Well, can you say BRRRR?! That’s right. It’s bone chilling temperatures and high winds for us again here in Reno.  With the cold weather comes a few things, snowmen, hot chocolate, people from Vegas freaking out like it’s “The Day After Tomorrow” and a handful of mysterious kids in “pwned noob” t-shirts walking around seemingly oblivious to the fact they have boogers frozen to the sides of their face.  But more importantly than all of these things it’s gonna change the party scene.  These changes are subtle, but they are changes all the same.  And as always, your old buddies at the SpaceSuit feel obliged to help some bruthas out.  So without further merriment, pomp, or ado:

The 15 ways party life changes when the season turns cold.

1. You can no longer be so brazen with your outdoor “only when I’m drunk” cigarette smoking.

2. If outdoors, the Sophie’s choice between wearing a mitten while you drink your beer and potentially having it slip vs. frostbite.

-OR-

The choice is clear

3. It doesn’t really matter what you wear. A really cute dress, new jeans that make your ass look great or the pair of basketball shorts you stole from your last walk of shame. You’re gonna be effin bundled like your life depended on it. Because it does.

4. There is now ice everywhere on the ground, you should probably wear a helmet.

5. There’s going to be a lot of scraggly pirate beards. You know, the ones where all of the parts don’t connect. The younger boys are trying to keep their faces warm, but they don’t yet understand that the unconnected “fuzz islands” look has never got any one laid.

6. Winter always brings way more compromising spend the night situations because you look out side and think “I’m not fucking walking home”

7. Now there’s more opportunities for jokes about the Paul Walker feelgood hit, “Eight Below

he's definitely thinking about how to teach these dogs to tokyo drift

8.Drinking “more” doesn’t always mean it’s going to get warmer. I’m sorry but standing in the Truckee River with no pants will always be freezing.
Until you die.And you will

9. We’re pretty sure glass shatters faster when it’s cold. Uninhabited commercial space downtown.. watch out!

10. It turns into a survivor type situation where you get to watch which determined whore will keep slutting it up with a short dress the furthest into the winter. You may not agree with her actions but dammit you respect her.

11. No more random shirtlessness (unless you’ve really decided to commit)

12. Finally, the cold is on your side. Everyone is much more likely to say yes to “hey, do you guys want to come back with us and check out our hot tub?”

13. Corollary to the previous point: No matter how close their building is to their apartment’s jacuzzi, it will feel 10 times that distance when it’s snowy any you’ve drunkenly elected to make this journey barefoot. Oh, and their key to the gate will never work. Ever.

14. You start gradually depleting your Christmas present funds to buy people shots. Because what are shots but little presents anyway?

15. It’s now wayyyy to cold to hang out at the mostly outdoor freight house district. No more pretending to watch baseball while you get hammered until next year (oh wait, baseball is over? who the hell knew?)

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We know it’s Rivalry Week here at the University of Nevada and we clearly know what’s gonna happen on Saturday when we play beat the shit out of UNLV. And they’re probably really bummed about it because A. they know they’re going to lose B. We’re now ranked in the top 25 IN THE NATION. We can’t all be winners, but we’re glad we are. So, to make the ugly stepchild down south feel better, here’s a list of the things they’re in the top 25 for.

Seeeeee Yaaaaaaaaaaa

  • Clogged toilets in sororities (they claim it’s from Roberta’s Tacos but we’re pretty sure its the binge eating they all do after UNLV’s academic rankings come out).
  • Heroine usage on a college campus
  • Sales of Insane Clown Posse records per capita
  • Number of D-Bags that still quote Borat
  • Collegiate Greek Communities acting as petri dishes for the development and mutation of fun new STD’s
  • Laptops turned into the student tech center with hard drive failures directly related to Anime Porn
  • People who think the civil war isn’t over and that it’s “just half time” (don’t believe us? Check the mascot)
  • Clearly pro slavery

