We know it’s Rivalry Week here at the University of Nevada and we clearly know what’s gonna happen on Saturday when we play beat the shit out of UNLV. And they’re probably really bummed about it because A. they know they’re going to lose B. We’re now ranked in the top 25 IN THE NATION. We can’t all be winners, but we’re glad we are. So, to make the ugly stepchild down south feel better, here’s a list of the things they’re in the top 25 for.

Seeeeee Yaaaaaaaaaaa

  • Clogged toilets in sororities (they claim it’s from Roberta’s Tacos but we’re pretty sure its the binge eating they all do after UNLV’s academic rankings come out).
  • Heroine usage on a college campus
  • Sales of Insane Clown Posse records per capita
  • Number of D-Bags that still quote Borat
  • Collegiate Greek Communities acting as petri dishes for the development and mutation of fun new STD’s
  • Laptops turned into the student tech center with hard drive failures directly related to Anime Porn
  • People who think the civil war isn’t over and that it’s “just half time” (don’t believe us? Check the mascot)
  • Clearly pro slavery

  • Most joint cases of auto-erotic asphyxiation and glue huffing
  • College Girls that think they’re hot, but they’re really just whores (note from male staff writer: those two things don’t always have to be mutually exclusive) (note from female staff writer: you’re gross)
  • Largest amount of “Mistake” tattoos.
  • Highest percent of student population who identify themselves as “attending their backup school”.
  • Major school in close geographic proximity to where Colin Kaepernick went to high school that didn’t offer him a scholarship.
  • Percentage of female students whose new “cover-up makeup” may actually be the beginning stages of jaundice
  • Largest amount of babies born abandoned in trashcans
  • Highest number of convicted pedophiles on one campus
  • Most number of Students who are Team Jacob
  • Most number of students who care about that
  • Percent of male student body who own at least 2 wigs
  • Stretch marks per square inch of sorority girl
  • That's at least a 7 down there

  • Future welfare recipients
  • Worst places to go to college
  • Least beautiful campus in America
  • Highest disparity between coolness of the campus and to the city it is in
  • Largest “Students for Sharon Angle” group in the world

And last, but not least….

  • Best place to take a roadtrip to when you know your school’s football team is going to abuse them like Lindsey Lohan abuses cocaine.
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February Horoscopes

February 8, 2010

February is the month of the Aquarians. Therefore, these horoscopes are going to be right on the nose. Like, I’d take us seriously this time or something will happen to you. We’re just not sure what.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

Hello, beautiful. You know, you look absolutely stunning this whole entire month.

We’re gonna pump our egos a little bit.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Go against the grain, skip the roses and chocolates for Valentine’s Day and instead get her a toupet and an Asian grad student to write her stump speeches for President’s Day.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

If we were to compare your life to a point in the first Bill and Ted movie, we’d say you’re right about to kidnap Abraham Lincoln from his office.  It’s kind of a lull right now but in a little bit you and all your wacky time traveling friends are gonna hit the mall and shit is just gonna go bananas.

ps. if you had a time machine and you use it to bring Abraham Lincoln all the way to 1988 to help with your history report wouldn’t you at least have the decency to give him the heads up on the assassination attempt coming his way in a few months?  It really seems like the least you could do.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Pancreatic.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

If you bet on the Saints this week you’re gonna win huge.  Wait what?  We should’ve remembered to publish this before the Super Bowl.  Dang.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

Just walk around campus listening to “Hot in Herrre” and and “Pimp Juice” on a loop.  Your week will be better.  Like alarmingly so.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

You’re gonna do something very bad and very illegal.  And you’re definitely gonna smell like pumpkins and shame afterwards.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

Be someone other than Lui Kang on Mortal Kombat this weekend.  We’re not impressed that you can shoot a lot of fire balls. It’s forward-forward-high punch, we know, we’ve known since 1991.  Grow up holmes

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

I don’t care what your girlfriend says she’ll let you do after, if you go to “Dear John” you might as well be cutting your penis off and running it up a flag pole for all to see.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

Someone who knows your deepest darkest secret will approach you about it.  You should just come clean and save yourself the embarrassment of a poorly thought out lie.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Awesome Ed Hardy shirt brah.  Also totes diggin’ the spikes up top with the oaks on the beak.  Let’s pump up the Creed and blow this joint.

Aries (March 21-April 19):

Make Saggittarius’ think that you know their deepest secrets.  They will spill everything.  And if we have to tell you to blackmail them after than you need this horoscope more than we imagined.

November Horoscopes

November 11, 2008

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

If you’re trying to make somebody laugh just go with the first thing you think of. Your complicated jokes go way over our heads. Some people find mumbling funny, just not most.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Personally, if I had to be named after a popular mid-size sedan from the 90’s, I would have gone with Neon. But to each his own I guess.

 

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

You are not only going to get A’s on your test this week, but you’ll probably make-out with whoever you want if you hit The Break on Thursday. Well done.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Your birthday always fell during summer break. I bet you got to go to water parks didn’t you? Could all your friends come over cuz there was no school? Well, our birthdays are in the dark of winter’s bitter heart. Fuck you.

But seriously. We’re happy for you.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

Stop changing your Goddamn Facebook status every eight seconds. I don’t care how excited you are that Grey’s Anatomy is on tonight (although in fairness I too am a bit taken by McArmy).

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

FYI. You should probably drink more milk, your bones creak when you walk.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

So what you didn’t get a scholarship to play football in college? I personally love it when you regale me with stories of you playing outside linebacker 2 years ago and how you totally would have made it if the system or your coach wouldn’t have screwed you. Also rocking under armor and downing protein shakes is totally acceptable. Haha, Douche.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

We’re not doing Scorpio this month. Actually we’ll probably never do you. To be frank we’re a little put-off by your whole deal.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

Stop, drop, and roll. You can never be too careful with fire safety.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Dude don’t even worry, the pull-out method is like 99% effective. I’m sure your fine.


Pisces (February 19-March 20):

We hear you guys have troubling socializing. Unfortunately, you’ll never get rid of that big “L” on your forehead. Loser.


Aries (March 21-April 19):

Really, I don’t have time for this, but we’ll do it anyway. Well, your future looks bright, like a candle. Woops, just blew that out. Maybe tomorrow will be better.