So I find myself sitting in the Joe on this fine Thursday afternoon getting my stuff ready for my group meeting tonight at 5:00 (yes I’m having a group meeting during the evening of St. Patrick’s Day, apparently they don’t have this holiday in Russia so my partner isn’t too concerned about it.  Man I’m glad we won the Cold War).  Anyway as I’m sitting here I’m noticing that to my left there are two people, a boy and a girl, just living it up Narnia style in a game of World of Warcraft.  To my right there is a guy who is just as, if not more, sucked into his Facebook screen.  It strikes me that both of these groups are wasting an afternoon being distracted from their homework by computer applications, yet what one of them is doing is 1000% more socially acceptable.  But I’m not sure that’s true, in fact here’s a whole Top 10 list of reasons that might not be:

1. I know that the argument would be, “well at least people on facebook are talking to their friends” but so are the Warcraft people, in fact not only are they talking, but they’re planning complex raids with their friends.  I would argue that the Warcraft thing is more intimate; we know that going through trying experience brings people closer together, that seems like much more of a friend-builder than the low level stalking involved in liking half the pictures in someone’s “Drunk-Daze” Album.
2. You can actually w n in Warcraft, with FB you just run out of stuff to check.  How many days do you walk away from a 3 hour FB sesh thinking “well there’s something accomplished, put that one on the CV”?  In Warcraft you can probably kill a giant or get a cape that makes you look more like Orlando Bloom or some shit.  It may not be much but its something.
And as for the dating scene FB offers I have two points:
3. Plenty of Orc warriors have married Elven mages in the last 3 years at their own freaky cos-play wedding ceremonies.  I’d actually bet a higher number of Warcraft based relationships last than Facebook ones do.  Because FBships are based on hotness and DTF estimations, Warcraft’s are more based on “oh shit there’s a girl who’s in to this?  Well I better lock this up now or my name isn’t DwarfNoobKilla69.”

The Best Man

4. You’re less likely to be raped and/or murdered by someone you meet on Facebook as they’ll be more physically fit and able to pursue you than someone you meet on a Warcraft server (no one who spends hours a day trying to find a Pegasus to ride around will be fast enough to catch you)
a. Counter point: the people you meet on Facebook will almost most certainly be hotter due to this same reasoning.
5. You can sell your high-level Warcraft characters for hundreds of dollars.  No one wants your worthless profile.
6. You don’t have to worry about identity theft in Warcraft. Criminals are wayyyy more interested in your name, address, and date of birth than they are in your enchanted nunchucks (do they have nunchucks in Warcraft?  If not they really should.  Maybe get lightsabers too, just bring all of their loves together).
7. Neither said “bless you” I sneezed just now.  Both are apparently rude.
8. Potential employers won’t check your Warcraft profile to see if you’re hireable.

Hmmmm.... May not be management material....

9. In the most famous movie ever about Facebook, the main character was a total dick.  In the most famous movie about wizards and goblins and all that crap, the main character’s only real crime was being a little too in love with the kid from “Rudy”.

When that lovable black janitor told you to "follow your heart" he may not have guessed that your heart was telling you to butt fuck Elijah Wood.

10, It took me about 45 minutes to write this list, and even as I type this final point both groups are still doing what they were when I sat down here to do homework (hopefully my group wasn’t expecting huge things tonight).  The point is, we may think of people who play online games as being nerdy and wasting all of their time in a fantasy world, but is it that much different than Facebook.  I mean the dude to my definitely has a fantasy world where he’s hanging out with this redheaded broad named Molly who’s page he’s been on for the last 20 minutes.

Now we’re not saying that Warcraft is cool or that Facebook is for losers.  By that definition the writers of this blog would be a cross between Napoleon Dynamite and the goth chick from “The Breakfast Club” and it should be obvious from our writing style that if we relate to anyone in those movies its Pedro and Emillo Estevez respectively.  All we’re trying to say is that both waste time, not that that’s a bad thing, wasting time is awesome.  I mean, if you weren’t wasting time why you have read this?  Because Warcraft players are people too, paler, more introverted people, but still people.  Hell, if being pale and introverted discounted someone from being a person I’m pretty sure Canada’s population would drop down to like 17.

The President and Vice President of Canada. Also owns the only general store.

 

Gone Too Soon.

