So I find myself sitting in the Joe on this fine Thursday afternoon getting my stuff ready for my group meeting tonight at 5:00 (yes I’m having a group meeting during the evening of St. Patrick’s Day, apparently they don’t have this holiday in Russia so my partner isn’t too concerned about it.  Man I’m glad we won the Cold War).  Anyway as I’m sitting here I’m noticing that to my left there are two people, a boy and a girl, just living it up Narnia style in a game of World of Warcraft.  To my right there is a guy who is just as, if not more, sucked into his Facebook screen.  It strikes me that both of these groups are wasting an afternoon being distracted from their homework by computer applications, yet what one of them is doing is 1000% more socially acceptable.  But I’m not sure that’s true, in fact here’s a whole Top 10 list of reasons that might not be:

1. I know that the argument would be, “well at least people on facebook are talking to their friends” but so are the Warcraft people, in fact not only are they talking, but they’re planning complex raids with their friends.  I would argue that the Warcraft thing is more intimate; we know that going through trying experience brings people closer together, that seems like much more of a friend-builder than the low level stalking involved in liking half the pictures in someone’s “Drunk-Daze” Album.
2. You can actually w n in Warcraft, with FB you just run out of stuff to check.  How many days do you walk away from a 3 hour FB sesh thinking “well there’s something accomplished, put that one on the CV”?  In Warcraft you can probably kill a giant or get a cape that makes you look more like Orlando Bloom or some shit.  It may not be much but its something.
And as for the dating scene FB offers I have two points:
3. Plenty of Orc warriors have married Elven mages in the last 3 years at their own freaky cos-play wedding ceremonies.  I’d actually bet a higher number of Warcraft based relationships last than Facebook ones do.  Because FBships are based on hotness and DTF estimations, Warcraft’s are more based on “oh shit there’s a girl who’s in to this?  Well I better lock this up now or my name isn’t DwarfNoobKilla69.”

The Best Man

4. You’re less likely to be raped and/or murdered by someone you meet on Facebook as they’ll be more physically fit and able to pursue you than someone you meet on a Warcraft server (no one who spends hours a day trying to find a Pegasus to ride around will be fast enough to catch you)
a. Counter point: the people you meet on Facebook will almost most certainly be hotter due to this same reasoning.
5. You can sell your high-level Warcraft characters for hundreds of dollars.  No one wants your worthless profile.
6. You don’t have to worry about identity theft in Warcraft. Criminals are wayyyy more interested in your name, address, and date of birth than they are in your enchanted nunchucks (do they have nunchucks in Warcraft?  If not they really should.  Maybe get lightsabers too, just bring all of their loves together).
7. Neither said “bless you” I sneezed just now.  Both are apparently rude.
8. Potential employers won’t check your Warcraft profile to see if you’re hireable.

Hmmmm.... May not be management material....

9. In the most famous movie ever about Facebook, the main character was a total dick.  In the most famous movie about wizards and goblins and all that crap, the main character’s only real crime was being a little too in love with the kid from “Rudy”.

When that lovable black janitor told you to "follow your heart" he may not have guessed that your heart was telling you to butt fuck Elijah Wood.

10, It took me about 45 minutes to write this list, and even as I type this final point both groups are still doing what they were when I sat down here to do homework (hopefully my group wasn’t expecting huge things tonight).  The point is, we may think of people who play online games as being nerdy and wasting all of their time in a fantasy world, but is it that much different than Facebook.  I mean the dude to my definitely has a fantasy world where he’s hanging out with this redheaded broad named Molly who’s page he’s been on for the last 20 minutes.

Now we’re not saying that Warcraft is cool or that Facebook is for losers.  By that definition the writers of this blog would be a cross between Napoleon Dynamite and the goth chick from “The Breakfast Club” and it should be obvious from our writing style that if we relate to anyone in those movies its Pedro and Emillo Estevez respectively.  All we’re trying to say is that both waste time, not that that’s a bad thing, wasting time is awesome.  I mean, if you weren’t wasting time why you have read this?  Because Warcraft players are people too, paler, more introverted people, but still people.  Hell, if being pale and introverted discounted someone from being a person I’m pretty sure Canada’s population would drop down to like 17.

The President and Vice President of Canada. Also owns the only general store.

 

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Gone Too Soon.

February 18, 2011

Goodbye 4 Loko, we had just been acquainted,

When at some frat party in Washington, your good name was tainted,

So not living up to their namesake

My eyes are red with your departure, because I have cried,

When I remember how many times with you, I have almost died,

Like that one time we tried to impress at a party, a girl so aloof,

You talked me into taking off my shirt, and yelling at her from her roof,

Though it was a bad plan, as the Reno Police Department will attest,

She did go out with me later, despite the arrest,

And I loved all your flavors, especially Cranberry Lemonade and melon,

Even if you made me act, like a borderline felon,

Maybe playing Loko pong, was a poor plan conceived,

But the weight of the girl I hooked up with that night, had to be seen to be believed,

Hey it happens, and I don’t mean to be rude,

But she looked like Adam Richman will, after season 12 of Man Vs. Food,

Although reflecting on it I’m still mad, that you got that girl laid,

I feel like I had sex wit Ursula, from The Little Mermaid,

Ironically, she had a mermaid lower back tat

And now that I think about it, I don’t think I wore a rubber,

Either that or it slipped off, in her layers of blubber,

She could be pregnant, now I’m starting to freak,

Maybe we should be done with you, like with James Van Der Beek,

Yeah, we're definitely done here

And my friends no longer answer, when I ring them on the telly,

b/c apparently you made me fill their USB ports, with spoonful’s of jelly,

And one more lingering issue we have, that’s stuck in my craw,

But what happened November 11th, and how’d I end up in Utah?

As I think about our time together, I become filled with anger,

Maybe you should be banned, for you truly are a danger,

And another thing, for which was a huger stress-er,

Under your influence, I pooped in a box and mailed it to my Accounting professor,

….Actually, you know what that was hilarious.  Awwwww I can’t stay mad at you 4Loko.

For no matter how you ruined my life,

Alienated my friends, and filled me with strife,

I’ll never speak against you again, not even a peep,

Because for 7 straight months, you got me super drunk, super fast, super cheap.

Sleep Well Sweet (Fresh) Prince.

Alright people we’re almost live!  The game is in less than 4 days away and pretty soon Nevada students are going to start taking off work and skipping Friday class en masse to get down to Las Vegas for what is the most guaranteed victory since the state championship game at the end of Remember The Titans (C’mon, after all the breaking down of racial barriers and group motown singing they did there was no way Disney was going to let them lose to the racist team that didn’t have a movie star for a coach).

Anyway, most of these Nevada students, lacking the means required to take a plane down or the magic required to take a boat, will be traveling the 469 miles by motorcar. Now don’t get us wrong, we appreciate the state of Nevada and it’s majestic beauty and all that crap.  But driving through 500 miles of it is the most mind numbing thing on the planet (take it from a guy who did the drive solo with a broken CD player and no iPod.  And if you’re like “well at least you had the radio”, no.  Surprisingly no one is broadcasting to the burgeoning “100 mile wasteland between Hawthorne and Tonopah” market).  Anyway, to help you have a better time on your 7 hour slog through the abyss, here is a drinking game you can play to pass the time (as always, The Nevada SpaceSuit does not advocate drinking and driving, this game is for the people in passenger and back seats, and if they’re still alive, the people in your trunk.)

Take a sip when:

  • You go by an abandoned building.
  • One sip for every meth addled squatter that you think is living in that building.  And siamese mutant babies DO count as two separate sips.

The mayor and vice mayor of the hill people living in the Goldfield Hotel

  • Someone farts.  Look, you’re spending 7 hours in a cramped space with 1-4 other humans.  And, after everything you ate at the McDonald’s in Tonopah, it’s going to happen.  You might as well make a game out of it (also if you want to “ice” the offending party that’s a judgement call).
  • When some butthole drives slow but then when you try to pass him speeds up so he stays in front of you and then slows down again when you get back behind him (because apparently if he stays in front of you he wins?  Hey shit mouth, there’s no points for getting there first, this isn’t “Rat Race”, you won’t get a train station locker full of money for early arrival, and Cuba Gooding Jr. probably won’t even be there…. Though he might be, I think Cuba’s available).  Anyway, throw your empties at this d-bag.
  • Anytime someone in the car falls asleep.  Also it’s okay to take the rest of their drink, it’s the law of the jungle (as old and as true as the sky….).

Big drink when:

  • You pass a brothel.  Two if it’s the Shady Lady.
  • You see the signs between Goldfield and Beatty for all that weird kind of ostrich and raccoon jerky.
  • When you come to the realization that there’s a 50% chance all of that exotic jerky is made from hitch hikers.
  • When you inevitably shudder about all of the lobster eateries in Mina Nevada (spoiler alert, those lobsters were caught at least 6 weeks ago).
  • You roll down the windows in Fallon and it smells like anything besides weed farms or manure (or hopelessness).
  • When you finally get pass Walker Lake.  It takes forever.  Literally, chances are if didn’t shave when you started going by it, you better be wearing long pants because by the time you pass it your legs will look like Nick Nolte’s mug shot.

And this isn't even addresing what your pube situation will be.

  • You pass another car on the road that has people with Nevada gear in it.  Roll down your window and offer them a cheers as you pass by (note: be sure they are really Nevada people.  Our school wears the same color shirts as most cops.  Tread carefully).

Chug When:

  • Whenever you think about how terrible your life would be if your car broke down in an area with no cell reception.  How long do you think it takes Triple A to get to Luning, NV?
  • Whenever you’re not going at least 25 above the “speed limit”.
  • You get gas in Tonopah (and if there’s any other Nevada fans there offer to trade a few beverages between your parties.  Trust us they’ll be as sick of their  30 Stones as you are of your PBR).
  • The highway finally goes back to 4 lanes and you’re no longer inches from death on either side.
  • One of your friends say they wouldn’t mind living in one of those random, lone, desert shanties (this is to prepare you for fighting them off, because they are 100% for sure a serial killer.)
  • Every time you see a black person (not counting people in your own car.  Or as we discussed earlier, Cuba Gooding Jr).

Long time friend of the Wolf Pack

  • You see the giant shaft of light emanating from Vegas.  Ending the the desolation and preventing everyone in the car from slipping further into madness.

I had an insightful chat with my brother this morning.  A chat that cut to my very core, and truly showed me how irresponsible I’ve become this summer.  You see we really haven’t written many articles this summer.  We’ve been living foot-loose and fancy free (ie we’ve been drinking heavily), and haven’t found the time to write any articles for our adoring fans (there’s at least 4 of them, maybe 2 if we don’t count ourselves).  You see,  we should have  been writing articles this summer instead of seeing if there was any fun way to blow $5 million bucks on football after we just cut 12 majors due to “underfunding” (which was a total success by the way).
Anyway, to make sure this never happens again, the Nevada SpaceSuit has taken 5 seconds away from watching the video of the gay flight attendant jumping out of the plane while we’re at work to put together this alphabet list of helpful tips to freshmen and upperclassmen who just haven’t learned.  So without further ado, here are 26 ways to put together your class schedule and manage your time now that you’re a big kid.

  1. Don’t schedule any classes at 8am.  Your teachers don’t grade on a “how hungover is this kid?” curve.
  2. If you do have an 8am class, for the love of Kaepernick make sure it’s not a 4 days a week class.  You do that and you’re just asking for your roommate to taunt you with “I didn’t even wake and bake until you were done with Spanish for an hour.  An hour bro”.
  3. Unless you work 40 hours a week, night classes should not be an option. You’ve got babes to swoon and beer to drink. and we’ll guarantee that 95.4% of the time, you won’t even show up.
  4. Take the time to go to welcome week.  In 20 years no one will give a shit what hi-jinks Peter got into on TBS’ re-run of family guy.  But everyone wants to here about that “busting out of her shell” girl from Alaska you hooked up with at the pancake breakfast.
  5. 50 minute classes =  Best.Thing.Ever.  It’s just the right amount to go on youtube without getting bored.
  6. You may not realize it but you’ve been living a lie these last 18 years.  The weekend doesn’t start on Friday, it starts Thursday at about 3:00.  All of the best parties, drink specials, and Greek Balls happen on Thursday nights.  I’m not sure why this is the case, but I’m glad it is. Don’t schedule class on Friday.
  7. And if you do schedule class on Friday it better not be after 10.  Campus turns into a ghost town every week Friday after 12:00.  If you do have a Friday afternoon class it will just be you, a big group of asian kids who are always smoking, and football players wandering around the library trying to figure out how to get out of practice.

