Today is an important day for rednecks, republicans, and white males over the age of 45 because it’s opening day  for Major League Baseball.  Yes baseball, the most boring sport this side of soccer.  A sport where fat dudes can be dominant and someone running 90 feet is considered a thrilling play.  A sport that was exciting in 1890 before anyone had TV, videogames, basketball, football, or porn that wasn’t crude drawings in a flipbook.  You know what else was a popular past time back then? Listening to solo trumpet concerts on your gramophone?  You see anyone doing that anymore?  Not tons.

"a pretty sexy party in 1900" - That's exactly what I typed into google

We at the NSS aren’t really sure why we still watch baseball anymore.  Or why a whole sect of this country pisses their pants with excitement about the start of a whole summer of 100 year old teams playing each other in 2-1 games and every top play on Sportscenter being a guy who is kind of falling down while he catches a pop fly. Baseball has only been fun three times: the movie where that kids falls down and can suddenly throw 100 miles an hour while Nick Nolte mentors him and rails his mom, the movie where Charlie Sheen and Wesley Snipes rail everybody in Cleveland, and then also real baseball, but when everyone was on steroids.   So until baseball comes to its senses and not only legalizes ‘roids, but makes them mandatory, enjoy this:

Our list of things that will be more exciting to watch than today’s baseball games:

1.       Watching paint dry

2.       Watching paint after it has already dried

3.       Watching that paint slowly chip away over a period of a few years

4.       Reading an entire list of paint-based jokes.

5.       The class you’re sitting in right now

6.       Football games if they really stop selling alcohol at them.

7.       Abstinence

8.       Losing my front row of teeth in my battle against bulimia

9.       Running at the gym when your headphones are broke and you can’t listen to your iPod or watch the little TV’s they have there.  Seriously, I bet I’ve gained a net of 9 pounds over the last 5 years just because I don’t want to run when I forget my headphones.   Without them what’s supposed to distract me from how awful climbing up 1000’s of stairs and staying in the same place is?

10.   The parts of the Jersey Shore that are dedicated to Ronni and Sammi fighting.  We get it, you two are in a horrible relationship and Ronni is a modern day Bobby Brown but without the awesome dance moves and fly-ass Gumby haircut.  Now breakup for the 90th time so we can get back to Vinny and Pauly D searching for new forms of V.D. on the boardwalk.

Maybe he hits his wife, but he also sang humpin' around, that's a wash in our book

11.   Pretending to give a shit about what’s going on on “Sister Wives” because it makes your girlfriend happy.

12.   Listening to my roommate’s attack me about how awesome baseball is after I post this blog.  If I’m lucky they’ll go over their in-depth plan for minor league realignment again (yes they have one, it’s written down and I’ve read it). Also hopefully one of them will make an impassioned plea about the designated hitter and how it ruins baseball, all while pretending that they aren’t both in their 20’s don’t remember a damn thing about baseball before there was a DH.

13.   Killing someone with kindness.

14.   Waiting in line at midnight for the next twilight movie.

15.   Actually being in the next Twilight movie once it starts (way more entertaining, you know why?  Because I’ve been taken to everyone of these damn movies and now I want to see who that mopey broad chooses.  Full disclosure: I’m hoping for Edward).

16.   Watching an episode of any comedy show made before 1970.  Believe me, the only thing that is ever funny about TV shows that old is how casually racist everybody is.

17.   Rocky I.  I know that’s near blasphemous, but hear me out.  That first Rocky movie is basically the story of a retarded guy trying to bang a recluse who works in a pet store while her brother struggle with alcoholism.  There’s one sweet fight and training montage stuck in at the end that made people like that movie.  It wasn’t until Rocky III where Stallone started taking steroids, fought Hulk Hogan AND Mr. T and had a gay vacation with Carl Wethers that those movies really got awesome.

Now we're talking!

18.   Women’s college basketball.  Sorry ladies, it just isn’t basketball without dunking or neck tattoos.

19.   Avatar when it’s not in 3-D

20.  Getting hit in the head with a foul ball. And dying.

When you’re a kid and your watching a show, the most romance/lovin’ you ever see is limited to handholding and maybe some kissing.  And this is as it should be, young minds aren’t quite ready to be exposed to the wonders of fornication.  Trust me when I say that a 7th grader’s innocence is shattered the moment his friend shows him a chick bricking in some dude’s mouth online at steak and cheese (remember steak and cheese? No, just me? I was the only one with really pervy friends?).  Anyway we thought we’d go back and take another look at these couples from our youth, to decipher what would have been happening if they had been actual real-world teenagers, and not the abstinent Disney archetypes they were portrayed as.  Their amount of sexin’ will be judged on a scale of 1-5 illegitmate children conceived.

Power Rangers: Tommy/Kimberly – Let’s see, two super hot teenagers (who were actually like 25) that are in great shape, spend 85% of every day together, and constantly go through life threatening situations that bring them closer together.  In the show they would sometimes hold hands and nervously invite each other to Sadie Hawkins dances.  B.S. If this was taking place in the real world you know that every night after saving the city Tommy was balls deep in some Pink Ranger, fogging up the windows in the Dragon Zord cockpit.  Plus look at the Pink Ranger.  She is so hot, Tommy HAD to lock that down.

4 out of  5 illegitimate children.

Power Rangers: Zordon/Alpha 5  – Alpha 5 was soooo gay.  But it kind of makes sense.  Zordon is a giant floating authoritative head, and Alpha 5 is a submissive robot who enjoys being told what to do.  It’s like a craigslist add from hell.  Or space.

0 out of 5 illegitimate kids (because they were both dudes, and either way I don’t think either had any genitalia).

Family Matters: Urkel/Laura – This one I think was less cut and dry. They probably did it once when he was Stephon and now its weird.  He’s desperately in love with her and she’s ashamed and embarrassed.  She probably let him hit that becasue she didn’t assume he would morph back into a nerd with a Scottie Pippen haircut and pants pulled up halfway to his nips the moment they left Orlando (which in fairness to her was a pretty reasonable assumption).

1 out of 5 illegitimate children (because you KNOW Stephon don’t wrap it up.  He wants to feel you girl).

Family Matters

"Did I do thaaaaat?" Yes, You did "do" that. A lot. Especially in your weirdo time machine.

Full House: Danny Tanner/ Uncle Joey – Let’s go down the checklist shall we?  Both were unmarried, had feathered hair, and were raising children together in San Francisco.  Yeah, no red flags there.

1 out of 5 illegitimate children

Lion King: Mufasa/ All them ho’s – Besides Scar and then later Simba there were no other dude lions there.  But there were lots of kids.  Someone had to father these cubs and I think we can all be fairly certain it wasn’t the voodoo monkey or the gay toucan.  And yes that does mean Nala was Simba’s sister.  Sorry for destroying your childhood.

5 out of 5 illegitimate children (although it was probably actually more than 5, and then also a whole bunch of inbred grandkids)

Sesame Street: Ernie/Burt – This one is probably this highest level of debauchery.  And Bert should get a medal for the wild coke fueled orgies that Ernie seemed to be throwing in the tub. What do you think they meant by doing the rubber duck?


