When you’re a kid and your watching a show, the most romance/lovin’ you ever see is limited to handholding and maybe some kissing.  And this is as it should be, young minds aren’t quite ready to be exposed to the wonders of fornication.  Trust me when I say that a 7th grader’s innocence is shattered the moment his friend shows him a chick bricking in some dude’s mouth online at steak and cheese (remember steak and cheese? No, just me? I was the only one with really pervy friends?).  Anyway we thought we’d go back and take another look at these couples from our youth, to decipher what would have been happening if they had been actual real-world teenagers, and not the abstinent Disney archetypes they were portrayed as.  Their amount of sexin’ will be judged on a scale of 1-5 illegitmate children conceived.

Power Rangers: Tommy/Kimberly – Let’s see, two super hot teenagers (who were actually like 25) that are in great shape, spend 85% of every day together, and constantly go through life threatening situations that bring them closer together.  In the show they would sometimes hold hands and nervously invite each other to Sadie Hawkins dances.  B.S. If this was taking place in the real world you know that every night after saving the city Tommy was balls deep in some Pink Ranger, fogging up the windows in the Dragon Zord cockpit.  Plus look at the Pink Ranger.  She is so hot, Tommy HAD to lock that down.

4 out of  5 illegitimate children.

Power Rangers: Zordon/Alpha 5  – Alpha 5 was soooo gay.  But it kind of makes sense.  Zordon is a giant floating authoritative head, and Alpha 5 is a submissive robot who enjoys being told what to do.  It’s like a craigslist add from hell.  Or space.

0 out of 5 illegitimate kids (because they were both dudes, and either way I don’t think either had any genitalia).

Family Matters: Urkel/Laura – This one I think was less cut and dry. They probably did it once when he was Stephon and now its weird.  He’s desperately in love with her and she’s ashamed and embarrassed.  She probably let him hit that becasue she didn’t assume he would morph back into a nerd with a Scottie Pippen haircut and pants pulled up halfway to his nips the moment they left Orlando (which in fairness to her was a pretty reasonable assumption).

1 out of 5 illegitimate children (because you KNOW Stephon don’t wrap it up.  He wants to feel you girl).

Family Matters

"Did I do thaaaaat?" Yes, You did "do" that. A lot. Especially in your weirdo time machine.

Full House: Danny Tanner/ Uncle Joey – Let’s go down the checklist shall we?  Both were unmarried, had feathered hair, and were raising children together in San Francisco.  Yeah, no red flags there.

1 out of 5 illegitimate children

Lion King: Mufasa/ All them ho’s – Besides Scar and then later Simba there were no other dude lions there.  But there were lots of kids.  Someone had to father these cubs and I think we can all be fairly certain it wasn’t the voodoo monkey or the gay toucan.  And yes that does mean Nala was Simba’s sister.  Sorry for destroying your childhood.

5 out of 5 illegitimate children (although it was probably actually more than 5, and then also a whole bunch of inbred grandkids)

Sesame Street: Ernie/Burt – This one is probably this highest level of debauchery.  And Bert should get a medal for the wild coke fueled orgies that Ernie seemed to be throwing in the tub. What do you think they meant by doing the rubber duck?


Muppets: Gonzo/ Camilla The Chicken – This was probably constant, and probably not consensual.  In a world where almost every animal can talk and wear a suit jacket, Gonzo ended up with a chicken who can’t do anything but cluck.  Yes he claims they have a relationship but is it really consensual? All of the other muppets have the ability to say yes or no like people, so its not as weird when they’re into each other.  From what I can tell Camilla is just a regular chicken.  And she’s probably subject to an unrelenting blue felt weiner pounding every night after Kermit locks up the theater.  And she has no way to stop it.  Because she’s a chicken.

4 out of 5 horrifying, cross species, illegitimate children.

Babar/Miss Babar: Just some hot, nasty elephant sex

No illegitimates, they were married.


Mario Series: Mario/Peach- I will tell you right now that Princess Peach must have got her name from being the best piece of ass in the mushroom kingdom.  Think about what Mario went through for this broad.  Every 2-3 years he would swim through shark infested waters, skip from rock to rock inside of active volcanoes, and ingest huge quantities of mushrooms that couldn’t have been healthy for him.  Oh yeah,  and then he would celebrate it all by fighting a FAMILY OF DINOSAURS.  I have a hard time holding my farts in for my girlfriend.  This level of commitment is unprecedented.

3 out of 5 illegitimate children (though on looks curiously like King Koopa).

Mario Series: Luigi/his hand – went through everything Mario did and got nothing.  He was either jerkin it to images of his brother dying a horrible death or to the vampire page on youporn.

0 out of 5 illegitimate children.

Fresh Prince of Bel Air: Will/whoever he damn well pleased

5 out of 5 illegitimate children, many of whom can Whip their Hair.

