Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

We know you’ve been wondering and yes, you will still be “popular” enough  next year to get into the student section at football games even though you don’t go to school anymore. Let go already.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Look you’re never gonna be famous.  Save us all the trouble and don’t move to LA for 5 years to “spread your art”.  Just cut out the middle man, apply to be the assistant manager at Chili’s and develop a minor drug problem.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

Well, you’ll gain two things on graduation day. One, is your degree – the other – is a DUI and Mugshot Graduation photo. Thought you were gonna be one of the lucky ones that got  through your whole college experience with out one? Too bad.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

I don’t know.  Captain of a shrimp boat?  Due to the continuing oil spill this is now impossible.  New advice, Become an oil spill insurance salesman.  People are freaked out right now,  strike while the iron is hot.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Graduation will be the hardest for you.  You partied harder and had more fun than the Leos and the Geminis combined.  But every ride has to end sometime.  Have fun adjusting to the real world.  Out there, you’re just another short guy with a liberal arts degree.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

Hellooooo post-college depression.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

A fast paced life of excitement awaits you in marvelous New York City!  There you’ll be living the life, riding the…. ah who are we kidding.  You’re gonna marry your gf, knock her up and stay in Reno.  It’s cool. Maybe when you’re 40 the weather will get nice.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

So you failed accounting?  Well good thing you’re hot and can marry a rich guy.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

You’ll be mauled and eaten by a brood of alligators.  Don’t blame me I’m just the messenger…

Aries (March 21-April 19):

You haven’t found a job yet and you’re certainly not going to find one in the next 3 days.  You’re gonna have to move back home.  Fair warning, hearing your roommate have sex through the wall the last 3 years has not prepared you for hearing your mom give it up to her new boyfriend Stephon.  Fucking Stephon.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

Grad school huh? Just an FYI- not as  drunkenly irresponsible as undergrad.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Scorpio just wants your money but go with it.  She’s hot.

Basketball Players (Jan 1-Dec 31)

Oh wait never mind.  None of you stick around long enough to graduate.  Again have fun in Germany.

Oh and you’ll all get fat.  Congratulations Everybody!


Alot of your friends are done with their finals, but your still here.  Well so are we.  PS how much did that weekend suck studying?  Well if, like us you were studying for financial accounting, it was awful.  To put said awfulness into perspective, here’s a list of things you could’ve done this weekend that would NOT have been as bad as studying.  Enjoy (if you’re still capable of such an emotion).

1.         Putting off studying for your finals.  You know, like last weekend.

2.         Feel what its like to have your soul slowly die (oh wait that actually happened, nev mind).

3.         Leaving school a year too early, not getting drafted and spending the next 15 years playing for 30,000 Euros a year on some weirdo German basketball club.  Gutentagg err Luke.

4.         Suffering through “The Backup Plan” with your Mom on Mother’s Day when you know if you were sitting 100 feet to your left you could be watching Iron Man 2. Spoiler Alert on The Backup Plan, J-Lo and the random guy overcome her pregnancy and end up together in the end.  Spoiler Alert 2: J-Lo falls down in front of the guy and its so totally embarrassing and hilarious.

5.         Getting 3 pages of your Econ term paper typed on the Knowledge Center computer when it suddenly shuts off because its midnight (even though its open until 2:00am) and getting the opportunity to start all over again.

6.         Triple bypass surgery

7.         Accidentally wandering into Lawrence Taylor’s hotel room.

8.         If you hadn’t remembered that the whole reason you came to Wal-Mart on Saturday was to get Plan-B.  You would’ve walked out with 6 pairs of socks, a national enquirer, and a new responsibility.

9.         Being a student at UNLV for up to 10 minutes (but only if it was during Summer and you were back home.  And only if your parents live in a mansion).

