck, but into Colin Kaepernick.
  10. He cannot tell a lie.
  11. The military doesn’t actually have smart homing missile technology.  It just seems that way because they have Kaep throwing all their bombs.
  12. He knows every secret handshake.
  13. The man doesn’t even drive to school.  It’s faster when he sprints.
  14. He didn’t ever have to use a slammer in pogs.  He smacked those little novelty disc-shaped bitches with his mind.
  15. If Kaep were Harry Potter, he totally would’ve been getting it on with Hermione since at least the third movie.  Although there wouldn’t have been a third movie because Kaep would’ve just killed Voldemort when he was like six or seven.
  16. Just looking at Kaepernick is what turned Lindsay Lohan straight again.
  17. He was in the first draft of “The Expendables”, but had to be written out when he made everyone else appear too effeminate.
  18. He also invented iPod nano’s by squishing his first iPod between his pecs.
  19. He possesses a real ocarina of time.  And a bad-ass double sided light saber.  And a Delorean that travels through time.
  20. He’s just unbelievable at “Words With Friends”.
  21. He could kick Kellen Moore’s ass.

    This joker? Kaep could do it one handed

  22. If he were blue he would look surprisingly like an Avatar.
  23. He would be the best player on the Nevada baseball team.  If any one gave a shit about baseball anyway.
  24. He has more real friends than you have Facebook friends.
  25. He is probably a member of the Men In Black.  Remember that.  Just in case we ever face to face and make contact.
  26. Based on his arm strength and lithe build we’re just going to go ahead and assume he killed everyone at “butt’s up” in elementary school.

The 00’s are winding down faster than your Dad after a hard day at the mill… and we can’t believe it’s over.  A lot of sweet ass stuff happened this decade: first black president, puberty, going to college, B2K, you participating in your first make shift abortion, Jersey Shore, etc.  Everyone and your  mom is doing a list about the best of this decade.  Not the Nevada SpaceSuit.  Instead, we are going to give you our top predictions for things that will happen in the upcoming decade.  As evidenced by our horoscopes we’re bordering on Miss Cleo levels of psychic ability (secretly hardest word ever to spell right on the first time: psychic), so you should really pay attention. So here it is, our top alphabet list (this one goes all the way to Z!) of “The Teens: the stuff that’s 100% for sure happening in the next decade”

A. With the apocalypse upon us, God asks for his voice back from journalism professor Paul Mitchell.

B. You get married.

C. You get divorced.

D. The Nevada SpaceSuit still has a readership of under 200 people.

E. Mattel perfects and then mass markets hoverboards by 2015.  This one has to happen so that Back To The Future II can come true-although that’s actually true for a lot of things…

F. NEVADA finally adopts a hand gesture that looks like an actual wolf and stops stealing Texas’ hook ’em horns gesture.

G. Chris Ault introduces a new offense.  This one’s called WINNING.

H. Sales of Call of Duty will surpass most European nation’s GDP’s

I. Soccer will finally fulfill its destiny and become the most popular sport in America.

J. No it won’t.  It’s gay.

K. The shuttle drivers figure out how to space themselves out from each other.

L. Sarah Palin loses the next election, my aunt Pam can’t believe it.

M. Nevada 2100 in the Sagebrush will have failed to get any of their predictions right.  Plus it still won’t ever be funny.

N. The Athletic Department will add another wolf mascot. Her name will be Alphina. You know, so Alphie can finally get laid.

O. Casey Stiteler will run and win the position of ASUN President. Everyone still thinks it’s Eli Reilly.

P. Someone from the basketball team actually graduates

Q. Phi Delt finally reestablishes contact with the mother ship

R. I finally make the transition into being the creepy old guy at the club

S. Marcellus Kemp stops to think about how much he misses college, but goes back to cooking the fries.

T. Reno is finally able to anticipate winter coming and gets their shit together with more than 9 snow plows for the whole city.

U. Tila Tequila finally finds true love

V. Kids will talk about Twilight was such a classic from “back in the day”.  You will just want to slap the shit out of these kids.

W. A couple football players wear something other than matching Nevada sweat pants.

X. They are immediately ostracized.

Y. ASUN vice President Charlie Jose has to start shaving more than once every 3 months.

Z. The real Mark Fox is found in a lab outside Fernley. It is revealed that an evil clone engineered by Utah State quit the coaching job at Nevada and everything in the world makes sense again.

Kaep Facts

November 10, 2009

In the words of Joe Santoro, “The strength of the pack is the wolf and the strength of the wolf is the KAP.” And we here at the Nevada SpaceSuit believe that.

Colin Kaepernick is an accomplished man.  He’s only 21 and already way more popular than you’ll ever be.  With football season in full swing he’s undoubtedly the big man on campus.

As such,  people know stuff about him.  Like that he’s already won WAC player of the week twice this season, that he was drafted by Major League Baseball but turned it down to play here, and that he looks slick in a full sweat suit and a matching hat.  However, there are other things about him that you may not know.

It is thought that these facts aren’t revealed because he would likely be forced immediately to leave Nevada and become either the governor or Iron Man.  But we here at the Nevada SpaceSuit are known for our Woodward and Bernstein level of investigative reporting.  We dug deep, and we found out that things that the government doesn’t want you to know about Colin Kaepernick.

kaep

Hottie, Hottie 2 by 4

15. He’s really left handed.  He only throws with his right so that he won’t break his receivers hands every time they catch a pass.

14. Can eat a bag of Pop Rocks with a can of Coke and barely even flinch.

13. Barry Bonds wasn’t on HGH, but he was regularly injecting himself with vials of Kaep’s sweat.

12.  In fourth grade he successfully pulled off the Powerline Dance at a school assembly (and if you don’t get that joke you haven’t seen the “Goof Troop Movie” recently enough.  In which case, come on, let out your inner child).

11. He once ate three plates of  those DC store chicken  tenders (that I swear to G are laced with LSD) and didn’t puke it all up like us mere mortals.

10.  He wears number ten.  Which all sixth graders know can be made to look like a wiener going into a vag hole.  Awesome.

9. The Pokemon? He caught ’em all.

8. He makes a really excellent Peach Cobbler.

7. He could throw the ball over them mountains.

6. If he didn’t shave between quarters Taua  would trip over his beard on every read option.

5. Is confident enough in his level of coolness to rock the Vin Diesel “I live my life a quarter mile at a time” era hair cut.

4. Him and Lippincott are buddies, they’re pals, they always work things out.  (You don’t get this one either?  Did you seriously never watch Goof Troop?  Did you grow up in the Amish country there, Jedediah?)

3. Made the Kessel run in only 11 parsecs.  Suck it Han Solo.

2. Once threw a pass so accurate, that not only did it go through the eye of a needle, but the iris and cornea as well.

1. The middle hour of “Dark Knight” is a word for word account of how he spent his summer vacation in ’07.