Well, can you say BRRRR?! That’s right. It’s bone chilling temperatures and high winds for us again here in Reno.  With the cold weather comes a few things, snowmen, hot chocolate, people from Vegas freaking out like it’s “The Day After Tomorrow” and a handful of mysterious kids in “pwned noob” t-shirts walking around seemingly oblivious to the fact they have boogers frozen to the sides of their face.  But more importantly than all of these things it’s gonna change the party scene.  These changes are subtle, but they are changes all the same.  And as always, your old buddies at the SpaceSuit feel obliged to help some bruthas out.  So without further merriment, pomp, or ado:

The 15 ways party life changes when the season turns cold.

1. You can no longer be so brazen with your outdoor “only when I’m drunk” cigarette smoking.

2. If outdoors, the Sophie’s choice between wearing a mitten while you drink your beer and potentially having it slip vs. frostbite.

-OR-

The choice is clear

3. It doesn’t really matter what you wear. A really cute dress, new jeans that make your ass look great or the pair of basketball shorts you stole from your last walk of shame. You’re gonna be effin bundled like your life depended on it. Because it does.

4. There is now ice everywhere on the ground, you should probably wear a helmet.

5. There’s going to be a lot of scraggly pirate beards. You know, the ones where all of the parts don’t connect. The younger boys are trying to keep their faces warm, but they don’t yet understand that the unconnected “fuzz islands” look has never got any one laid.

6. Winter always brings way more compromising spend the night situations because you look out side and think “I’m not fucking walking home”

7. Now there’s more opportunities for jokes about the Paul Walker feelgood hit, “Eight Below

he's definitely thinking about how to teach these dogs to tokyo drift

8.Drinking “more” doesn’t always mean it’s going to get warmer. I’m sorry but standing in the Truckee River with no pants will always be freezing.
Until you die.And you will

9. We’re pretty sure glass shatters faster when it’s cold. Uninhabited commercial space downtown.. watch out!

10. It turns into a survivor type situation where you get to watch which determined whore will keep slutting it up with a short dress the furthest into the winter. You may not agree with her actions but dammit you respect her.

11. No more random shirtlessness (unless you’ve really decided to commit)

12. Finally, the cold is on your side. Everyone is much more likely to say yes to “hey, do you guys want to come back with us and check out our hot tub?”

13. Corollary to the previous point: No matter how close their building is to their apartment’s jacuzzi, it will feel 10 times that distance when it’s snowy any you’ve drunkenly elected to make this journey barefoot. Oh, and their key to the gate will never work. Ever.

14. You start gradually depleting your Christmas present funds to buy people shots. Because what are shots but little presents anyway?

15. It’s now wayyyy to cold to hang out at the mostly outdoor freight house district. No more pretending to watch baseball while you get hammered until next year (oh wait, baseball is over? who the hell knew?)

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We know it’s Rivalry Week here at the University of Nevada and we clearly know what’s gonna happen on Saturday when we play beat the shit out of UNLV. And they’re probably really bummed about it because A. they know they’re going to lose B. We’re now ranked in the top 25 IN THE NATION. We can’t all be winners, but we’re glad we are. So, to make the ugly stepchild down south feel better, here’s a list of the things they’re in the top 25 for.

Seeeeee Yaaaaaaaaaaa

  • Clogged toilets in sororities (they claim it’s from Roberta’s Tacos but we’re pretty sure its the binge eating they all do after UNLV’s academic rankings come out).
  • Heroine usage on a college campus
  • Sales of Insane Clown Posse records per capita
  • Number of D-Bags that still quote Borat
  • Collegiate Greek Communities acting as petri dishes for the development and mutation of fun new STD’s
  • Laptops turned into the student tech center with hard drive failures directly related to Anime Porn
  • People who think the civil war isn’t over and that it’s “just half time” (don’t believe us? Check the mascot)
  • Clearly pro slavery

  • Most joint cases of auto-erotic asphyxiation and glue huffing
  • College Girls that think they’re hot, but they’re really just whores (note from male staff writer: those two things don’t always have to be mutually exclusive) (note from female staff writer: you’re gross)
  • Largest amount of “Mistake” tattoos.
  • Highest percent of student population who identify themselves as “attending their backup school”.
  • Major school in close geographic proximity to where Colin Kaepernick went to high school that didn’t offer him a scholarship.
  • Percentage of female students whose new “cover-up makeup” may actually be the beginning stages of jaundice
  • Largest amount of babies born abandoned in trashcans
  • Highest number of convicted pedophiles on one campus
  • Most number of Students who are Team Jacob
  • Most number of students who care about that
  • Percent of male student body who own at least 2 wigs
  • Stretch marks per square inch of sorority girl
  • That's at least a 7 down there

  • Future welfare recipients
  • Worst places to go to college
  • Least beautiful campus in America
  • Highest disparity between coolness of the campus and to the city it is in
  • Largest “Students for Sharon Angle” group in the world

And last, but not least….

  • Best place to take a roadtrip to when you know your school’s football team is going to abuse them like Lindsey Lohan abuses cocaine.

If any of you have been to any Nevada football games this year, you probably noticed two things.  One, at $7.50/beer the university is basically asking you to sneak in a flask.  And Two, Colin Kaepernick is a man among boys out there.  He truly is becoming a Wolf Pack legend.  But did you know oh unlearned one, that there is much more to young Colin than his dominance at the pigskin?  Read on dear friend, as the Nevada SpaceSuit educates you on the subject of #10, with part two of out Kaep facts.

  1. You can get pregnant just by reading about him.  Raise the child to be a masculine child.
  2. Would throw touchdowns to himself if it was allowed.
  3. When he was a kid, his dad didn’t take him fishing, they went lion-ing.  And yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like.  They killed lions.
  4. He is going to win the Heisman.
  5. Kaep, not Michael Jordan, was actually Bugs Bunny’s first choice to help defeat the Mon-Stars in “Space Jam”.
  6. He’s an unlockable character on Mortal Kombat 2.
  7. He doesn’t know it yet, but we’re getting married.
  8. The Warren G. and Nate Dogg hit “Regulators” is actually a detailed account of Kaep’s first day of fourth grade.
  9. The original design for Optimus Prime called for him to transform into not a truck, but into Colin Kaepernick.
  10. He cannot tell a lie.
  11. The military doesn’t actually have smart homing missile technology.  It just seems that way because they have Kaep throwing all their bombs.
  12. He knows every secret handshake.
  13. The man doesn’t even drive to school.  It’s faster when he sprints.
  14. He didn’t ever have to use a slammer in pogs.  He smacked those little novelty disc-shaped bitches with his mind.
  15. If Kaep were Harry Potter, he totally would’ve been getting it on with Hermione since at least the third movie.  Although there wouldn’t have been a third movie because Kaep would’ve just killed Voldemort when he was like six or seven.
  16. Just looking at Kaepernick is what turned Lindsay Lohan straight again.
  17. He was in the first draft of “The Expendables”, but had to be written out when he made everyone else appear too effeminate.
  18. He also invented iPod nano’s by squishing his first iPod between his pecs.
  19. He possesses a real ocarina of time.  And a bad-ass double sided light saber.  And a Delorean that travels through time.
  20. He’s just unbelievable at “Words With Friends”.
  21. He could kick Kellen Moore’s ass.

    This joker? Kaep could do it one handed

  22. If he were blue he would look surprisingly like an Avatar.
  23. He would be the best player on the Nevada baseball team.  If any one gave a shit about baseball anyway.
  24. He has more real friends than you have Facebook friends.
  25. He is probably a member of the Men In Black.  Remember that.  Just in case we ever face to face and make contact.
  26. Based on his arm strength and lithe build we’re just going to go ahead and assume he killed everyone at “butt’s up” in elementary school.