    The quad on friday afternoons (for the most realistic listening re-creation, imagine that indian flute noise playing the background as you look at this picture)

  8. If you’re going to rush, take your time to test out all of the frats and let them woo you a little bit.  However, please be aware of the blurry line between wooing, and some brother from SAE trying to put his finger inside you.
  9. Always take time to check out the latest edition of Coffin & Keys.  C&K is just  like the Nevada Space Suit, but with 3 times the same recycled dick jokes and absurd amounts of derogatory comments about women… and almost half the funny.
  10. Don’t believe me? I haven’t seen this edition yet but I can guarantee there will be at least 3 jokes about getting some Baberaham Lincoln and/or phi delt to “slob your knob”
  11. . One out of four freshmen fail out after their first semester.  LEAVE  TIME TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK. I can guarantee you that the fun you’ll have the  four to five years you’re in college will more than make up for you missing the totes rad kegger at the Edge apartments while you studied for your math test. Also, I’m sure you’ll enjoy that 3 million dollars more you’re expected to earn over your lifetime if you finish. P.S. the keggers at the Edge are never that rad.
  12. Freshman year is just the beginning. Usually junior year (20-21, IF YOU STAY ON TRACK) is generally your peak. You’re socially established, you’ve grown into your looks (aka shed the freshman 15) and you’ve mastered the hangover.
  13. The closer you are to being late to your class, the more the shuttle driver will screw around.  The same people who won’t wait 5 seconds for you at 12:45 are feeling easy like a Sunday morning at 12:58.

    Not breaking a lot of land speed records.

  14. Don’t buy the hype, you really only have to do laundry twice a month.  Boxers work just as good inside out.
  15. If you want to get a treadmill at Lombardi don’t go around five.
  16. If you want to see boobie-bouncing city (the best of all cities), only go to Lombardi around five.
  17. All this spare time you have now?  Do something fun or creative with it.  You can play Call Of Duty 2 your whole life.  But only in college can you take a body painting class you find on Craigslist (although don’t actually do that example, going to a body painting class you found on Craigslist sounds like getting the carpool lane to your own murder).
  18. Don’t go to the Overlook around noon if you have somewhere to be in an the next 30 minutes.  Between glut of people trying to get good Chinese food (wayyyy better than Panda express) and the general malaise/third grade level of change counting of the checkout people, it’s gonna take a while to get out of there.
  19. Get your free football and basketball tickets early.  Nothing sucks like having to stand in line (and away from the tailgating area) to pay $5 for a ticket you could’ve got for free if you hadn’t been so busy watch The Price Is Right.
  20. That being said, still take time to watch The Price Is Right.  Ain’t no party like a TPIR party.
  21. If you happen to be drunk somewhere out of Sierra Spirit range.  Wait.  Use this time to wander around, bum some cigs, and catch up on your drunk dials.  The time spent sobering up will be no where near the time of community service you’ll have to do if/when you get a DUI.
  22. The shuttle ride up to the health center is always worth it for the free condoms.  Definitely shorter than a ride to the coat hanger and poison store.
  23. If you spend more than an hour per day thinking about marijuana procurement you’re in big trouble.
  24. Schedule your classes with your friends now.  Chances are you’ll all have different majors and English 102 is going to be your last hurrah before you’re going to have to branch out and start doing group projects with kids who must be here on some sort of retarded kid outreach program for people who don’t do any of the work.
  25. Don’t dedicate to much of your time freshmen year to one boy or girl.  There’s 17,000 people at this school. You’re 18 years old and way to young to be making any kind of commitment now.  Get out there, meet people, befriend someone from another country, hook up with a fat chick, it’s all good baby, you’re in college now, get out of your shell.And P.S. if the boy or girl you’re dedicating all this time to is still in high school… Just stick a butt plug in yourself and change your name to Sapphire. It would be a lot less gay then what you’re doing now.

    Hi, my name is Constance. I want to talk to you about prom committee and ruin your life.

  26. Save up your STD tests for the free testing weeks at the health center.  It’s kind of like cashing in all the points on the mac and cheese boxes all at once.  Except instead of a cheap bike, you get herpes medicine.

You may have heard that Boise State has officially left the WAC.  After next year they will officially become part of the Mountain West Athletic Conference or MWAC (see it’s like WAC except with an extra M on the front, so you know its better).  You might be a little confused by all this, how should you feel?  Happy?  Sad?  A little constipated?  Well fear not intrepid reader, because in the following column the Nevada Space Suit will break down the pros and cons of the BS University and their decision to leave the WAC.

1. We can be King of the WAC

Pro: Not everybody gets this chance, I mean look at The Ohio State. They’ll definitely be National Champions, but WAC champs? No way. They’re so totes jeal.

Con: Being king of the WAC without Boise is like being the smart kid on the short bus.

2. Having one of the most epic games of the season on Thanksgiving weekend was just a pain in the ass

Pro: We no longer have to juggle football and family. For some reason your mom just didn’t understand why “that damn football game” was so important and why you wouldn’t come home to see her. Ya, we’re saying you’re mom is dumb.

Con: Now you’ll have to talk to her.

3. So long, smurf turf.

Pro: I’m pretty sure the paint on it was lead based, which may be why all the Broncos always had those glossy dead eyes and the cheerleaders had that angry caveman look.

Con: I’ll have less occasion to say the word smurf next year, leaving me that much more dead inside.

4. We don’t have to deal with Boise and their disturbingly large pack of traveling fans.

Pro: This suggests that there may not in fact be too much to do in Boise on the weekend. (Or ever). But now we won’t ever have to walk into a packed Mackay Stadium that has more fans cheering for the away team than cheering for the Pack.

Con: We’ll also never get to walk into a packed Mackay Stadium again.

5. We won’t have two rivals anymore

Pro: We can finally put all of our hatred filled energy where it rightfully belongs: slurred drunken put downs solely aimed at those failures at UNLV, who will one day bag my groceries.

Con: There’s a very real danger that Fresno will now become our biggest rival.  We have officially dropped from middle class to white trash.  In dorm terms we’re moving from Nye to Juniper.  Yeah, maybe now you get how serious this is.


Now that we’ve had a good laugh,  I think it might be possible that some of you out there still don’t quite comprehend what this does to Nevada football.  The WAC was like That 70’s Show.  Okay, it wasn’t a huge deal American Idol or 24, but people still knew who we were and thought we were pretty swell guys.

In this analogy the university is Fez, popular, but not Kutcher.  Boise State leaving is like when Eric and Kelso got too big for the show and left in season seven.  UNR, like Fez gets more storylines and is now the main character on the show.  The only problem is no one effing cares about that show anymore.  Let’s be frank, finally scoring with Jackie (winning the WAC title), isn’t quite as impressive when there are only 2 dudes on the show (that being said I would give my left arm to hook up with Jackie Burkhart).

It’s finals week and if you’re like the average college student (or at least the average nerdy college student like me) you’re going to find yourself spending a lot of time in the Joe and/or the knowledge center.  Well I got news for you buster, chugging all those energy drinks and munching on all those high fiber Cool Ranch Doritos is gonna add up and eventually you’re gonna have to go lay some cable.  It’ll happen, no close public bathroom is cleaner than the ones here and even aderall can’t constipate you forever.  But this isn’t just a permission slip to let loose and treat the library like that hollowed out log in the woods (which was probably a squirrel’s house by the way).  Rather, this is a guide to make sure that during finals you’re bowel movements are akin those of the most proper lords and ladies in all of Victoria’s England.

1.. Before you even go have a ten minute inner dialogue about whether to leave your stuff at the table and risk everthing getting stolen while you’re in the bathroom vs. taking it with you and losing your sweet spot by the window.

2. When you go to the bathroom and will be really annoyed by the auto flush going off 3 times just because you stood up to pull your pants up.  Refrain from swearing and handle this with grace.

3. If you use the one down stairs in the Joe the light will go off every 7 minutes.  If you’re a sprinter this won’t be a problem, unfortunately if you’re a distance man like myself you’re going to have to turn those suckers on once or twice.  To do this without activating the auto-flush, stay low and stick your butt out so part of it is still hovering over the toilet, reach out and open the door slightly to activate the sensor and light that place back up.  Note:  If someone walks in when you are halfway out the stall with your pants down and, lets be honest, some stray pee dripping on your leg, they are going to think you are a straight up lunatic.  But on the flip side, if that same person walks in and you’re just silently pooping in the complete pitch dark, they will KNOW you are straight up lunactic, and likely a murderer.

4.  If you must have tunes on the can (and you really should be bringing your textbook), pick one playlist before you go in and ride it the whole way.  Don’t be fiddling with your textbook  with your poop fingers.  Knowing you’ll be pressing that same iPhone screen to your face in 10 minutes makes this one a little easier to remember.  (Seriously, don’t touch it, even if some weirdo Hoobastank song comes on just ride it out and don’t touch the screen.  And really that’s your bad for putting Hoobastank on you hate sex play list anyway).

5.  If there’s a large group in there, try to start a sing-a-long.  People will actually go with it sometimes.  I mean are you telling my you wouldn’t join in on a rousing chorus of Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin” at 1:30 in the morning?

6.  Don’t drill a glory hole into the side of your stall to try and get lucky, the Joe is a classy joint and we don’t have room or patience for your kind of filth.  Go the downstairs bathroom in Sigma Nu if you want that kind of behavior.

7.  Don’t bring your laptop with you into the bathroom unless its an absolute must.  And by must we mean like 7 minutes before your final and you’ve still got 3 pages to read in some article.  98 percent of the people who see you carry a laptop into a bathroom will be sure you’re looking at porn (and they just might be right).

8.  One more thing about the auto flush, if you know you’re about to make a move that will cause it to go off (which you sometimes don’t, I set it off the other day just thinking about moving), make sure you move any open beverage containers you might have away from the splash zone.  Trust me when I say Cherry Soda is better than Shit Water Cherry Twist.

9. WASH. YOUR. HANDS. I swear if I see one more ski boarder flush down a couple of Bebe’s kids and then only stop at the mirror to adjust their beanie and scope their googles tan I am just gonna stop.  I will run my car day and night, just to speed up global warming and melt all your precious pow-pow.  Don’t test me on this snowboarders I swear I see this one more time and I’m luring a family of bears to Boreal next year.

Not a big hand washing crowd

10. On the flip side of number 7, sometimes the poopin’ stall is one of the most productive places on campus.  The Knowledge Center is a circus, especially during these first few days when no one is done yet.  Sometimes, you have to read a chapter or pound out a few paragraphs, if you’re not getting any thing written and you need a little spark, maybe it is cool to take the laptop in the bathroom (as long as you don’t abuse it and stay focused on your paper.  People who do facebook while they poop are the same as thieves and stickup men in my eyes).  That being said, you really can get a lot done while you’re dropping a D.  I mean, where do you think I wrote this article?

Hey.  How ya doin?  Oh what you’re just chilling in the library right now studying for some final and doing all the homeworks you put off doing this semester b/c you were too busy playing Words With Friends? Yeah, us too.  The Library is a fickle place come finals time.  Theoretically it is the best place to get work done, but realistically everyone is there and it’s kind of a marvy scene.  Fun fact: during finals, the Knowledge center becomes one of the 10 most populous cities in Nevada.  Move over Goldfield.  Anyway, to commemorate this time-honored struggle that takes place between studying and procrastination that takes place here every spring, The Nevada SpaceSuit presents to you: The Things You Did In The Library  Today When You Should Have Been Studying.

1.  Spent 20-30 minutes getting “situated” and “ready to study” (BS by the way, we both know you could’ve started right away and actually got something done before 11:00).

2. Saw someone you haven’t seen in forever one floor up. Thought about going to say hi, decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

3. Watched people out that window for no less than 13 minutes. Hopefully you were making up their conversations in your head.

4. Spent way too much thought trying to figure out how bad for you those Funyuns were before finally deciding they could be 1,000 calories each and you still would take it over the salad in the weirdo coffee shop in the Library.  From there you’ll ponder further and wonder why the university decided to put its only two decent coffee shops within 50 feet of each other.  Solid business model there guys, it’s so weird we’re losing money….



5. Watched a group of 6 huge football players take a lap of every floor, talk to everyone they know, and then leave.

6. Every quiz ever on Facebook. And 3-4 tweets every 20 minutes about how #finalzsux

7. Played the eye contact game with the cute girl three tables away. Eventually you made eye contact too many times and it crossed the line from flirty to rapester-y.

8. Make a fort out of binders, folders and texts books

9. Think about just walking out right now, leaving your books. Try to convince yourself how much you would really like life as a trucker.

10. Wish you weren’t so hungover from  cinco de mayo.

11. Trying to figure out why Colin Kaepernick STILL hasn’t called. That vision board sucks.

BETRAYAL!!!!


12. Thinking how cool it’d be if you had that remote from “Click” so you could just fast forward the next 7 days.

13. Not really. Why don’t you just fast forward through your whole college career while you’re at it.

14. Got to the end of the latest NSS article and think two things: 1. Wow, they actually made it 300 words without making a Home Alone 2: Lost In New York Joke.  And 2. Well that could have been funnier, good thing this ish is free. Merry Studies you filthy animal (ratta-tat-tat).

Whether you find it a blessing or a curse (much like my period most months) Dead Day 2k10 is on Cinco de Mayo. Some of you have the freedom to get completely annihilated all day long because you’re still in English 098 or your professors are total hippies. Well some of us don’t have that luxury. So for those of you who can’t celebrate one of the holiest of drunk holidays, we’re gonna help you out. How to incorporate the Cinco de Mayo fun into your dead day.

