Dear Dumpy Chick: An Advice Column

November 4, 2009

That's me, the dumpy Chick on the Left

That's me, the dumpy chick on the left

You know what we love giving? Contrary to popular belief, it’s not money to the poor. Instead, it’s Advice. And do you know why? We’re obviously smart. I mean, we didn’t go to UNLV and we don’t know you so its not like we could hurt your feelings. So yes, we’ve started an advice column. Turns out our readers are extremely needy.

Q: I’m addicted to FaceBook. My grades are slipping and my parents have threatened to send me to rehab… What do I do?

A: DubTeeeEfff. They have a facebook rehab??? Dude, totes go and tell us all about it. And while you’re there get hooked on crystal meth so when you come back your parents understand what a REAL addiction is like.

Q: I heard Barbara Land is an easy teacher… is it true?

A: Well despite the many rumors floating through the world wide web, we’ve never actually had sex with her, but I heard she gives out A’s like candy.

Q: I’m afraid that when I graduate I won’t be able to find employment? What do you guys suggest I do to land a job?

A: Well the first thing is stop sucking so much. Next, I’d def say that you have a degree from THE University of Nevada, so you’re pretty golden. Oh, you didn’t graduate in the nationally ranked business, journalism or engineering schools? Yikes. Well, have fun riding out the economy.

Q:I’m thinking of proposing to my girlfriend, what’s a good romantic idea?

A: Oh GOD.  You’re one of thoseeee. You’re so in love, nothing will ever tear you apart.. and man, how lucky are you to find your soulmate at TWENTY. You do realize that if you die at 85, you have 65 more years with this person. Missing out is just the beginning. But really, good luck with that.

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