Dear Western Athletic Conference,


Wow, it’s so weird writing your full name like that.  I haven’t called you anything but Westy for the last however many years.  Wow, this is awkward, but I feel like we’ve been growing apart these last two years.  I don’t know if you’ve been getting that vibe too but if not I guess I wouldn’t be too surprised.  I feel like you’re just like, going one way and I’m going the other.  We’re like Kate and Sawyer, oh wait, you wouldn’t get that reference because you wouldn’t watch Lost with me.  You wanted to destroy my soul and speed up the apocalypse by making me watch the f&@$%ing Bad Girls Club with you on Tuesdays.  Why do I have to watch it with you?  I’ll just be in the other room and can come right over if, God forbid, there’s a really scary looking moth or something that I have to kill.  You watch what you want to watch, I’ll watch what I want to watch and we’ll meet at 11 to catch the Daily Show.  It’s the same when you make me hang out and watch Reba with you.  Newsflash, watching Reba marathons on the CW with you is my least favorite activity in the world and I’m 60% sure Reba is either the Anti-Christ or his herald.

Anyway we’re getting off topic here.  What I’m trying to say is it’s not you, it’s me. We’ve been growing apart and I’ve met someone else, their name is Mountain West Conference (MWC) or as I call them… Mounty <3. You planned to take us to cool, exotic places, Mounty actually does it. Now, every other year we’re going to be going to Las Vegas and San Diego.  You know, the places you always said we’d go before you ended up taking us back to Shitville, USA Moscow, Idaho for the 10th year in a row?  It’s just more exciting with Mounty. Call me old fashioned but you really can’t take someone to bowls in Boise that are sponsored by companies no one has ever heard of (how many MPC laptops have you seen popping up around campus?) and expect it to be exciting every time.  Not when the prospect of BCS bowls are right around the corner.


You never wanted to show me off.  I put together really good games to look nice for you.  Remember last year when I scored 70 points on San Jose State?  It was a great game, full of highlights, that I worked my ass off on.  And what recognition did I get?  A five second blurb 58 minutes into the midnight Sports Center?  What is that?  If Utah would have done that last year they would’ve got a full clips package in the first ten minutes with Lou Holtz creaming his pants halfway through and rambling on about how we remind him of his Jonny Unitas and the ‘59 Colts.  I want… no.. I DESERVE that kind of attention!  I try so hard to look good for you and you just don’t even care.

And I really hate your bitchy loser friends.  Half of perception is association.  And the conferences you’re most often compared with are losers like the Big West, Mississippi Valley Conference, and the West Coast Conference.  I cannot come back to the apartment again to find you, the WCC, and that  D-Bag Stevie Yanks stoned, eating dirty nachos off of our 2005 championship banner, and playing NCAA Football on the X-Box and not even playing as me!  Even when I’m in the room!  It’s like you don’t even care!  You want to play with Florida?  Is that what you want?  For me to be one of those slutty schools that pays it players and artificially inflates their grades so they can stay eligible?!? Well news flash Wack-o, Florida is a whore, but it’s a high-class whore who wouldn’t even look at you twice (and don’t pretend you only oogle them when you’re “playing with the fellas”, you know what pops up on your google search bar every time I’m looking for Flo-Rida videos?  “Florida/Alabama double penetration/steam cup”.  First off I’m mortified at what a “steam cup” could possibly be, but secondly at least respect me enough to delete your history! It’s not that hard!). But I digress.

You’re not the hot conference I first got together with.  Remember how hot you were when I first met you at that party?  I was with that loser Big West (although at least they were sweet and I won every year). I mean when I first got here and you, Westy, were supposed to be the up and coming “super conference”… and that was exciting.  But you let yourself go.  All these teams started leaving to go to Conference USA and yes, to Mounty, and you just didn’t care. I thought I was special. We got together because we were two attractive entities who cared about what they looked like and being something people would want.  Well a decade of letting the BYU’s of the world go and instead making Utah State a big part of your diet has taken its toll.  You look like shit.  Seriously, try fitting into the jeans I bought you from the Albuquerque Banana Republic when you got us to the Meth Bowl New Mexico Bowl in 2007, I bet you can’t even get your cottage cheese thighs 2 inches pass the waist.

Also, you're way fatter than you were in Dodge Ball

I was really hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but it has. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m better than you and I’m sorry I’m going to DO SOMETHING with my life. Actually you know what?  I take back what said in the beginning, I think the problem is you.


In the words of Alfalfa, “I hate your stinkin’ guts Darla”

-Nevada

P.S. I’m gonna need my Fraggle Rock sweat shirt back, and make sure you get all those Mac & Cheese stains out of it first.

I had an insightful chat with my brother this morning.  A chat that cut to my very core, and truly showed me how irresponsible I’ve become this summer.  You see we really haven’t written many articles this summer.  We’ve been living foot-loose and fancy free (ie we’ve been drinking heavily), and haven’t found the time to write any articles for our adoring fans (there’s at least 4 of them, maybe 2 if we don’t count ourselves).  You see,  we should have  been writing articles this summer instead of seeing if there was any fun way to blow $5 million bucks on football after we just cut 12 majors due to “underfunding” (which was a total success by the way).
Anyway, to make sure this never happens again, the Nevada SpaceSuit has taken 5 seconds away from watching the video of the gay flight attendant jumping out of the plane while we’re at work to put together this alphabet list of helpful tips to freshmen and upperclassmen who just haven’t learned.  So without further ado, here are 26 ways to put together your class schedule and manage your time now that you’re a big kid.

  1. Don’t schedule any classes at 8am.  Your teachers don’t grade on a “how hungover is this kid?” curve.
  2. If you do have an 8am class, for the love of Kaepernick make sure it’s not a 4 days a week class.  You do that and you’re just asking for your roommate to taunt you with “I didn’t even wake and bake until you were done with Spanish for an hour.  An hour bro”.
  3. Unless you work 40 hours a week, night classes should not be an option. You’ve got babes to swoon and beer to drink. and we’ll guarantee that 95.4% of the time, you won’t even show up.
  4. Take the time to go to welcome week.  In 20 years no one will give a shit what hi-jinks Peter got into on TBS’ re-run of family guy.  But everyone wants to here about that “busting out of her shell” girl from Alaska you hooked up with at the pancake breakfast.
  5. 50 minute classes =  Best.Thing.Ever.  It’s just the right amount to go on youtube without getting bored.
  6. You may not realize it but you’ve been living a lie these last 18 years.  The weekend doesn’t start on Friday, it starts Thursday at about 3:00.  All of the best parties, drink specials, and Greek Balls happen on Thursday nights.  I’m not sure why this is the case, but I’m glad it is. Don’t schedule class on Friday.
  7. And if you do schedule class on Friday it better not be after 10.  Campus turns into a ghost town every week Friday after 12:00.  If you do have a Friday afternoon class it will just be you, a big group of asian kids who are always smoking, and football players wandering around the library trying to figure out how to get out of practice.

    The quad on friday afternoons (for the most realistic listening re-creation, imagine that indian flute noise playing the background as you look at this picture)

  8. If you’re going to rush, take your time to test out all of the frats and let them woo you a little bit.  However, please be aware of the blurry line between wooing, and some brother from SAE trying to put his finger inside you.
  9. Always take time to check out the latest edition of Coffin & Keys.  C&K is just  like the Nevada Space Suit, but with 3 times the same recycled dick jokes and absurd amounts of derogatory comments about women… and almost half the funny.
  10. Don’t believe me? I haven’t seen this edition yet but I can guarantee there will be at least 3 jokes about getting some Baberaham Lincoln and/or phi delt to “slob your knob”
  11. . One out of four freshmen fail out after their first semester.  LEAVE  TIME TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK. I can guarantee you that the fun you’ll have the  four to five years you’re in college will more than make up for you missing the totes rad kegger at the Edge apartments while you studied for your math test. Also, I’m sure you’ll enjoy that 3 million dollars more you’re expected to earn over your lifetime if you finish. P.S. the keggers at the Edge are never that rad.
  12. Freshman year is just the beginning. Usually junior year (20-21, IF YOU STAY ON TRACK) is generally your peak. You’re socially established, you’ve grown into your looks (aka shed the freshman 15) and you’ve mastered the hangover.
  13. The closer you are to being late to your class, the more the shuttle driver will screw around.  The same people who won’t wait 5 seconds for you at 12:45 are feeling easy like a Sunday morning at 12:58.

    Not breaking a lot of land speed records.