Numero Uno: Bring your blender to the library. Mix your Red Bull with a little tequila and put sugar (or adderall) on the lid. Muy Bueno.

Numero Dos: If you don’t already, refer to Manzanita Lake as Lake Titicaca for the day. (OK so it’s not in Mexico, but it made you giggle)

Numero Tres: When you see somebody doing homework, swoop in and take their work, doing it faster and cheaper.

Numero Quatro: Wear a Mexican flag as a cape and scream      “viva la Mexico!”     during the undie run

Numero Cinco: Consider the historical ramifications of the small Mexican force holding off the mighty French army at the battle of Pueblo. J/K , don’t ask why it’s here, just enjoy that it is here.

Numero Seis: Grow a mustache. (Boys or girls)

Numero Siete: Show up three turbo Coronas deep and in a sombrero to all your study groups

If you can combine numbers 6 & 7 please do

Numero Ocho: Cross out Irish on all your St. Patrick’s day stuff and write Mexican.  Because what is Cinco De Mayo really except Mexican St. Patricks’ day? The only difference is this one doesn’t have a pretentious color scheme.

Numero Nueve: Make a Mexican Mariachi Band music playlist on your iPod. The sound of the maracas are mesmerizing

Numero Dias: When randomly hooking up with some rando in the library to relieve some of the tension of this f&^*$in’ calculus test, use the rhythym method instead of a condom in honor or our neighbors to the south and their religiously happy-go-lucky approach to contraception.

Numero Oncé: Lean Like A Cholo

We all know that the primary reason we even get together with girlfriends is for free drinks and unwarranted attention. And when Gary Schott posts “Who wants free booze??? You do!! Come with six girls to EDGE tonight and get a free bottle in tha vip! Holla attcha boy! 722 3233”   Really – we can’t deny it.  So when we do have a “ladies night” there is definitely a crew you want to roll with. Ideally the dream team consists of 4 girls – more than 4 leads to an episode of a cattiness and drama that rivals the real housewives. And clearly you need an even number because you have to implement the buddy system like the dudes – but this one is more along the lines of safety reasons.

1.The Blatant Bitch

You know, the one who will tell some creepy guy hitting on you to back the fuck off, or sometimes she will throw a glass at some other bitch if she feels like it or will straight up leave the group high and dry for the night because she’s “not getting enough attention.” This chick is brassy.

2. The Fugly Friend


Honestly, they’re really just there because you’ve been friends since 3rd grade and there’s no sense in losing her now – you need all the friends you can get.

3. Mommy Dearest

She’s the one who can snap out of an alcohol induced coma at the drop of the hat to play the adult to all of her drunk friends. She will also make you upwards of 3 grilled cheeses when you get home and are sprawled out on the floor with only your socks on.

4. The one with the huge boobies

This girl always delivers.   She doesn’t have a name as far as the public is concerned, she’s just, “your friend with the huge rack.” She’s so skinny that her boob size (although they are ginormous at a Double D) increases 10 fold because of the contrast to her ribcage. But hey, she’s a fun gal with no drama.

You: Hopefully you somehow fit in this group. If not, you can always assume the back up position of “fugly friend.” I’m sorry but they just don’t make 10s like they used to.

Meh, they’re okay….

Recovering drug addict/alcoholic – Ok so then we also have the girl who is the recovering drug addict/acoholic – although bars and parties aren’t probably the greatest surroundings for her (but who am I to judge? I mean.. LOOK AT ME!)  Shes good because she is (or.. er…should be) always sober so she’s avail for a ride.

Hot friend – the one where every guy you know comes up to you to talk about it. Guy: “OMG your friend is so hot” You: “I know. she has a boyfriend” Guy: “So? duddeee hook it up” You: “get in line fuckbag.” You can’t take her out everynight because A. She’s too pretty (with a personality to match)  and you might as well not exist B. She tends to be high maintenance. And nobody needs that past 1 a.m.

The light weight – Keep this chick around for purely entertainment reasons. She barely goes out and when she does it’s like a tv sitcom episode. They’re unnaturally dancing on tables and kicking off her shoes, and making out with peoples necks despite unwarranted advances. And next thing you know it’s gonna lead to some kind of wacky mix up where they make a drunk speech to their parents and throw up on Chandler. Clearly, you can’t deal with this every weekend.

The girl that lets you borrow her clothes: It’s like you got a brand new wardrobe and didn’t pay for it. This girl should also have good taste and be the same size. Sorority bitches basically have it made in this area… but they have to hang out with each other all the time. You dodged a bullet there.

Your Best Gay:

In a perfect world, you get 2

You love him. He’s like you, but with a weiner. He just gets everything about you – who you are on your most shallow levels. He’s great for fashion advice, boy advice and sex advice (think about it – you do the same things to half the population).  You like having him around for all of these reasons.. but then his excessive bitchiness strikes up and you’re abandoning ship. You’ve already got to deal with the lightweight and your way too hot friend.

The Katherine Heigel: Goes for fat guys that are wayyyy under her league. Hey, at least it takes the pressure off you.

(note: The Katherine Heigel archetype was added in by a male staff writer.  He has not yet realized that this woman does not exist outside the world of Seth Rogen and Jack Black.  NO hot girl hooks up with a schlubby dude who’s not also like a millionaire or the president of France or something.  But we let him keep it in so as to not crush his spirit.  HIs chubby, jewy-haired spirit).


Avoid at all costs:

The Angelina (of Jersey Shore fame – not Jolie) :

The bane of my existence.  This girl will cock block you like there’s no tomorrow.  She will get on your case for no reason other than she can (which ps is not too much of a fucking accomplishment, all that’s required to “tell it like it is” is a mouth and a base understanding of the english language.  So don’t go patting yourself on the back too much).  When people call this girl out on her bitchiness she’ll respond with  “I know I’m a bitch.  That’s how I am, take it or leave it”. Verdict: Leave it, and maybe try to talk her into a female vasectomy.

The Slutty Friend: We’ve all got one. (Or perhaps its you?) She’ll pretty much do anyone that has a face. You “go out together” and get to hang out for about one hour the whole night and then… poof! She disappears! Listen, we all have our own ways of dealing with life.  Some people drink, some smoke, weirdos cut themselves, and the Japanese jerk it to weird 13 year old anime.  But this girl has her own method.  She likes the cock. We realize that’s not the most delicate way to put it but that’s the truth. She’s always ditching you and leaving you with no ride. But it’s cool.. you’ve always wanted to walk home by yourself.

Hollywood: She thinks she belongs in a trendier city like Vegas or LA and frankly, it’s rather obnoxious. You’re in Reno, sister. Oh, and just because your sidekicked is bedazzled and I can hear your acryclic nails clicking on the keys doesn’t mean that you’re less annoying than me! You’re just much better dressed.

The crier:

You know her all too well. Get a few shots of vodka in this chick and the waterworks flow as mighty as the Truckee River on a Spring day. She’ll continue her night sobbing to herself on the curb. WARNING: Any girl can be the crier based on a certain number of drinks or what kind of day they’ve had, so try not to be too mean to her, although she is one big pain in the ass.

The “Cool Mom”: No, absolutely not.  Everyone knows a girl who says things like “my mom is sooo cool” and “my mom is my best friend, its totally like having someone around who’s my age, but like totally wise”.  Kill me now.  I don’t care how cool a mom is, at the end of the day she’s still gonna be a half-drunk 48 year old with a spray tan dancing a little too hard and looking for Stevie Nicks songs on the juke box.  And yes she may attract additional guys who want to try to bag themselves a cougar, but let’s be honest you don’t need to be talking to those guys.  MILF’s stopped being funny in 2001, and the chances are, they stopped being hot in 1988 when you destroyed their birth canal.

Gollum:  One of the main stories of the Lord of The Rings Movies was Gollum trying to steal that ring from the two gay hobbits in the mountains.  He had a one track mind.  For Gollum, the ring was the thing and nothing else mattered (except maybe finding and eating a nice brace of conies).  This girl has the same set of priorities, she can hear the biological clock ticking and she is not a fan.  This girl didn’t come to college to get her B.A., she came to work on her M.R.S.  She will come on to guys wayyyy too hard and her desperate/crazy/murderous vibe will taint the chee of the whole group.  Best to leave this one at home to check her e-Harmony profile.

The weekend is fast approaching and it is party time.  We’re now on the RIGHT side of Spring Break and midterms and the weather is getting warm.  Velcro your shoes boys and girls, it’s party season.  There is no better time to go out and cruise the bars with your best mates than spring.  School’s almost out, people aren’t wearing winter coats to The Break, and bros from Sig Ep can get excited that the kids from the Davidson Academy are one year closer to finally being legal.

Spring is here, you have to go out.  But when you do, make sure you do it with the right crew.  The best number of people for a crew, like wife swapping and bobsledding, is four.  Four gives you all the benefits of a big group with the flexibility of a small one.  There are enough people that you probably won’t end up in a fight, but there are few enough people that you probably won’t cause one either.  You can split into pairs so no one is left out and you can also employ the buddy system. Note that this team only applies to the fellas.  Our roster for the ladies team will be coming soon.

The Dream Team

The Wildcard: This is the guy that makes the night, without him there you might as well be sitting at home looking for something on Chat Roulette that’s not a 15 year old girl or a guy’s curiously shaped dong, plowing through a bag of Cheetos Puffs.  He’s the one that has little to no inhibition and has a 50-50 shot of ending his night in the party hall of fame or the jail on Parr blvd.

The Vinny Chase: Just like Vince from Entourage, this is the superstar of your team.  He’s so cool that his peripheral handsomeness can get guys like Turtle and Jonny Drama laid on a fairly consistent basis.  Chances are he also writes some kind of really sensitive poetry and plays the guitar or something.  Girls love this guy, and if he wasn’t your friend, you would hate him.  He’s one of those dudes who definitely would have been like the preppy villain in a movie from the 80’s movie.  However, as long as you’re not Anthony Micheal Hall or the Karate Kid this really isn’t so bad.  One of the unfortunate things about bringing the Vinny Chase along is that you know he’s always going to go for the hottest girl.  In a group that’s like the Spice Girls, where they’re all babes, this isn’t so much of a problem.  However if you happen to be hanging out with more of a Brady Bunch type group, with a clear Marsha and then some Jan’s, chances are you’re settling that night.  While the Vinny Chase can be a double edged sword, in the end he is always worth it to have around.  Especially if he can introduce you to a 5’5″ wise crackin’ agent who takes no prisoners but is always in to hug it out (bitch).

Yellow Pages: This guy not only knows everybody, but he knows what they’re doing too.  If you ever need something to go just ask yellow pages, he’ll have two house parties and a VIP section lined up before you finish asking him.  Yellow Pages has procured this impressive list of numbers in a few ways.  Firstly, he never deletes anyone, because you never know when you’re gonna be in a tight spot and the only way out is your chem lab partner from 5 semesters ago.  Secondly, even though he’s a fifth year senior he’s some how manage to only ever take lecture classes.  He posts up at the back of the class and grades himself on how many numbers he gets, not how many test questions he gets right.

The Hammer:  Here we have the tough guy of the crew.  He is the biggest of your friends and can probably drink everyone under the table.  If you’re a dude never underestimate the power of having a really huge guy with you who can come up and say “is their a problem here?”.  This will stop a lot of fights before they even start.  And let’s be real, there’s gonna be a night when you need someone to pick you up from under one of the benches at Pub n’ Sub and put you in the back seat.  Who besides The Hammer is going to help you out in that situation? Because I can guarantee you it won’t be the bouncer at Imperial, he only uses his massive forearms to push you out the door and on to the side walk.

You: Hopefully are one of the four above, if not cut somebody.  Just make sure it’s not the hammer, because he looks like Thor and will break you like Ivan Drago.

The alternates

The Dream Team isn’t always available, at some point everyone has to go to a Robert Pattinson movie with their girlfriend or go have a circle jerk with the rest of Coffin and Keys in a grave yard.  But luckily, there are acceptable alternates:

The Leader of Men: We all have friends like this.  They think they’re the alpha male and they want everyone to know it.  They yell out proclamations like “This is the most EPIC night of all time”.  And, “It’s past midnight on a Thursday, call me a taxi so we can get the hell out of the Break.  To the Wal!  He’s also gonna make you shoot whiskey at some point so look alive!

Mr. “I’m Down”: No matter what you propose, this guy will answer with “I’m Down”.  He’s just up for anything.  Don’t underestimate the value of the guy who is just as likely to be your wingman on a late night booty call as he is to wait with you in the McDonald’s parking lot until 5am when they start serving breakfast.

The Guy With The Great Ideas: For some reason this guy is always thinking outside of the box.  The average person, when a little buzzed and heading home, will ask whoever’s driving them to take them to Jack in the Box or something.  This isn’t good enough for great ideas guy.  He’ll always have a much better idea like going to the Peppermill for $5 Omlettes, going to the GSR for some drunken laser tag (which btw, is was underrated as an activity),  or getting a 12 pack, rallying, and getting some skateboards to luge down Sierra Street with.  You don’t know how he comes up with these plans but you don’t care, all that matters is that they’re always awesome.

