Kaep Facts

November 10, 2009

In the words of Joe Santoro, “The strength of the pack is the wolf and the strength of the wolf is the KAP.” And we here at the Nevada SpaceSuit believe that.

Colin Kaepernick is an accomplished man.  He’s only 21 and already way more popular than you’ll ever be.  With football season in full swing he’s undoubtedly the big man on campus.

As such,  people know stuff about him.  Like that he’s already won WAC player of the week twice this season, that he was drafted by Major League Baseball but turned it down to play here, and that he looks slick in a full sweat suit and a matching hat.  However, there are other things about him that you may not know.

It is thought that these facts aren’t revealed because he would likely be forced immediately to leave Nevada and become either the governor or Iron Man.  But we here at the Nevada SpaceSuit are known for our Woodward and Bernstein level of investigative reporting.  We dug deep, and we found out that things that the government doesn’t want you to know about Colin Kaepernick.

kaep

Hottie, Hottie 2 by 4

15. He’s really left handed.  He only throws with his right so that he won’t break his receivers hands every time they catch a pass.

14. Can eat a bag of Pop Rocks with a can of Coke and barely even flinch.

13. Barry Bonds wasn’t on HGH, but he was regularly injecting himself with vials of Kaep’s sweat.

12.  In fourth grade he successfully pulled off the Powerline Dance at a school assembly (and if you don’t get that joke you haven’t seen the “Goof Troop Movie” recently enough.  In which case, come on, let out your inner child).

11. He once ate three plates of  those DC store chicken  tenders (that I swear to G are laced with LSD) and didn’t puke it all up like us mere mortals.

10.  He wears number ten.  Which all sixth graders know can be made to look like a wiener going into a vag hole.  Awesome.

9. The Pokemon? He caught ’em all.

8. He makes a really excellent Peach Cobbler.

7. He could throw the ball over them mountains.

6. If he didn’t shave between quarters Taua  would trip over his beard on every read option.

5. Is confident enough in his level of coolness to rock the Vin Diesel “I live my life a quarter mile at a time” era hair cut.

4. Him and Lippincott are buddies, they’re pals, they always work things out.  (You don’t get this one either?  Did you seriously never watch Goof Troop?  Did you grow up in the Amish country there, Jedediah?)

3. Made the Kessel run in only 11 parsecs.  Suck it Han Solo.

2. Once threw a pass so accurate, that not only did it go through the eye of a needle, but the iris and cornea as well.

1. The middle hour of “Dark Knight” is a word for word account of how he spent his summer vacation in ’07.

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