The Dream Team: Ladies Edition

We all know that the primary reason we even get together with girlfriends is for free drinks and unwarranted attention. And when Gary Schott posts “Who wants free booze??? You do!! Come with six girls to EDGE tonight and get a free bottle in tha vip! Holla attcha boy! 722 3233”   Really – we can’t deny it.  So when we do have a “ladies night” there is definitely a crew you want to roll with. Ideally the dream team consists of 4 girls – more than 4 leads to an episode of a cattiness and drama that rivals the real housewives. And clearly you need an even number because you have to implement the buddy system like the dudes – but this one is more along the lines of safety reasons.

1.The Blatant Bitch

You know, the one who will tell some creepy guy hitting on you to back the fuck off, or sometimes she will throw a glass at some other bitch if she feels like it or will straight up leave the group high and dry for the night because she’s “not getting enough attention.” This chick is brassy.

2. The Fugly Friend

Honestly, they’re really just there because you’ve been friends since 3rd grade and there’s no sense in losing her now – you need all the friends you can get.

3. Mommy Dearest

She’s the one who can snap out of an alcohol induced coma at the drop of the hat to play the adult to all of her drunk friends. She will also make you upwards of 3 grilled cheeses when you get home and are sprawled out on the floor with only your socks on.

4. The one with the huge boobies

This girl always delivers.   She doesn’t have a name as far as the public is concerned, she’s just, “your friend with the huge rack.” She’s so skinny that her boob size (although they are ginormous at a Double D) increases 10 fold because of the contrast to her ribcage. But hey, she’s a fun gal with no drama.

You: Hopefully you somehow fit in this group. If not, you can always assume the back up position of “fugly friend.” I’m sorry but they just don’t make 10s like they used to.

Meh, they’re okay….

Recovering drug addict/alcoholic – Ok so then we also have the girl who is the recovering drug addict/acoholic – although bars and parties aren’t probably the greatest surroundings for her (but who am I to judge? I mean.. LOOK AT ME!)  Shes good because she is (or.. er…should be) always sober so she’s avail for a ride.

Hot friend – the one where every guy you know comes up to you to talk about it. Guy: “OMG your friend is so hot” You: “I know. she has a boyfriend” Guy: “So? duddeee hook it up” You: “get in line fuckbag.” You can’t take her out everynight because A. She’s too pretty (with a personality to match)  and you might as well not exist B. She tends to be high maintenance. And nobody needs that past 1 a.m.

The light weight – Keep this chick around for purely entertainment reasons. She barely goes out and when she does it’s like a tv sitcom episode. They’re unnaturally dancing on tables and kicking off her shoes, and making out with peoples necks despite unwarranted advances. And next thing you know it’s gonna lead to some kind of wacky mix up where they make a drunk speech to their parents and throw up on Chandler. Clearly, you can’t deal with this every weekend.

The girl that lets you borrow her clothes: It’s like you got a brand new wardrobe and didn’t pay for it. This girl should also have good taste and be the same size. Sorority bitches basically have it made in this area… but they have to hang out with each other all the time. You dodged a bullet there.

Your Best Gay:

In a perfect world, you get 2

You love him. He’s like you, but with a weiner. He just gets everything about you – who you are on your most shallow levels. He’s great for fashion advice, boy advice and sex advice (think about it – you do the same things to half the population).  You like having him around for all of these reasons.. but then his excessive bitchiness strikes up and you’re abandoning ship. You’ve already got to deal with the lightweight and your way too hot friend.

The Katherine Heigel: Goes for fat guys that are wayyyy under her league. Hey, at least it takes the pressure off you.

(note: The Katherine Heigel archetype was added in by a male staff writer.  He has not yet realized that this woman does not exist outside the world of Seth Rogen and Jack Black.  NO hot girl hooks up with a schlubby dude who’s not also like a millionaire or the president of France or something.  But we let him keep it in so as to not crush his spirit.  HIs chubby, jewy-haired spirit).

Avoid at all costs:

The Angelina (of Jersey Shore fame – not Jolie) :

The bane of my existence.  This girl will cock block you like there’s no tomorrow.  She will get on your case for no reason other than she can (which ps is not too much of a fucking accomplishment, all that’s required to “tell it like it is” is a mouth and a base understanding of the english language.  So don’t go patting yourself on the back too much).  When people call this girl out on her bitchiness she’ll respond with  “I know I’m a bitch.  That’s how I am, take it or leave it”. Verdict: Leave it, and maybe try to talk her into a female vasectomy.

