So, every blog and their mother has done a piece in the last week about why Americans don’t like the World Cup, or why we should, or how we’re dumb for not getting it, or why it’s arrogant that we expect to win things that we don’t even try at/understand and blah blah blah, pass the baguettes, find your height in meters and socialize beaches.  Whatever.  Look, we don’t get soccer, if we did it would be on channels where the announcers are speaking in English more than just a few weeks every four years.  And nothing the rest of the world can say (in whatever bizarre gibberish they use as their language) is going to change our minds.  This is because they fail to understand that there is really only one proven way to make Americans watch something boring. Make it a drinking game.  Think about it, what’s the only way you can get through graduations, weddings, bar mitzvahs, catholic mass, or driving?  By drinking the whole time!

The only soccer game America has ever got behind

So, here for your World Cup enjoyment and to make you seem more worldly at fancy cocktail parties with douchey guys named Caleb who actually like this sort of thing, the Nevada Space Suit presents:

GOOOOOOAAAALLLL!!!!!:

THE DRINKING GAME TO MAKE THE WORLD CUP WATCHABLE

  • For every game attempt to speak in the accents of the country that you are cheering for.  Unless America is playing because that’s boring, instead speak in the accent of the opponent (and please feel free to make as many derogatory, stereotypical generalizations about that country and its people as you can).  Whenever someone slips out of this accent they drink.
  • Drink every time there’s a penalty you don’t understand.
  • Anytime there are more than 4 goals in a game, shoot some heroin. Don’t worry, this will never happen.
  • Drink every time you start feeling bad that, to most of the world, this is the awesome kind of football.
  • Every time the British announcer says an English word that apparently means something else in American . These include: pitch/field, kit/uniform, world’s game/stupid game you play when you’re 7.
  • Every time you think about how much better we would be if our good athletes played this sport. Don’t kid yourself Slovenia, the rape Lebron and Larry Fitzgerald would put on you would be a dry, dry anal rape.
  • Chug every time you actually understand the foul that’s been called Again, these will be few and far in between.
  • Every time you or someone watching the “match” stubs their toe or bumps their knee, drop to the ground and roll around holding your face. Just like the pros!  If you forget to fake an injury like this you have to drink, but you also become the most honest soccer player in the world.

    Being carried to the hospital after skinning his knee in the 58th minute

  • At the end of the game stand up and trade shirts with your friend.  In the twisted, fetishy world of soccer this is normal somehow.
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Obviously separated at birth

November 11, 2009

Happy AmericaSpaceSuit Day

Today is a special, special day.  So special that we didn’t have class today.  Perhaps you noticed?  Not only is today the Nevada SpaceSuit’s birthday, but it is also Veteran’s Day.  That’s right, we have the same birthday as the day set aside to remember those who have served in armed services.  We expect we may be twins that were separated in some sort of wacky “Sister Sister” situation.  If we had to guess we’d say we’re probably Tamara (which would make you Roger).

But perhaps you don’t believe us.  Let us prove to you that the NSS and this country’s armed services are basically the same people (only with wacky twin differences).

1. They fight for freedom… and we write for freedom. Ok more so for laughs. Whatever.

2. The average marine probably did like 200 pushups today.  We went through at least a half box of Push Pops this afternoon (though in fairness it was so we could make enough Flinstone’s cars to have a drag race).

3. We both wear uniforms. However ours have no medals. Just a pocket big enough to fit a medium sized flask.

4. We are both in the front lines of attack.. although ours is primarily through vicious hate mail.

5.Neither of us will ever go to Cantina Del Lobo after 5 because they don’t fuckin serve alcohol.

6. The Marine veterans yell “semper fi”…while we just try and figure out where we can find those drunk  Pi Phi.

7. They keep us safe from terrorists and we keep you safe from the vacuum? (OK WE TRIED!)

8. They make life or death decisions daily. We decide whether to hit Los Tres Hombres or Port of Subs before naptime.

9. They run 5 miles everyday. We go to Lombardi if its on the way to our car.

10. The Navy only had one Village People song explicitly about them. We’ve had several.

In all seriousness though, the NSS would like to take a moment to recognize all of the American soldiers, but most importantly veterans. Without them, we’d be in class right now or we could be trying to break a language barrier and forced into an arranged marriage with the ugliest mo’fo you’ve ever seen. But, the good news is that none of these things are happening to us, Hannah Montana had it right.. It IS a party in the USA.  And that’s because of the militants and veterans of a’merica.