Muppets: Gonzo/ Camilla The Chicken – This was probably constant, and probably not consensual.  In a world where almost every animal can talk and wear a suit jacket, Gonzo ended up with a chicken who can’t do anything but cluck.  Yes he claims they have a relationship but is it really consensual? All of the other muppets have the ability to say yes or no like people, so its not as weird when they’re into each other.  From what I can tell Camilla is just a regular chicken.  And she’s probably subject to an unrelenting blue felt weiner pounding every night after Kermit locks up the theater.  And she has no way to stop it.  Because she’s a chicken.

4 out of 5 horrifying, cross species, illegitimate children.

Babar/Miss Babar: Just some hot, nasty elephant sex

No illegitimates, they were married.


Mario Series: Mario/Peach- I will tell you right now that Princess Peach must have got her name from being the best piece of ass in the mushroom kingdom.  Think about what Mario went through for this broad.  Every 2-3 years he would swim through shark infested waters, skip from rock to rock inside of active volcanoes, and ingest huge quantities of mushrooms that couldn’t have been healthy for him.  Oh yeah,  and then he would celebrate it all by fighting a FAMILY OF DINOSAURS.  I have a hard time holding my farts in for my girlfriend.  This level of commitment is unprecedented.

3 out of 5 illegitimate children (though on looks curiously like King Koopa).

Mario Series: Luigi/his hand – went through everything Mario did and got nothing.  He was either jerkin it to images of his brother dying a horrible death or to the vampire page on youporn.

0 out of 5 illegitimate children.

Fresh Prince of Bel Air: Will/whoever he damn well pleased

5 out of 5 illegitimate children, many of whom can Whip their Hair.

Return of The Jedi: Jabba The Hut/Princess Leia – personally this one is the most painful for me.  I don’t think I realized it until I was like 14 or 15, but when I did I was legitimately horrified.  Don’t believed they got it on?  Let’s look at the facts:

  1. Leia woke up next to Jabba wearing nothing but a metal bikini and a look of shame.
  2. Two when he pulls her over to him after he catches her he sticks his tongue out and LICKS HER FACE.  A pre-rape move if I’ve ever seen one.
  3. When given the chance, the normally diplomatic princess Leia grabs her chain and mercilessly chokes him to death.  This strangling sequence takes about a full minute, during which time Jabba’s eyes roll into the back of his head as life slips away from his convulsing body.  This is BY FAR the most gruesome murder in the entire Star Wars saga, and it is fueled by the holy vengeance of a rape victim so we’re all okay with it.

0 out of 5 illegitimate children.  You know Han aborted that shit.

Well, can you say BRRRR?! That’s right. It’s bone chilling temperatures and high winds for us again here in Reno.  With the cold weather comes a few things, snowmen, hot chocolate, people from Vegas freaking out like it’s “The Day After Tomorrow” and a handful of mysterious kids in “pwned noob” t-shirts walking around seemingly oblivious to the fact they have boogers frozen to the sides of their face.  But more importantly than all of these things it’s gonna change the party scene.  These changes are subtle, but they are changes all the same.  And as always, your old buddies at the SpaceSuit feel obliged to help some bruthas out.  So without further merriment, pomp, or ado:

The 15 ways party life changes when the season turns cold.

1. You can no longer be so brazen with your outdoor “only when I’m drunk” cigarette smoking.

2. If outdoors, the Sophie’s choice between wearing a mitten while you drink your beer and potentially having it slip vs. frostbite.

-OR-

The choice is clear

3. It doesn’t really matter what you wear. A really cute dress, new jeans that make your ass look great or the pair of basketball shorts you stole from your last walk of shame. You’re gonna be effin bundled like your life depended on it. Because it does.

4. There is now ice everywhere on the ground, you should probably wear a helmet.

5. There’s going to be a lot of scraggly pirate beards. You know, the ones where all of the parts don’t connect. The younger boys are trying to keep their faces warm, but they don’t yet understand that the unconnected “fuzz islands” look has never got any one laid.

6. Winter always brings way more compromising spend the night situations because you look out side and think “I’m not fucking walking home”

7. Now there’s more opportunities for jokes about the Paul Walker feelgood hit, “Eight Below

he's definitely thinking about how to teach these dogs to tokyo drift

8.Drinking “more” doesn’t always mean it’s going to get warmer. I’m sorry but standing in the Truckee River with no pants will always be freezing.
Until you die.And you will

9. We’re pretty sure glass shatters faster when it’s cold. Uninhabited commercial space downtown.. watch out!

10. It turns into a survivor type situation where you get to watch which determined whore will keep slutting it up with a short dress the furthest into the winter. You may not agree with her actions but dammit you respect her.

11. No more random shirtlessness (unless you’ve really decided to commit)

12. Finally, the cold is on your side. Everyone is much more likely to say yes to “hey, do you guys want to come back with us and check out our hot tub?”

13. Corollary to the previous point: No matter how close their building is to their apartment’s jacuzzi, it will feel 10 times that distance when it’s snowy any you’ve drunkenly elected to make this journey barefoot. Oh, and their key to the gate will never work. Ever.

14. You start gradually depleting your Christmas present funds to buy people shots. Because what are shots but little presents anyway?

15. It’s now wayyyy to cold to hang out at the mostly outdoor freight house district. No more pretending to watch baseball while you get hammered until next year (oh wait, baseball is over? who the hell knew?)

We know it’s Rivalry Week here at the University of Nevada and we clearly know what’s gonna happen on Saturday when we play beat the shit out of UNLV. And they’re probably really bummed about it because A. they know they’re going to lose B. We’re now ranked in the top 25 IN THE NATION. We can’t all be winners, but we’re glad we are. So, to make the ugly stepchild down south feel better, here’s a list of the things they’re in the top 25 for.

Seeeeee Yaaaaaaaaaaa

  • Clogged toilets in sororities (they claim it’s from Roberta’s Tacos but we’re pretty sure its the binge eating they all do after UNLV’s academic rankings come out).
  • Heroine usage on a college campus
  • Sales of Insane Clown Posse records per capita
  • Number of D-Bags that still quote Borat
  • Collegiate Greek Communities acting as petri dishes for the development and mutation of fun new STD’s
  • Laptops turned into the student tech center with hard drive failures directly related to Anime Porn
  • People who think the civil war isn’t over and that it’s “just half time” (don’t believe us? Check the mascot)
  • Clearly pro slavery

  • Most joint cases of auto-erotic asphyxiation and glue huffing
  • College Girls that think they’re hot, but they’re really just whores (note from male staff writer: those two things don’t always have to be mutually exclusive) (note from female staff writer: you’re gross)
  • Largest amount of “Mistake” tattoos.
  • Highest percent of student population who identify themselves as “attending their backup school”.
  • Major school in close geographic proximity to where Colin Kaepernick went to high school that didn’t offer him a scholarship.
  • Percentage of female students whose new “cover-up makeup” may actually be the beginning stages of jaundice
  • Largest amount of babies born abandoned in trashcans
  • Highest number of convicted pedophiles on one campus
  • Most number of Students who are Team Jacob
  • Most number of students who care about that
  • Percent of male student body who own at least 2 wigs
  • Stretch marks per square inch of sorority girl
  • That's at least a 7 down there

  • Future welfare recipients
  • Worst places to go to college
  • Least beautiful campus in America
  • Highest disparity between coolness of the campus and to the city it is in
  • Largest “Students for Sharon Angle” group in the world

And last, but not least….