The Slutty Friend: We’ve all got one. (Or perhaps its you?) She’ll pretty much do anyone that has a face. You “go out together” and get to hang out for about one hour the whole night and then… poof! She disappears! Listen, we all have our own ways of dealing with life.  Some people drink, some smoke, weirdos cut themselves, and the Japanese jerk it to weird 13 year old anime.  But this girl has her own method.  She likes the cock. We realize that’s not the most delicate way to put it but that’s the truth. She’s always ditching you and leaving you with no ride. But it’s cool.. you’ve always wanted to walk home by yourself.

Hollywood: She thinks she belongs in a trendier city like Vegas or LA and frankly, it’s rather obnoxious. You’re in Reno, sister. Oh, and just because your sidekicked is bedazzled and I can hear your acryclic nails clicking on the keys doesn’t mean that you’re less annoying than me! You’re just much better dressed.

The crier:

You know her all too well. Get a few shots of vodka in this chick and the waterworks flow as mighty as the Truckee River on a Spring day. She’ll continue her night sobbing to herself on the curb. WARNING: Any girl can be the crier based on a certain number of drinks or what kind of day they’ve had, so try not to be too mean to her, although she is one big pain in the ass.

The “Cool Mom”: No, absolutely not.  Everyone knows a girl who says things like “my mom is sooo cool” and “my mom is my best friend, its totally like having someone around who’s my age, but like totally wise”.  Kill me now.  I don’t care how cool a mom is, at the end of the day she’s still gonna be a half-drunk 48 year old with a spray tan dancing a little too hard and looking for Stevie Nicks songs on the juke box.  And yes she may attract additional guys who want to try to bag themselves a cougar, but let’s be honest you don’t need to be talking to those guys.  MILF’s stopped being funny in 2001, and the chances are, they stopped being hot in 1988 when you destroyed their birth canal.

Gollum:  One of the main stories of the Lord of The Rings Movies was Gollum trying to steal that ring from the two gay hobbits in the mountains.  He had a one track mind.  For Gollum, the ring was the thing and nothing else mattered (except maybe finding and eating a nice brace of conies).  This girl has the same set of priorities, she can hear the biological clock ticking and she is not a fan.  This girl didn’t come to college to get her B.A., she came to work on her M.R.S.  She will come on to guys wayyyy too hard and her desperate/crazy/murderous vibe will taint the chee of the whole group.  Best to leave this one at home to check her e-Harmony profile.

The Goin’ Out Dream Team: Mens Edition

The weekend is fast approaching and it is party time.  We’re now on the RIGHT side of Spring Break and midterms and the weather is getting warm.  Velcro your shoes boys and girls, it’s party season.  There is no better time to go out and cruise the bars with your best mates than spring.  School’s almost out, people aren’t wearing winter coats to The Break, and bros from Sig Ep can get excited that the kids from the Davidson Academy are one year closer to finally being legal.

Spring is here, you have to go out.  But when you do, make sure you do it with the right crew.  The best number of people for a crew, like wife swapping and bobsledding, is four.  Four gives you all the benefits of a big group with the flexibility of a small one.  There are enough people that you probably won’t end up in a fight, but there are few enough people that you probably won’t cause one either.  You can split into pairs so no one is left out and you can also employ the buddy system. Note that this team only applies to the fellas.  Our roster for the ladies team will be coming soon.

The Dream Team

The Wildcard: This is the guy that makes the night, without him there you might as well be sitting at home looking for something on Chat Roulette that’s not a 15 year old girl or a guy’s curiously shaped dong, plowing through a bag of Cheetos Puffs.  He’s the one that has little to no inhibition and has a 50-50 shot of ending his night in the party hall of fame or the jail on Parr blvd.

The Vinny Chase: Just like Vince from Entourage, this is the superstar of your team.  He’s so cool that his peripheral handsomeness can get guys like Turtle and Jonny Drama laid on a fairly consistent basis.  Chances are he also writes some kind of really sensitive poetry and plays the guitar or something.  Girls love this guy, and if he wasn’t your friend, you would hate him.  He’s one of those dudes who definitely would have been like the preppy villain in a movie from the 80’s movie.  However, as long as you’re not Anthony Micheal Hall or the Karate Kid this really isn’t so bad.  One of the unfortunate things about bringing the Vinny Chase along is that you know he’s always going to go for the hottest girl.  In a group that’s like the Spice Girls, where they’re all babes, this isn’t so much of a problem.  However if you happen to be hanging out with more of a Brady Bunch type group, with a clear Marsha and then some Jan’s, chances are you’re settling that night.  While the Vinny Chase can be a double edged sword, in the end he is always worth it to have around.  Especially if he can introduce you to a 5’5″ wise crackin’ agent who takes no prisoners but is always in to hug it out (bitch).