  14. Don’t buy the hype, you really only have to do laundry twice a month.  Boxers work just as good inside out.
  15. If you want to get a treadmill at Lombardi don’t go around five.
  16. If you want to see boobie-bouncing city (the best of all cities), only go to Lombardi around five.
  17. All this spare time you have now?  Do something fun or creative with it.  You can play Call Of Duty 2 your whole life.  But only in college can you take a body painting class you find on Craigslist (although don’t actually do that example, going to a body painting class you found on Craigslist sounds like getting the carpool lane to your own murder).
  18. Don’t go to the Overlook around noon if you have somewhere to be in an the next 30 minutes.  Between glut of people trying to get good Chinese food (wayyyy better than Panda express) and the general malaise/third grade level of change counting of the checkout people, it’s gonna take a while to get out of there.
  19. Get your free football and basketball tickets early.  Nothing sucks like having to stand in line (and away from the tailgating area) to pay $5 for a ticket you could’ve got for free if you hadn’t been so busy watch The Price Is Right.
  20. That being said, still take time to watch The Price Is Right.  Ain’t no party like a TPIR party.
  21. If you happen to be drunk somewhere out of Sierra Spirit range.  Wait.  Use this time to wander around, bum some cigs, and catch up on your drunk dials.  The time spent sobering up will be no where near the time of community service you’ll have to do if/when you get a DUI.
  22. The shuttle ride up to the health center is always worth it for the free condoms.  Definitely shorter than a ride to the coat hanger and poison store.
  23. If you spend more than an hour per day thinking about marijuana procurement you’re in big trouble.
  24. Schedule your classes with your friends now.  Chances are you’ll all have different majors and English 102 is going to be your last hurrah before you’re going to have to branch out and start doing group projects with kids who must be here on some sort of retarded kid outreach program for people who don’t do any of the work.
  25. Don’t dedicate to much of your time freshmen year to one boy or girl.  There’s 17,000 people at this school. You’re 18 years old and way to young to be making any kind of commitment now.  Get out there, meet people, befriend someone from another country, hook up with a fat chick, it’s all good baby, you’re in college now, get out of your shell.And P.S. if the boy or girl you’re dedicating all this time to is still in high school… Just stick a butt plug in yourself and change your name to Sapphire. It would be a lot less gay then what you’re doing now.

    Hi, my name is Constance. I want to talk to you about prom committee and ruin your life.

  26. Save up your STD tests for the free testing weeks at the health center.  It’s kind of like cashing in all the points on the mac and cheese boxes all at once.  Except instead of a cheap bike, you get herpes medicine.

You may have heard that Boise State has officially left the WAC.  After next year they will officially become part of the Mountain West Athletic Conference or MWAC (see it’s like WAC except with an extra M on the front, so you know its better).  You might be a little confused by all this, how should you feel?  Happy?  Sad?  A little constipated?  Well fear not intrepid reader, because in the following column the Nevada Space Suit will break down the pros and cons of the BS University and their decision to leave the WAC.

1. We can be King of the WAC

Pro: Not everybody gets this chance, I mean look at The Ohio State. They’ll definitely be National Champions, but WAC champs? No way. They’re so totes jeal.

Con: Being king of the WAC without Boise is like being the smart kid on the short bus.

2. Having one of the most epic games of the season on Thanksgiving weekend was just a pain in the ass

Pro: We no longer have to juggle football and family. For some reason your mom just didn’t understand why “that damn football game” was so important and why you wouldn’t come home to see her. Ya, we’re saying you’re mom is dumb.

Con: Now you’ll have to talk to her.

3. So long, smurf turf.

Pro: I’m pretty sure the paint on it was lead based, which may be why all the Broncos always had those glossy dead eyes and the cheerleaders had that angry caveman look.

Con: I’ll have less occasion to say the word smurf next year, leaving me that much more dead inside.

4. We don’t have to deal with Boise and their disturbingly large pack of traveling fans.

Pro: This suggests that there may not in fact be too much to do in Boise on the weekend. (Or ever). But now we won’t ever have to walk into a packed Mackay Stadium that has more fans cheering for the away team than cheering for the Pack.

Con: We’ll also never get to walk into a packed Mackay Stadium again.

5. We won’t have two rivals anymore

Pro: We can finally put all of our hatred filled energy where it rightfully belongs: slurred drunken put downs solely aimed at those failures at UNLV, who will one day bag my groceries.

Con: There’s a very real danger that Fresno will now become our biggest rival.  We have officially dropped from middle class to white trash.  In dorm terms we’re moving from Nye to Juniper.  Yeah, maybe now you get how serious this is.


Now that we’ve had a good laugh,  I think it might be possible that some of you out there still don’t quite comprehend what this does to Nevada football.  The WAC was like That 70’s Show.  Okay, it wasn’t a huge deal American Idol or 24, but people still knew who we were and thought we were pretty swell guys.

In this analogy the university is Fez, popular, but not Kutcher.  Boise State leaving is like when Eric and Kelso got too big for the show and left in season seven.  UNR, like Fez gets more storylines and is now the main character on the show.  The only problem is no one effing cares about that show anymore.  Let’s be frank, finally scoring with Jackie (winning the WAC title), isn’t quite as impressive when there are only 2 dudes on the show (that being said I would give my left arm to hook up with Jackie Burkhart).

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

We know you’ve been wondering and yes, you will still be “popular” enough  next year to get into the student section at football games even though you don’t go to school anymore. Let go already.


Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Look you’re never gonna be famous.  Save us all the trouble and don’t move to LA for 5 years to “spread your art”.  Just cut out the middle man, apply to be the assistant manager at Chili’s and develop a minor drug problem.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

Well, you’ll gain two things on graduation day. One, is your degree – the other – is a DUI and Mugshot Graduation photo. Thought you were gonna be one of the lucky ones that got  through your whole college experience with out one? Too bad.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

I don’t know.  Captain of a shrimp boat?  Due to the continuing oil spill this is now impossible.  New advice, Become an oil spill insurance salesman.  People are freaked out right now,  strike while the iron is hot.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Graduation will be the hardest for you.  You partied harder and had more fun than the Leos and the Geminis combined.  But every ride has to end sometime.  Have fun adjusting to the real world.  Out there, you’re just another short guy with a liberal arts degree.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

Hellooooo post-college depression.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

A fast paced life of excitement awaits you in marvelous New York City!  There you’ll be living the life, riding the…. ah who are we kidding.  You’re gonna marry your gf, knock her up and stay in Reno.  It’s cool. Maybe when you’re 40 the weather will get nice.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

So you failed accounting?  Well good thing you’re hot and can marry a rich guy.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

You’ll be mauled and eaten by a brood of alligators.  Don’t blame me I’m just the messenger…

Aries (March 21-April 19):

You haven’t found a job yet and you’re certainly not going to find one in the next 3 days.  You’re gonna have to move back home.  Fair warning, hearing your roommate have sex through the wall the last 3 years has not prepared you for hearing your mom give it up to her new boyfriend Stephon.  Fucking Stephon.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

Grad school huh? Just an FYI- not as  drunkenly irresponsible as undergrad.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Scorpio just wants your money but go with it.  She’s hot.

Basketball Players (Jan 1-Dec 31)

Oh wait never mind.  None of you stick around long enough to graduate.  Again have fun in Germany.


Oh and you’ll all get fat.  Congratulations Everybody!

Alot of your friends are done with their finals, but your still here.  Well so are we.  PS how much did that weekend suck studying?  Well if, like us you were studying for financial accounting, it was awful.  To put said awfulness into perspective, here’s a list of things you could’ve done this weekend that would NOT have been as bad as studying.  Enjoy (if you’re still capable of such an emotion).

1.         Putting off studying for your finals.  You know, like last weekend.

2.         Feel what its like to have your soul slowly die (oh wait that actually happened, nev mind).

3.         Leaving school a year too early, not getting drafted and spending the next 15 years playing for 30,000 Euros a year on some weirdo German basketball club.  Gutentagg err Luke.

4.         Suffering through “The Backup Plan” with your Mom on Mother’s Day when you know if you were sitting 100 feet to your left you could be watching Iron Man 2. Spoiler Alert on The Backup Plan, J-Lo and the random guy overcome her pregnancy and end up together in the end.  Spoiler Alert 2: J-Lo falls down in front of the guy and its so totally embarrassing and hilarious.

5.         Getting 3 pages of your Econ term paper typed on the Knowledge Center computer when it suddenly shuts off because its midnight (even though its open until 2:00am) and getting the opportunity to start all over again.