  • Most joint cases of auto-erotic asphyxiation and glue huffing
  • College Girls that think they’re hot, but they’re really just whores (note from male staff writer: those two things don’t always have to be mutually exclusive) (note from female staff writer: you’re gross)
  • Largest amount of “Mistake” tattoos.
  • Highest percent of student population who identify themselves as “attending their backup school”.
  • Major school in close geographic proximity to where Colin Kaepernick went to high school that didn’t offer him a scholarship.
  • Percentage of female students whose new “cover-up makeup” may actually be the beginning stages of jaundice
  • Largest amount of babies born abandoned in trashcans
  • Highest number of convicted pedophiles on one campus
  • Most number of Students who are Team Jacob
  • Most number of students who care about that
  • Percent of male student body who own at least 2 wigs
  • Stretch marks per square inch of sorority girl
  • That's at least a 7 down there

  • Future welfare recipients
  • Worst places to go to college
  • Least beautiful campus in America
  • Highest disparity between coolness of the campus and to the city it is in
  • Largest “Students for Sharon Angle” group in the world

And last, but not least….

  • Best place to take a roadtrip to when you know your school’s football team is going to abuse them like Lindsey Lohan abuses cocaine.

If any of you have been to any Nevada football games this year, you probably noticed two things.  One, at $7.50/beer the university is basically asking you to sneak in a flask.  And Two, Colin Kaepernick is a man among boys out there.  He truly is becoming a Wolf Pack legend.  But did you know oh unlearned one, that there is much more to young Colin than his dominance at the pigskin?  Read on dear friend, as the Nevada SpaceSuit educates you on the subject of #10, with part two of out Kaep facts.

  1. You can get pregnant just by reading about him.  Raise the child to be a masculine child.
  2. Would throw touchdowns to himself if it was allowed.
  3. When he was a kid, his dad didn’t take him fishing, they went lion-ing.  And yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like.  They killed lions.
  4. He is going to win the Heisman.
  5. Kaep, not Michael Jordan, was actually Bugs Bunny’s first choice to help defeat the Mon-Stars in “Space Jam”.
  6. He’s an unlockable character on Mortal Kombat 2.
  7. He doesn’t know it yet, but we’re getting married.
  8. The Warren G. and Nate Dogg hit “Regulators” is actually a detailed account of Kaep’s first day of fourth grade.
  9. The original design for Optimus Prime called for him to transform into not a truck, but into Colin Kaepernick.
  10. He cannot tell a lie.
  11. The military doesn’t actually have smart homing missile technology.  It just seems that way because they have Kaep throwing all their bombs.
  12. He knows every secret handshake.
  13. The man doesn’t even drive to school.  It’s faster when he sprints.
  14. He didn’t ever have to use a slammer in pogs.  He smacked those little novelty disc-shaped bitches with his mind.
  15. If Kaep were Harry Potter, he totally would’ve been getting it on with Hermione since at least the third movie.  Although there wouldn’t have been a third movie because Kaep would’ve just killed Voldemort when he was like six or seven.
  16. Just looking at Kaepernick is what turned Lindsay Lohan straight again.
  17. He was in the first draft of “The Expendables”, but had to be written out when he made everyone else appear too effeminate.
  18. He also invented iPod nano’s by squishing his first iPod between his pecs.
  19. He possesses a real ocarina of time.  And a bad-ass double sided light saber.  And a Delorean that travels through time.
  20. He’s just unbelievable at “Words With Friends”.
  21. He could kick Kellen Moore’s ass.

    This joker? Kaep could do it one handed

  22. If he were blue he would look surprisingly like an Avatar.
  23. He would be the best player on the Nevada baseball team.  If any one gave a shit about baseball anyway.
  24. He has more real friends than you have Facebook friends.
  25. He is probably a member of the Men In Black.  Remember that.  Just in case we ever face to face and make contact.
  26. Based on his arm strength and lithe build we’re just going to go ahead and assume he killed everyone at “butt’s up” in elementary school.