  • Best place to take a roadtrip to when you know your school’s football team is going to abuse them like Lindsey Lohan abuses cocaine.

If any of you have been to any Nevada football games this year, you probably noticed two things.  One, at $7.50/beer the university is basically asking you to sneak in a flask.  And Two, Colin Kaepernick is a man among boys out there.  He truly is becoming a Wolf Pack legend.  But did you know oh unlearned one, that there is much more to young Colin than his dominance at the pigskin?  Read on dear friend, as the Nevada SpaceSuit educates you on the subject of #10, with part two of out Kaep facts.

  1. You can get pregnant just by reading about him.  Raise the child to be a masculine child.
  2. Would throw touchdowns to himself if it was allowed.
  3. When he was a kid, his dad didn’t take him fishing, they went lion-ing.  And yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like.  They killed lions.
  4. He is going to win the Heisman.
  5. Kaep, not Michael Jordan, was actually Bugs Bunny’s first choice to help defeat the Mon-Stars in “Space Jam”.
  6. He’s an unlockable character on Mortal Kombat 2.
  7. He doesn’t know it yet, but we’re getting married.
  8. The Warren G. and Nate Dogg hit “Regulators” is actually a detailed account of Kaep’s first day of fourth grade.
  9. The original design for Optimus Prime called for him to transform into not a truck, but into Colin Kaepernick.
  10. He cannot tell a lie.
  11. The military doesn’t actually have smart homing missile technology.  It just seems that way because they have Kaep throwing all their bombs.
  12. He knows every secret handshake.
  13. The man doesn’t even drive to school.  It’s faster when he sprints.
  14. He didn’t ever have to use a slammer in pogs.  He smacked those little novelty disc-shaped bitches with his mind.
  15. If Kaep were Harry Potter, he totally would’ve been getting it on with Hermione since at least the third movie.  Although there wouldn’t have been a third movie because Kaep would’ve just killed Voldemort when he was like six or seven.
  16. Just looking at Kaepernick is what turned Lindsay Lohan straight again.
  17. He was in the first draft of “The Expendables”, but had to be written out when he made everyone else appear too effeminate.
  18. He also invented iPod nano’s by squishing his first iPod between his pecs.
  19. He possesses a real ocarina of time.  And a bad-ass double sided light saber.  And a Delorean that travels through time.
  20. He’s just unbelievable at “Words With Friends”.
  21. He could kick Kellen Moore’s ass.

    This joker? Kaep could do it one handed

  22. If he were blue he would look surprisingly like an Avatar.
  23. He would be the best player on the Nevada baseball team.  If any one gave a shit about baseball anyway.
  24. He has more real friends than you have Facebook friends.
  25. He is probably a member of the Men In Black.  Remember that.  Just in case we ever face to face and make contact.
  26. Based on his arm strength and lithe build we’re just going to go ahead and assume he killed everyone at “butt’s up” in elementary school.

I had an insightful chat with my brother this morning.  A chat that cut to my very core, and truly showed me how irresponsible I’ve become this summer.  You see we really haven’t written many articles this summer.  We’ve been living foot-loose and fancy free (ie we’ve been drinking heavily), and haven’t found the time to write any articles for our adoring fans (there’s at least 4 of them, maybe 2 if we don’t count ourselves).  You see,  we should have  been writing articles this summer instead of seeing if there was any fun way to blow $5 million bucks on football after we just cut 12 majors due to “underfunding” (which was a total success by the way).
Anyway, to make sure this never happens again, the Nevada SpaceSuit has taken 5 seconds away from watching the video of the gay flight attendant jumping out of the plane while we’re at work to put together this alphabet list of helpful tips to freshmen and upperclassmen who just haven’t learned.  So without further ado, here are 26 ways to put together your class schedule and manage your time now that you’re a big kid.

  1. Don’t schedule any classes at 8am.  Your teachers don’t grade on a “how hungover is this kid?” curve.
  2. If you do have an 8am class, for the love of Kaepernick make sure it’s not a 4 days a week class.  You do that and you’re just asking for your roommate to taunt you with “I didn’t even wake and bake until you were done with Spanish for an hour.  An hour bro”.
  3. Unless you work 40 hours a week, night classes should not be an option. You’ve got babes to swoon and beer to drink. and we’ll guarantee that 95.4% of the time, you won’t even show up.
  4. Take the time to go to welcome week.  In 20 years no one will give a shit what hi-jinks Peter got into on TBS’ re-run of family guy.  But everyone wants to here about that “busting out of her shell” girl from Alaska you hooked up with at the pancake breakfast.
  5. 50 minute classes =  Best.Thing.Ever.  It’s just the right amount to go on youtube without getting bored.
  6. You may not realize it but you’ve been living a lie these last 18 years.  The weekend doesn’t start on Friday, it starts Thursday at about 3:00.  All of the best parties, drink specials, and Greek Balls happen on Thursday nights.  I’m not sure why this is the case, but I’m glad it is. Don’t schedule class on Friday.
  7. And if you do schedule class on Friday it better not be after 10.  Campus turns into a ghost town every week Friday after 12:00.  If you do have a Friday afternoon class it will just be you, a big group of asian kids who are always smoking, and football players wandering around the library trying to figure out how to get out of practice.

    The quad on friday afternoons (for the most realistic listening re-creation, imagine that indian flute noise playing the background as you look at this picture)

  8. If you’re going to rush, take your time to test out all of the frats and let them woo you a little bit.  However, please be aware of the blurry line between wooing, and some brother from SAE trying to put his finger inside you.
  9. Always take time to check out the latest edition of Coffin & Keys.  C&K is just  like the Nevada Space Suit, but with 3 times the same recycled dick jokes and absurd amounts of derogatory comments about women… and almost half the funny.
  10. Don’t believe me? I haven’t seen this edition yet but I can guarantee there will be at least 3 jokes about getting some Baberaham Lincoln and/or phi delt to “slob your knob”
  11. . One out of four freshmen fail out after their first semester.  LEAVE  TIME TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK. I can guarantee you that the fun you’ll have the  four to five years you’re in college will more than make up for you missing the totes rad kegger at the Edge apartments while you studied for your math test. Also, I’m sure you’ll enjoy that 3 million dollars more you’re expected to earn over your lifetime if you finish. P.S. the keggers at the Edge are never that rad.
  12. Freshman year is just the beginning. Usually junior year (20-21, IF YOU STAY ON TRACK) is generally your peak. You’re socially established, you’ve grown into your looks (aka shed the freshman 15) and you’ve mastered the hangover.
  13. The closer you are to being late to your class, the more the shuttle driver will screw around.  The same people who won’t wait 5 seconds for you at 12:45 are feeling easy like a Sunday morning at 12:58.

    Not breaking a lot of land speed records.

