Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

We know you’ve been wondering and yes, you will still be “popular” enough  next year to get into the student section at football games even though you don’t go to school anymore. Let go already.


Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Look you’re never gonna be famous.  Save us all the trouble and don’t move to LA for 5 years to “spread your art”.  Just cut out the middle man, apply to be the assistant manager at Chili’s and develop a minor drug problem.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

Well, you’ll gain two things on graduation day. One, is your degree – the other – is a DUI and Mugshot Graduation photo. Thought you were gonna be one of the lucky ones that got  through your whole college experience with out one? Too bad.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

I don’t know.  Captain of a shrimp boat?  Due to the continuing oil spill this is now impossible.  New advice, Become an oil spill insurance salesman.  People are freaked out right now,  strike while the iron is hot.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Graduation will be the hardest for you.  You partied harder and had more fun than the Leos and the Geminis combined.  But every ride has to end sometime.  Have fun adjusting to the real world.  Out there, you’re just another short guy with a liberal arts degree.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

Hellooooo post-college depression.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

A fast paced life of excitement awaits you in marvelous New York City!  There you’ll be living the life, riding the…. ah who are we kidding.  You’re gonna marry your gf, knock her up and stay in Reno.  It’s cool. Maybe when you’re 40 the weather will get nice.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

So you failed accounting?  Well good thing you’re hot and can marry a rich guy.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

You’ll be mauled and eaten by a brood of alligators.  Don’t blame me I’m just the messenger…

Aries (March 21-April 19):

You haven’t found a job yet and you’re certainly not going to find one in the next 3 days.  You’re gonna have to move back home.  Fair warning, hearing your roommate have sex through the wall the last 3 years has not prepared you for hearing your mom give it up to her new boyfriend Stephon.  Fucking Stephon.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

Grad school huh? Just an FYI- not as  drunkenly irresponsible as undergrad.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Scorpio just wants your money but go with it.  She’s hot.

Basketball Players (Jan 1-Dec 31)

Oh wait never mind.  None of you stick around long enough to graduate.  Again have fun in Germany.


Oh and you’ll all get fat.  Congratulations Everybody!

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February Horoscopes

February 8, 2010

February is the month of the Aquarians. Therefore, these horoscopes are going to be right on the nose. Like, I’d take us seriously this time or something will happen to you. We’re just not sure what.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

Hello, beautiful. You know, you look absolutely stunning this whole entire month.

We’re gonna pump our egos a little bit.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Go against the grain, skip the roses and chocolates for Valentine’s Day and instead get her a toupet and an Asian grad student to write her stump speeches for President’s Day.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

If we were to compare your life to a point in the first Bill and Ted movie, we’d say you’re right about to kidnap Abraham Lincoln from his office.  It’s kind of a lull right now but in a little bit you and all your wacky time traveling friends are gonna hit the mall and shit is just gonna go bananas.

ps. if you had a time machine and you use it to bring Abraham Lincoln all the way to 1988 to help with your history report wouldn’t you at least have the decency to give him the heads up on the assassination attempt coming his way in a few months?  It really seems like the least you could do.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Pancreatic.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

If you bet on the Saints this week you’re gonna win huge.  Wait what?  We should’ve remembered to publish this before the Super Bowl.  Dang.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

Just walk around campus listening to “Hot in Herrre” and and “Pimp Juice” on a loop.  Your week will be better.  Like alarmingly so.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

You’re gonna do something very bad and very illegal.  And you’re definitely gonna smell like pumpkins and shame afterwards.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

Be someone other than Lui Kang on Mortal Kombat this weekend.  We’re not impressed that you can shoot a lot of fire balls. It’s forward-forward-high punch, we know, we’ve known since 1991.  Grow up holmes

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

I don’t care what your girlfriend says she’ll let you do after, if you go to “Dear John” you might as well be cutting your penis off and running it up a flag pole for all to see.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

Someone who knows your deepest darkest secret will approach you about it.  You should just come clean and save yourself the embarrassment of a poorly thought out lie.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Awesome Ed Hardy shirt brah.  Also totes diggin’ the spikes up top with the oaks on the beak.  Let’s pump up the Creed and blow this joint.