February 18, 2011

Goodbye 4 Loko, we had just been acquainted,

When at some frat party in Washington, your good name was tainted,

So not living up to their namesake

My eyes are red with your departure, because I have cried,

When I remember how many times with you, I have almost died,

Like that one time we tried to impress at a party, a girl so aloof,

You talked me into taking off my shirt, and yelling at her from her roof,

Though it was a bad plan, as the Reno Police Department will attest,

She did go out with me later, despite the arrest,

And I loved all your flavors, especially Cranberry Lemonade and melon,

Even if you made me act, like a borderline felon,

Maybe playing Loko pong, was a poor plan conceived,

But the weight of the girl I hooked up with that night, had to be seen to be believed,

Hey it happens, and I don’t mean to be rude,

But she looked like Adam Richman will, after season 12 of Man Vs. Food,

Although reflecting on it I’m still mad, that you got that girl laid,

I feel like I had sex wit Ursula, from The Little Mermaid,

Ironically, she had a mermaid lower back tat

And now that I think about it, I don’t think I wore a rubber,

Either that or it slipped off, in her layers of blubber,

She could be pregnant, now I’m starting to freak,

Maybe we should be done with you, like with James Van Der Beek,

Yeah, we're definitely done here

And my friends no longer answer, when I ring them on the telly,

b/c apparently you made me fill their USB ports, with spoonful’s of jelly,

And one more lingering issue we have, that’s stuck in my craw,

But what happened November 11th, and how’d I end up in Utah?

As I think about our time together, I become filled with anger,

Maybe you should be banned, for you truly are a danger,

And another thing, for which was a huger stress-er,

Under your influence, I pooped in a box and mailed it to my Accounting professor,

….Actually, you know what that was hilarious.  Awwwww I can’t stay mad at you 4Loko.

For no matter how you ruined my life,

Alienated my friends, and filled me with strife,

I’ll never speak against you again, not even a peep,

Because for 7 straight months, you got me super drunk, super fast, super cheap.

Sleep Well Sweet (Fresh) Prince.

We know it’s Rivalry Week here at the University of Nevada and we clearly know what’s gonna happen on Saturday when we play beat the shit out of UNLV. And they’re probably really bummed about it because A. they know they’re going to lose B. We’re now ranked in the top 25 IN THE NATION. We can’t all be winners, but we’re glad we are. So, to make the ugly stepchild down south feel better, here’s a list of the things they’re in the top 25 for.

Seeeeee Yaaaaaaaaaaa

  • Clogged toilets in sororities (they claim it’s from Roberta’s Tacos but we’re pretty sure its the binge eating they all do after UNLV’s academic rankings come out).
  • Heroine usage on a college campus
  • Sales of Insane Clown Posse records per capita
  • Number of D-Bags that still quote Borat
  • Collegiate Greek Communities acting as petri dishes for the development and mutation of fun new STD’s
  • Laptops turned into the student tech center with hard drive failures directly related to Anime Porn
  • People who think the civil war isn’t over and that it’s “just half time” (don’t believe us? Check the mascot)
  • Clearly pro slavery

  • Most joint cases of auto-erotic asphyxiation and glue huffing
  • College Girls that think they’re hot, but they’re really just whores (note from male staff writer: those two things don’t always have to be mutually exclusive) (note from female staff writer: you’re gross)
  • Largest amount of “Mistake” tattoos.
  • Highest percent of student population who identify themselves as “attending their backup school”.
  • Major school in close geographic proximity to where Colin Kaepernick went to high school that didn’t offer him a scholarship.
  • Percentage of female students whose new “cover-up makeup” may actually be the beginning stages of jaundice
  • Largest amount of babies born abandoned in trashcans
  • Highest number of convicted pedophiles on one campus
  • Most number of Students who are Team Jacob
  • Most number of students who care about that
  • Percent of male student body who own at least 2 wigs
  • Stretch marks per square inch of sorority girl
  • That's at least a 7 down there

  • Future welfare recipients
  • Worst places to go to college
  • Least beautiful campus in America
  • Highest disparity between coolness of the campus and to the city it is in
  • Largest “Students for Sharon Angle” group in the world

And last, but not least….

  • Best place to take a roadtrip to when you know your school’s football team is going to abuse them like Lindsey Lohan abuses cocaine.

If any of you have been to any Nevada football games this year, you probably noticed two things.  One, at $7.50/beer the university is basically asking you to sneak in a flask.  And Two, Colin Kaepernick is a man among boys out there.  He truly is becoming a Wolf Pack legend.  But did you know oh unlearned one, that there is much more to young Colin than his dominance at the pigskin?  Read on dear friend, as the Nevada SpaceSuit educates you on the subject of #10, with part two of out Kaep facts.