6.         Triple bypass surgery

7.         Accidentally wandering into Lawrence Taylor’s hotel room.

8.         If you hadn’t remembered that the whole reason you came to Wal-Mart on Saturday was to get Plan-B.  You would’ve walked out with 6 pairs of socks, a national enquirer, and a new responsibility.

9.         Being a student at UNLV for up to 10 minutes (but only if it was during Summer and you were back home.  And only if your parents live in a mansion).

10.       Literally anything else not named above.

Hey.  How ya doin?  Oh what you’re just chilling in the library right now studying for some final and doing all the homeworks you put off doing this semester b/c you were too busy playing Words With Friends? Yeah, us too.  The Library is a fickle place come finals time.  Theoretically it is the best place to get work done, but realistically everyone is there and it’s kind of a marvy scene.  Fun fact: during finals, the Knowledge center becomes one of the 10 most populous cities in Nevada.  Move over Goldfield.  Anyway, to commemorate this time-honored struggle that takes place between studying and procrastination that takes place here every spring, The Nevada SpaceSuit presents to you: The Things You Did In The Library  Today When You Should Have Been Studying.

1.  Spent 20-30 minutes getting “situated” and “ready to study” (BS by the way, we both know you could’ve started right away and actually got something done before 11:00).

2. Saw someone you haven’t seen in forever one floor up. Thought about going to say hi, decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

3. Watched people out that window for no less than 13 minutes. Hopefully you were making up their conversations in your head.

4. Spent way too much thought trying to figure out how bad for you those Funyuns were before finally deciding they could be 1,000 calories each and you still would take it over the salad in the weirdo coffee shop in the Library.  From there you’ll ponder further and wonder why the university decided to put its only two decent coffee shops within 50 feet of each other.  Solid business model there guys, it’s so weird we’re losing money….



5. Watched a group of 6 huge football players take a lap of every floor, talk to everyone they know, and then leave.

6. Every quiz ever on Facebook. And 3-4 tweets every 20 minutes about how #finalzsux

7. Played the eye contact game with the cute girl three tables away. Eventually you made eye contact too many times and it crossed the line from flirty to rapester-y.

8. Make a fort out of binders, folders and texts books

9. Think about just walking out right now, leaving your books. Try to convince yourself how much you would really like life as a trucker.

10. Wish you weren’t so hungover from  cinco de mayo.

11. Trying to figure out why Colin Kaepernick STILL hasn’t called. That vision board sucks.

BETRAYAL!!!!


12. Thinking how cool it’d be if you had that remote from “Click” so you could just fast forward the next 7 days.

13. Not really. Why don’t you just fast forward through your whole college career while you’re at it.

14. Got to the end of the latest NSS article and think two things: 1. Wow, they actually made it 300 words without making a Home Alone 2: Lost In New York Joke.  And 2. Well that could have been funnier, good thing this ish is free. Merry Studies you filthy animal (ratta-tat-tat).

Whether you find it a blessing or a curse (much like my period most months) Dead Day 2k10 is on Cinco de Mayo. Some of you have the freedom to get completely annihilated all day long because you’re still in English 098 or your professors are total hippies. Well some of us don’t have that luxury. So for those of you who can’t celebrate one of the holiest of drunk holidays, we’re gonna help you out. How to incorporate the Cinco de Mayo fun into your dead day.

Numero Uno: Bring your blender to the library. Mix your Red Bull with a little tequila and put sugar (or adderall) on the lid. Muy Bueno.

Numero Dos: If you don’t already, refer to Manzanita Lake as Lake Titicaca for the day. (OK so it’s not in Mexico, but it made you giggle)

Numero Tres: When you see somebody doing homework, swoop in and take their work, doing it faster and cheaper.

Numero Quatro: Wear a Mexican flag as a cape and scream      “viva la Mexico!”     during the undie run

Numero Cinco: Consider the historical ramifications of the small Mexican force holding off the mighty French army at the battle of Pueblo. J/K , don’t ask why it’s here, just enjoy that it is here.

Numero Seis: Grow a mustache. (Boys or girls)

Numero Siete: Show up three turbo Coronas deep and in a sombrero to all your study groups

If you can combine numbers 6 & 7 please do

Numero Ocho: Cross out Irish on all your St. Patrick’s day stuff and write Mexican.  Because what is Cinco De Mayo really except Mexican St. Patricks’ day? The only difference is this one doesn’t have a pretentious color scheme.

Numero Nueve: Make a Mexican Mariachi Band music playlist on your iPod. The sound of the maracas are mesmerizing

Numero Dias: When randomly hooking up with some rando in the library to relieve some of the tension of this f&^*$in’ calculus test, use the rhythym method instead of a condom in honor or our neighbors to the south and their religiously happy-go-lucky approach to contraception.

Numero Oncé: Lean Like A Cholo

It’s finally happened.  Our increasingly inept Governor and the state congress that doesn’t have the spine to propose BASIC INCOME TAXES THAT 47 OTHER STATES HAVE during a time when the state was almost $900 million short in revenues.  (PS If you want the funny stuff, now would be the time to skip ahead and scroll down). This is the equivalent of not having enough money to buy your kids food, but then skipping the extra shift your boss offered you because you think if you work too much your kids will be mad.   The kids won’t be mad!  They’ll understand!  All kids want is chicken nuggets!  The level of incompetence in this state’s leadership is at an all time high.  Don’t believe us?  Check out the list of programs that are on the chopping block (at least half of these are gone).

The following degrees would be reviewed for potential closure:

  • Bachelor’s degrees in animal science and animal biotechnology, the minor in animal science and the master’s in animal science
  • Bachelor’s degrees in agricultural and applied economics, the minor in agribusiness, the bachelor’s degree in environmental and resource economics, the minor in natural resource and environmental economics, and the master’s and doctorate in resource economics
  • Master’s degrees in all education counseling fields, education· specialist, and teaching English to students of other languages in the College of Education, as well as all doctorate-level degrees in the College of Education
  • Minor, major and master’s degree programs in German studies, French and Italian through the Department of Foreign Languages and Literatures
  • Bachelor’s degree in interior design
  • Doctorate degrees in anthropology, history and political science, master’s degree in philosophy and master’s degree in speech communication
  • Bachelor’s degree in supply chain management
  • Bachelor’s degree in statistics and a master’s degree offering with a statistics concentration.

And oh yeah, also the entire college of CABNR!  An entire college?  But we’re still building a new math and science building in the south of campus?  Sure why not.  Anyway, we’re upset, and frankly you should be too.  These decisions are going to cripple this state in the short and long terms.  But maybe you, our precocious and intrepid reader, don’t see just how bad these cuts were?  Well fear not revered companion, to put this decision in perspective, we here at the NSS offer you:

Decisions that made more sense than the budget cuts (enjoy)

a.  Deciding not to try to avoid that iceberg and just power through.  I mean hell, the Titanic’s unsinkable right?

b. Jake picking Vienna last night on the bachelor.  She’s at least hot and has that crazy look that I kind of dig.  I don’t dig anything about cutting Supply Chain Management.

c. Pete Best quitting the Beatles in 1961.

d. Chamberlain making concessions to Hitler.

e. Bill Clinton scoping his interns  and thinking “It’s not like anybody would find out”

f. Staying with that girl for so long after she introduced you to her 8 cats and told them you were going to be their “Daddy”.

g.  The series of decisions that led to the Halle Berry “Catwoman” movie.

h.The professor in the class I’m in right now waking up one morning and saying, “You know what?  From now on, only Tommy Bahama shirts.  I just don’t give a rat’s ass anymore.”

i. Saved by the Bell “The College Years”

Courtesy of ShareTV.ORG

j. Me asking for a Dreamcast instead of an N64 back in ’99.

k.  Rita Revolta deciding against attacking say Washington D.C. or Tokyo in favor of sending monsters down to Angel Grove every week (which apparently she was convinced was a big military strategic point for the U.S.)

l.. Getting pregnant on purpose so your boyfriend would stay with you. A baby fixes everything!

m. Blaming McDonalds for America’s rapid obesity rates, when  it’s clearly Michael Jordan’s fault.