Dear Western Athletic Conference,


Wow, it’s so weird writing your full name like that.  I haven’t called you anything but Westy for the last however many years.  Wow, this is awkward, but I feel like we’ve been growing apart these last two years.  I don’t know if you’ve been getting that vibe too but if not I guess I wouldn’t be too surprised.  I feel like you’re just like, going one way and I’m going the other.  We’re like Kate and Sawyer, oh wait, you wouldn’t get that reference because you wouldn’t watch Lost with me.  You wanted to destroy my soul and speed up the apocalypse by making me watch the f&@$%ing Bad Girls Club with you on Tuesdays.  Why do I have to watch it with you?  I’ll just be in the other room and can come right over if, God forbid, there’s a really scary looking moth or something that I have to kill.  You watch what you want to watch, I’ll watch what I want to watch and we’ll meet at 11 to catch the Daily Show.  It’s the same when you make me hang out and watch Reba with you.  Newsflash, watching Reba marathons on the CW with you is my least favorite activity in the world and I’m 60% sure Reba is either the Anti-Christ or his herald.

Anyway we’re getting off topic here.  What I’m trying to say is it’s not you, it’s me. We’ve been growing apart and I’ve met someone else, their name is Mountain West Conference (MWC) or as I call them… Mounty <3. You planned to take us to cool, exotic places, Mounty actually does it. Now, every other year we’re going to be going to Las Vegas and San Diego.  You know, the places you always said we’d go before you ended up taking us back to Shitville, USA Moscow, Idaho for the 10th year in a row?  It’s just more exciting with Mounty. Call me old fashioned but you really can’t take someone to bowls in Boise that are sponsored by companies no one has ever heard of (how many MPC laptops have you seen popping up around campus?) and expect it to be exciting every time.  Not when the prospect of BCS bowls are right around the corner.


You never wanted to show me off.  I put together really good games to look nice for you.  Remember last year when I scored 70 points on San Jose State?  It was a great game, full of highlights, that I worked my ass off on.  And what recognition did I get?  A five second blurb 58 minutes into the midnight Sports Center?  What is that?  If Utah would have done that last year they would’ve got a full clips package in the first ten minutes with Lou Holtz creaming his pants halfway through and rambling on about how we remind him of his Jonny Unitas and the ‘59 Colts.  I want… no.. I DESERVE that kind of attention!  I try so hard to look good for you and you just don’t even care.

And I really hate your bitchy loser friends.  Half of perception is association.  And the conferences you’re most often compared with are losers like the Big West, Mississippi Valley Conference, and the West Coast Conference.  I cannot come back to the apartment again to find you, the WCC, and that  D-Bag Stevie Yanks stoned, eating dirty nachos off of our 2005 championship banner, and playing NCAA Football on the X-Box and not even playing as me!  Even when I’m in the room!  It’s like you don’t even care!  You want to play with Florida?  Is that what you want?  For me to be one of those slutty schools that pays it players and artificially inflates their grades so they can stay eligible?!? Well news flash Wack-o, Florida is a whore, but it’s a high-class whore who wouldn’t even look at you twice (and don’t pretend you only oogle them when you’re “playing with the fellas”, you know what pops up on your google search bar every time I’m looking for Flo-Rida videos?  “Florida/Alabama double penetration/steam cup”.  First off I’m mortified at what a “steam cup” could possibly be, but secondly at least respect me enough to delete your history! It’s not that hard!). But I digress.