  1. You can get pregnant just by reading about him.  Raise the child to be a masculine child.
  2. Would throw touchdowns to himself if it was allowed.
  3. When he was a kid, his dad didn’t take him fishing, they went lion-ing.  And yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like.  They killed lions.
  4. He is going to win the Heisman.
  5. Kaep, not Michael Jordan, was actually Bugs Bunny’s first choice to help defeat the Mon-Stars in “Space Jam”.
  6. He’s an unlockable character on Mortal Kombat 2.
  7. He doesn’t know it yet, but we’re getting married.
  8. The Warren G. and Nate Dogg hit “Regulators” is actually a detailed account of Kaep’s first day of fourth grade.
  9. The original design for Optimus Prime called for him to transform into not a truck, but into Colin Kaepernick.
  10. He cannot tell a lie.
  11. The military doesn’t actually have smart homing missile technology.  It just seems that way because they have Kaep throwing all their bombs.
  12. He knows every secret handshake.
  13. The man doesn’t even drive to school.  It’s faster when he sprints.
  14. He didn’t ever have to use a slammer in pogs.  He smacked those little novelty disc-shaped bitches with his mind.
  15. If Kaep were Harry Potter, he totally would’ve been getting it on with Hermione since at least the third movie.  Although there wouldn’t have been a third movie because Kaep would’ve just killed Voldemort when he was like six or seven.
  16. Just looking at Kaepernick is what turned Lindsay Lohan straight again.
  17. He was in the first draft of “The Expendables”, but had to be written out when he made everyone else appear too effeminate.
  18. He also invented iPod nano’s by squishing his first iPod between his pecs.
  19. He possesses a real ocarina of time.  And a bad-ass double sided light saber.  And a Delorean that travels through time.
  20. He’s just unbelievable at “Words With Friends”.
  21. He could kick Kellen Moore’s ass.

    This joker? Kaep could do it one handed

  22. If he were blue he would look surprisingly like an Avatar.
  23. He would be the best player on the Nevada baseball team.  If any one gave a shit about baseball anyway.
  24. He has more real friends than you have Facebook friends.
  25. He is probably a member of the Men In Black.  Remember that.  Just in case we ever face to face and make contact.
  26. Based on his arm strength and lithe build we’re just going to go ahead and assume he killed everyone at “butt’s up” in elementary school.

So, every blog and their mother has done a piece in the last week about why Americans don’t like the World Cup, or why we should, or how we’re dumb for not getting it, or why it’s arrogant that we expect to win things that we don’t even try at/understand and blah blah blah, pass the baguettes, find your height in meters and socialize beaches.  Whatever.  Look, we don’t get soccer, if we did it would be on channels where the announcers are speaking in English more than just a few weeks every four years.  And nothing the rest of the world can say (in whatever bizarre gibberish they use as their language) is going to change our minds.  This is because they fail to understand that there is really only one proven way to make Americans watch something boring. Make it a drinking game.  Think about it, what’s the only way you can get through graduations, weddings, bar mitzvahs, catholic mass, or driving?  By drinking the whole time!

The only soccer game America has ever got behind

So, here for your World Cup enjoyment and to make you seem more worldly at fancy cocktail parties with douchey guys named Caleb who actually like this sort of thing, the Nevada Space Suit presents:

GOOOOOOAAAALLLL!!!!!:

THE DRINKING GAME TO MAKE THE WORLD CUP WATCHABLE

  • For every game attempt to speak in the accents of the country that you are cheering for.  Unless America is playing because that’s boring, instead speak in the accent of the opponent (and please feel free to make as many derogatory, stereotypical generalizations about that country and its people as you can).  Whenever someone slips out of this accent they drink.
  • Drink every time there’s a penalty you don’t understand.
  • Anytime there are more than 4 goals in a game, shoot some heroin. Don’t worry, this will never happen.
  • Drink every time you start feeling bad that, to most of the world, this is the awesome kind of football.
  • Every time the British announcer says an English word that apparently means something else in American . These include: pitch/field, kit/uniform, world’s game/stupid game you play when you’re 7.
  • Every time you think about how much better we would be if our good athletes played this sport. Don’t kid yourself Slovenia, the rape Lebron and Larry Fitzgerald would put on you would be a dry, dry anal rape.
  • Chug every time you actually understand the foul that’s been called Again, these will be few and far in between.
  • Every time you or someone watching the “match” stubs their toe or bumps their knee, drop to the ground and roll around holding your face. Just like the pros!  If you forget to fake an injury like this you have to drink, but you also become the most honest soccer player in the world.