n. Tilikum, the largest whale in captivity deciding to drag and drown his SeaWorld trainer in front of a bunch of little kiddies and basically euthanizing himself.

o. Majoring in music and thinking everything’s gonna turn out fine…    (You know what? Nevermind.  Their program didn’t get cut.  Maybe they’re smarter then we all thought.  Hats off to you guy who thinks majoring in French Horn is a better plan than just getting started on your career at Red Robin now).

p. Electing Jim Gibbons.

q. Jesus letting Judas into his crew.

r. Betting my tuition money on the Nevada v. SMU Bowl Game.

s. Fox canceling Family Guy and Arrested Development so they’d have more room in their lineup for gems like Andy Richter Controls the Universe and Titus.

t.  The Power Ranger’s decision to not just get the Mega Zord out right away.  They’ve suffered so many explosions on their chests and allowed, what at this point has to be billions of dollars in property damage, all due to their prideful reluctance to just get out the power sword 5 seconds into every fight.  Hey Jason, we get that you can do a lot of flips and they’re awesome, but how about you just save the town and then we can all watch you do karate down at the highschool/rec center/ juicebar/ whatever the hell that place is exactly where you all hang out.

u. Putting your dick in a blender

v.  Graham-Leach-Bliley de-regulating financial boundaries and encouraging institutions to over-lerverage themselves on high-risk subprime mortgage security bundles…Oh wait no one understands what that means?

Okay, then how about Aladdin not freeing the Genie when he said he would and letting Jafar steal the lamp.

w.  Parents who let their kids get into competitive luge(assuming these parents don’t hate their children and want them to die, if they do want them to die then this is a great move).

x. Looking at the young, hilarious Co-Co O’brien and thinking “Nah you know what though?  At least 15 people in America think Jay Leno’s funny.  Yeah he may be almost 60, but I really want to see when that weird black spot on his head finally goes white.  Screw it, let’s keep him.”

y. Britney Spears going with a winner like K-Fed instead of Justin Timberlake.

z. Mary-Todd Lincoln pushing so much to go to the theater instead of agreeing to just staying in, renting a movie and ordering Chinese food.

Hopefully by now you’ve seen the video of Governor Jim Gibbons being interviewed/surprised by the Las Vegas Now I-Team as he got home from the airport the other night.  If not go ahead and watch it here.


Okay did you watch it?  Good.  I know, we can’t believe it either.  How is this guy really the one making the decisions on which of our state programs to cut?  Further more, how did he even get elected?  We aren’t positive on either of these but if we were speculating on the latter we’d say he got elected based on an elaborate double dare.



To help you try and make some sense of this, the Nevada Spacesuit is presenting this, a play-by-play analysis of what is clearly the saddest (and most unintentionally hilarious) video since “Leave Britney Alone.”



0:02 – We start off with a bombshell as Gibbons gets off the escalator. He’s wearing his sunglasses indoors like he thinks he’s Stevie Wonder. On the step directly behind him we see his main squeeze Kathy Karasch.  Now I don’t know about you but if someone I know really well, say my like girlfriend, is on the step behind me I will notice her.  Keep this in mind as you listen to what he says next.


0:19 – A reporter (who we find out later is named Jonathan), approaches Governor Gibbons and asks him who he was travelling with on this flight. Gibbons responds with the can’t-be-construed-as-anything-but-no answer “What’s it to you?”. You can already see that the next five minutes are going to be filled with mature, gubernatorial conversation.


0:40 – After a couple more “What’s it to you’s?”  Governor Gibbons claims that taxpayers didn’t pay for “it”.  When pressed on who it was, Gibbons changes lanes without signaling and says that it was just him and security on the trip.


0:56 – After denying that Kathy Karasch was on the trip or plane with him, Gibbons alleges that she’s not even in the airport.  Remember earlier when we all agreed we would notice if our gf was on the step behind us we would notice? Apparently not this guy.


1:14 Gibbons refuses to state unequivocally that Karasch isn’t in the airport and changes the subject back to the taxpayer thing again.  Likely because we were all confused by what unequivocally meant.


1:24 – The Governor of our state says that Kathy Karasch (or K-squared) being on a flight with him paid for by the state would be “impossible”.  When asked why this is impossible he says “because it wouldn’t happen.” Hmmmm, not totally sure he gets what impossible actually means.  For something to be impossible it has to be something that you can’t do, not something you won’t do. You see, I wouldn’t jump onto the football field during a game and take pee on the big N.  But, I could do it if I wanted to.  Something you would not do is different than something you could not do.  Like how a rational person wouldn’t vote for a guy who is not only a speech plagiarizer, but once said “tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie, tie-dyed liberals [in Hollywood should] … go make their movies and their music and whine somewhere else,” adding, “it’s just too damn bad we didn’t buy them a ticket” to become human shields in Iraq. But he still got elected anyway.  See, not impossible.


1:32 – Jonathan: That wasn’t Kathy Karasch who came down on the flight with you?

Gibbons : No.


1:38 – We see Kathy Karasch walking to the baggage claim.  With the grace of Olympic medalist Evan Lysencheck she pirouettes away from the cameras and heads to the ladies room. Note that when she walks in she’s wearing a stylish white overcoat.


1:52 – After a few minutes of what had to be really uncomfortable creeping outside a women’s bathroom with two giant cameras  (no real way to not look pervy on that one), Karasch comes back out of the bathroom.  This time she’s wearing a brown jacket.  That’s right; K squared thought she’d duck the reporters by changing her jacket. Hey Kay Kay, do you know how the reporters knew it was you in the first place? Your face. Believe it or not they did not identify you by your jacket.  I can guarantee you that the RGJ has never ran a report with the headline “Gibbons sends over 800 text messages to a woman in a white coat”. Pretty sure they ran more along the lines of “Gibbons sends over 800 text messages to Kathy Karasch”.  So unless your plan for a disguise was donning a ski mask of some kind (inadvisable in an airport by the way), I’m not really sure what your angle was.


1:56 – Here’s where it really gets rough.  Reporter Jonathan begins interviewing K-2 as she borderline jogs out to the parking lot.  He starts peppering her with questions about where she was and if she was with the Governor. It’s here we find that K Dub has an interesting tell.  Every time she lies or tries to deny something, she starts off the sentence with “You know what…”. No fooling.  EVERY SINGLE TIME she’s denying something she says “You know what”.  Helpful tip in the event you find yourself in a game of high stakes poker with Kay Day.


2:38 – Starting off her third sentence in the last six with “You know what…” K squared claims that the reason she turned around to go back into the bathroom when the cameras got to her was that she probably forgot to wash her hands and she’s a very clean person. Two major problems with that statement. Firstly, did you go in the bathroom because you probably forgot to wash your hands or because you did forget to wash your hands? I know its late but this happened at most 5 minutes (or however long it takes to change a coat) ago, so you should remember why you went back in there.  Secondly, anyone who is a “very clean person,” does not forget to wash their hands when they exit an airport bathroom.  Some would argue that a “very clean person” does not even enter an airport bathroom.


2:47 – Getting Warm.  K squared throws out an absolute zinger by stating that maybe she was in Las Vegas (the origin of their connecting flight) because “You know what, I could’ve been in Las Vegas having tea with the first lady”. Hahahaha were Batman and the Pope at this tea party too? Because that had just as good a chance of happening. Here’s why that was a dumb thing to say:

1. Michelle Obama was seen at the Governor’s conference you didn’t go to so she wasn’t in Las Vegas.

2. You know who Michelle Obama did have tea with this week?  The Dalai Lama.  You don’t go from spiritual leader of Tibet to girlfriend of Governor with a 10 percent approval rating.  That’s like starting off the original “We Are The World” video with Lionel Richie and then doing the next one with Justin Bieber.  No one makes that transition (oh, wait…).


3:09 – She’s heating up.  After opening the trunk for no discernable reason K-K claims that the people of Nevada need to know that Gibbons is a “very honorable and trustworthy man.”  No comment on this one, there’s no way to make that statement more hilarious.


3:21- And she’s on fire!  Kay-Z brings it all home by saying “You know it doesn’t really matter who I spent time with.  I spent time with Arnold Schwarzenegger this weekend.  Does that matter to you?” Yes.  And you know why it does?  Because Arnold Schwarzenegger is not just the man who killed T-1000, he is also the governor of California.  Do you know where all the governors where this weekend?  That’s right, at the Governor’s Conference in Washington D.C.  Where you weren’t/totes were.