Don't underestimate how much better this will look to you at 2:30 tonight when you're a little sauced

The Guy Who Snuck Away From His GF:  This is your buddy from awhile ago who’s been in a relationship FOREVER.  He’s constantly saying he’s going to meet up with you but then at the last second has to cancel to go to his gf’s cousin’s violin recital or some other queer thing like that.  Well he’s finally able to get out and while the cat’s away the mice will do a couple lines and streak down 9th Street.  Just remember to go along with his “we went to see Kick-Ass” alibi anytime his old lady asks you about what you guys did.

Who you don’t want:

Stay away from these jokers like you stay away from anything above math 181.  They will not enhance you’re night, they will only make it worse.  Yeah sometimes they can deviate from the norm and have a good night, but doesn’t mean anything.  Kate Hudson was in “Almost Famous”, but that doesn’t mean she’s generally in good movies.  Sometimes in life its just better to say no.  Well its ALWAYS  best to say no to these guys:

Mr. I Don’t know my limits: Some people just can’t handle alcohol. Unfortunately not everyone has realized this yet.  This guy starts out fun, but then ends up throwing down a handle and totally makes an ass of himself all night.  And by ass we mean he’s gonna throw up in your car and maybe kick out a juke box.

The Al Capone: Wants to commit crimes.  We don’t what this bro’s problem is but he always wants to do some crazy shit like steal from 7-11 or jump some kids who gave him the awkward eye at a red light.  He’s a loose cannon.  Good in a fight, but not when you’re trying to avoid one.

The Guy From Elko: It’s all in the title really.

Ben Rothleisberger:  Some guys just don’t realize no means no.  What’s funny is the odds are that this guy will actually physically resemble the actual big Ben.  Kind of pudgy, goatee/chin beard, backwards hat, and a cock that just doesn’t take no for an answer. (PS is it funny that everyone was so surprised about Ben Rothleisberger even though he dresses and acts like a 6th year frat dude?).  Anyway, if you don’t want to end up having to appear in court in a couple of months, its best to leave this guy back at the house.

The One Who Brings His Girlfriend: He’ll insist that she’s cool.  That she’s just like one of the guys and you’ll totally be able to do all the same things you would do if she wasn’t there.  Unless she’s cool with going to a strip club and then is physically able to swiftly jump fences as you run away because the Wildcard was buying dances with monopoly money, than this is not true.  Girlfriends have a time and a place but guy’s night out is not one of them.  You wouldn’t bring a knife to a gun fight and you sure as hell shouldn’t bring a lady to a Fella’s Friday.

Anyone under a 6 who’s also not funny: Brings the whole team down.  he’s the anti-Vinny Chase.  You’re better than that.

Ed Hardy:  Wears exclusively Ed Hardy, maybe even has some of the Ed Hardy decals or air fresheners that they sell at Wal-Mart.  His hair will be gelled into helmet like fashion, likely in some sort of faux-hawk or spike arrangement.  He will smell like a mixture of Josh Hartnett cologne, sweat (from dancing with the mad honeys), and Zima.  Beer belly or not, his shirt is a level of tightness that leads many to wonder if its really a shirt or if he just painted his body black and then stuck on a sticker of a tiger jumping out of a rose or something (although the sleeves of this shirt will never go low enough to cover his Chinese symbol tattoo that means “ferocity”  or “strength” or “let me fuck with this white guy who doesn’t know Chinese”).  Reno is full of these so they can be hard to avoid.  Just know that if one of your friends spends more than 3 minutes on their hair, or won’t shut up about their Real World video that they just submitted, you should probably not ever tell him where you’re really going.

the height of Ed Hardy's guy's fashion

It’s finally happened.  Our increasingly inept Governor and the state congress that doesn’t have the spine to propose BASIC INCOME TAXES THAT 47 OTHER STATES HAVE during a time when the state was almost $900 million short in revenues.  (PS If you want the funny stuff, now would be the time to skip ahead and scroll down). This is the equivalent of not having enough money to buy your kids food, but then skipping the extra shift your boss offered you because you think if you work too much your kids will be mad.   The kids won’t be mad!  They’ll understand!  All kids want is chicken nuggets!  The level of incompetence in this state’s leadership is at an all time high.  Don’t believe us?  Check out the list of programs that are on the chopping block (at least half of these are gone).

The following degrees would be reviewed for potential closure:

  • Bachelor’s degrees in animal science and animal biotechnology, the minor in animal science and the master’s in animal science
  • Bachelor’s degrees in agricultural and applied economics, the minor in agribusiness, the bachelor’s degree in environmental and resource economics, the minor in natural resource and environmental economics, and the master’s and doctorate in resource economics
  • Master’s degrees in all education counseling fields, education· specialist, and teaching English to students of other languages in the College of Education, as well as all doctorate-level degrees in the College of Education
  • Minor, major and master’s degree programs in German studies, French and Italian through the Department of Foreign Languages and Literatures
  • Bachelor’s degree in interior design
  • Doctorate degrees in anthropology, history and political science, master’s degree in philosophy and master’s degree in speech communication
  • Bachelor’s degree in supply chain management
  • Bachelor’s degree in statistics and a master’s degree offering with a statistics concentration.

And oh yeah, also the entire college of CABNR!  An entire college?  But we’re still building a new math and science building in the south of campus?  Sure why not.  Anyway, we’re upset, and frankly you should be too.  These decisions are going to cripple this state in the short and long terms.  But maybe you, our precocious and intrepid reader, don’t see just how bad these cuts were?  Well fear not revered companion, to put this decision in perspective, we here at the NSS offer you:

Decisions that made more sense than the budget cuts (enjoy)

a.  Deciding not to try to avoid that iceberg and just power through.  I mean hell, the Titanic’s unsinkable right?

b. Jake picking Vienna last night on the bachelor.  She’s at least hot and has that crazy look that I kind of dig.  I don’t dig anything about cutting Supply Chain Management.

c. Pete Best quitting the Beatles in 1961.

d. Chamberlain making concessions to Hitler.

e. Bill Clinton scoping his interns  and thinking “It’s not like anybody would find out”

f. Staying with that girl for so long after she introduced you to her 8 cats and told them you were going to be their “Daddy”.

g.  The series of decisions that led to the Halle Berry “Catwoman” movie.

h.The professor in the class I’m in right now waking up one morning and saying, “You know what?  From now on, only Tommy Bahama shirts.  I just don’t give a rat’s ass anymore.”

i. Saved by the Bell “The College Years”

Courtesy of ShareTV.ORG

j. Me asking for a Dreamcast instead of an N64 back in ’99.

k.  Rita Revolta deciding against attacking say Washington D.C. or Tokyo in favor of sending monsters down to Angel Grove every week (which apparently she was convinced was a big military strategic point for the U.S.)

l.. Getting pregnant on purpose so your boyfriend would stay with you. A baby fixes everything!

m. Blaming McDonalds for America’s rapid obesity rates, when  it’s clearly Michael Jordan’s fault.

n. Tilikum, the largest whale in captivity deciding to drag and drown his SeaWorld trainer in front of a bunch of little kiddies and basically euthanizing himself.

o. Majoring in music and thinking everything’s gonna turn out fine…    (You know what? Nevermind.  Their program didn’t get cut.  Maybe they’re smarter then we all thought.  Hats off to you guy who thinks majoring in French Horn is a better plan than just getting started on your career at Red Robin now).

p. Electing Jim Gibbons.

q. Jesus letting Judas into his crew.

r. Betting my tuition money on the Nevada v. SMU Bowl Game.

s. Fox canceling Family Guy and Arrested Development so they’d have more room in their lineup for gems like Andy Richter Controls the Universe and Titus.

t.  The Power Ranger’s decision to not just get the Mega Zord out right away.  They’ve suffered so many explosions on their chests and allowed, what at this point has to be billions of dollars in property damage, all due to their prideful reluctance to just get out the power sword 5 seconds into every fight.  Hey Jason, we get that you can do a lot of flips and they’re awesome, but how about you just save the town and then we can all watch you do karate down at the highschool/rec center/ juicebar/ whatever the hell that place is exactly where you all hang out.

u. Putting your dick in a blender

v.  Graham-Leach-Bliley de-regulating financial boundaries and encouraging institutions to over-lerverage themselves on high-risk subprime mortgage security bundles…Oh wait no one understands what that means?

Okay, then how about Aladdin not freeing the Genie when he said he would and letting Jafar steal the lamp.

w.  Parents who let their kids get into competitive luge(assuming these parents don’t hate their children and want them to die, if they do want them to die then this is a great move).

x. Looking at the young, hilarious Co-Co O’brien and thinking “Nah you know what though?  At least 15 people in America think Jay Leno’s funny.  Yeah he may be almost 60, but I really want to see when that weird black spot on his head finally goes white.  Screw it, let’s keep him.”

y. Britney Spears going with a winner like K-Fed instead of Justin Timberlake.

z. Mary-Todd Lincoln pushing so much to go to the theater instead of agreeing to just staying in, renting a movie and ordering Chinese food.

Hopefully by now you’ve seen the video of Governor Jim Gibbons being interviewed/surprised by the Las Vegas Now I-Team as he got home from the airport the other night.  If not go ahead and watch it here.


Okay did you watch it?  Good.  I know, we can’t believe it either.  How is this guy really the one making the decisions on which of our state programs to cut?  Further more, how did he even get elected?  We aren’t positive on either of these but if we were speculating on the latter we’d say he got elected based on an elaborate double dare.



To help you try and make some sense of this, the Nevada Spacesuit is presenting this, a play-by-play analysis of what is clearly the saddest (and most unintentionally hilarious) video since “Leave Britney Alone.”



0:02 – We start off with a bombshell as Gibbons gets off the escalator. He’s wearing his sunglasses indoors like he thinks he’s Stevie Wonder. On the step directly behind him we see his main squeeze Kathy Karasch.  Now I don’t know about you but if someone I know really well, say my like girlfriend, is on the step behind me I will notice her.  Keep this in mind as you listen to what he says next.


0:19 – A reporter (who we find out later is named Jonathan), approaches Governor Gibbons and asks him who he was travelling with on this flight. Gibbons responds with the can’t-be-construed-as-anything-but-no answer “What’s it to you?”. You can already see that the next five minutes are going to be filled with mature, gubernatorial conversation.


0:40 – After a couple more “What’s it to you’s?”  Governor Gibbons claims that taxpayers didn’t pay for “it”.  When pressed on who it was, Gibbons changes lanes without signaling and says that it was just him and security on the trip.


0:56 – After denying that Kathy Karasch was on the trip or plane with him, Gibbons alleges that she’s not even in the airport.  Remember earlier when we all agreed we would notice if our gf was on the step behind us we would notice? Apparently not this guy.


1:14 Gibbons refuses to state unequivocally that Karasch isn’t in the airport and changes the subject back to the taxpayer thing again.  Likely because we were all confused by what unequivocally meant.


1:24 – The Governor of our state says that Kathy Karasch (or K-squared) being on a flight with him paid for by the state would be “impossible”.  When asked why this is impossible he says “because it wouldn’t happen.” Hmmmm, not totally sure he gets what impossible actually means.  For something to be impossible it has to be something that you can’t do, not something you won’t do. You see, I wouldn’t jump onto the football field during a game and take pee on the big N.  But, I could do it if I wanted to.  Something you would not do is different than something you could not do.  Like how a rational person wouldn’t vote for a guy who is not only a speech plagiarizer, but once said “tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie, tie-dyed liberals [in Hollywood should] … go make their movies and their music and whine somewhere else,” adding, “it’s just too damn bad we didn’t buy them a ticket” to become human shields in Iraq. But he still got elected anyway.  See, not impossible.


1:32 – Jonathan: That wasn’t Kathy Karasch who came down on the flight with you?

Gibbons : No.


1:38 – We see Kathy Karasch walking to the baggage claim.  With the grace of Olympic medalist Evan Lysencheck she pirouettes away from the cameras and heads to the ladies room. Note that when she walks in she’s wearing a stylish white overcoat.


1:52 – After a few minutes of what had to be really uncomfortable creeping outside a women’s bathroom with two giant cameras  (no real way to not look pervy on that one), Karasch comes back out of the bathroom.  This time she’s wearing a brown jacket.  That’s right; K squared thought she’d duck the reporters by changing her jacket. Hey Kay Kay, do you know how the reporters knew it was you in the first place? Your face. Believe it or not they did not identify you by your jacket.  I can guarantee you that the RGJ has never ran a report with the headline “Gibbons sends over 800 text messages to a woman in a white coat”. Pretty sure they ran more along the lines of “Gibbons sends over 800 text messages to Kathy Karasch”.  So unless your plan for a disguise was donning a ski mask of some kind (inadvisable in an airport by the way), I’m not really sure what your angle was.