You’re not the hot conference I first got together with.  Remember how hot you were when I first met you at that party?  I was with that loser Big West (although at least they were sweet and I won every year). I mean when I first got here and you, Westy, were supposed to be the up and coming “super conference”… and that was exciting.  But you let yourself go.  All these teams started leaving to go to Conference USA and yes, to Mounty, and you just didn’t care. I thought I was special. We got together because we were two attractive entities who cared about what they looked like and being something people would want.  Well a decade of letting the BYU’s of the world go and instead making Utah State a big part of your diet has taken its toll.  You look like shit.  Seriously, try fitting into the jeans I bought you from the Albuquerque Banana Republic when you got us to the Meth Bowl New Mexico Bowl in 2007, I bet you can’t even get your cottage cheese thighs 2 inches pass the waist.

Also, you're way fatter than you were in Dodge Ball

I was really hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but it has. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m better than you and I’m sorry I’m going to DO SOMETHING with my life. Actually you know what?  I take back what said in the beginning, I think the problem is you.


In the words of Alfalfa, “I hate your stinkin’ guts Darla”

-Nevada

P.S. I’m gonna need my Fraggle Rock sweat shirt back, and make sure you get all those Mac & Cheese stains out of it first.

I had an insightful chat with my brother this morning.  A chat that cut to my very core, and truly showed me how irresponsible I’ve become this summer.  You see we really haven’t written many articles this summer.  We’ve been living foot-loose and fancy free (ie we’ve been drinking heavily), and haven’t found the time to write any articles for our adoring fans (there’s at least 4 of them, maybe 2 if we don’t count ourselves).  You see,  we should have  been writing articles this summer instead of seeing if there was any fun way to blow $5 million bucks on football after we just cut 12 majors due to “underfunding” (which was a total success by the way).
Anyway, to make sure this never happens again, the Nevada SpaceSuit has taken 5 seconds away from watching the video of the gay flight attendant jumping out of the plane while we’re at work to put together this alphabet list of helpful tips to freshmen and upperclassmen who just haven’t learned.  So without further ado, here are 26 ways to put together your class schedule and manage your time now that you’re a big kid.

  1. Don’t schedule any classes at 8am.  Your teachers don’t grade on a “how hungover is this kid?” curve.
  2. If you do have an 8am class, for the love of Kaepernick make sure it’s not a 4 days a week class.  You do that and you’re just asking for your roommate to taunt you with “I didn’t even wake and bake until you were done with Spanish for an hour.  An hour bro”.
  3. Unless you work 40 hours a week, night classes should not be an option. You’ve got babes to swoon and beer to drink. and we’ll guarantee that 95.4% of the time, you won’t even show up.
  4. Take the time to go to welcome week.  In 20 years no one will give a shit what hi-jinks Peter got into on TBS’ re-run of family guy.  But everyone wants to here about that “busting out of her shell” girl from Alaska you hooked up with at the pancake breakfast.
  5. 50 minute classes =  Best.Thing.Ever.  It’s just the right amount to go on youtube without getting bored.
  6. You may not realize it but you’ve been living a lie these last 18 years.  The weekend doesn’t start on Friday, it starts Thursday at about 3:00.  All of the best parties, drink specials, and Greek Balls happen on Thursday nights.  I’m not sure why this is the case, but I’m glad it is. Don’t schedule class on Friday.
  7. And if you do schedule class on Friday it better not be after 10.  Campus turns into a ghost town every week Friday after 12:00.  If you do have a Friday afternoon class it will just be you, a big group of asian kids who are always smoking, and football players wandering around the library trying to figure out how to get out of practice.

    The quad on friday afternoons (for the most realistic listening re-creation, imagine that indian flute noise playing the background as you look at this picture)