  14. Don’t buy the hype, you really only have to do laundry twice a month.  Boxers work just as good inside out.
  15. If you want to get a treadmill at Lombardi don’t go around five.
  16. If you want to see boobie-bouncing city (the best of all cities), only go to Lombardi around five.
  17. All this spare time you have now?  Do something fun or creative with it.  You can play Call Of Duty 2 your whole life.  But only in college can you take a body painting class you find on Craigslist (although don’t actually do that example, going to a body painting class you found on Craigslist sounds like getting the carpool lane to your own murder).
  18. Don’t go to the Overlook around noon if you have somewhere to be in an the next 30 minutes.  Between glut of people trying to get good Chinese food (wayyyy better than Panda express) and the general malaise/third grade level of change counting of the checkout people, it’s gonna take a while to get out of there.
  19. Get your free football and basketball tickets early.  Nothing sucks like having to stand in line (and away from the tailgating area) to pay $5 for a ticket you could’ve got for free if you hadn’t been so busy watch The Price Is Right.
  20. That being said, still take time to watch The Price Is Right.  Ain’t no party like a TPIR party.
  21. If you happen to be drunk somewhere out of Sierra Spirit range.  Wait.  Use this time to wander around, bum some cigs, and catch up on your drunk dials.  The time spent sobering up will be no where near the time of community service you’ll have to do if/when you get a DUI.
  22. The shuttle ride up to the health center is always worth it for the free condoms.  Definitely shorter than a ride to the coat hanger and poison store.
  23. If you spend more than an hour per day thinking about marijuana procurement you’re in big trouble.
  24. Schedule your classes with your friends now.  Chances are you’ll all have different majors and English 102 is going to be your last hurrah before you’re going to have to branch out and start doing group projects with kids who must be here on some sort of retarded kid outreach program for people who don’t do any of the work.
  25. Don’t dedicate to much of your time freshmen year to one boy or girl.  There’s 17,000 people at this school. You’re 18 years old and way to young to be making any kind of commitment now.  Get out there, meet people, befriend someone from another country, hook up with a fat chick, it’s all good baby, you’re in college now, get out of your shell.And P.S. if the boy or girl you’re dedicating all this time to is still in high school… Just stick a butt plug in yourself and change your name to Sapphire. It would be a lot less gay then what you’re doing now.

    Hi, my name is Constance. I want to talk to you about prom committee and ruin your life.

  26. Save up your STD tests for the free testing weeks at the health center.  It’s kind of like cashing in all the points on the mac and cheese boxes all at once.  Except instead of a cheap bike, you get herpes medicine.

You may have heard that Boise State has officially left the WAC.  After next year they will officially become part of the Mountain West Athletic Conference or MWAC (see it’s like WAC except with an extra M on the front, so you know its better).  You might be a little confused by all this, how should you feel?  Happy?  Sad?  A little constipated?  Well fear not intrepid reader, because in the following column the Nevada Space Suit will break down the pros and cons of the BS University and their decision to leave the WAC.

1. We can be King of the WAC

Pro: Not everybody gets this chance, I mean look at The Ohio State. They’ll definitely be National Champions, but WAC champs? No way. They’re so totes jeal.

Con: Being king of the WAC without Boise is like being the smart kid on the short bus.

2. Having one of the most epic games of the season on Thanksgiving weekend was just a pain in the ass

Pro: We no longer have to juggle football and family. For some reason your mom just didn’t understand why “that damn football game” was so important and why you wouldn’t come home to see her. Ya, we’re saying you’re mom is dumb.

Con: Now you’ll have to talk to her.

3. So long, smurf turf.

Pro: I’m pretty sure the paint on it was lead based, which may be why all the Broncos always had those glossy dead eyes and the cheerleaders had that angry caveman look.

Con: I’ll have less occasion to say the word smurf next year, leaving me that much more dead inside.

4. We don’t have to deal with Boise and their disturbingly large pack of traveling fans.

Pro: This suggests that there may not in fact be too much to do in Boise on the weekend. (Or ever). But now we won’t ever have to walk into a packed Mackay Stadium that has more fans cheering for the away team than cheering for the Pack.

Con: We’ll also never get to walk into a packed Mackay Stadium again.

5. We won’t have two rivals anymore

Pro: We can finally put all of our hatred filled energy where it rightfully belongs: slurred drunken put downs solely aimed at those failures at UNLV, who will one day bag my groceries.

Con: There’s a very real danger that Fresno will now become our biggest rival.  We have officially dropped from middle class to white trash.  In dorm terms we’re moving from Nye to Juniper.  Yeah, maybe now you get how serious this is.


Now that we’ve had a good laugh,  I think it might be possible that some of you out there still don’t quite comprehend what this does to Nevada football.  The WAC was like That 70’s Show.  Okay, it wasn’t a huge deal American Idol or 24, but people still knew who we were and thought we were pretty swell guys.

In this analogy the university is Fez, popular, but not Kutcher.  Boise State leaving is like when Eric and Kelso got too big for the show and left in season seven.  UNR, like Fez gets more storylines and is now the main character on the show.  The only problem is no one effing cares about that show anymore.  Let’s be frank, finally scoring with Jackie (winning the WAC title), isn’t quite as impressive when there are only 2 dudes on the show (that being said I would give my left arm to hook up with Jackie Burkhart).

The weekend is fast approaching and it is party time.  We’re now on the RIGHT side of Spring Break and midterms and the weather is getting warm.  Velcro your shoes boys and girls, it’s party season.  There is no better time to go out and cruise the bars with your best mates than spring.  School’s almost out, people aren’t wearing winter coats to The Break, and bros from Sig Ep can get excited that the kids from the Davidson Academy are one year closer to finally being legal.

Spring is here, you have to go out.  But when you do, make sure you do it with the right crew.  The best number of people for a crew, like wife swapping and bobsledding, is four.  Four gives you all the benefits of a big group with the flexibility of a small one.  There are enough people that you probably won’t end up in a fight, but there are few enough people that you probably won’t cause one either.  You can split into pairs so no one is left out and you can also employ the buddy system. Note that this team only applies to the fellas.  Our roster for the ladies team will be coming soon.

The Dream Team

The Wildcard: This is the guy that makes the night, without him there you might as well be sitting at home looking for something on Chat Roulette that’s not a 15 year old girl or a guy’s curiously shaped dong, plowing through a bag of Cheetos Puffs.  He’s the one that has little to no inhibition and has a 50-50 shot of ending his night in the party hall of fame or the jail on Parr blvd.

The Vinny Chase: Just like Vince from Entourage, this is the superstar of your team.  He’s so cool that his peripheral handsomeness can get guys like Turtle and Jonny Drama laid on a fairly consistent basis.  Chances are he also writes some kind of really sensitive poetry and plays the guitar or something.  Girls love this guy, and if he wasn’t your friend, you would hate him.  He’s one of those dudes who definitely would have been like the preppy villain in a movie from the 80’s movie.  However, as long as you’re not Anthony Micheal Hall or the Karate Kid this really isn’t so bad.  One of the unfortunate things about bringing the Vinny Chase along is that you know he’s always going to go for the hottest girl.  In a group that’s like the Spice Girls, where they’re all babes, this isn’t so much of a problem.  However if you happen to be hanging out with more of a Brady Bunch type group, with a clear Marsha and then some Jan’s, chances are you’re settling that night.  While the Vinny Chase can be a double edged sword, in the end he is always worth it to have around.  Especially if he can introduce you to a 5’5″ wise crackin’ agent who takes no prisoners but is always in to hug it out (bitch).