1:56 – Here’s where it really gets rough.  Reporter Jonathan begins interviewing K-2 as she borderline jogs out to the parking lot.  He starts peppering her with questions about where she was and if she was with the Governor. It’s here we find that K Dub has an interesting tell.  Every time she lies or tries to deny something, she starts off the sentence with “You know what…”. No fooling.  EVERY SINGLE TIME she’s denying something she says “You know what”.  Helpful tip in the event you find yourself in a game of high stakes poker with Kay Day.


2:38 – Starting off her third sentence in the last six with “You know what…” K squared claims that the reason she turned around to go back into the bathroom when the cameras got to her was that she probably forgot to wash her hands and she’s a very clean person. Two major problems with that statement. Firstly, did you go in the bathroom because you probably forgot to wash your hands or because you did forget to wash your hands? I know its late but this happened at most 5 minutes (or however long it takes to change a coat) ago, so you should remember why you went back in there.  Secondly, anyone who is a “very clean person,” does not forget to wash their hands when they exit an airport bathroom.  Some would argue that a “very clean person” does not even enter an airport bathroom.


2:47 – Getting Warm.  K squared throws out an absolute zinger by stating that maybe she was in Las Vegas (the origin of their connecting flight) because “You know what, I could’ve been in Las Vegas having tea with the first lady”. Hahahaha were Batman and the Pope at this tea party too? Because that had just as good a chance of happening. Here’s why that was a dumb thing to say:

1. Michelle Obama was seen at the Governor’s conference you didn’t go to so she wasn’t in Las Vegas.

2. You know who Michelle Obama did have tea with this week?  The Dalai Lama.  You don’t go from spiritual leader of Tibet to girlfriend of Governor with a 10 percent approval rating.  That’s like starting off the original “We Are The World” video with Lionel Richie and then doing the next one with Justin Bieber.  No one makes that transition (oh, wait…).


3:09 – She’s heating up.  After opening the trunk for no discernable reason K-K claims that the people of Nevada need to know that Gibbons is a “very honorable and trustworthy man.”  No comment on this one, there’s no way to make that statement more hilarious.


3:21- And she’s on fire!  Kay-Z brings it all home by saying “You know it doesn’t really matter who I spent time with.  I spent time with Arnold Schwarzenegger this weekend.  Does that matter to you?” Yes.  And you know why it does?  Because Arnold Schwarzenegger is not just the man who killed T-1000, he is also the governor of California.  Do you know where all the governors where this weekend?  That’s right, at the Governor’s Conference in Washington D.C.  Where you weren’t/totes were.

(Note, if Arnold actually sent a cyborg look-alike to the conference in his place and actually spent the weekend in the jungle with Apollo Creed killing Predators, and that’s where you were with him?  Then we apologize for everything and take the whole thing back.  You Miss are an American hero and we salute you. Buuuut, if you were both actually at the Governor’s Conference, than methinks we smell a fibber).


3:39 – A member of the Governor’s security detail helps the upset Karasch into the car.  Jonathan begins questioning him about what he’s doing, and he responds by saying, get this, “No comment”.  Jonathan pursues it and the agent walks away.  How is it that this guy is the only one who knows how to handle pesky reporters?  The Governor could have gone the same way and pleaded the fifth, but instead chose to straight up lie.  Has he never seen a cop movie?  Taking a step back, we’ve got to hand it to the security guard.  We actually feel bad for this guy, he’s just trying to do his job and help out the state of Nevada.  It’s not his fault the Governor wanted to bring his “good friend” to D.C. with him.  He’s just trying to help out and keep his head down.  We like him.  Plus, he reminds us of Jack from Lost so that makes us like him a little more.  If the election was tomorrow and only people featured in this video were running, we would definitely vote for this guy (or the scruffy guy holding the other camera, he’s got spunk).


4:20 – After yet another go around of the “was she with you?”, “she wasn’t in the conference”.  Gibbons walks up to THE SAME CAR K^2 got in and starts to load his bags.  Frankly I have to admit that at this point I was jealous.  You see, my girlfriend and I have a hard time coordinating our schedules, and we talk all the time.  But the Governor of our state and KK don’t have to.  They can not know where the other one even is for a whole weekend, stumble onto the same plane, ride down the escalator inches apart without even noticing each other, never say a single word to each other in the airport, and STILL end up in the same car. That my friends, is a level of coordination and planning abilities that I will just never have. So I want to take this moment to say: I’m sorry babe, I’m sorry we’re not as dialed in as Gibbons and his lady are.


4:39 – Gibbons keeps claiming Karasch wasn’t at the conference and Jonathan tells him that she claimed she met the Governor of California this weekend.  Gibbons takes a second to think about it, and then dead serious says “well she met him somewhere.”  It would seem the Governor is also unsure of just where the Kindergarten Cop was this weekend and may even possibly subscribe to our cyborg decoy/predator hunt theory.


5:11 – Gibbons tries to justify what he said earlier by claiming Kathy Karasch was not in D.C. and only joined him in Las Vegas.  Jonathan points out that this would still make his earlier statement that she was not in the airport a lie.


He then brings up the thing that we should be writing about, the fact that this week there is a special session to cut away $1 billion from Nevada’s state budget, a large piece of which Gibbons wants to come out of our University. When Jonathan asks him why he’s just now getting back from a trip on which he may or may not have been accompanied by a woman who was not his wife (because the divorce has yet to be legally finalized.  Classy.) the GibGov just loses it.  In what is probably his only candid moment of the interview, the Governor tells Jonathan that he is full of shit.

He just loves the piss out of that black turtle neck look


Now look, who would we be to criticize the use of colorful language?  We’ve used it ourselves in the past.  Sometimes when you’re mad it just comes out.  We’ve sworn at calculus tests so we can certainly see him swearing at the kid who’s been grilling him and his (maybe) lady friend.  The swearing is not what we’re mad about. What we’re mad about is that this guy is going to try and get the legislature to cut funding for education this week.  He’s doing it because Nevada can’t raise the money that most states can because we don’t have income tax.  Gibbons thinks that adopting an income tax is impossible (because he wouldn’t do it) because businesses would not want to come here if we had one.  But you know what else would make businesses not want to come here? People who graduated from half a university. Other states have income taxes and businesses still go there.  But no business will go to a place that doesn’t the people who are trained to work there.


Cutting education is cutting our future.  It is cutting our children’s future and it is cutting any potential gubernatorial love child’s future.  We cannot in good conscience stand by while this liar who doesn’t understand how cameras work decides to cut education.  This guy is at the wheel, and it is irresponsible of us to let him drive us all off a cliff.  So write letters, call your state senators and protest the capital.  Make signs, start facebook groups, where bitingly clever t-shirts.  If we want Nevada to stay relevant past next Tuesday, we have to protect it from Fred Flinstone’s older, more confused brother.  This is your time, rise up and make sure that a guy who doesn’t even know how to tell a lie that makes sense doesn’t get his way.


Finally we leave you with this: If you get active and education doesn’t get cut, we promise that we will take you to a tea party in Las Vegas with Michelle Obama.

So although our blog is hilarious and we’re rapidly approaching world wide fame with 268 Facebook fans,  it’s not always an easy life. We tend to be offensive, obnoxious, biased, funny, spiteful, single minded and most importantly, filled with this unshakable Pack Pride. (suck on that UNLV). But, turns out not everybody is on Team NSS. To show you the rough life we lead (sex, drugs and blog rolls) we’ve posted some of our best hate mail. And of course, our responses.

From: John Wilkins afconnery@unr.edu 134.197.22.10

Your article contains the following error:
“Not only is today the Nevada SpaceSuit’s birthday, but it is also Veteran’s Day. That’s right, we have the same birthday as the armed services”

The armed services came about with the creation of the United States Army on June 14th, 1775. I thought you guys were in college. You couldn’t even research a rather easy topic like Veteran’s Day. It was made to honor veterans.

So, next time you want to go out and act like idiots, don’t do it while you claim to be this great free media. You give intelligent free-thinkers a bad name.

Our response:

Our dearest John Wilkins,

We are so sorry for offending you. We’ll have our editors fix it right away! But to tell you the truth, Wikipedia was down that day so we just made it up. Kinda like the rest of this blog…

But how’s this for some research? We didn’t want to let you down again.

Name: CONNERY, FREDERICK (FRED)

Title: ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT III

Department: CAMPUS RECREATION & WELLNESS

Mail Stop: 0422
Location LRC230

Phone: (775) 784-1546

Fax: (775) 784-1330

Email: fconnery@unr.edu

Oh, and we’re lovin your user pic http://www.facebook.com/fred.connery?ref=nf



From: Sir Thomas More ertnlv89@gmail.com

At least the Red Cannon looks better then the puke paintjob UNR puts it on it. Must be the budget cuts.

Our Response:

Thanks for chiming in Sir Thomas. I must tell you we’re honored that you took time off from battling the evils of Lutheranism to time travel forward to 2009 to weigh in the color of the cannon (which in all honesty must be surprising to you in many ways, as cannons will not be introduced in Europe until after you die. For serious, are you having an Encino Man going to the amusement park with Pauly Shore moment right now?). Anyway, two points on what you just said:
1. 63 points on 773 yards. Go ahead and read that again.
2. I have to question your diet if your definition of normal puke color is a majestic navy blue. We’re not sure what you’re eating but maybe you should try getting some more fruit in there or something bro.

Majestic Navy Blue is an Understatement

Okay, and sometimes (about as often as I get that weird rash) we get some fan mail:


From: Little Blogdorf blogdorf.wordpress.org mike@lilwal.com

Nice poem. Dr. Suess meets Dr. Dre. I always thought the only thing missing from Suess books were gratuitous vulgarity. Well done. Keep up the good work.

Our response:

Thanks Blogdorf,
Like both Doctors, Seuss and Dre, we are in fact straight outta Compton. So I guess it’s just in our DNA.

From: Caitlin Cakey56@hotmail.com

Just wanted to let you guys know how much this blog kicks ass. It kinda made me want to start writing at the University. Wow, I know. A little intense. But its true. I write the sex column for the UNR Sagebrush and I try to keep it silly and edgy (well, as much as I can get away with at the fucking Sagebrush. Ha ha. Keep up the good shit and check out my writings if you are ever bored. Also, I’m always down for advise from a more experienced writer as I am totally new to this.
-Caitlin Thomas
ps-WHO ARE YOU GUYS? Haha

Our response:

We really appreciate those kind words Caitlin. But to tell you the truth, it’s making me uncomfortable. I only know how to put people down and make sarcastic comments (call me a passive aggressive, if you must). So in all honestly, I’m gonna have to make this short. So thanks for the fan mail, keep up your creepy sex columns for the Sagebrush (I’m sorry, I’m just not as open with my sexuality as you are after the third baby-scare). And seriously, don’t rely on us for inspiration to “kinda make you want to start writing at the University” – we’re an unreliable source (as John Wilkins will confirm) and really we’re mostly drunk.

It’s the first day of school and there’s things to be done.  If you don’t get all the things done you need to now before homework and CH induced apathy, you never will.  So here the Nevada Space Suit presents your guide to the first day of school.

Happy to be here

1.  Take something for your hangover and be thankful you’re not some naive freshmen who thinks they should take 8 o’clock classes anymore.

2. Shave, have some self respect you scruffy bastard.

3. You’re also probably gonna want to switch from last month’s schedule of changing your underwear every five days to a more respectable 2 day chones max.

4. Don’t feel like you have to take all your old notebooks out of your backpack just b/c its a new semester, there’s still at least 15 pages left in the back of the yellow one.

5. Hit Trojes.  Going here every day will remind you why its worth it to be a Finance Major.

6. See a kid from your accounting class last semester who you don’t really know but recognize.  Make eye contact and realize they also recognize you but are unsure of how to handle this situation.  Pretend you’re getting a call and look down at your phone.

7. Go to Lombardi and burn off the all the fat that accumulated while you were playing Dragon Age and eating Cheetos with your boy Keith.  You already didn’t go the whole year without drunk dialing an ex, lose some weight and keep at least one of those New Year’s resolutions dammit.  Also, for the first two week that place is hot chicks on elliptical machines city, enjoy it while it lasts.

8. Freshmen, stay with your girlfriend.  This isn’t like the beginning of fall semester where a halter top parade marches through the quad every day.  Stay the course and wait it out until you end up making out with some chick from Wisconsin in a Cabana at Spring Break (more on girls and how the state they are from corresponds with their level of sluttiness on Spring Break coming at a future date).

9.  If by chance, you wrote a mean letter to Vai Taua that was seen by 500 people, and he DIDN’T end up leaving school, avoid him like the effing plague.  You can’t out run him so you’ll probably need to hide.  We suggest the Library.

10.  Make a first day of school playlist.  If you’re doing it right here are the tracks you should have:

  • OMC “How Bizarre”
  • Kesha “Tic Toc” (ps put it on now, b/c in three weeks this’ll be all the way played out, unless its the remix w/Pitbull, then you have like 2 more months.)
  • Electric SweaterVest Experience “January IS Sex Month”
  • Harry Potter Soundtrack “Theme Song From the Half Blood Prince” (watch UNR become Hogwarts before your muggle eyes.  Start with Glick as Dumbledore and it all just flows from there.
  • “Somebody’s Watching Me (Geico Remix)” 
  • The rest is up to you, we can’t all have the same playlist or it’ll turn into “1984” choose your own wild card.