    Being carried to the hospital after skinning his knee in the 58th minute

  • At the end of the game stand up and trade shirts with your friend.  In the twisted, fetishy world of soccer this is normal somehow.

Lookin' good blondie

Lookin' good blondie

So for those of you who missed it (although it didn’t seem like many of you did) last night was a classic one for the Little Waldorf,  all the stereotypes were there.  You know, the people who will always show up at the Wal on a Thursday night. We know who they are, but incase you don’t (what are you, socially retarded?) … Here are our favorites.

a. The guy who you really only marginally know but they act like you’re closer than Ernie and Bert.  This guy is always either phenomenally wasted, there pretty much by himself, or both.  You have to look out for this character, he’s probably not rolling that deep and so he is a danger to suddenly become part of your group.  Other people who came with you will start to question your ability as a judge of character for wanting to hang out with this guy.  He’ll probably also try to bring up some story he remembers from a long time ago that involved you and him.  It’s almost always either a story about one “hella crazy CH discussion” or some test that was “way too hard bro.  Like seriously, eff that ess”.

b. The over-hugger.  This person (like many in this list) will hug you either every 6 minutes, or every time you leave and come back, whichever comes first.  They are sure to spill at least one of your drinks with their quick mtions and flailing limbs.  Also, they will want to give you there number at least 3 or 4 times throughout the night (though due to their drunkenness at least one of these will by a totally mystifying stream of seven or eight 5’s).

c.  The person who keeps going outside to spark one up.  They swear they only smoke when they drink (however as they all have their own packs we must often examine the validity of this claim).

d. Greg Bailor.  Seriously, this guy is there every time and not just Thursdays either.  Why they don’t have either a bust of him mounted outside or list him as an official sponsor is beyond us.  This guy is always good for a cheers to whatever you’re talking about or for a detailed explanation of how he will some day become governor (which btdub, convinces me every time).

Governor Bailor and his "constituencies"

Governor Bailor and his "constituencies"

e.  That Mexican dude in the cowboy hat who tries to hustle everyone at pool.  Apparently we keep him young.

f. That person who is one of your gf/bf’s “best friend” from freshman year (aka they made out… a lot).  They insist on doing shots together, which your better half tells you is “not a big deal” and “just between friends” and “look, he just knows kamikazes are my favorite drink so he keeps buying me them.”  This guy is a fuck bag.

g. The guy who creepily lingers around the dance floor but never actually tries to dance with anyone.  This will usually be a heavier set gentleman in a baggy South Pole shirt with a K-Fed beard and a half empty rum and coke.

h. Us.  Are you kidding? We fuckin’ love this place.

i. The frat guy who only talks to you when you two see each other at the Wal. This way, he has enough liquid courage to hit on you. God forbid he’d talk to you in “real” life.  You have beautiful eyes, by the way.

j.  The crowd of people that apparently go to school here, but you’ve never seen them in your life.  Seriously. Who are these people? Like, not even remotely familiar. (Note: They may also be people who don’t go to school here.  They graduated high school in ’04 and now they don’t have anywhere else to go.  They will over compensate by making a ton of jokes about Glick or Ault).

k. My business card. Yep. Check it out in one of the horseshoes nailed to the wood pillars. He’s always there.. day in.. and day out.. always backing every decision I make.

l.  The line cutter. I mean we don’t have to wait in line, we know Greg Bailor. But what about everybody else? That line is sometimes 100 people long.  These are probably the same people who are hitting on your bf/gf.  Again, fuckbags.

m. The same seven bartenders – did you know those aren’t event their real names? Can you name them all? We can. Cuban, Big, Saturn, Skip, Miggity, Frau and BeastMaster

n. All the snow-loving, 4 XL wearing, greasy long haired creatures that have no where else to go since Fritz’s shut down.

o. The girl from your senior class that got pregnant. Surprise! It’s not yours though. Close call.

p. Those beezies that stay in the bathroom taking MySpace pictures of themselves in the mirror. Note: MySpace isn’t cool anymore, yo.

q. The girl that keeps getting shots for everyone.  She will inevitably do some combination of the following three things: throw up on you, make out with you, and/or ask you to take her to Jack In The Box.