Yellow Pages: This guy not only knows everybody, but he knows what they’re doing too.  If you ever need something to go just ask yellow pages, he’ll have two house parties and a VIP section lined up before you finish asking him.  Yellow Pages has procured this impressive list of numbers in a few ways.  Firstly, he never deletes anyone, because you never know when you’re gonna be in a tight spot and the only way out is your chem lab partner from 5 semesters ago.  Secondly, even though he’s a fifth year senior he’s some how manage to only ever take lecture classes.  He posts up at the back of the class and grades himself on how many numbers he gets, not how many test questions he gets right.

The Hammer:  Here we have the tough guy of the crew.  He is the biggest of your friends and can probably drink everyone under the table.  If you’re a dude never underestimate the power of having a really huge guy with you who can come up and say “is their a problem here?”.  This will stop a lot of fights before they even start.  And let’s be real, there’s gonna be a night when you need someone to pick you up from under one of the benches at Pub n’ Sub and put you in the back seat.  Who besides The Hammer is going to help you out in that situation? Because I can guarantee you it won’t be the bouncer at Imperial, he only uses his massive forearms to push you out the door and on to the side walk.

You: Hopefully are one of the four above, if not cut somebody.  Just make sure it’s not the hammer, because he looks like Thor and will break you like Ivan Drago.

The alternates

The Dream Team isn’t always available, at some point everyone has to go to a Robert Pattinson movie with their girlfriend or go have a circle jerk with the rest of Coffin and Keys in a grave yard.  But luckily, there are acceptable alternates:

The Leader of Men: We all have friends like this.  They think they’re the alpha male and they want everyone to know it.  They yell out proclamations like “This is the most EPIC night of all time”.  And, “It’s past midnight on a Thursday, call me a taxi so we can get the hell out of the Break.  To the Wal!  He’s also gonna make you shoot whiskey at some point so look alive!

Mr. “I’m Down”: No matter what you propose, this guy will answer with “I’m Down”.  He’s just up for anything.  Don’t underestimate the value of the guy who is just as likely to be your wingman on a late night booty call as he is to wait with you in the McDonald’s parking lot until 5am when they start serving breakfast.

The Guy With The Great Ideas: For some reason this guy is always thinking outside of the box.  The average person, when a little buzzed and heading home, will ask whoever’s driving them to take them to Jack in the Box or something.  This isn’t good enough for great ideas guy.  He’ll always have a much better idea like going to the Peppermill for $5 Omlettes, going to the GSR for some drunken laser tag (which btw, is was underrated as an activity),  or getting a 12 pack, rallying, and getting some skateboards to luge down Sierra Street with.  You don’t know how he comes up with these plans but you don’t care, all that matters is that they’re always awesome.

Don't underestimate how much better this will look to you at 2:30 tonight when you're a little sauced

The Guy Who Snuck Away From His GF:  This is your buddy from awhile ago who’s been in a relationship FOREVER.  He’s constantly saying he’s going to meet up with you but then at the last second has to cancel to go to his gf’s cousin’s violin recital or some other queer thing like that.  Well he’s finally able to get out and while the cat’s away the mice will do a couple lines and streak down 9th Street.  Just remember to go along with his “we went to see Kick-Ass” alibi anytime his old lady asks you about what you guys did.

Who you don’t want:

Stay away from these jokers like you stay away from anything above math 181.  They will not enhance you’re night, they will only make it worse.  Yeah sometimes they can deviate from the norm and have a good night, but doesn’t mean anything.  Kate Hudson was in “Almost Famous”, but that doesn’t mean she’s generally in good movies.  Sometimes in life its just better to say no.  Well its ALWAYS  best to say no to these guys:

Mr. I Don’t know my limits: Some people just can’t handle alcohol. Unfortunately not everyone has realized this yet.  This guy starts out fun, but then ends up throwing down a handle and totally makes an ass of himself all night.  And by ass we mean he’s gonna throw up in your car and maybe kick out a juke box.

The Al Capone: Wants to commit crimes.  We don’t what this bro’s problem is but he always wants to do some crazy shit like steal from 7-11 or jump some kids who gave him the awkward eye at a red light.  He’s a loose cannon.  Good in a fight, but not when you’re trying to avoid one.

The Guy From Elko: It’s all in the title really.

Ben Rothleisberger:  Some guys just don’t realize no means no.  What’s funny is the odds are that this guy will actually physically resemble the actual big Ben.  Kind of pudgy, goatee/chin beard, backwards hat, and a cock that just doesn’t take no for an answer. (PS is it funny that everyone was so surprised about Ben Rothleisberger even though he dresses and acts like a 6th year frat dude?).  Anyway, if you don’t want to end up having to appear in court in a couple of months, its best to leave this guy back at the house.

The One Who Brings His Girlfriend: He’ll insist that she’s cool.  That she’s just like one of the guys and you’ll totally be able to do all the same things you would do if she wasn’t there.  Unless she’s cool with going to a strip club and then is physically able to swiftly jump fences as you run away because the Wildcard was buying dances with monopoly money, than this is not true.  Girlfriends have a time and a place but guy’s night out is not one of them.  You wouldn’t bring a knife to a gun fight and you sure as hell shouldn’t bring a lady to a Fella’s Friday.

Anyone under a 6 who’s also not funny: Brings the whole team down.  he’s the anti-Vinny Chase.  You’re better than that.

Ed Hardy:  Wears exclusively Ed Hardy, maybe even has some of the Ed Hardy decals or air fresheners that they sell at Wal-Mart.  His hair will be gelled into helmet like fashion, likely in some sort of faux-hawk or spike arrangement.  He will smell like a mixture of Josh Hartnett cologne, sweat (from dancing with the mad honeys), and Zima.  Beer belly or not, his shirt is a level of tightness that leads many to wonder if its really a shirt or if he just painted his body black and then stuck on a sticker of a tiger jumping out of a rose or something (although the sleeves of this shirt will never go low enough to cover his Chinese symbol tattoo that means “ferocity”  or “strength” or “let me fuck with this white guy who doesn’t know Chinese”).  Reno is full of these so they can be hard to avoid.  Just know that if one of your friends spends more than 3 minutes on their hair, or won’t shut up about their Real World video that they just submitted, you should probably not ever tell him where you’re really going.

the height of Ed Hardy's guy's fashion

Valentine’s Day is swiftly approaching so we here at the SpaceSuit offices thought we should address the topic of love.  One of the things that makes college so magical is the possibility of meeting your future spouse in your poli sci class or over an orange kool-aid post-orgy.  However, no one just walks into the one they want to spend the rest of their life with, and the people who do well we hope you divorce each other. For everybody else who’s love life isn’t like as straight forward as a fortune cookie …. You’ve gotta drink a lot of vodka and you have to date a lot of people.  Here to help you see who some of these lucky individuals are gonna be, here’s a list of the people you WILL hookup with in college.