Return of The Jedi: Jabba The Hut/Princess Leia – personally this one is the most painful for me.  I don’t think I realized it until I was like 14 or 15, but when I did I was legitimately horrified.  Don’t believed they got it on?  Let’s look at the facts:

  1. Leia woke up next to Jabba wearing nothing but a metal bikini and a look of shame.
  2. Two when he pulls her over to him after he catches her he sticks his tongue out and LICKS HER FACE.  A pre-rape move if I’ve ever seen one.
  3. When given the chance, the normally diplomatic princess Leia grabs her chain and mercilessly chokes him to death.  This strangling sequence takes about a full minute, during which time Jabba’s eyes roll into the back of his head as life slips away from his convulsing body.  This is BY FAR the most gruesome murder in the entire Star Wars saga, and it is fueled by the holy vengeance of a rape victim so we’re all okay with it.

0 out of 5 illegitimate children.  You know Han aborted that shit.

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Lookin' good blondie

Lookin' good blondie

So for those of you who missed it (although it didn’t seem like many of you did) last night was a classic one for the Little Waldorf,  all the stereotypes were there.  You know, the people who will always show up at the Wal on a Thursday night. We know who they are, but incase you don’t (what are you, socially retarded?) … Here are our favorites.

a. The guy who you really only marginally know but they act like you’re closer than Ernie and Bert.  This guy is always either phenomenally wasted, there pretty much by himself, or both.  You have to look out for this character, he’s probably not rolling that deep and so he is a danger to suddenly become part of your group.  Other people who came with you will start to question your ability as a judge of character for wanting to hang out with this guy.  He’ll probably also try to bring up some story he remembers from a long time ago that involved you and him.  It’s almost always either a story about one “hella crazy CH discussion” or some test that was “way too hard bro.  Like seriously, eff that ess”.

b. The over-hugger.  This person (like many in this list) will hug you either every 6 minutes, or every time you leave and come back, whichever comes first.  They are sure to spill at least one of your drinks with their quick mtions and flailing limbs.  Also, they will want to give you there number at least 3 or 4 times throughout the night (though due to their drunkenness at least one of these will by a totally mystifying stream of seven or eight 5’s).

c.  The person who keeps going outside to spark one up.  They swear they only smoke when they drink (however as they all have their own packs we must often examine the validity of this claim).

d. Greg Bailor.  Seriously, this guy is there every time and not just Thursdays either.  Why they don’t have either a bust of him mounted outside or list him as an official sponsor is beyond us.  This guy is always good for a cheers to whatever you’re talking about or for a detailed explanation of how he will some day become governor (which btdub, convinces me every time).

Governor Bailor and his "constituencies"

Governor Bailor and his "constituencies"

e.  That Mexican dude in the cowboy hat who tries to hustle everyone at pool.  Apparently we keep him young.

f. That person who is one of your gf/bf’s “best friend” from freshman year (aka they made out… a lot).  They insist on doing shots together, which your better half tells you is “not a big deal” and “just between friends” and “look, he just knows kamikazes are my favorite drink so he keeps buying me them.”  This guy is a fuck bag.

g. The guy who creepily lingers around the dance floor but never actually tries to dance with anyone.  This will usually be a heavier set gentleman in a baggy South Pole shirt with a K-Fed beard and a half empty rum and coke.

h. Us.  Are you kidding? We fuckin’ love this place.

i. The frat guy who only talks to you when you two see each other at the Wal. This way, he has enough liquid courage to hit on you. God forbid he’d talk to you in “real” life.  You have beautiful eyes, by the way.

j.  The crowd of people that apparently go to school here, but you’ve never seen them in your life.  Seriously. Who are these people? Like, not even remotely familiar. (Note: They may also be people who don’t go to school here.  They graduated high school in ’04 and now they don’t have anywhere else to go.  They will over compensate by making a ton of jokes about Glick or Ault).

k. My business card. Yep. Check it out in one of the horseshoes nailed to the wood pillars. He’s always there.. day in.. and day out.. always backing every decision I make.

l.  The line cutter. I mean we don’t have to wait in line, we know Greg Bailor. But what about everybody else? That line is sometimes 100 people long.  These are probably the same people who are hitting on your bf/gf.  Again, fuckbags.

m. The same seven bartenders – did you know those aren’t event their real names? Can you name them all? We can. Cuban, Big, Saturn, Skip, Miggity, Frau and BeastMaster

n. All the snow-loving, 4 XL wearing, greasy long haired creatures that have no where else to go since Fritz’s shut down.

o. The girl from your senior class that got pregnant. Surprise! It’s not yours though. Close call.

p. Those beezies that stay in the bathroom taking MySpace pictures of themselves in the mirror. Note: MySpace isn’t cool anymore, yo.

q. The girl that keeps getting shots for everyone.  She will inevitably do some combination of the following three things: throw up on you, make out with you, and/or ask you to take her to Jack In The Box.