11. Don’t be that prick who raises his hand every ten minutes on the first day.  Nobody likes that guy. Instead be the chick who’s thong hangs way out of her pants  in the front row, everybody loves her.

This article is dedicated to the fine young gentlemen of the Nevada football team, and more specifically, to star running back Vai Taua.  Young Mr. Taua was Nevada’s leading rusher this year, gaining over 1,400 total yards with 12 touchdowns, basically we’re saying he was good.

How effin' adorable

Unfortunately Vai wasn’t able to play in Nevada’s bowl game (which will be known as Pearl Harbor 2: Trouble In Paradise) because he wasn’t academically eligible for the spring semester.  Vai sat the game out, our top-ranked rushing offense looked anemic and SMU made us their girlfriends like we were in a prison shower.

Needless to say, we hated it.  The NSS offices have been a dark place ever since.  Maybe you can tell by us not having said anything about this game for a week that we were pretty broken up about it.  We’ve basically been the blogging equivalent of the red ring of death mixed with that American Indian guy from those 70s PSA’a who used to cry when he looked at landfills and stuff.

Anyway, in order to make sure this never happens again we’ve taken it upon ourselves to make a guide for our students to follow to ensure that we are never again left high and dry by someone failing a survey of jazz test (yeah, that was the class). The basketball team needed our help with the “guide to stealin’ mo’ betta” and now we’re trying to help out the football team.   Also it is worth noting that this list was made assuming the reader was an athlete, lists for greeks and a regular people will follow in the future.

1.  Because you’re an athlete, you get to pick out your classes before everybody else.  You know what kind of student you are, there are actually some athletes that are very smart, certainly smarter than us, and we don’t want to make broad generalizations.  But if you don’t think you should be signing up for Physics 485, then chances are you’re right. Make sure you pick out classes with words like “dance”, or “volleyball”, or “intro to” in the title.  Avoid classes with the words “econometrics”, or “advanced”, and possibly even “math”.

2. Once you’ve signed up for classes, the most important thing to do is to make sure you get to the first class on time.  You’re going to want to get there on time for a few reasons.  First off, the teacher will think you’re not just some lazy athlete.  Secondly, you can make sure you get a seat in the back by the 5 other football players who will undoubtedly be hanging out back there.  The third and most important reason is that this will give you the best opportunity to find the kid who is going to be doing your homework this semester.  When everyone goes around and says something about themselves on the first day, look for the kid who something about science camp or uses really big words when they say what their interests are (important:  “Kardashian” should not count as one of these big words, depending on the girl it will probably end in some anonymous sex, but not in a passing grade).

3. When you pick out the person who will be doing your homework this year (they will henceforth be referred to as “the mule”), you need to weigh all the factors.  There are two main types of mules you should be looking at, either the nerdy football head guy who thinks you are a living god, or the innocent, naive girl who thinks you actually like her for her (note, you’ll need to catch this girl in the fall semester of her freshmen year, this is the last time girls will believe this).  Both of these people will do your homework as long as you hang out with them and pretend to be their friend.  To pick up the football head nerd, talk to him a lot about stats and stuff and how you’ll get him some of your old team shirts and invite him to football parties (you don’t actually have to invite him to parties).  The girl will be easier to pick up, you’re a football player and you’re in phenomenal shape, just lift up your shirt and ask her if she likes the situation.  If life is like the “Jersey Shore”, and hopefully it is, you two will be making out in your hot tub and making sandwiches in no time.  Afterwards you can ask her if she’ll do your homework.

4. Go to class.  We know it sucks.  Skipping class is a time honored collegiate tradition and if we had it our way everyone would be able to skip classes equal amounts and professors would be none the wiser.  Unfortunately if you’re on the football team you probably weigh between 200-350 pounds, are built like a truck, and are a little more than noticeable when splashed on a canvas of lily white World of Warcraft enthusiasts with beer bellies and little to no muscle definition.  Long story short, the teacher is going to notice you’re not there.  (Note: if you’re one of the kickers you can ignore that last paragraph, you guys just look like geology majors who got their hands on some sweatpants).

5.  Do what every other kid in college does and CHEAT.  Seriously, you show me one engineering student who went through “Fluid Dynamics” without someone’s old notes and I will show you a liar with an engineering degree.  Get notes from people, get old tests.  There are drawers full of every test anyone’s ever taken at this school in some of the frat houses.  Those guys used to play football in high school, they think you’re cool.  They’re desperate to have a black friend, they will let you look in those drawers.  Now I know what you’re saying, “Well gee that is a swell idea, but what if the teacher catches me?  I’d really be up a creek then!” Here’s the thing, as we mentioned before, you are built like small, mobile, buildings.  Professors are built like zip lock bags filled up with peanut butter, flex the guns a little bit and all will be forgotten (except with Paul Mitchell, don’t fuck with that guy.  We’re 90 percent sure he used to be “Gemini” on the old American Gladiators show).

Hopefully you guys can follow these steps and pass all your classes (even the brain busters like survey of jazz) this spring and be eligible for next year’s season.  And p.s., Ault, “evaluating Taua’s role with the team”?  We all know he’s coming back.  You don’t do the Family Matters without Eddie y’know?  I mean sure, he doesn’t get all the press and the headlines like Urkel (Kaepernick)

Borderline suicidal.  That’s how the Nevada Spacesuit, much like yourself, felt after watching Nevada get crushed by SMU in the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl last week.  That got us here at the spacesuit thinking about terrible things that could have happened that would have been not as bad as what happened on Thursday.  Here, as always, is an alphabet list of things that, while terrible, still would not have been as bad as what happened at Pearl Harbor 2: Trouble In Paradise.

a.  Lebron James deciding to quit the NBA and use his 4 years of eligibility at UNLV

b. The economy crashes again.

c. 20th Century Fox cancels funding for the Arrested Development movie to concentrate on Bride Wars 2.

d. It turns out that Mortal Kombat was based on a true story and Outworld invades Earthrealm.

e. All those Italian activists actually get Jersey Shore canceled.

f. The polar ice caps melt.

g. Your boyfriend gets fat.

h. I have to hear one more thing about Tiger God damn Woods.

i. Running into your old boyfriend who is no longer fat.

j. Vai Taua pumps the break on weed for a little bit and actually does his jazz homework.

k. It’s discovered that a little alien has been living in his head, controlling Barack Obama Men In Black style.

l. Limp Bizkit breaks up.

m. Y2K hits ten years late.

n. Your parents tell you that you were adopted. Also, that they’ve only kept you so long because it’s part of an elaborate bet your “Dad” made in college.

o. You think you’re going to the prom with Patrick, he’s a moody Australian transfer student with dashing good looks who totally “gets you”.  Even after you tried to blow him off he still pursued you and took you on an awesome paintball/pedal boat date.  You all go to the prom and your younger sister Alex Mac punches your ex boyfriend in the nose and doesn’t even get kicked out, she just keeps dancing with the kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun.  Then suddenly, when everything is going great, you find out Patrick was paid to take you out.  F.Y.L.

Patrick woo-ing you at soccer practice

p. Back To The Future turns out to be a lie and we don’t all get hoverboards within the next 5 years.

q. Your mom friends you on facebook and starts making weird comments on all your drunk pictures.

r. U-Swirl closes.

s. They open up a cantina (cantina meaning “bar” in Spanish) in the union that doesn’t even serve alcohol.  Oh wait….

t. Gold ‘n Silver stops being open 24 hours a day.  Drunk college students, hobos, and pimps who like to show their bottom bitches a classy time riot in the streets.

u. You go to a 2-D showing of Avatar. You didn’t even know they didn’t show it in 3-D, which is like the whole point of the movie, but they do.  You thought it was suspicious when you didn’t get 3-D glasses but you just rolled with it.  2 hours later you’re balls deep in a slightly longer and more confusing version of “Ferngully”.  Basically what I’m saying is fuck you Parklane Theaters.

v. The vampires that all chicks think are so hot turn out to be real.  Vampires everywhere embark on a spree of murder/rapes. Pandemonium ensues and America wonders what was so hot about rapist killing machines in the first place.

w. Sarah Palin gets elected. My aunt Candy loves it.

x. They stop playing Full House re-runs.

y. All your shoes get lost and you have to bring in the New Year in your roommate’s fanciest Crocs.

z. Red Ring of Death.

So there you have it, an alphabet list of things that would not have been as bad as the anal pounding we got from SMU.  But hey, Boise State won, so that’s good right? Happy New Year.

The 00’s are winding down faster than your Dad after a hard day at the mill… and we can’t believe it’s over.  A lot of sweet ass stuff happened this decade: first black president, puberty, going to college, B2K, you participating in your first make shift abortion, Jersey Shore, etc.  Everyone and your  mom is doing a list about the best of this decade.  Not the Nevada SpaceSuit.  Instead, we are going to give you our top predictions for things that will happen in the upcoming decade.  As evidenced by our horoscopes we’re bordering on Miss Cleo levels of psychic ability (secretly hardest word ever to spell right on the first time: psychic), so you should really pay attention. So here it is, our top alphabet list (this one goes all the way to Z!) of “The Teens: the stuff that’s 100% for sure happening in the next decade”

A. With the apocalypse upon us, God asks for his voice back from journalism professor Paul Mitchell.

B. You get married.

C. You get divorced.

D. The Nevada SpaceSuit still has a readership of under 200 people.

E. Mattel perfects and then mass markets hoverboards by 2015.  This one has to happen so that Back To The Future II can come true-although that’s actually true for a lot of things…

F. NEVADA finally adopts a hand gesture that looks like an actual wolf and stops stealing Texas’ hook ’em horns gesture.

G. Chris Ault introduces a new offense.  This one’s called WINNING.

H. Sales of Call of Duty will surpass most European nation’s GDP’s

I. Soccer will finally fulfill its destiny and become the most popular sport in America.

J. No it won’t.  It’s gay.

K. The shuttle drivers figure out how to space themselves out from each other.

L. Sarah Palin loses the next election, my aunt Pam can’t believe it.

M. Nevada 2100 in the Sagebrush will have failed to get any of their predictions right.  Plus it still won’t ever be funny.

N. The Athletic Department will add another wolf mascot. Her name will be Alphina. You know, so Alphie can finally get laid.

O. Casey Stiteler will run and win the position of ASUN President. Everyone still thinks it’s Eli Reilly.

P. Someone from the basketball team actually graduates

Q. Phi Delt finally reestablishes contact with the mother ship

R. I finally make the transition into being the creepy old guy at the club

S. Marcellus Kemp stops to think about how much he misses college, but goes back to cooking the fries.

T. Reno is finally able to anticipate winter coming and gets their shit together with more than 9 snow plows for the whole city.

U. Tila Tequila finally finds true love

V. Kids will talk about Twilight was such a classic from “back in the day”.  You will just want to slap the shit out of these kids.

W. A couple football players wear something other than matching Nevada sweat pants.

X. They are immediately ostracized.

Y. ASUN vice President Charlie Jose has to start shaving more than once every 3 months.

Z. The real Mark Fox is found in a lab outside Fernley. It is revealed that an evil clone engineered by Utah State quit the coaching job at Nevada and everything in the world makes sense again.

Obviously separated at birth

November 11, 2009

Happy AmericaSpaceSuit Day

Today is a special, special day.  So special that we didn’t have class today.  Perhaps you noticed?  Not only is today the Nevada SpaceSuit’s birthday, but it is also Veteran’s Day.  That’s right, we have the same birthday as the day set aside to remember those who have served in armed services.  We expect we may be twins that were separated in some sort of wacky “Sister Sister” situation.  If we had to guess we’d say we’re probably Tamara (which would make you Roger).

But perhaps you don’t believe us.  Let us prove to you that the NSS and this country’s armed services are basically the same people (only with wacky twin differences).

1. They fight for freedom… and we write for freedom. Ok more so for laughs. Whatever.

2. The average marine probably did like 200 pushups today.  We went through at least a half box of Push Pops this afternoon (though in fairness it was so we could make enough Flinstone’s cars to have a drag race).

3. We both wear uniforms. However ours have no medals. Just a pocket big enough to fit a medium sized flask.

4. We are both in the front lines of attack.. although ours is primarily through vicious hate mail.

5.Neither of us will ever go to Cantina Del Lobo after 5 because they don’t fuckin serve alcohol.

6. The Marine veterans yell “semper fi”…while we just try and figure out where we can find those drunk  Pi Phi.

7. They keep us safe from terrorists and we keep you safe from the vacuum? (OK WE TRIED!)

8. They make life or death decisions daily. We decide whether to hit Los Tres Hombres or Port of Subs before naptime.

9. They run 5 miles everyday. We go to Lombardi if its on the way to our car.

10. The Navy only had one Village People song explicitly about them. We’ve had several.

In all seriousness though, the NSS would like to take a moment to recognize all of the American soldiers, but most importantly veterans. Without them, we’d be in class right now or we could be trying to break a language barrier and forced into an arranged marriage with the ugliest mo’fo you’ve ever seen. But, the good news is that none of these things are happening to us, Hannah Montana had it right.. It IS a party in the USA.  And that’s because of the militants and veterans of a’merica.