The Drunken Mystery

Did we? didn’t we? I can’t tell.  All you know for sure is that you can’t find your panties and that in and of itself is a problem. This probably happened before you realized pouring Crystal Light in your Vod isn’t the same as using a mixer and you had a bit too much to drink (or it could also be the night you found out the Cue and Cushion will give you 10 beers for $1 on Mondays, the choice, as Olmec from Legends of The Hidden Temple would tell you, “Is yours and yours alone”).  Anyway you’ll end up hooking up with someone that night, and then totes not remembering it at all the next morning.  You’ll hear stories about this person from your friends.  Sometimes they’re good, sometimes they’re bad; either way your mind will never be totally at ease until you figure out who it was.  Every time you pass a hottie you’ll hope it was them, and every time you pass someone who looks like they would be more at home in the Death Star’s trash compactor room you’ll shudder and remind yourself that you really do need to get up to the health center for that gonorrhea test.  Although we will say that the process of elimination on figuring out who it was is just thrilling.  It’s like playing a real-life version of “Guess Who”.

The Dorm Buddy

When you’re a freshman, pretty much anyone is hot. You know why? Because you can have sex whenever you want.  Also the stir fry at the DC has a lot of MSG.  That combined with the warm Dr. Pepper under your roommate’s bed will spark a chemical reaction that leads to blowing guys named “Big E” or “Scooter”.

High School GF/BF

We get it. You had a connection.. you watched the whole series of the OC together. Bottom line  is that you’ve been dating since you were 16.  Well, now you’re in college and to tell you the truth, there are wayyy hotter peeps out there. AND you don’t have to marry them (Unless you’re reading this from a computer at BYU, then you actually probably do).

The Grenade

Everyone’s gotta take one for the team sometime.  The fat friends are never content to just sit in your living room while you cook yourself some drunk ramen and your roommate takes their friend upstairs to show her his Jack Johnson records.  She’ll get bored (read: hungry) and your boy’s gonna have to take his CD out before “Banana Pancakes” is even over.  So, you’re gonna have to do some entertaining, and possible MO’ing.  One man always has to jump on the grenade to keep it from hitting everyone.  You won’t take it every time, but you will take it.

The Study Buddy

Here’s how this will happen.  It will be late, you’ll be sick of writing your GD Biology Lab and you’ll notice just how good your lab partner looks. It may or may not be the fact that you’re sleep deprived, eight Rock Stars deep and haven’t gotten some action since youporn became a pay site. Bottom line is there are four floors and a shit ton of book shelves.

The Face Book Whore

This person is more notable for what happens post-hookup.  Naturally since you’ve seen this girl naked you’re gonna want to add her as a friend on facebook, chivalry demands it.  Anyway after you add her you’re going to notice that this girl has like 2,000 friends.  Now, being a man you know why you add girls as “friends” on facebook.  This chick gets around.  Every time you see someone poke her you’re gonna kind of freak out.  And then you’re gonna see she’s friends with the whole basketball team and you’re gonna fell a little… actually just little.

The “Oh Shit I Was Jaded By The Summer”

Everybody just looks better tan.  And half naked.  And with no one else around to talk to except the cougars at your work.

Case and point.

The Substitute

Sometimes you have yourself a situation.  This arises when you’ve been going after one person at the bar/club/dance/swap meet all night.  You’ve been chatting them up and having drinks, mentally prepared to consummate the night in the back seat of your Geo.  And then suddenly they’re gone.  Maybe you went to the bathroom? Maybe you stepped out to take a call? Maybe they just saw you in better lighting? Either way they’re gone and now you’re a Stan without a plan (or a Linus with no vaginas).  so what do you do?  Do you give up on the night and go home to slam your head through the wall?  Or, do you continue your plans, but with a new participant?  Enter The Substitute.  Chances are that even if you’ve been going for one target you’ve been aware of the bar’s other possibilities all night.  Maybe it’s the guy who keeps not subtly staring at your chest?  Maybe it’s the girl with the birth mark and the low self-esteem? Trust us when we say you’ll know them when you see them.  Anyway, as you so often do when you’re drunk and residually horny, you make a decision that you otherwise would not.  You settle for less because you’re in a time crunch and quite frankly you don’t care any more.  But don’t look down on The Substitute.  Rather, view them akin to the way you think of  eating 30 Bagel Bites.  In the morning you’re  not gonna feel good about yourself and question some of your decision making processes.  But when you’re eating them drunk at 2:30am on your beanbag?  There’s nothing sweeter.

The Most Passable Person In A Boring Class.

This is a phenomenon much like beer goggles except that it happens before the mid to late afternoon.  When you walk into a class you immediately size up all the talent and see if there’s any girls with a hotness level of Topanga or above.  You’ll categorize them in your head within the first two class periods.  You will have your  “always checkouts”, your “sometimes checkouts – always if showing a lot of boob”, and the “moderate to never checkouts”.  There won’t be a Topanga in every class. in many of them you’ll be left with nothing but D.J. Tanner level girls and broken dreams.  Anyway, you’ll end up hooking up with a girl who might be a gem in your CH discussion, but in the real world she’s just another 6.

The Pi Beta Phi

I think they have to eff like 15 dudes before they can become a full fledged sister.  I think it the same deal  Mohawk Braves have with white man scalps.

The One That Got Away… but you still compare everyone else to them

Listen, we’ve all got this person.  And I believe you. You were meant to be together and if it wasn’t for your serious black tar heroin addiction, you’d still be  feeling each other up in the library.  This is the one person who at the mention of their name, it sends you into a tizzy. And by tizzy, I mean alcoholic rage. But listen, it’s not fair to compare the one that got away to the one you’re dating now.

So although our blog is hilarious and we’re rapidly approaching world wide fame with 268 Facebook fans,  it’s not always an easy life. We tend to be offensive, obnoxious, biased, funny, spiteful, single minded and most importantly, filled with this unshakable Pack Pride. (suck on that UNLV). But, turns out not everybody is on Team NSS. To show you the rough life we lead (sex, drugs and blog rolls) we’ve posted some of our best hate mail. And of course, our responses.

From: John Wilkins afconnery@unr.edu 134.197.22.10

Your article contains the following error:
“Not only is today the Nevada SpaceSuit’s birthday, but it is also Veteran’s Day. That’s right, we have the same birthday as the armed services”

The armed services came about with the creation of the United States Army on June 14th, 1775. I thought you guys were in college. You couldn’t even research a rather easy topic like Veteran’s Day. It was made to honor veterans.

So, next time you want to go out and act like idiots, don’t do it while you claim to be this great free media. You give intelligent free-thinkers a bad name.

Our response:

Our dearest John Wilkins,

We are so sorry for offending you. We’ll have our editors fix it right away! But to tell you the truth, Wikipedia was down that day so we just made it up. Kinda like the rest of this blog…

But how’s this for some research? We didn’t want to let you down again.

Name: CONNERY, FREDERICK (FRED)

Title: ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT III

Department: CAMPUS RECREATION & WELLNESS

Mail Stop: 0422
Location LRC230

Phone: (775) 784-1546

Fax: (775) 784-1330

Email: fconnery@unr.edu

Oh, and we’re lovin your user pic http://www.facebook.com/fred.connery?ref=nf



From: Sir Thomas More ertnlv89@gmail.com

At least the Red Cannon looks better then the puke paintjob UNR puts it on it. Must be the budget cuts.

Our Response:

Thanks for chiming in Sir Thomas. I must tell you we’re honored that you took time off from battling the evils of Lutheranism to time travel forward to 2009 to weigh in the color of the cannon (which in all honesty must be surprising to you in many ways, as cannons will not be introduced in Europe until after you die. For serious, are you having an Encino Man going to the amusement park with Pauly Shore moment right now?). Anyway, two points on what you just said:
1. 63 points on 773 yards. Go ahead and read that again.
2. I have to question your diet if your definition of normal puke color is a majestic navy blue. We’re not sure what you’re eating but maybe you should try getting some more fruit in there or something bro.