(Note, if Arnold actually sent a cyborg look-alike to the conference in his place and actually spent the weekend in the jungle with Apollo Creed killing Predators, and that’s where you were with him?  Then we apologize for everything and take the whole thing back.  You Miss are an American hero and we salute you. Buuuut, if you were both actually at the Governor’s Conference, than methinks we smell a fibber).


3:39 – A member of the Governor’s security detail helps the upset Karasch into the car.  Jonathan begins questioning him about what he’s doing, and he responds by saying, get this, “No comment”.  Jonathan pursues it and the agent walks away.  How is it that this guy is the only one who knows how to handle pesky reporters?  The Governor could have gone the same way and pleaded the fifth, but instead chose to straight up lie.  Has he never seen a cop movie?  Taking a step back, we’ve got to hand it to the security guard.  We actually feel bad for this guy, he’s just trying to do his job and help out the state of Nevada.  It’s not his fault the Governor wanted to bring his “good friend” to D.C. with him.  He’s just trying to help out and keep his head down.  We like him.  Plus, he reminds us of Jack from Lost so that makes us like him a little more.  If the election was tomorrow and only people featured in this video were running, we would definitely vote for this guy (or the scruffy guy holding the other camera, he’s got spunk).


4:20 – After yet another go around of the “was she with you?”, “she wasn’t in the conference”.  Gibbons walks up to THE SAME CAR K^2 got in and starts to load his bags.  Frankly I have to admit that at this point I was jealous.  You see, my girlfriend and I have a hard time coordinating our schedules, and we talk all the time.  But the Governor of our state and KK don’t have to.  They can not know where the other one even is for a whole weekend, stumble onto the same plane, ride down the escalator inches apart without even noticing each other, never say a single word to each other in the airport, and STILL end up in the same car. That my friends, is a level of coordination and planning abilities that I will just never have. So I want to take this moment to say: I’m sorry babe, I’m sorry we’re not as dialed in as Gibbons and his lady are.


4:39 – Gibbons keeps claiming Karasch wasn’t at the conference and Jonathan tells him that she claimed she met the Governor of California this weekend.  Gibbons takes a second to think about it, and then dead serious says “well she met him somewhere.”  It would seem the Governor is also unsure of just where the Kindergarten Cop was this weekend and may even possibly subscribe to our cyborg decoy/predator hunt theory.


5:11 – Gibbons tries to justify what he said earlier by claiming Kathy Karasch was not in D.C. and only joined him in Las Vegas.  Jonathan points out that this would still make his earlier statement that she was not in the airport a lie.


He then brings up the thing that we should be writing about, the fact that this week there is a special session to cut away $1 billion from Nevada’s state budget, a large piece of which Gibbons wants to come out of our University. When Jonathan asks him why he’s just now getting back from a trip on which he may or may not have been accompanied by a woman who was not his wife (because the divorce has yet to be legally finalized.  Classy.) the GibGov just loses it.  In what is probably his only candid moment of the interview, the Governor tells Jonathan that he is full of shit.

He just loves the piss out of that black turtle neck look


Now look, who would we be to criticize the use of colorful language?  We’ve used it ourselves in the past.  Sometimes when you’re mad it just comes out.  We’ve sworn at calculus tests so we can certainly see him swearing at the kid who’s been grilling him and his (maybe) lady friend.  The swearing is not what we’re mad about. What we’re mad about is that this guy is going to try and get the legislature to cut funding for education this week.  He’s doing it because Nevada can’t raise the money that most states can because we don’t have income tax.  Gibbons thinks that adopting an income tax is impossible (because he wouldn’t do it) because businesses would not want to come here if we had one.  But you know what else would make businesses not want to come here? People who graduated from half a university. Other states have income taxes and businesses still go there.  But no business will go to a place that doesn’t the people who are trained to work there.


Cutting education is cutting our future.  It is cutting our children’s future and it is cutting any potential gubernatorial love child’s future.  We cannot in good conscience stand by while this liar who doesn’t understand how cameras work decides to cut education.  This guy is at the wheel, and it is irresponsible of us to let him drive us all off a cliff.  So write letters, call your state senators and protest the capital.  Make signs, start facebook groups, where bitingly clever t-shirts.  If we want Nevada to stay relevant past next Tuesday, we have to protect it from Fred Flinstone’s older, more confused brother.  This is your time, rise up and make sure that a guy who doesn’t even know how to tell a lie that makes sense doesn’t get his way.


Finally we leave you with this: If you get active and education doesn’t get cut, we promise that we will take you to a tea party in Las Vegas with Michelle Obama.

February Horoscopes

February 8, 2010

February is the month of the Aquarians. Therefore, these horoscopes are going to be right on the nose. Like, I’d take us seriously this time or something will happen to you. We’re just not sure what.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

Hello, beautiful. You know, you look absolutely stunning this whole entire month.

We’re gonna pump our egos a little bit.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Go against the grain, skip the roses and chocolates for Valentine’s Day and instead get her a toupet and an Asian grad student to write her stump speeches for President’s Day.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

If we were to compare your life to a point in the first Bill and Ted movie, we’d say you’re right about to kidnap Abraham Lincoln from his office.  It’s kind of a lull right now but in a little bit you and all your wacky time traveling friends are gonna hit the mall and shit is just gonna go bananas.

ps. if you had a time machine and you use it to bring Abraham Lincoln all the way to 1988 to help with your history report wouldn’t you at least have the decency to give him the heads up on the assassination attempt coming his way in a few months?  It really seems like the least you could do.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Pancreatic.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

If you bet on the Saints this week you’re gonna win huge.  Wait what?  We should’ve remembered to publish this before the Super Bowl.  Dang.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

Just walk around campus listening to “Hot in Herrre” and and “Pimp Juice” on a loop.  Your week will be better.  Like alarmingly so.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

You’re gonna do something very bad and very illegal.  And you’re definitely gonna smell like pumpkins and shame afterwards.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

Be someone other than Lui Kang on Mortal Kombat this weekend.  We’re not impressed that you can shoot a lot of fire balls. It’s forward-forward-high punch, we know, we’ve known since 1991.  Grow up holmes

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

I don’t care what your girlfriend says she’ll let you do after, if you go to “Dear John” you might as well be cutting your penis off and running it up a flag pole for all to see.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

Someone who knows your deepest darkest secret will approach you about it.  You should just come clean and save yourself the embarrassment of a poorly thought out lie.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Awesome Ed Hardy shirt brah.  Also totes diggin’ the spikes up top with the oaks on the beak.  Let’s pump up the Creed and blow this joint.

Aries (March 21-April 19):

Make Saggittarius’ think that you know their deepest secrets.  They will spill everything.  And if we have to tell you to blackmail them after than you need this horoscope more than we imagined.

So although our blog is hilarious and we’re rapidly approaching world wide fame with 268 Facebook fans,  it’s not always an easy life. We tend to be offensive, obnoxious, biased, funny, spiteful, single minded and most importantly, filled with this unshakable Pack Pride. (suck on that UNLV). But, turns out not everybody is on Team NSS. To show you the rough life we lead (sex, drugs and blog rolls) we’ve posted some of our best hate mail. And of course, our responses.

From: John Wilkins afconnery@unr.edu 134.197.22.10

Your article contains the following error:
“Not only is today the Nevada SpaceSuit’s birthday, but it is also Veteran’s Day. That’s right, we have the same birthday as the armed services”

The armed services came about with the creation of the United States Army on June 14th, 1775. I thought you guys were in college. You couldn’t even research a rather easy topic like Veteran’s Day. It was made to honor veterans.

So, next time you want to go out and act like idiots, don’t do it while you claim to be this great free media. You give intelligent free-thinkers a bad name.

Our response:

Our dearest John Wilkins,

We are so sorry for offending you. We’ll have our editors fix it right away! But to tell you the truth, Wikipedia was down that day so we just made it up. Kinda like the rest of this blog…

But how’s this for some research? We didn’t want to let you down again.