  8. If you’re going to rush, take your time to test out all of the frats and let them woo you a little bit.  However, please be aware of the blurry line between wooing, and some brother from SAE trying to put his finger inside you.
  9. Always take time to check out the latest edition of Coffin & Keys.  C&K is just  like the Nevada Space Suit, but with 3 times the same recycled dick jokes and absurd amounts of derogatory comments about women… and almost half the funny.
  10. Don’t believe me? I haven’t seen this edition yet but I can guarantee there will be at least 3 jokes about getting some Baberaham Lincoln and/or phi delt to “slob your knob”
  11. . One out of four freshmen fail out after their first semester.  LEAVE  TIME TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK. I can guarantee you that the fun you’ll have the  four to five years you’re in college will more than make up for you missing the totes rad kegger at the Edge apartments while you studied for your math test. Also, I’m sure you’ll enjoy that 3 million dollars more you’re expected to earn over your lifetime if you finish. P.S. the keggers at the Edge are never that rad.
  12. Freshman year is just the beginning. Usually junior year (20-21, IF YOU STAY ON TRACK) is generally your peak. You’re socially established, you’ve grown into your looks (aka shed the freshman 15) and you’ve mastered the hangover.
  13. The closer you are to being late to your class, the more the shuttle driver will screw around.  The same people who won’t wait 5 seconds for you at 12:45 are feeling easy like a Sunday morning at 12:58.

    Not breaking a lot of land speed records.

  14. Don’t buy the hype, you really only have to do laundry twice a month.  Boxers work just as good inside out.
  15. If you want to get a treadmill at Lombardi don’t go around five.
  16. If you want to see boobie-bouncing city (the best of all cities), only go to Lombardi around five.
  17. All this spare time you have now?  Do something fun or creative with it.  You can play Call Of Duty 2 your whole life.  But only in college can you take a body painting class you find on Craigslist (although don’t actually do that example, going to a body painting class you found on Craigslist sounds like getting the carpool lane to your own murder).
  18. Don’t go to the Overlook around noon if you have somewhere to be in an the next 30 minutes.  Between glut of people trying to get good Chinese food (wayyyy better than Panda express) and the general malaise/third grade level of change counting of the checkout people, it’s gonna take a while to get out of there.
  19. Get your free football and basketball tickets early.  Nothing sucks like having to stand in line (and away from the tailgating area) to pay $5 for a ticket you could’ve got for free if you hadn’t been so busy watch The Price Is Right.
  20. That being said, still take time to watch The Price Is Right.  Ain’t no party like a TPIR party.
  21. If you happen to be drunk somewhere out of Sierra Spirit range.  Wait.  Use this time to wander around, bum some cigs, and catch up on your drunk dials.  The time spent sobering up will be no where near the time of community service you’ll have to do if/when you get a DUI.
  22. The shuttle ride up to the health center is always worth it for the free condoms.  Definitely shorter than a ride to the coat hanger and poison store.
  23. If you spend more than an hour per day thinking about marijuana procurement you’re in big trouble.
  24. Schedule your classes with your friends now.  Chances are you’ll all have different majors and English 102 is going to be your last hurrah before you’re going to have to branch out and start doing group projects with kids who must be here on some sort of retarded kid outreach program for people who don’t do any of the work.
  25. Don’t dedicate to much of your time freshmen year to one boy or girl.  There’s 17,000 people at this school. You’re 18 years old and way to young to be making any kind of commitment now.  Get out there, meet people, befriend someone from another country, hook up with a fat chick, it’s all good baby, you’re in college now, get out of your shell.And P.S. if the boy or girl you’re dedicating all this time to is still in high school… Just stick a butt plug in yourself and change your name to Sapphire. It would be a lot less gay then what you’re doing now.

    Hi, my name is Constance. I want to talk to you about prom committee and ruin your life.

  26. Save up your STD tests for the free testing weeks at the health center.  It’s kind of like cashing in all the points on the mac and cheese boxes all at once.  Except instead of a cheap bike, you get herpes medicine.

You may have heard that Boise State has officially left the WAC.  After next year they will officially become part of the Mountain West Athletic Conference or MWAC (see it’s like WAC except with an extra M on the front, so you know its better).  You might be a little confused by all this, how should you feel?  Happy?  Sad?  A little constipated?  Well fear not intrepid reader, because in the following column the Nevada Space Suit will break down the pros and cons of the BS University and their decision to leave the WAC.