Majestic Navy Blue is an Understatement

Okay, and sometimes (about as often as I get that weird rash) we get some fan mail:


From: Little Blogdorf blogdorf.wordpress.org mike@lilwal.com

Nice poem. Dr. Suess meets Dr. Dre. I always thought the only thing missing from Suess books were gratuitous vulgarity. Well done. Keep up the good work.

Our response:

Thanks Blogdorf,
Like both Doctors, Seuss and Dre, we are in fact straight outta Compton. So I guess it’s just in our DNA.

From: Caitlin Cakey56@hotmail.com

Just wanted to let you guys know how much this blog kicks ass. It kinda made me want to start writing at the University. Wow, I know. A little intense. But its true. I write the sex column for the UNR Sagebrush and I try to keep it silly and edgy (well, as much as I can get away with at the fucking Sagebrush. Ha ha. Keep up the good shit and check out my writings if you are ever bored. Also, I’m always down for advise from a more experienced writer as I am totally new to this.
-Caitlin Thomas
ps-WHO ARE YOU GUYS? Haha

Our response:

We really appreciate those kind words Caitlin. But to tell you the truth, it’s making me uncomfortable. I only know how to put people down and make sarcastic comments (call me a passive aggressive, if you must). So in all honestly, I’m gonna have to make this short. So thanks for the fan mail, keep up your creepy sex columns for the Sagebrush (I’m sorry, I’m just not as open with my sexuality as you are after the third baby-scare). And seriously, don’t rely on us for inspiration to “kinda make you want to start writing at the University” – we’re an unreliable source (as John Wilkins will confirm) and really we’re mostly drunk.

The 00’s are winding down faster than your Dad after a hard day at the mill… and we can’t believe it’s over.  A lot of sweet ass stuff happened this decade: first black president, puberty, going to college, B2K, you participating in your first make shift abortion, Jersey Shore, etc.  Everyone and your  mom is doing a list about the best of this decade.  Not the Nevada SpaceSuit.  Instead, we are going to give you our top predictions for things that will happen in the upcoming decade.  As evidenced by our horoscopes we’re bordering on Miss Cleo levels of psychic ability (secretly hardest word ever to spell right on the first time: psychic), so you should really pay attention. So here it is, our top alphabet list (this one goes all the way to Z!) of “The Teens: the stuff that’s 100% for sure happening in the next decade”

A. With the apocalypse upon us, God asks for his voice back from journalism professor Paul Mitchell.

B. You get married.

C. You get divorced.

D. The Nevada SpaceSuit still has a readership of under 200 people.

E. Mattel perfects and then mass markets hoverboards by 2015.  This one has to happen so that Back To The Future II can come true-although that’s actually true for a lot of things…

F. NEVADA finally adopts a hand gesture that looks like an actual wolf and stops stealing Texas’ hook ’em horns gesture.

G. Chris Ault introduces a new offense.  This one’s called WINNING.

H. Sales of Call of Duty will surpass most European nation’s GDP’s

I. Soccer will finally fulfill its destiny and become the most popular sport in America.

J. No it won’t.  It’s gay.

K. The shuttle drivers figure out how to space themselves out from each other.

L. Sarah Palin loses the next election, my aunt Pam can’t believe it.

M. Nevada 2100 in the Sagebrush will have failed to get any of their predictions right.  Plus it still won’t ever be funny.

N. The Athletic Department will add another wolf mascot. Her name will be Alphina. You know, so Alphie can finally get laid.

O. Casey Stiteler will run and win the position of ASUN President. Everyone still thinks it’s Eli Reilly.

P. Someone from the basketball team actually graduates

Q. Phi Delt finally reestablishes contact with the mother ship

R. I finally make the transition into being the creepy old guy at the club

S. Marcellus Kemp stops to think about how much he misses college, but goes back to cooking the fries.

T. Reno is finally able to anticipate winter coming and gets their shit together with more than 9 snow plows for the whole city.

U. Tila Tequila finally finds true love

V. Kids will talk about Twilight was such a classic from “back in the day”.  You will just want to slap the shit out of these kids.

W. A couple football players wear something other than matching Nevada sweat pants.

X. They are immediately ostracized.

Y. ASUN vice President Charlie Jose has to start shaving more than once every 3 months.

Z. The real Mark Fox is found in a lab outside Fernley. It is revealed that an evil clone engineered by Utah State quit the coaching job at Nevada and everything in the world makes sense again.

This article is for some of our basketball players who were recently caught in a little incident at Scheels. For those of you who haven’t heard, some of our fine young gentlemen were recently charged with petty larceny for taking some sporting equipment and have been suspended indefinitely. Now needless to say we here at the Nevada SpaceSuit are troubled by this. To do our part to make sure it never happens again, we present you this:

 
The Nevada SpaceSuit’s guide to Stealin’ Mo’ Betta.

First we’ll give you a list of things before you go a-stealin’:

1. Check and see if you’re a member of an organization that has an endorsement deal with the world’s largest international sporting goods company (like, oh say Nike). If so, you can probably get whatever you need for free. But y’know, maybe you want a canoe or something like that, well if that’s the case then you really pretty much gotsta steal right? Right.
2. So the next thing you’re gonna want to do is case the joint. If it seems like it just opened three days prior, and probably has a state-of-the-art security system, put it on your “maybe – no” list. Walk around, see if there’s a bunch of old, slower looking employees (like the special workers program they’ve got going on down at BIG 5).

3. Thinking of everything you saw, make a list of the things that you want the most. You’re not going to be able to take everything, and you don’t want to risk going in a second time. Remember, this is only one store, there are millions of stores to steal from in the world, don’t blow your load here.

4. Before you actually go to make the score, sew some pockets inside your jeans. Chances are you’re jeans are a little baggy anyway, and, if you’re as tall as your average basketball player, they’re pretty long too. This should give you a considerable storage capacity when you’re loading up on baseball gloves and Cowboy’s Jerseys.

5. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, I’m a 6’8” black guy. You know where no one will notice me? Reno, Nevada.” Now no one wishes this was true more than us, but the unfortunate truth is that in this po-dunk town, you stick out like a sore thumb. You’re probably going to want to invest in some sort of disguise. For best results, wait in the parking lot for an employee to come out for a smoke break. Smack them on their head like you’re trying to send a layup back to the second row, tie them up, and take their shirt and/or hat. (Note: Because you are massively tall, you may want to bring some fabric, needle, and yarn so you can alter their shirt to fit your insane giant’s body). Once inside (and in costume) follow this simple list of instructions. If you follow these to the letter, we totally promise you will not get caught.

Alright, now here’s the steps for the actual heist:

1. Everyone has probably seen your face in an interview. Don’t try to hide it by looking down because everyone is shorter than you and will see your face. Don’t try to hide it by looking up because that’s where the cameras are. Your best bet is to pull your newly acquired hat down way over your face.

