So although our blog is hilarious and we’re rapidly approaching world wide fame with 268 Facebook fans,  it’s not always an easy life. We tend to be offensive, obnoxious, biased, funny, spiteful, single minded and most importantly, filled with this unshakable Pack Pride. (suck on that UNLV). But, turns out not everybody is on Team NSS. To show you the rough life we lead (sex, drugs and blog rolls) we’ve posted some of our best hate mail. And of course, our responses.

From: John Wilkins afconnery@unr.edu 134.197.22.10

Your article contains the following error:
“Not only is today the Nevada SpaceSuit’s birthday, but it is also Veteran’s Day. That’s right, we have the same birthday as the armed services”

The armed services came about with the creation of the United States Army on June 14th, 1775. I thought you guys were in college. You couldn’t even research a rather easy topic like Veteran’s Day. It was made to honor veterans.

So, next time you want to go out and act like idiots, don’t do it while you claim to be this great free media. You give intelligent free-thinkers a bad name.

Our response:

Our dearest John Wilkins,

We are so sorry for offending you. We’ll have our editors fix it right away! But to tell you the truth, Wikipedia was down that day so we just made it up. Kinda like the rest of this blog…

But how’s this for some research? We didn’t want to let you down again.

Name: CONNERY, FREDERICK (FRED)

Title: ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT III

Department: CAMPUS RECREATION & WELLNESS

Mail Stop: 0422
Location LRC230

Phone: (775) 784-1546

Fax: (775) 784-1330

Email: fconnery@unr.edu

Oh, and we’re lovin your user pic http://www.facebook.com/fred.connery?ref=nf



From: Sir Thomas More ertnlv89@gmail.com

At least the Red Cannon looks better then the puke paintjob UNR puts it on it. Must be the budget cuts.

Our Response:

Thanks for chiming in Sir Thomas. I must tell you we’re honored that you took time off from battling the evils of Lutheranism to time travel forward to 2009 to weigh in the color of the cannon (which in all honesty must be surprising to you in many ways, as cannons will not be introduced in Europe until after you die. For serious, are you having an Encino Man going to the amusement park with Pauly Shore moment right now?). Anyway, two points on what you just said:
1. 63 points on 773 yards. Go ahead and read that again.
2. I have to question your diet if your definition of normal puke color is a majestic navy blue. We’re not sure what you’re eating but maybe you should try getting some more fruit in there or something bro.

Majestic Navy Blue is an Understatement

Okay, and sometimes (about as often as I get that weird rash) we get some fan mail:


From: Little Blogdorf blogdorf.wordpress.org mike@lilwal.com

Nice poem. Dr. Suess meets Dr. Dre. I always thought the only thing missing from Suess books were gratuitous vulgarity. Well done. Keep up the good work.

Our response:

Thanks Blogdorf,
Like both Doctors, Seuss and Dre, we are in fact straight outta Compton. So I guess it’s just in our DNA.

From: Caitlin Cakey56@hotmail.com

Just wanted to let you guys know how much this blog kicks ass. It kinda made me want to start writing at the University. Wow, I know. A little intense. But its true. I write the sex column for the UNR Sagebrush and I try to keep it silly and edgy (well, as much as I can get away with at the fucking Sagebrush. Ha ha. Keep up the good shit and check out my writings if you are ever bored. Also, I’m always down for advise from a more experienced writer as I am totally new to this.
-Caitlin Thomas
ps-WHO ARE YOU GUYS? Haha

Our response:

We really appreciate those kind words Caitlin. But to tell you the truth, it’s making me uncomfortable. I only know how to put people down and make sarcastic comments (call me a passive aggressive, if you must). So in all honestly, I’m gonna have to make this short. So thanks for the fan mail, keep up your creepy sex columns for the Sagebrush (I’m sorry, I’m just not as open with my sexuality as you are after the third baby-scare). And seriously, don’t rely on us for inspiration to “kinda make you want to start writing at the University” – we’re an unreliable source (as John Wilkins will confirm) and really we’re mostly drunk.

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It’s the first day of school and there’s things to be done.  If you don’t get all the things done you need to now before homework and CH induced apathy, you never will.  So here the Nevada Space Suit presents your guide to the first day of school.

Happy to be here

1.  Take something for your hangover and be thankful you’re not some naive freshmen who thinks they should take 8 o’clock classes anymore.

2. Shave, have some self respect you scruffy bastard.

3. You’re also probably gonna want to switch from last month’s schedule of changing your underwear every five days to a more respectable 2 day chones max.

4. Don’t feel like you have to take all your old notebooks out of your backpack just b/c its a new semester, there’s still at least 15 pages left in the back of the yellow one.

5. Hit Trojes.  Going here every day will remind you why its worth it to be a Finance Major.

6. See a kid from your accounting class last semester who you don’t really know but recognize.  Make eye contact and realize they also recognize you but are unsure of how to handle this situation.  Pretend you’re getting a call and look down at your phone.