1. We can be King of the WAC

Pro: Not everybody gets this chance, I mean look at The Ohio State. They’ll definitely be National Champions, but WAC champs? No way. They’re so totes jeal.

Con: Being king of the WAC without Boise is like being the smart kid on the short bus.

2. Having one of the most epic games of the season on Thanksgiving weekend was just a pain in the ass

Pro: We no longer have to juggle football and family. For some reason your mom just didn’t understand why “that damn football game” was so important and why you wouldn’t come home to see her. Ya, we’re saying you’re mom is dumb.

Con: Now you’ll have to talk to her.

3. So long, smurf turf.

Pro: I’m pretty sure the paint on it was lead based, which may be why all the Broncos always had those glossy dead eyes and the cheerleaders had that angry caveman look.

Con: I’ll have less occasion to say the word smurf next year, leaving me that much more dead inside.

4. We don’t have to deal with Boise and their disturbingly large pack of traveling fans.

Pro: This suggests that there may not in fact be too much to do in Boise on the weekend. (Or ever). But now we won’t ever have to walk into a packed Mackay Stadium that has more fans cheering for the away team than cheering for the Pack.

Con: We’ll also never get to walk into a packed Mackay Stadium again.

5. We won’t have two rivals anymore

Pro: We can finally put all of our hatred filled energy where it rightfully belongs: slurred drunken put downs solely aimed at those failures at UNLV, who will one day bag my groceries.

Con: There’s a very real danger that Fresno will now become our biggest rival.  We have officially dropped from middle class to white trash.  In dorm terms we’re moving from Nye to Juniper.  Yeah, maybe now you get how serious this is.


Now that we’ve had a good laugh,  I think it might be possible that some of you out there still don’t quite comprehend what this does to Nevada football.  The WAC was like That 70’s Show.  Okay, it wasn’t a huge deal American Idol or 24, but people still knew who we were and thought we were pretty swell guys.

In this analogy the university is Fez, popular, but not Kutcher.  Boise State leaving is like when Eric and Kelso got too big for the show and left in season seven.  UNR, like Fez gets more storylines and is now the main character on the show.  The only problem is no one effing cares about that show anymore.  Let’s be frank, finally scoring with Jackie (winning the WAC title), isn’t quite as impressive when there are only 2 dudes on the show (that being said I would give my left arm to hook up with Jackie Burkhart).

1. Always greet/thank the shuttle drivers profusely. Once just isn’t enough apparently.

2. Press the handicap button on the side door of the Frandsen Building to allow easy entry for your fellow students. That mother is heavy.

3. Keep your Facebook status always updated. It’s offensive to the rest of us if we don’t know where you are, what/who you are doing and your innermost thoughts transposed through shitty song lyrics.

4. Wish the athletes good luck on game day. Granted, the football and basketball players will look monumentally confused and offended, but the Rugby guys will probably buy you a drink. Or twelve.

5. Thank Tahoe Creamery for custom naming their ice cream flavors in honor of the Nevada campus. That’s right, you can enjoy The Joe, Mackay Mint and Wolf Pack Tracks all within the convenient means of campus. 

6. Pay Homage to John Mackay during finals. Ask him for good luck. Without this guy, we’d be just like San Jose State. Ewe.

7. When at the Wal, always buy a round of shots for you and 10 of your closest friends. We know, they raised it to a pricey $1.50 each, but if some people can buy friendship [g], everyone else can too.

8. Pick up your fuckin tickets to athletic games and fill up the student section. They aren’t just “get out of jail free” qdoba cards, you ungrateful sons of bitches.

9. Creepbook while only at home. I’m pretty sure the people at @one don’t want to know “who you’d rather get stuck in handcuffs with.”

10. When casually observing the divers at Lombardi, mind how long you watch. There’s a fine line between admiring the form of a few back flips and conspiracy to commit statutory rape.