Kaep Facts

November 10, 2009

In the words of Joe Santoro, “The strength of the pack is the wolf and the strength of the wolf is the KAP.” And we here at the Nevada SpaceSuit believe that.

Colin Kaepernick is an accomplished man.  He’s only 21 and already way more popular than you’ll ever be.  With football season in full swing he’s undoubtedly the big man on campus.

As such,  people know stuff about him.  Like that he’s already won WAC player of the week twice this season, that he was drafted by Major League Baseball but turned it down to play here, and that he looks slick in a full sweat suit and a matching hat.  However, there are other things about him that you may not know.

It is thought that these facts aren’t revealed because he would likely be forced immediately to leave Nevada and become either the governor or Iron Man.  But we here at the Nevada SpaceSuit are known for our Woodward and Bernstein level of investigative reporting.  We dug deep, and we found out that things that the government doesn’t want you to know about Colin Kaepernick.

kaep

Hottie, Hottie 2 by 4

15. He’s really left handed.  He only throws with his right so that he won’t break his receivers hands every time they catch a pass.

14. Can eat a bag of Pop Rocks with a can of Coke and barely even flinch.

13. Barry Bonds wasn’t on HGH, but he was regularly injecting himself with vials of Kaep’s sweat.

12.  In fourth grade he successfully pulled off the Powerline Dance at a school assembly (and if you don’t get that joke you haven’t seen the “Goof Troop Movie” recently enough.  In which case, come on, let out your inner child).

11. He once ate three plates of  those DC store chicken  tenders (that I swear to G are laced with LSD) and didn’t puke it all up like us mere mortals.

10.  He wears number ten.  Which all sixth graders know can be made to look like a wiener going into a vag hole.  Awesome.

9. The Pokemon? He caught ’em all.

8. He makes a really excellent Peach Cobbler.

7. He could throw the ball over them mountains.

6. If he didn’t shave between quarters Taua  would trip over his beard on every read option.

5. Is confident enough in his level of coolness to rock the Vin Diesel “I live my life a quarter mile at a time” era hair cut.

4. Him and Lippincott are buddies, they’re pals, they always work things out.  (You don’t get this one either?  Did you seriously never watch Goof Troop?  Did you grow up in the Amish country there, Jedediah?)

3. Made the Kessel run in only 11 parsecs.  Suck it Han Solo.

2. Once threw a pass so accurate, that not only did it go through the eye of a needle, but the iris and cornea as well.

1. The middle hour of “Dark Knight” is a word for word account of how he spent his summer vacation in ’07.

That's me, the dumpy Chick on the Left

That's me, the dumpy chick on the left

You know what we love giving? Contrary to popular belief, it’s not money to the poor. Instead, it’s Advice. And do you know why? We’re obviously smart. I mean, we didn’t go to UNLV and we don’t know you so its not like we could hurt your feelings. So yes, we’ve started an advice column. Turns out our readers are extremely needy.

Q: I’m addicted to FaceBook. My grades are slipping and my parents have threatened to send me to rehab… What do I do?

A: DubTeeeEfff. They have a facebook rehab??? Dude, totes go and tell us all about it. And while you’re there get hooked on crystal meth so when you come back your parents understand what a REAL addiction is like.

Q: I heard Barbara Land is an easy teacher… is it true?

A: Well despite the many rumors floating through the world wide web, we’ve never actually had sex with her, but I heard she gives out A’s like candy.

Q: I’m afraid that when I graduate I won’t be able to find employment? What do you guys suggest I do to land a job?

A: Well the first thing is stop sucking so much. Next, I’d def say that you have a degree from THE University of Nevada, so you’re pretty golden. Oh, you didn’t graduate in the nationally ranked business, journalism or engineering schools? Yikes. Well, have fun riding out the economy.

Q:I’m thinking of proposing to my girlfriend, what’s a good romantic idea?

A: Oh GOD.  You’re one of thoseeee. You’re so in love, nothing will ever tear you apart.. and man, how lucky are you to find your soulmate at TWENTY. You do realize that if you die at 85, you have 65 more years with this person. Missing out is just the beginning. But really, good luck with that.

Happy Homecoming!

October 24, 2009

new yearsOpen up that bottle of Andres you’ve been saving, today is a special occasion.

It’s Homecoming! GO PACK!

Homecoming at Nevada is really one of the best times of the year.  Also, in a stroke of cleverness the HC Crew has picked Dr. Seuss as the theme.  In honor of Homecoming and psychedelically colored anthropomorphic animals (our two favorite things) we have written this poem about the most wonderful time of the year:

KC-Screen-Ad

October is passing and Homecoming is here,

Pour out the Blue Thunder and let out a cheer

Midterms are coming and you really should study

But instead you’re cigarette bumming saying fuck books

Kapernick’s running and Kapernick’s throwing

The frats are float building and way over bro-ing

Thetas hate Tri-Delts and Tri-Delts hate Thetas

Although to 85% of this campus that’s just useless data

At the talent show Sigma Kappa grins cheek to cheek

While most apathetic students just think its free burger week

People don’t care, and perhaps they have reason,

After all it is almost snowboarding season,

But there are some of us that do, and for this we rejoice

We’ll be the ones in the student section, bringing the noise,

So go ahead and be oblivious, let the good times pass,

Just know it’s like walking by Shakira, and not scoping her ass (so pointless)

Wolves are a hopping and wolves are a skipping,

Vandals are heaving their tears are all dripping

And it’s not cuz they’re sneeches without stars on their breeches

Not cuz they’re road leeches or some kind of who-peaches

They know they’re going down and the reason’s a cinch

It’s because they’re Christmas, and we’re the mutha-fuckin’ Grinch

Go Pack.

It seems like we always get the same goddamn questions asked of us over and over. So, instead of trying to get in contact with us, spare everyone the boredom and check out our new frequently asked question section. And if your question isn’t here… why don’t you do everyone a favor and keep it to yourself.

faq

Wake up and smile. We’re going to beat the Rebels today.

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Not our fault

October 3, 2009

Oh hey there. So, sorry we haven’t posted in… well, five months. It’s called “summer break” people! And our summer break stayed strong into fall.  Look, we don’t go by the Milton Glick’s calendar.  We go by God’s, and his said that summer lasted until September 21st.  The ten days after that?  Probably a combination of Beatles Rock Band, depression from being 0-3, laziness, and what one registered nurse (though I’d like to see the degree mill that quack got certified at) called a pretty serious huffing addiction.

But don’t be mad at us. We here at the NSS are here to stay.

Oh. And stop sending hate mail.

Si, Si, it is that time of year again. The best college holiday.. cinco de drinko. The weather’s warm (if you aren’t in Reno) and it’s time to get your drink on.

Just don’t end up like these people. And if you do, make sure your friends take a picture.

Sometimes the last few steps are the hardest.drunk2

Me at the last company picnic.passedoutdrunk

In Mackay We Trust

May 3, 2009

Alright, so there was no ASUN kegs, no games in Manzanita Lake and definitely no short shorts. But it was still a great week because students actually.. you know.. showed up.

rofl

 

These will be updated as we decide on other stuff that we’d really like to see abbreviated.

 

The first version of the list has our top 9)


 

1. Just so you know: JSYK. Or the more offensive JSUK (we’re open to either)


 

2. Hold on a minute, I am at the break and it is so loud: HOAMIAATBAIISL


 

3. Be there in a second: BTIAS


 

4. Can’t answer the phone, I’m effing somebody: We actually don’t think we should abbreviate this one. We’d prefer to see it actually written out as often as possible.


 

5. University of Nevada, Las Vegas : GAY


 

6. Ewww, look inside. Really everything is like leaking yellow!: ELI REILLY


 

7. Your mom is fat: YMIF


 

8. Mom I’d like to fuck: BUT YOU NEVER WILL. Really stop dreaming. Also, how much do you really want to fuck someone’s mom? I get that it would be sweet if she made you like cookies and stuff afterwards but if its your friends mom she probably would have done that anyway.


 

 

9. We’re breaking up. It’s not you its me. I just feel like we’re past the honeymoon stage and the magic is gone. Its like im going this way and then bam, you’re like totally going the other way. Y’know? Oh and yes I am banging your roommate: WBU. INUIM. IJFLWPTHSATMIG. ILIGTWATB, YLTGTOW. Y’K? OAYIABYR.


 

It’s wordy we know, but breakups are often long and painful. With all crying and the carrying on, the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” “I thought we were supposed to grow old together”. “What about when you told me that one thing at my parent’s house the day after Easter.” You know the drill. Anyway, using our special “alphabet message” you can just go ahead and save yourself the pain. She’ll probably think you’re saying something sweet anyway (until he/she gets the accompanying picture message).

1. Take a picture on the howling wolf statue outside of Mackay Stadium. The climb is tough and a little uneven, but the view is great. And the picture will be epic.

2. Do a round of shots (plural) with your friends and head on over to that 5:30 class. Not only will the teacher be 10 times as funny, but the guy next to you makes for an excellent vomit receptacle.

3. Swim to the bottom of Manzanita Lake. There’s treasure down there! Just kidding, that’s gross. And you will probably die.

4. Visit all the every all-you-can-eat events put on by Greeks. This means D-Hop, Sausage Fest, SKetti Night, The Great Salmonella Cook Out… just remember to drink before hand. Otherwise, the lines are unbearable and you’re in a Greek house. Lose-Lose.

5. Rush the field at Mackay Stadium after a big win (preferably UNLV). Its always a challenge to avoid getting trampled while drunk. There is also no greater sense of campus-community hugging and jumping up and down with the stranger next to you wearing a FUNLV shirt.

6. Go back to the dorm room you had freshman year and make new friends. Bring a six pack as a peace offering. You’d be surprised how much it hasn’t changed.

7. Go to the Planetarium and see Darkside of the Moon.. that shit is trippy.

8. Attend campus events. You pay something like $5 a credit to your student government (It’s called ASUN) so all the free stuff they do.. barbecues, t-shirts, rallies, awkward rides with Campus Escort… you already paid for. Get your money’s worth.

9. Visit Lake Tahoe. I’m not talking about going to the ski resorts to shred the gnar pow-pow. I mean that crystal clear, blue and  beautiful bounty of water.  Just watch out for Tahoe Tessie. I heard she bites. Big time.

10. How many times can you hear this one:  learn the fuckin’ Fight Song. It rhymes so it’s not that hard.

11. Carve your name in a desk some where in the Knowledge Center. The place still doesn’t even look used! We lost a lot of history when we moved from Getchell, so it’s time for you to make your mark. No pun intended. Or was it?

The Greeks. No not the ones with gods and goddesses who just opened up that nice feta cheese restaurant in the union, we’re talking about the ones with no gods who just opened up a 40 in the union. However, as tooly/douchey as some of them are, you have to admire their camaraderie and the way they all have their own little groups with their own little labels and activities. Also apparently they have families (either that or those sadistic bastards just make fun of all the fat ones by calling them “big”).
But we know more than most that from time to time, everyone feels a little bit of Greek envy. Like when you’re best friends are out of town and you want to go out? Greeks can just grab whoever is around and chalk it up to bonding. Or maybe you’re slogging through some hellish poly-sci paper and you know that son of a gun who sits behind you in Sigma Nu is just going to pull their report out of some filing cabinet, change the first paragraph, and have themselves a night of Street Fighter 4. We’ve all been there. But you know what? Greeks get jealous of you too.

You know why? Because you’re Persian. That’s right Persian.

You aren’t Greek, and so Peloponnesian logic says you must be Persian. Don’t worry about the fact that you have more body hair and it looks like you lose at the end of “300”. You’ve got stuff to be proud of. Stuff, that is listed below:
The perks of being Persian:

1. Our Monday nights are always free.
2. There’s no need to pretend you like Kappa Alpha Theta just because they are your partners during Greek Week. Feel free to dislike them as much as you please.
3. No anal rape. Ever.
4. I can have my chicken cooked however I like. (Well done usually).
5. Do I do any charity? Fuck no. However I would like to bust a watermelon every so often.
6. I’ve never moved into a house that wasn’t mine.
7. Way easier to slide under the radar when totally shit faced at games (Greek letters are a red flag at this school).
8. Never have to talk to Turtle Massey. Oh wait neither do you. High five!
9. As a man I’m free to grow my facial hair in any manner I please. Not just the chin goatee chops combo.
10. All of your friends are free.
11. If there’s a douche bag who no one likes, you don’t have to hang out with them.
12. I don’t have to put out at a dance. As a man I have the right to say no (I wouldn’t but y’know, I could).

Cold again? Son of a gun

April 14, 2009

The following is a thank you letter to Reno:

Dear Reno,

I just want to thank you for getting cold again today. When the temperature went up to 72 yesterday I was pissed. As you know, the only thing college students hate more than going outside and being in the sun is being tricked into going out in the sun for one short short day, getting in the warm weather mindset, and then waking up to find snow on the ground the next day.