Yellow Pages: This guy not only knows everybody, but he knows what they’re doing too.  If you ever need something to go just ask yellow pages, he’ll have two house parties and a VIP section lined up before you finish asking him.  Yellow Pages has procured this impressive list of numbers in a few ways.  Firstly, he never deletes anyone, because you never know when you’re gonna be in a tight spot and the only way out is your chem lab partner from 5 semesters ago.  Secondly, even though he’s a fifth year senior he’s some how manage to only ever take lecture classes.  He posts up at the back of the class and grades himself on how many numbers he gets, not how many test questions he gets right.

The Hammer:  Here we have the tough guy of the crew.  He is the biggest of your friends and can probably drink everyone under the table.  If you’re a dude never underestimate the power of having a really huge guy with you who can come up and say “is their a problem here?”.  This will stop a lot of fights before they even start.  And let’s be real, there’s gonna be a night when you need someone to pick you up from under one of the benches at Pub n’ Sub and put you in the back seat.  Who besides The Hammer is going to help you out in that situation? Because I can guarantee you it won’t be the bouncer at Imperial, he only uses his massive forearms to push you out the door and on to the side walk.

You: Hopefully are one of the four above, if not cut somebody.  Just make sure it’s not the hammer, because he looks like Thor and will break you like Ivan Drago.

The alternates

The Dream Team isn’t always available, at some point everyone has to go to a Robert Pattinson movie with their girlfriend or go have a circle jerk with the rest of Coffin and Keys in a grave yard.  But luckily, there are acceptable alternates:

The Leader of Men: We all have friends like this.  They think they’re the alpha male and they want everyone to know it.  They yell out proclamations like “This is the most EPIC night of all time”.  And, “It’s past midnight on a Thursday, call me a taxi so we can get the hell out of the Break.  To the Wal!  He’s also gonna make you shoot whiskey at some point so look alive!

Mr. “I’m Down”: No matter what you propose, this guy will answer with “I’m Down”.  He’s just up for anything.  Don’t underestimate the value of the guy who is just as likely to be your wingman on a late night booty call as he is to wait with you in the McDonald’s parking lot until 5am when they start serving breakfast.

The Guy With The Great Ideas: For some reason this guy is always thinking outside of the box.  The average person, when a little buzzed and heading home, will ask whoever’s driving them to take them to Jack in the Box or something.  This isn’t good enough for great ideas guy.  He’ll always have a much better idea like going to the Peppermill for $5 Omlettes, going to the GSR for some drunken laser tag (which btw, is was underrated as an activity),  or getting a 12 pack, rallying, and getting some skateboards to luge down Sierra Street with.  You don’t know how he comes up with these plans but you don’t care, all that matters is that they’re always awesome.

Don't underestimate how much better this will look to you at 2:30 tonight when you're a little sauced

The Guy Who Snuck Away From His GF:  This is your buddy from awhile ago who’s been in a relationship FOREVER.  He’s constantly saying he’s going to meet up with you but then at the last second has to cancel to go to his gf’s cousin’s violin recital or some other queer thing like that.  Well he’s finally able to get out and while the cat’s away the mice will do a couple lines and streak down 9th Street.  Just remember to go along with his “we went to see Kick-Ass” alibi anytime his old lady asks you about what you guys did.

Who you don’t want:

Stay away from these jokers like you stay away from anything above math 181.  They will not enhance you’re night, they will only make it worse.  Yeah sometimes they can deviate from the norm and have a good night, but doesn’t mean anything.  Kate Hudson was in “Almost Famous”, but that doesn’t mean she’s generally in good movies.  Sometimes in life its just better to say no.  Well its ALWAYS  best to say no to these guys:

Mr. I Don’t know my limits: Some people just can’t handle alcohol. Unfortunately not everyone has realized this yet.  This guy starts out fun, but then ends up throwing down a handle and totally makes an ass of himself all night.  And by ass we mean he’s gonna throw up in your car and maybe kick out a juke box.