7. Go to Lombardi and burn off the all the fat that accumulated while you were playing Dragon Age and eating Cheetos with your boy Keith.  You already didn’t go the whole year without drunk dialing an ex, lose some weight and keep at least one of those New Year’s resolutions dammit.  Also, for the first two week that place is hot chicks on elliptical machines city, enjoy it while it lasts.

8. Freshmen, stay with your girlfriend.  This isn’t like the beginning of fall semester where a halter top parade marches through the quad every day.  Stay the course and wait it out until you end up making out with some chick from Wisconsin in a Cabana at Spring Break (more on girls and how the state they are from corresponds with their level of sluttiness on Spring Break coming at a future date).

9.  If by chance, you wrote a mean letter to Vai Taua that was seen by 500 people, and he DIDN’T end up leaving school, avoid him like the effing plague.  You can’t out run him so you’ll probably need to hide.  We suggest the Library.

10.  Make a first day of school playlist.  If you’re doing it right here are the tracks you should have:

  • OMC “How Bizarre”
  • Kesha “Tic Toc” (ps put it on now, b/c in three weeks this’ll be all the way played out, unless its the remix w/Pitbull, then you have like 2 more months.)
  • Electric SweaterVest Experience “January IS Sex Month”
  • Harry Potter Soundtrack “Theme Song From the Half Blood Prince” (watch UNR become Hogwarts before your muggle eyes.  Start with Glick as Dumbledore and it all just flows from there.
  • “Somebody’s Watching Me (Geico Remix)” 
  • The rest is up to you, we can’t all have the same playlist or it’ll turn into “1984” choose your own wild card.

11. Don’t be that prick who raises his hand every ten minutes on the first day.  Nobody likes that guy. Instead be the chick who’s thong hangs way out of her pants  in the front row, everybody loves her.

This article is dedicated to the fine young gentlemen of the Nevada football team, and more specifically, to star running back Vai Taua.  Young Mr. Taua was Nevada’s leading rusher this year, gaining over 1,400 total yards with 12 touchdowns, basically we’re saying he was good.

How effin' adorable

Unfortunately Vai wasn’t able to play in Nevada’s bowl game (which will be known as Pearl Harbor 2: Trouble In Paradise) because he wasn’t academically eligible for the spring semester.  Vai sat the game out, our top-ranked rushing offense looked anemic and SMU made us their girlfriends like we were in a prison shower.

Needless to say, we hated it.  The NSS offices have been a dark place ever since.  Maybe you can tell by us not having said anything about this game for a week that we were pretty broken up about it.  We’ve basically been the blogging equivalent of the red ring of death mixed with that American Indian guy from those 70s PSA’a who used to cry when he looked at landfills and stuff.

Anyway, in order to make sure this never happens again we’ve taken it upon ourselves to make a guide for our students to follow to ensure that we are never again left high and dry by someone failing a survey of jazz test (yeah, that was the class). The basketball team needed our help with the “guide to stealin’ mo’ betta” and now we’re trying to help out the football team.   Also it is worth noting that this list was made assuming the reader was an athlete, lists for greeks and a regular people will follow in the future.

1.  Because you’re an athlete, you get to pick out your classes before everybody else.  You know what kind of student you are, there are actually some athletes that are very smart, certainly smarter than us, and we don’t want to make broad generalizations.  But if you don’t think you should be signing up for Physics 485, then chances are you’re right. Make sure you pick out classes with words like “dance”, or “volleyball”, or “intro to” in the title.  Avoid classes with the words “econometrics”, or “advanced”, and possibly even “math”.

2. Once you’ve signed up for classes, the most important thing to do is to make sure you get to the first class on time.  You’re going to want to get there on time for a few reasons.  First off, the teacher will think you’re not just some lazy athlete.  Secondly, you can make sure you get a seat in the back by the 5 other football players who will undoubtedly be hanging out back there.  The third and most important reason is that this will give you the best opportunity to find the kid who is going to be doing your homework this semester.  When everyone goes around and says something about themselves on the first day, look for the kid who something about science camp or uses really big words when they say what their interests are (important:  “Kardashian” should not count as one of these big words, depending on the girl it will probably end in some anonymous sex, but not in a passing grade).

3. When you pick out the person who will be doing your homework this year (they will henceforth be referred to as “the mule”), you need to weigh all the factors.  There are two main types of mules you should be looking at, either the nerdy football head guy who thinks you are a living god, or the innocent, naive girl who thinks you actually like her for her (note, you’ll need to catch this girl in the fall semester of her freshmen year, this is the last time girls will believe this).  Both of these people will do your homework as long as you hang out with them and pretend to be their friend.  To pick up the football head nerd, talk to him a lot about stats and stuff and how you’ll get him some of your old team shirts and invite him to football parties (you don’t actually have to invite him to parties).  The girl will be easier to pick up, you’re a football player and you’re in phenomenal shape, just lift up your shirt and ask her if she likes the situation.  If life is like the “Jersey Shore”, and hopefully it is, you two will be making out in your hot tub and making sandwiches in no time.  Afterwards you can ask her if she’ll do your homework.