Name: CONNERY, FREDERICK (FRED)

Title: ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT III

Department: CAMPUS RECREATION & WELLNESS

Mail Stop: 0422
Location LRC230

Phone: (775) 784-1546

Fax: (775) 784-1330

Email: fconnery@unr.edu

Oh, and we’re lovin your user pic http://www.facebook.com/fred.connery?ref=nf



From: Sir Thomas More ertnlv89@gmail.com

At least the Red Cannon looks better then the puke paintjob UNR puts it on it. Must be the budget cuts.

Our Response:

Thanks for chiming in Sir Thomas. I must tell you we’re honored that you took time off from battling the evils of Lutheranism to time travel forward to 2009 to weigh in the color of the cannon (which in all honesty must be surprising to you in many ways, as cannons will not be introduced in Europe until after you die. For serious, are you having an Encino Man going to the amusement park with Pauly Shore moment right now?). Anyway, two points on what you just said:
1. 63 points on 773 yards. Go ahead and read that again.
2. I have to question your diet if your definition of normal puke color is a majestic navy blue. We’re not sure what you’re eating but maybe you should try getting some more fruit in there or something bro.

Majestic Navy Blue is an Understatement

Okay, and sometimes (about as often as I get that weird rash) we get some fan mail:


From: Little Blogdorf blogdorf.wordpress.org mike@lilwal.com

Nice poem. Dr. Suess meets Dr. Dre. I always thought the only thing missing from Suess books were gratuitous vulgarity. Well done. Keep up the good work.

Our response:

Thanks Blogdorf,
Like both Doctors, Seuss and Dre, we are in fact straight outta Compton. So I guess it’s just in our DNA.

From: Caitlin Cakey56@hotmail.com

Just wanted to let you guys know how much this blog kicks ass. It kinda made me want to start writing at the University. Wow, I know. A little intense. But its true. I write the sex column for the UNR Sagebrush and I try to keep it silly and edgy (well, as much as I can get away with at the fucking Sagebrush. Ha ha. Keep up the good shit and check out my writings if you are ever bored. Also, I’m always down for advise from a more experienced writer as I am totally new to this.
-Caitlin Thomas
ps-WHO ARE YOU GUYS? Haha

Our response:

We really appreciate those kind words Caitlin. But to tell you the truth, it’s making me uncomfortable. I only know how to put people down and make sarcastic comments (call me a passive aggressive, if you must). So in all honestly, I’m gonna have to make this short. So thanks for the fan mail, keep up your creepy sex columns for the Sagebrush (I’m sorry, I’m just not as open with my sexuality as you are after the third baby-scare). And seriously, don’t rely on us for inspiration to “kinda make you want to start writing at the University” – we’re an unreliable source (as John Wilkins will confirm) and really we’re mostly drunk.

It’s the first day of school and there’s things to be done.  If you don’t get all the things done you need to now before homework and CH induced apathy, you never will.  So here the Nevada Space Suit presents your guide to the first day of school.

Happy to be here

1.  Take something for your hangover and be thankful you’re not some naive freshmen who thinks they should take 8 o’clock classes anymore.

2. Shave, have some self respect you scruffy bastard.

3. You’re also probably gonna want to switch from last month’s schedule of changing your underwear every five days to a more respectable 2 day chones max.

4. Don’t feel like you have to take all your old notebooks out of your backpack just b/c its a new semester, there’s still at least 15 pages left in the back of the yellow one.

5. Hit Trojes.  Going here every day will remind you why its worth it to be a Finance Major.

6. See a kid from your accounting class last semester who you don’t really know but recognize.  Make eye contact and realize they also recognize you but are unsure of how to handle this situation.  Pretend you’re getting a call and look down at your phone.

7. Go to Lombardi and burn off the all the fat that accumulated while you were playing Dragon Age and eating Cheetos with your boy Keith.  You already didn’t go the whole year without drunk dialing an ex, lose some weight and keep at least one of those New Year’s resolutions dammit.  Also, for the first two week that place is hot chicks on elliptical machines city, enjoy it while it lasts.

8. Freshmen, stay with your girlfriend.  This isn’t like the beginning of fall semester where a halter top parade marches through the quad every day.  Stay the course and wait it out until you end up making out with some chick from Wisconsin in a Cabana at Spring Break (more on girls and how the state they are from corresponds with their level of sluttiness on Spring Break coming at a future date).

9.  If by chance, you wrote a mean letter to Vai Taua that was seen by 500 people, and he DIDN’T end up leaving school, avoid him like the effing plague.  You can’t out run him so you’ll probably need to hide.  We suggest the Library.

10.  Make a first day of school playlist.  If you’re doing it right here are the tracks you should have:

  • OMC “How Bizarre”
  • Kesha “Tic Toc” (ps put it on now, b/c in three weeks this’ll be all the way played out, unless its the remix w/Pitbull, then you have like 2 more months.)
  • Electric SweaterVest Experience “January IS Sex Month”
  • Harry Potter Soundtrack “Theme Song From the Half Blood Prince” (watch UNR become Hogwarts before your muggle eyes.  Start with Glick as Dumbledore and it all just flows from there.
  • “Somebody’s Watching Me (Geico Remix)” 
  • The rest is up to you, we can’t all have the same playlist or it’ll turn into “1984” choose your own wild card.

11. Don’t be that prick who raises his hand every ten minutes on the first day.  Nobody likes that guy. Instead be the chick who’s thong hangs way out of her pants  in the front row, everybody loves her.

The 00’s are winding down faster than your Dad after a hard day at the mill… and we can’t believe it’s over.  A lot of sweet ass stuff happened this decade: first black president, puberty, going to college, B2K, you participating in your first make shift abortion, Jersey Shore, etc.  Everyone and your  mom is doing a list about the best of this decade.  Not the Nevada SpaceSuit.  Instead, we are going to give you our top predictions for things that will happen in the upcoming decade.  As evidenced by our horoscopes we’re bordering on Miss Cleo levels of psychic ability (secretly hardest word ever to spell right on the first time: psychic), so you should really pay attention. So here it is, our top alphabet list (this one goes all the way to Z!) of “The Teens: the stuff that’s 100% for sure happening in the next decade”

A. With the apocalypse upon us, God asks for his voice back from journalism professor Paul Mitchell.

B. You get married.

C. You get divorced.

D. The Nevada SpaceSuit still has a readership of under 200 people.

E. Mattel perfects and then mass markets hoverboards by 2015.  This one has to happen so that Back To The Future II can come true-although that’s actually true for a lot of things…

F. NEVADA finally adopts a hand gesture that looks like an actual wolf and stops stealing Texas’ hook ’em horns gesture.

G. Chris Ault introduces a new offense.  This one’s called WINNING.

H. Sales of Call of Duty will surpass most European nation’s GDP’s

I. Soccer will finally fulfill its destiny and become the most popular sport in America.

J. No it won’t.  It’s gay.

K. The shuttle drivers figure out how to space themselves out from each other.

L. Sarah Palin loses the next election, my aunt Pam can’t believe it.

M. Nevada 2100 in the Sagebrush will have failed to get any of their predictions right.  Plus it still won’t ever be funny.

N. The Athletic Department will add another wolf mascot. Her name will be Alphina. You know, so Alphie can finally get laid.

O. Casey Stiteler will run and win the position of ASUN President. Everyone still thinks it’s Eli Reilly.

P. Someone from the basketball team actually graduates

Q. Phi Delt finally reestablishes contact with the mother ship

R. I finally make the transition into being the creepy old guy at the club

S. Marcellus Kemp stops to think about how much he misses college, but goes back to cooking the fries.

T. Reno is finally able to anticipate winter coming and gets their shit together with more than 9 snow plows for the whole city.

U. Tila Tequila finally finds true love

V. Kids will talk about Twilight was such a classic from “back in the day”.  You will just want to slap the shit out of these kids.

W. A couple football players wear something other than matching Nevada sweat pants.

X. They are immediately ostracized.

Y. ASUN vice President Charlie Jose has to start shaving more than once every 3 months.

Z. The real Mark Fox is found in a lab outside Fernley. It is revealed that an evil clone engineered by Utah State quit the coaching job at Nevada and everything in the world makes sense again.