Really, why would you be warm for one day? Why show us girls in tank tops and shorts? We don’t want to see that. I like my women like I like my members of the rebel alliance in the beginning of episode V. Bundled up, frost bitten, and preferably stuffed in a Tauntaun. Also, I was starting to get a tan yesterday. Hello!? Who wants to look good? Not this guy. The more days out of the year I look like a character from corpse bride the better. Although in fairness, I loved how you made all of the flowers and buds bloom on the trees yesterday, just to make them freeze off and fall to the ground; dead, twisted, and losing hope. That’s showing those over eager campus trees whose boss. It was even better than the time Mark Fox said he planned on “Remaining at Nevada a long time.”, and then bounced out to Georgia less than 40 days later. Nothing makes me smile like false hope.

Look Reno, I know you don’t mean to have schizophrenic weather, you can’t help it. I know you wouldn’t have summer one day and winter the next. But then you probably wouldn’t be the only city over 200,000 people without an Einstein’s Bagels, Urban Outfitters or a Fazoli’s (but an unconscionable amount of 7-11’s and meth labs). But look, these are all things you can’t help and I’m okay with it. That’s what makes you you. You’re a little confused about your size and maybe what season it is, but dammit you go all out for whatever you’re doing and appreciate it. So, although it is mid-April, and the rest of the Northern half of the world agrees its time to stop snowing, go ahead and snow if that’s really what you feel like you should be doing with your life right now.

With Love,
The SpaceSuit

P.S. On the real though, all of this extra snow is keeping me indoors and actually concentrated on homework for at least a little while longer. Plus, the more you keep snowing, the less ski-boarders I’m going to have to deal with at the Break on Thursday.

100 DAYS ‘TIL GRADUATION!

February 4, 2009

Thursday, February 5 marks exactly 100 days until graduation on May 16, 2009.

It’s an exciting time, we know. (Especially if you got out of here in four years).  Now, in honor, celebration and hell, for tradition’s sake, we demand something of our senior class of 2009.

(You bitches that graduate in December DO NOT COUNT).

We call on you, seniors of the University of Nevada, to join us on Thursday night to get rick rolled at the Breakaway as we count down ….

2495922670_107536c9db


100 DAYS ‘TIL GRADUATION!

Visit the facebook event page…

http://www.facebook.com/s.php?k=100000004&id=65572836696&gr=4&a=7&sf=p&sid=85f7cee2e805db8b8a0ef75933c69635&act=2659615769&_ecdc=false&n=-1&o=4&hash=b9e239438e703ec1189db0ca2a09e037&s=50#/event.php?eid=65572836696

Praise Mackay! The Pride of the Sierra Marching Band has been saved… for another year.  All of your hard work paid of guys. Now, work on some of the stuff we talked about earlier(enthusiasm, pride, drunken fun etc.) and you could have a very bright future ahead of you.

GO PACK!

Over 400 students turned out to the capital on Tuesday to protest the budget cuts, announced in Governor Gibbon’s State of the State address.   The area in front of the capitol was packed.  However, one person was missing, our esteemed Governor Gibbons.  Apparently he was hiding in his office.  Now, he claims to care about nothing more than his constituents and the people in the good state of Nevada so what could have been keeping him?  It obviously must have been something good and we have some ideas what it could have been.  Normally this would be a top 10 list, but in honor of everything getting cut we decided to make it a Top 16(also we could only think of 16 things that made us laugh).  So here they are: the Top 16 things Gibbons was doing while he was hiding from the student protestors outside the capital on Tuesday:

Thanks for nothin!


16. Showing everyone how the months of hard work have paid off and he’s FINALLY  learned to Soldja Boy

15. Trying to figure out how to tell people that we’re missing money for higher education because he invested a lot of it with Bernie “sure thing” Madoff.

14. Checking his rankings on Compare People

13. Putting on his Snuggie so he can answer the phone without getting too cold.

12. Actually hiding.  We think maybe he was actually playing a game of hide and seek with his staff and the legislature.  If we had to guess we’d say Bob Beers is “it”.

11. Reading today’s Dilbert comic and shitting himself laughing.

10. Making the Flintstones car out of two eaten push-pops cones

9. Throwing darts at a picture of Jim Rogers.

8 Not implementing a 3% income tax (which is still less than what most other states pay), that would double the money we’re short on the budget.

7. Trying to finally beat “Frosty Village” in silver coin mode on Diddy Kong Racing.

6. Christy Mazzeo (his mistress, get it?)

5. Trying to figure how come whenever he says “that’s what she said.”, no one ever laughs and just looks at him really uncomfortably.

4.. Watching a Chinese boot-legged version of High School Musical 3 and constantly rewinding to the part with Zac Efron and his black friend dancing in the Junk yard.

3.. Looking at Vibe, wishing he could have candy paint on the Governor’s limo

2. Waiting to jump out and say “boo”

1. Crying while he drinks wine and listens to the theme song from cheers

So we are big fans of the FaceBook group “Overheard at Nevada” because it’s funny. We know, everyone says stupid things. Word vomit happens , people.

So, go ahead and post about it http://www.facebook.com/wall.php?id=8050649586&page=2&hash=2843662c85417bd0825599f44b7ff4e6#/group.php?gid=8050649586.

Get out all your anger.

But that’s not our problem. We’d really like to talk about an issue that is plaguing this FaceBook group. It’s called being retarded. The point of this is to be snipey and mean. It’s not your fault they are dumb, however it is your fault for not executing it.

Now, you’ve forced this upon me. I have to talk about you for talking poorly about someone else. This is a vicious world my friends.

Examples of funny:

1.  On the comment board in the DC:

“Can you get soy milk because I’m lactose AND tolerant”

2.    “Hi Dad, I’m just calling to tell you that I’m drunk. I hit a car, and I’m going to jail.”

Spoken very matter-of-factly by a 19 year old girl who had just totaled my roommate’s car on Evans (I’m counting that as campus) at 2:30 am.

3.  Girl Roomate 1: “Are you wearing my letters?”

Girl Roomate 2: “Yeah, you let me borrow them before we stopped talking.”

4. Me: “Have you voted yet in the ASUN election”

Person: “I am not a citizen” or “I am not registered to vote”

5.  “I don’t get why kids are running for President. It’s not like they’re gonna beat Glick or something. He’s like, old.” -Getchell Library

6. Girl #1: I really hope ATO doesn’t lose their charter.

Girl #2: Wait. Why would they lose TV?

Now that you laughed out loud for those little tidbits, we’d like to share with you some don’ts.

WARNING: These are awful. Like, you won’t even as much crack a smile reading these.

1. Women’s studies class, looking at anorexic chick in magazine ad

Professor: “what does she look like? Her pose, what does it say?”
Some answers: “she’s looks submissive.” “she looks tired.” etc
Me: “She looks hungry.”

First of all, the number one rule of posting is not talking about yourself. Especially if you aren’t funny.

2. White girl to friend in Hilliard Plaza: “Dude, I’m so Mexican I have gas when I *don’t* eat beans.”

Racial jokes… pretty racy and debatably offensive. But more importantly, not funny.

3. Two girls on treadmills at Lombardi:

1: “So does it take up a lot of your time, shopping for baby food?”
2: “Umm, it’s just one of those things you hafta do, I guess…”

I wouldn’t say childbirth in college is funny… more so mortifying.

4. Three girls at unr in the quiet study area in the library

girl 1:- Small world! me and _____ were just talking about prom the other night!
girl 2:- Yeah, we were saying that we used to hate getting our of our dresses and putting on sweats or jeans for the after party because it pretty much means the night’s over.
girl 3:- ………. What about SEX?

i just about DIED laughing

It’s not UNR, it’s NEVADA, so it’s automatically not funny. Additionally, self proclaiming your post as hilarious, not funny.

5. One girl to her friend in front of student services building

“don’t worry, it’s reno. who needs a bra anyway?”

Hey, that’s just a fact of life, sister.

So that my friends, is how it is done. There are a lot of people on this campus

(and half of them are here because they got that millennium scholarship for a 3.0 in the 49th ranked state in education in the country)

so there is plenty of material to work with.

This article is for some of our basketball players who were recently caught in a little incident at Scheels. For those of you who haven’t heard, some of our fine young gentlemen were recently charged with petty larceny for taking some sporting equipment and have been suspended indefinitely. Now needless to say we here at the Nevada SpaceSuit are troubled by this. To do our part to make sure it never happens again, we present you this:

 
The Nevada SpaceSuit’s guide to Stealin’ Mo’ Betta.

First we’ll give you a list of things before you go a-stealin’:

1. Check and see if you’re a member of an organization that has an endorsement deal with the world’s largest international sporting goods company (like, oh say Nike). If so, you can probably get whatever you need for free. But y’know, maybe you want a canoe or something like that, well if that’s the case then you really pretty much gotsta steal right? Right.
2. So the next thing you’re gonna want to do is case the joint. If it seems like it just opened three days prior, and probably has a state-of-the-art security system, put it on your “maybe – no” list. Walk around, see if there’s a bunch of old, slower looking employees (like the special workers program they’ve got going on down at BIG 5).

3. Thinking of everything you saw, make a list of the things that you want the most. You’re not going to be able to take everything, and you don’t want to risk going in a second time. Remember, this is only one store, there are millions of stores to steal from in the world, don’t blow your load here.

4. Before you actually go to make the score, sew some pockets inside your jeans. Chances are you’re jeans are a little baggy anyway, and, if you’re as tall as your average basketball player, they’re pretty long too. This should give you a considerable storage capacity when you’re loading up on baseball gloves and Cowboy’s Jerseys.

5. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, I’m a 6’8” black guy. You know where no one will notice me? Reno, Nevada.” Now no one wishes this was true more than us, but the unfortunate truth is that in this po-dunk town, you stick out like a sore thumb. You’re probably going to want to invest in some sort of disguise. For best results, wait in the parking lot for an employee to come out for a smoke break. Smack them on their head like you’re trying to send a layup back to the second row, tie them up, and take their shirt and/or hat. (Note: Because you are massively tall, you may want to bring some fabric, needle, and yarn so you can alter their shirt to fit your insane giant’s body). Once inside (and in costume) follow this simple list of instructions. If you follow these to the letter, we totally promise you will not get caught.

Alright, now here’s the steps for the actual heist:

1. Everyone has probably seen your face in an interview. Don’t try to hide it by looking down because everyone is shorter than you and will see your face. Don’t try to hide it by looking up because that’s where the cameras are. Your best bet is to pull your newly acquired hat down way over your face.

2. Slyly grab everything you’re going to want from this particular store. Only take as much as will fit in your pants. Now I know you’re going to want to take a whole bunch, but remember your pants are only so big. It helps to remind yourself that you could either leave the store with most of the things you wanted or none of the things and a misdemeanor. Your call.

3. Look to your left and right, did anybody see you? What about the creeper in the corner?

4. If you feel someone is watching you, this is when you signal one of your accomplices to come ask the sales associate who is watching you where the hunting vests are. Everyone needs to know about hunting vests, it’s Reno.

5. If someone asks you to stop, this is where you just have to punch him out and make a run for it. I know its messy, but sometimes in order to benefit from your sweet air-forces, you’ve just gotta slap a bitch.

6. Cooly walk out of the building and go to your car. For insurance, put some of the stolen merch on the guy you knocked out, this will make his accusations seem less likely.

7. Don’t go back in the store to get more stuff. This is how you got caught the first time, settle down and get the rest of the stuff you need at Sport’s Authority, the one in Meadowood Mall has literally no system of security at all.

1. Always greet/thank the shuttle drivers profusely. Once just isn’t enough apparently.

2. Press the handicap button on the side door of the Frandsen Building to allow easy entry for your fellow students. That mother is heavy.

3. Keep your Facebook status always updated. It’s offensive to the rest of us if we don’t know where you are, what/who you are doing and your innermost thoughts transposed through shitty song lyrics.

4. Wish the athletes good luck on game day. Granted, the football and basketball players will look monumentally confused and offended, but the Rugby guys will probably buy you a drink. Or twelve.

5. Thank Tahoe Creamery for custom naming their ice cream flavors in honor of the Nevada campus. That’s right, you can enjoy The Joe, Mackay Mint and Wolf Pack Tracks all within the convenient means of campus. 

6. Pay Homage to John Mackay during finals. Ask him for good luck. Without this guy, we’d be just like San Jose State. Ewe.

7. When at the Wal, always buy a round of shots for you and 10 of your closest friends. We know, they raised it to a pricey $1.50 each, but if some people can buy friendship [g], everyone else can too.

8. Pick up your fuckin tickets to athletic games and fill up the student section. They aren’t just “get out of jail free” qdoba cards, you ungrateful sons of bitches.

9. Creepbook while only at home. I’m pretty sure the people at @one don’t want to know “who you’d rather get stuck in handcuffs with.”

10. When casually observing the divers at Lombardi, mind how long you watch. There’s a fine line between admiring the form of a few back flips and conspiracy to commit statutory rape.