4. Go to class.  We know it sucks.  Skipping class is a time honored collegiate tradition and if we had it our way everyone would be able to skip classes equal amounts and professors would be none the wiser.  Unfortunately if you’re on the football team you probably weigh between 200-350 pounds, are built like a truck, and are a little more than noticeable when splashed on a canvas of lily white World of Warcraft enthusiasts with beer bellies and little to no muscle definition.  Long story short, the teacher is going to notice you’re not there.  (Note: if you’re one of the kickers you can ignore that last paragraph, you guys just look like geology majors who got their hands on some sweatpants).

5.  Do what every other kid in college does and CHEAT.  Seriously, you show me one engineering student who went through “Fluid Dynamics” without someone’s old notes and I will show you a liar with an engineering degree.  Get notes from people, get old tests.  There are drawers full of every test anyone’s ever taken at this school in some of the frat houses.  Those guys used to play football in high school, they think you’re cool.  They’re desperate to have a black friend, they will let you look in those drawers.  Now I know what you’re saying, “Well gee that is a swell idea, but what if the teacher catches me?  I’d really be up a creek then!” Here’s the thing, as we mentioned before, you are built like small, mobile, buildings.  Professors are built like zip lock bags filled up with peanut butter, flex the guns a little bit and all will be forgotten (except with Paul Mitchell, don’t fuck with that guy.  We’re 90 percent sure he used to be “Gemini” on the old American Gladiators show).

Hopefully you guys can follow these steps and pass all your classes (even the brain busters like survey of jazz) this spring and be eligible for next year’s season.  And p.s., Ault, “evaluating Taua’s role with the team”?  We all know he’s coming back.  You don’t do the Family Matters without Eddie y’know?  I mean sure, he doesn’t get all the press and the headlines like Urkel (Kaepernick)

Borderline suicidal.  That’s how the Nevada Spacesuit, much like yourself, felt after watching Nevada get crushed by SMU in the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl last week.  That got us here at the spacesuit thinking about terrible things that could have happened that would have been not as bad as what happened on Thursday.  Here, as always, is an alphabet list of things that, while terrible, still would not have been as bad as what happened at Pearl Harbor 2: Trouble In Paradise.

a.  Lebron James deciding to quit the NBA and use his 4 years of eligibility at UNLV

b. The economy crashes again.

c. 20th Century Fox cancels funding for the Arrested Development movie to concentrate on Bride Wars 2.

d. It turns out that Mortal Kombat was based on a true story and Outworld invades Earthrealm.

e. All those Italian activists actually get Jersey Shore canceled.

f. The polar ice caps melt.

g. Your boyfriend gets fat.

h. I have to hear one more thing about Tiger God damn Woods.

i. Running into your old boyfriend who is no longer fat.

j. Vai Taua pumps the break on weed for a little bit and actually does his jazz homework.

k. It’s discovered that a little alien has been living in his head, controlling Barack Obama Men In Black style.

l. Limp Bizkit breaks up.

m. Y2K hits ten years late.

n. Your parents tell you that you were adopted. Also, that they’ve only kept you so long because it’s part of an elaborate bet your “Dad” made in college.

o. You think you’re going to the prom with Patrick, he’s a moody Australian transfer student with dashing good looks who totally “gets you”.  Even after you tried to blow him off he still pursued you and took you on an awesome paintball/pedal boat date.  You all go to the prom and your younger sister Alex Mac punches your ex boyfriend in the nose and doesn’t even get kicked out, she just keeps dancing with the kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun.  Then suddenly, when everything is going great, you find out Patrick was paid to take you out.  F.Y.L.

Patrick woo-ing you at soccer practice

p. Back To The Future turns out to be a lie and we don’t all get hoverboards within the next 5 years.

q. Your mom friends you on facebook and starts making weird comments on all your drunk pictures.

r. U-Swirl closes.

s. They open up a cantina (cantina meaning “bar” in Spanish) in the union that doesn’t even serve alcohol.  Oh wait….

t. Gold ‘n Silver stops being open 24 hours a day.  Drunk college students, hobos, and pimps who like to show their bottom bitches a classy time riot in the streets.

u. You go to a 2-D showing of Avatar. You didn’t even know they didn’t show it in 3-D, which is like the whole point of the movie, but they do.  You thought it was suspicious when you didn’t get 3-D glasses but you just rolled with it.  2 hours later you’re balls deep in a slightly longer and more confusing version of “Ferngully”.  Basically what I’m saying is fuck you Parklane Theaters.

v. The vampires that all chicks think are so hot turn out to be real.  Vampires everywhere embark on a spree of murder/rapes. Pandemonium ensues and America wonders what was so hot about rapist killing machines in the first place.

w. Sarah Palin gets elected. My aunt Candy loves it.

x. They stop playing Full House re-runs.

y. All your shoes get lost and you have to bring in the New Year in your roommate’s fanciest Crocs.

z. Red Ring of Death.

So there you have it, an alphabet list of things that would not have been as bad as the anal pounding we got from SMU.  But hey, Boise State won, so that’s good right? Happy New Year.