10.       Literally anything else not named above.

Hey.  How ya doin?  Oh what you’re just chilling in the library right now studying for some final and doing all the homeworks you put off doing this semester b/c you were too busy playing Words With Friends? Yeah, us too.  The Library is a fickle place come finals time.  Theoretically it is the best place to get work done, but realistically everyone is there and it’s kind of a marvy scene.  Fun fact: during finals, the Knowledge center becomes one of the 10 most populous cities in Nevada.  Move over Goldfield.  Anyway, to commemorate this time-honored struggle that takes place between studying and procrastination that takes place here every spring, The Nevada SpaceSuit presents to you: The Things You Did In The Library  Today When You Should Have Been Studying.

1.  Spent 20-30 minutes getting “situated” and “ready to study” (BS by the way, we both know you could’ve started right away and actually got something done before 11:00).

2. Saw someone you haven’t seen in forever one floor up. Thought about going to say hi, decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

3. Watched people out that window for no less than 13 minutes. Hopefully you were making up their conversations in your head.

4. Spent way too much thought trying to figure out how bad for you those Funyuns were before finally deciding they could be 1,000 calories each and you still would take it over the salad in the weirdo coffee shop in the Library.  From there you’ll ponder further and wonder why the university decided to put its only two decent coffee shops within 50 feet of each other.  Solid business model there guys, it’s so weird we’re losing money….

5. Watched a group of 6 huge football players take a lap of every floor, talk to everyone they know, and then leave.

6. Every quiz ever on Facebook. And 3-4 tweets every 20 minutes about how #finalzsux

7. Played the eye contact game with the cute girl three tables away. Eventually you made eye contact too many times and it crossed the line from flirty to rapester-y.

8. Make a fort out of binders, folders and texts books

9. Think about just walking out right now, leaving your books. Try to convince yourself how much you would really like life as a trucker.

10. Wish you weren’t so hungover from  cinco de mayo.

11. Trying to figure out why Colin Kaepernick STILL hasn’t called. That vision board sucks.


12. Thinking how cool it’d be if you had that remote from “Click” so you could just fast forward the next 7 days.

13. Not really. Why don’t you just fast forward through your whole college career while you’re at it.

14. Got to the end of the latest NSS article and think two things: 1. Wow, they actually made it 300 words without making a Home Alone 2: Lost In New York Joke.  And 2. Well that could have been funnier, good thing this ish is free. Merry Studies you filthy animal (ratta-tat-tat).

Whether you find it a blessing or a curse (much like my period most months) Dead Day 2k10 is on Cinco de Mayo. Some of you have the freedom to get completely annihilated all day long because you’re still in English 098 or your professors are total hippies. Well some of us don’t have that luxury. So for those of you who can’t celebrate one of the holiest of drunk holidays, we’re gonna help you out. How to incorporate the Cinco de Mayo fun into your dead day.

Numero Uno: Bring your blender to the library. Mix your Red Bull with a little tequila and put sugar (or adderall) on the lid. Muy Bueno.

Numero Dos: If you don’t already, refer to Manzanita Lake as Lake Titicaca for the day. (OK so it’s not in Mexico, but it made you giggle)

Numero Tres: When you see somebody doing homework, swoop in and take their work, doing it faster and cheaper.

Numero Quatro: Wear a Mexican flag as a cape and scream      “viva la Mexico!”     during the undie run

Numero Cinco: Consider the historical ramifications of the small Mexican force holding off the mighty French army at the battle of Pueblo. J/K , don’t ask why it’s here, just enjoy that it is here.

Numero Seis: Grow a mustache. (Boys or girls)

Numero Siete: Show up three turbo Coronas deep and in a sombrero to all your study groups

If you can combine numbers 6 & 7 please do

Numero Ocho: Cross out Irish on all your St. Patrick’s day stuff and write Mexican.  Because what is Cinco De Mayo really except Mexican St. Patricks’ day? The only difference is this one doesn’t have a pretentious color scheme.

Numero Nueve: Make a Mexican Mariachi Band music playlist on your iPod. The sound of the maracas are mesmerizing

Numero Dias: When randomly hooking up with some rando in the library to relieve some of the tension of this f&^*$in’ calculus test, use the rhythym method instead of a condom in honor or our neighbors to the south and their religiously happy-go-lucky approach to contraception.

Numero Oncé: Lean Like A Cholo