2. Slyly grab everything you’re going to want from this particular store. Only take as much as will fit in your pants. Now I know you’re going to want to take a whole bunch, but remember your pants are only so big. It helps to remind yourself that you could either leave the store with most of the things you wanted or none of the things and a misdemeanor. Your call.

3. Look to your left and right, did anybody see you? What about the creeper in the corner?

4. If you feel someone is watching you, this is when you signal one of your accomplices to come ask the sales associate who is watching you where the hunting vests are. Everyone needs to know about hunting vests, it’s Reno.

5. If someone asks you to stop, this is where you just have to punch him out and make a run for it. I know its messy, but sometimes in order to benefit from your sweet air-forces, you’ve just gotta slap a bitch.

6. Cooly walk out of the building and go to your car. For insurance, put some of the stolen merch on the guy you knocked out, this will make his accusations seem less likely.

7. Don’t go back in the store to get more stuff. This is how you got caught the first time, settle down and get the rest of the stuff you need at Sport’s Authority, the one in Meadowood Mall has literally no system of security at all.

We’ve all dreamed of being someone else right?  Someone famous and powerful.  No midterms or needless assignments, life would be great right. BUt before you go ahead and wish for it Well in the spirit of shooting down dreams in a very Jimmy Stewart-ish fashion, we ask you to consider some of the bad parts of being that famous person whose identity you so crave.  Naturally fort he first edition of this we pick everyone’s favorite childhood icon: Mario from Super Mario Brothers.

To us it seems like Mario of Super Mario Brothers fame has it made.  He only works once every 2-3 years, his gf is a princess, him and his brother have the sweetest porno staches this side of Wes Welker, he wears red denim overalls, and to top it all off, there are literally little boxes with prizes in them everywhere he goes.  Just stop and think for a second about how much sweeter your life would be if there were little prize boxes just littering your path.  Seems pretty sweet eh?  Bet you wish you could trade your life for Mario’s right now?  Well you my friend are mistaken, there is no way you’d really want Mario’s life if you thought about it.

            For starters his girlfriend gets kidnapped constantly.  Think about how horrible it would be to lose a loved one.  Got it?  Good.  Now imagine (there’s no heaven) that she was kidnapped by a huge scary dinosaur.  A huge scary dinosaur who has like 4 really big castles with scary music playing in all of them on a constant loop.  Now realize there’s no way in H you’re going to go to the right castle on the first try.  In fact I’d say you’ve got like a 90 percent chance of not getting there until the last time.  Also, to even get to these castles Mario constantly has to go down a pipe.  Go down a pipe? Are you kidding me?  What would you do if a giant man eating flower retracted its head into a pipe?   Not fucking go down it.  Imagine jumping down an elevator shaft that has a monster in it.  Okay, so what Mario does is a little scarier than that.  Really, I don’t care how many sweet little coins are in that god-forsaken cavern, I’m not going down there.  Besides, there will be more coins around, I’m sure of it.  So you get back out of the tube and you see that there are some boxes around, one has maybe a growth mushroom, another maybe a fire flower.  Real quick how good for you do you think it is to ingest a flower that makes fire come out of your body?  Or crazier yet, a mushroom that makes you immediately double in size. Hmmm… probably no lasting side effects there. I mean why would there be?  So after you’ve drugged yourself up you start running toward the castle again and you see there’s some pretty huge abyss’ (what’s the official plural on that?) that you’re expected to jump over.  Think about steeling yourself up for that one.  Then think about doing it like 80 something times.  By the way, you aren’t exactly pulling all these athletic moves off in a pair of basketball shorts and running shoes.  You’re wearing denim bib overalls.  Denim bib overalls that are skin tight, I mean those b’s are painted on to your slightly robust body (and not really in an ultra flattering manner).  Also let’s get one thing straight right now.  Denim, skin tight, maybe a little sweaty, what’s that a recipe for?  Well if you guessed the chafe of your life you are correct sir.  You think you’d feel like attempting death-defying leaps in these bad boys?  Don’t kid yourself; you wouldn’t even want to walk to the garage to get a knife to cut yourself out of this “fat man corset”.

            “Wow SpaceSuit, this sounds pretty bad,” says you, “well at least there’s always the sweet release of death to free Mario from all of his trials and tribulations right?”  Wrong lad.  You, and your brother, die constantly.  Whether it’s falling into a cold, unforgiving, abyss, burning alive in a lake of fire, or getting kneecapped by an errant turtle shell, you’re coming back.  And where are you coming back to?  The very site of your death.  Whatever the controlling power of your universe may be (and I assume its not God for he would never be this cruel) finds it necessary to drop you back in and make you try it again.  And it isn’t like you can just run away from all of this, you’re forbidden from moving backward (Nintendo doesn’t like pussies).

            Under all these stresses you would for sure have a nervous breakdown, the pressure would get to you.  You think it didn’t get to Mario?  Let’s look at the indicators shall we?  He can’t control his weight, he allows himself and his family to constantly fall back into the same cycle of capture and rescue, and he hasn’t changed his clothes since 1986.  The guy is a walking time bomb.  Every couple of years him and his drinking buddies (his brother, an ape with a tie, and a guy who apparently has a mushroom for a head) go blow off steam by riding around one of their houses until someone gets road rage and starts firing off missiles.

            So, next time you think maybe you might want to be Mario, think again Copernicus.  And before you even ask, no you don’t want to be Link, don’t even go down that road; just break the wrist and walk away.

1. Always greet/thank the shuttle drivers profusely. Once just isn’t enough apparently.

2. Press the handicap button on the side door of the Frandsen Building to allow easy entry for your fellow students. That mother is heavy.

3. Keep your Facebook status always updated. It’s offensive to the rest of us if we don’t know where you are, what/who you are doing and your innermost thoughts transposed through shitty song lyrics.

4. Wish the athletes good luck on game day. Granted, the football and basketball players will look monumentally confused and offended, but the Rugby guys will probably buy you a drink. Or twelve.

5. Thank Tahoe Creamery for custom naming their ice cream flavors in honor of the Nevada campus. That’s right, you can enjoy The Joe, Mackay Mint and Wolf Pack Tracks all within the convenient means of campus. 

6. Pay Homage to John Mackay during finals. Ask him for good luck. Without this guy, we’d be just like San Jose State. Ewe.

7. When at the Wal, always buy a round of shots for you and 10 of your closest friends. We know, they raised it to a pricey $1.50 each, but if some people can buy friendship [g], everyone else can too.

8. Pick up your fuckin tickets to athletic games and fill up the student section. They aren’t just “get out of jail free” qdoba cards, you ungrateful sons of bitches.

9. Creepbook while only at home. I’m pretty sure the people at @one don’t want to know “who you’d rather get stuck in handcuffs with.”

10. When casually observing the divers at Lombardi, mind how long you watch. There’s a fine line between admiring the form of a few back flips and conspiracy to commit statutory rape.

Hey, nobody’s perfect. We do it too. Procrastination is at the heart of every valuable project. Here’s some of the best we watched while not writing our own publication.

Remember this blast from the past?

Fascinating.

The health care reform that is needed…

We don’t get it either.

Everyone’s Guilty Pleasure

What our school would be without the budget cuts.


A classic.

Even better than the first.

It’s our favorite show for a reason..

We have a thing for beatboxing and inspector gadget. But mainly, inspector gadget.

Told you.