Aries (March 21-April 19):

Make Saggittarius’ think that you know their deepest secrets.  They will spill everything.  And if we have to tell you to blackmail them after than you need this horoscope more than we imagined.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):
So you didn’t get shitastically hammered at the UNLV game. Go you! However, during the Homecoming game your outlook doesn’t look as lucky. An all day, weekend long celebration never really works out in your favor. Weird.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Also rhymes with Stegosaurus.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Swimming upstream is sometimes hard, little fish. But know that swallowing your pride is half the battle. This month, try and not talk only about yourself. That shiz gets annoying.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):
You know what we hate? Paper cuts. You should too. But only for October.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):
In the words of one of my Facebook friends who just updated their status, “haters can suck it.” Don’t get down on yourself this month Leo. Remember your leader,  Mufasa’s wisdom: “One day, Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new king.”

Aries (March 21-April 19):
We just want you to know that all this rain is probably your fault.  Although you should also know that we’re not so much mad as we are impressed by your apparent wizard-like powers (but still a little mad).

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):
This month, you’re ugly. So there’s that…

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):
To avoid getting your picture taken and put on PeopleofWalmart.com – lose the ponytail. Seriously.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):
Oh Gemini! Sweet, lovable, perfect, laugh out loud funny Gemini.  Wanna make out? No? Ok.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):
Oh shizzz! It’s your birthday. Wait, we don’t like you. Go to hell.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):
We already know you’re thinking of being Michael Jackson for Halloween. As well as allll the other signs.  It’s a “bad, bad, really, really bad” idea.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):
You know who we like? Sagebrush sports editor Juan Lopez. You should totally date him. You’re a dude? NBD.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

You are going to work on your final project on Friday night. But you, me, and all of our friends know that you’re going to be getting rick rolled at Silver Peak before midnight.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Rhymes with “laurus”.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

Study harder for your English final than for any of the other ones. We all know that’s the one professor that will not sleep with you. Not my problem.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

breast, prostate, skin, cuticles, ovarian, lung. Which one doesn’t belong?

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

I’d sleep with one eye open if I were you. Not saying though. And if you have a glass eye, more power to ya.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

Look for love little virgin, look for someone wearing a Nevada sweatshirt on the twelfth, as they may change your life. Show them you’re for real with true love’s first kiss.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

Wear a Nevada sweat shirt on the twelfth, make-out city.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

Come to Silver Peak and get rick rolled with us and the other Aquarians ( we like you. You’re funny).

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

Again, we are not doing your horoscopes ever. We swore you off a long time ago when you hurt us. We’re fine…

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

Your birthday is probably during finals. Sucks bro. But the good thing is that after finals you’ll be another year older and closer to death. The world just keeps on giving.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

So the pull-out didn’t work…yikes. There’s plenty of stairs in the Joe (as well as the dorms, the Matt, the AB, the Quadrangle). 😉 

Aries (March 21-April 19):

You have a really annoying laugh and are bugging everyone trying to write funny stuff in the Matt right now. That joke your friend just told about muffin tops was not only not funny, but stolen from a Seinfeld episode. And your boyfriend is cheating with your roommate, byyyye.



November Horoscopes

November 11, 2008

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

If you’re trying to make somebody laugh just go with the first thing you think of. Your complicated jokes go way over our heads. Some people find mumbling funny, just not most.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Personally, if I had to be named after a popular mid-size sedan from the 90’s, I would have gone with Neon. But to each his own I guess.

 

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

You are not only going to get A’s on your test this week, but you’ll probably make-out with whoever you want if you hit The Break on Thursday. Well done.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Your birthday always fell during summer break. I bet you got to go to water parks didn’t you? Could all your friends come over cuz there was no school? Well, our birthdays are in the dark of winter’s bitter heart. Fuck you.

But seriously. We’re happy for you.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

Stop changing your Goddamn Facebook status every eight seconds. I don’t care how excited you are that Grey’s Anatomy is on tonight (although in fairness I too am a bit taken by McArmy).

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

FYI. You should probably drink more milk, your bones creak when you walk.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

So what you didn’t get a scholarship to play football in college? I personally love it when you regale me with stories of you playing outside linebacker 2 years ago and how you totally would have made it if the system or your coach wouldn’t have screwed you. Also rocking under armor and downing protein shakes is totally acceptable. Haha, Douche.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

We’re not doing Scorpio this month. Actually we’ll probably never do you. To be frank we’re a little put-off by your whole deal.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

Stop, drop, and roll. You can never be too careful with fire safety.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Dude don’t even worry, the pull-out method is like 99% effective. I’m sure your fine.


Pisces (February 19-March 20):

We hear you guys have troubling socializing. Unfortunately, you’ll never get rid of that big “L” on your forehead. Loser.


Aries (March 21-April 19):

Really, I don’t have time for this, but we’ll do it anyway. Well, your future looks bright, like a candle. Woops, just blew that out. Maybe tomorrow will be better.