The Al Capone: Wants to commit crimes.  We don’t what this bro’s problem is but he always wants to do some crazy shit like steal from 7-11 or jump some kids who gave him the awkward eye at a red light.  He’s a loose cannon.  Good in a fight, but not when you’re trying to avoid one.

The Guy From Elko: It’s all in the title really.

Ben Rothleisberger:  Some guys just don’t realize no means no.  What’s funny is the odds are that this guy will actually physically resemble the actual big Ben.  Kind of pudgy, goatee/chin beard, backwards hat, and a cock that just doesn’t take no for an answer. (PS is it funny that everyone was so surprised about Ben Rothleisberger even though he dresses and acts like a 6th year frat dude?).  Anyway, if you don’t want to end up having to appear in court in a couple of months, its best to leave this guy back at the house.

The One Who Brings His Girlfriend: He’ll insist that she’s cool.  That she’s just like one of the guys and you’ll totally be able to do all the same things you would do if she wasn’t there.  Unless she’s cool with going to a strip club and then is physically able to swiftly jump fences as you run away because the Wildcard was buying dances with monopoly money, than this is not true.  Girlfriends have a time and a place but guy’s night out is not one of them.  You wouldn’t bring a knife to a gun fight and you sure as hell shouldn’t bring a lady to a Fella’s Friday.

Anyone under a 6 who’s also not funny: Brings the whole team down.  he’s the anti-Vinny Chase.  You’re better than that.

Ed Hardy:  Wears exclusively Ed Hardy, maybe even has some of the Ed Hardy decals or air fresheners that they sell at Wal-Mart.  His hair will be gelled into helmet like fashion, likely in some sort of faux-hawk or spike arrangement.  He will smell like a mixture of Josh Hartnett cologne, sweat (from dancing with the mad honeys), and Zima.  Beer belly or not, his shirt is a level of tightness that leads many to wonder if its really a shirt or if he just painted his body black and then stuck on a sticker of a tiger jumping out of a rose or something (although the sleeves of this shirt will never go low enough to cover his Chinese symbol tattoo that means “ferocity”  or “strength” or “let me fuck with this white guy who doesn’t know Chinese”).  Reno is full of these so they can be hard to avoid.  Just know that if one of your friends spends more than 3 minutes on their hair, or won’t shut up about their Real World video that they just submitted, you should probably not ever tell him where you’re really going.

the height of Ed Hardy's guy's fashion

A to Z: 26 Reasons why we haven’t posted in a month

A. We took 3 weeks off to honor the 2043rd anniversary of the death of Julius Caesar on the Ides of March

B. Kicked in the juke box at the Wal and have been working two jobs to pay it off.

C.  Following my father’s diary in a quest for the Holy Grail with my friends Salah and Marcus.

D. I had custody of my 3 illegitimate children.

E.  Caring way too much about the ASUN election.

F. Chat Roulette.

G. We were detained in Cancun for charges we can’t legally mention without an attorney present.

H. Following the Nevada Basketball team in all of their post season endeavors.  Oh wait, that was over two weeks ago…never mind.

I. Carefully analyzing health care reform.  Wait you see through my lies?  Ok I found my old Sega Genesis and got really lost in Sonic 2.

J. Building a vision board so that Colin Kaepernick will talk to me JUST ONCE

K. Going through every possible 775 number and texting “Hey Kap”.  I’m going to get the right one eventually. Yes, two devoted to my love of Kap.

L.  Rehab.

M. Spending my time as the only white kid in “The Center”

N. Because we’re lazy and we didn’t want to do it.  What are you gonna stop paying us to entertain you?

O. Following Justin Beiber around America. Hellooooo Beiber Fever.

P. Crying about Reno’s crazy weather patterns on my FB page. Oh wait, that was you. And it’s really annoying.  SO STOP.

R.  Busy getting sexually assaulted by Ben Rothlesberger

S. Longest. Pee. Ever

T. Storing up on Peeps and Shamrock Shakes. Those bitches are only come around once a year.

U.  Using Foursquare to become the mayor of the Wal.

V. Non-stop push ups.  I’m now the butchiest girl on campus.

W. Ummm…. would I lose all my street cred if I said homework?

X. Getting all my eating in.  If I wanna be skinny by summer the anorexia has to start now.

Y. Waxing this guy’s counters and painting his fences.  I know it seems like a waste of a month, but if it really does help me take down those mother fuckers at Cobra Chai it will all be worth it.

Z. Marathoning the first 6 seasons of Full House.  And if that’s a crime you can call me a violent repeat offender.