That's me, the dumpy Chick on the Left

That's me, the dumpy chick on the left

You know what we love giving? Contrary to popular belief, it’s not money to the poor. Instead, it’s Advice. And do you know why? We’re obviously smart. I mean, we didn’t go to UNLV and we don’t know you so its not like we could hurt your feelings. So yes, we’ve started an advice column. Turns out our readers are extremely needy.

Q: I’m addicted to FaceBook. My grades are slipping and my parents have threatened to send me to rehab… What do I do?

A: DubTeeeEfff. They have a facebook rehab??? Dude, totes go and tell us all about it. And while you’re there get hooked on crystal meth so when you come back your parents understand what a REAL addiction is like.

Q: I heard Barbara Land is an easy teacher… is it true?

A: Well despite the many rumors floating through the world wide web, we’ve never actually had sex with her, but I heard she gives out A’s like candy.

Q: I’m afraid that when I graduate I won’t be able to find employment? What do you guys suggest I do to land a job?

A: Well the first thing is stop sucking so much. Next, I’d def say that you have a degree from THE University of Nevada, so you’re pretty golden. Oh, you didn’t graduate in the nationally ranked business, journalism or engineering schools? Yikes. Well, have fun riding out the economy.

Q:I’m thinking of proposing to my girlfriend, what’s a good romantic idea?

A: Oh GOD.  You’re one of thoseeee. You’re so in love, nothing will ever tear you apart.. and man, how lucky are you to find your soulmate at TWENTY. You do realize that if you die at 85, you have 65 more years with this person. Missing out is just the beginning. But really, good luck with that.

Let us count the ways…

October 2, 2009

The UNLV game is fast approaching and hate is in the air.  Beer will be spilled, punches thrown and members of the Blue Crew almost certainly incarcerated.  Yes ladies and gents, alcohol-fueled hatred runs a little higher this time of year on the Nevada Campus (a drunken anger rivaled only by the time the Davidson Academy kids found out they weren’t getting recess last April).  PS, totally not our fault.

If the good people of the University of Nevada had it their way we would live in harmony with our neighbors to the south.  Much like the way the US coexists with Mexico.  We acknowledge that the place up North is more of a place of learning, art, success, and not a ton of malaria and shit.  We also agree that the southern establishment is a nice place to go for a weekend for a boozer and some cheap hand jobs.  But other than that, not really somewhere you’d want to live.

So then why are things the way they are?  Why can’t Nevada and UNLV get along?  Well if it’s not us, then it clearly must be them.  And really it does make sense, number two is always jealous of number one. Its the same in everything, Pepsi always attacks Coke, Cobra always tries to take down GI Joe, your little brother resents you because you’re Mom’s favorite, we’ve all been there.

However before you get mad at the needless anger and contempt shown us by our poor brethren from the south, think about why they’re mad and maybe you’ll understand why it has to be this way.  We’re just better here.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.

But exactly how are we better, you ask?  Well compadre neither you nor I has time for that kind of comprehensive list (and in all honesty it remains unclear if the internet has the capacity).  But we here at NSS are more than happy to give you our favorite points of why every single student at the University of Nevada is superior to their lower latitude’d counterparts.

13. You had the ability the read this far with out stopping for a Sunny-D halfway down the page.

13a. You have the ability to read.

12. You only hook up with a skanky chick because you made a mistake.  They do it just by walking outside.

11. You live far far away from North Las Vegas and its crimes against decency.

10. They watch “Two And A Half Men” and just love the shit out of it.

9. Everyone in Vegas is always psyched to buy “30 Stones”.  Here we can keep it classy and just pour Capri-Sun in our vodka.

8. You didn’t cheer for Hexxus in Ferngully.

7. You have the correct amount of fingers.

7a. Your penis/vag is all one color.

6. You’re never in danger of being attacked by a white tiger or accosted by Criss Angel or any of that other weird magic show shit they have down there.

5. You’ve never cried because you’re worried Uncle Jesse might never forgive Michelle.

4.  Your student body has an Israelite at the reigns, they’re just better at shit like that.

3. When your parents say they love you, they mean it.

3a. unlv

2. You stop to smell the roses. They hide behind the 7-11 to smell permanent markers.

2a. You don’t think “If You Give A Moose A Muffin” as biting social commentary.

1. You know the Red Power Ranger always wished he was blue.

1a. The cannon looks way better blue (a red cannon? What kind of camouflage is that? Are we going to war with fucking Candy Land?)

1. Take a picture on the howling wolf statue outside of Mackay Stadium. The climb is tough and a little uneven, but the view is great. And the picture will be epic.

2. Do a round of shots (plural) with your friends and head on over to that 5:30 class. Not only will the teacher be 10 times as funny, but the guy next to you makes for an excellent vomit receptacle.

3. Swim to the bottom of Manzanita Lake. There’s treasure down there! Just kidding, that’s gross. And you will probably die.

4. Visit all the every all-you-can-eat events put on by Greeks. This means D-Hop, Sausage Fest, SKetti Night, The Great Salmonella Cook Out… just remember to drink before hand. Otherwise, the lines are unbearable and you’re in a Greek house. Lose-Lose.

5. Rush the field at Mackay Stadium after a big win (preferably UNLV). Its always a challenge to avoid getting trampled while drunk. There is also no greater sense of campus-community hugging and jumping up and down with the stranger next to you wearing a FUNLV shirt.

6. Go back to the dorm room you had freshman year and make new friends. Bring a six pack as a peace offering. You’d be surprised how much it hasn’t changed.

7. Go to the Planetarium and see Darkside of the Moon.. that shit is trippy.

8. Attend campus events. You pay something like $5 a credit to your student government (It’s called ASUN) so all the free stuff they do.. barbecues, t-shirts, rallies, awkward rides with Campus Escort… you already paid for. Get your money’s worth.

9. Visit Lake Tahoe. I’m not talking about going to the ski resorts to shred the gnar pow-pow. I mean that crystal clear, blue and  beautiful bounty of water.  Just watch out for Tahoe Tessie. I heard she bites. Big time.

10. How many times can you hear this one:  learn the fuckin’ Fight Song. It rhymes so it’s not that hard.

11. Carve your name in a desk some where in the Knowledge Center. The place still doesn’t even look used! We lost a lot of history when we moved from Getchell, so it’s time for you to make your mark. No pun intended. Or was it?

Over 400 students turned out to the capital on Tuesday to protest the budget cuts, announced in Governor Gibbon’s State of the State address.   The area in front of the capitol was packed.  However, one person was missing, our esteemed Governor Gibbons.  Apparently he was hiding in his office.  Now, he claims to care about nothing more than his constituents and the people in the good state of Nevada so what could have been keeping him?  It obviously must have been something good and we have some ideas what it could have been.  Normally this would be a top 10 list, but in honor of everything getting cut we decided to make it a Top 16(also we could only think of 16 things that made us laugh).  So here they are: the Top 16 things Gibbons was doing while he was hiding from the student protestors outside the capital on Tuesday:

Thanks for nothin!


16. Showing everyone how the months of hard work have paid off and he’s FINALLY  learned to Soldja Boy

15. Trying to figure out how to tell people that we’re missing money for higher education because he invested a lot of it with Bernie “sure thing” Madoff.

14. Checking his rankings on Compare People

13. Putting on his Snuggie so he can answer the phone without getting too cold.

12. Actually hiding.  We think maybe he was actually playing a game of hide and seek with his staff and the legislature.  If we had to guess we’d say Bob Beers is “it”.

11. Reading today’s Dilbert comic and shitting himself laughing.

10. Making the Flintstones car out of two eaten push-pops cones

9. Throwing darts at a picture of Jim Rogers.

8 Not implementing a 3% income tax (which is still less than what most other states pay), that would double the money we’re short on the budget.

7. Trying to finally beat “Frosty Village” in silver coin mode on Diddy Kong Racing.

6. Christy Mazzeo (his mistress, get it?)

5. Trying to figure how come whenever he says “that’s what she said.”, no one ever laughs and just looks at him really uncomfortably.

4.. Watching a Chinese boot-legged version of High School Musical 3 and constantly rewinding to the part with Zac Efron and his black friend dancing in the Junk yard.

3.. Looking at Vibe, wishing he could have candy paint on the Governor’s limo

2. Waiting to jump out and say “boo”

1. Crying while he drinks wine and listens to the theme song from cheers