So, every blog and their mother has done a piece in the last week about why Americans don’t like the World Cup, or why we should, or how we’re dumb for not getting it, or why it’s arrogant that we expect to win things that we don’t even try at/understand and blah blah blah, pass the baguettes, find your height in meters and socialize beaches.  Whatever.  Look, we don’t get soccer, if we did it would be on channels where the announcers are speaking in English more than just a few weeks every four years.  And nothing the rest of the world can say (in whatever bizarre gibberish they use as their language) is going to change our minds.  This is because they fail to understand that there is really only one proven way to make Americans watch something boring. Make it a drinking game.  Think about it, what’s the only way you can get through graduations, weddings, bar mitzvahs, catholic mass, or driving?  By drinking the whole time!

The only soccer game America has ever got behind

So, here for your World Cup enjoyment and to make you seem more worldly at fancy cocktail parties with douchey guys named Caleb who actually like this sort of thing, the Nevada Space Suit presents:

GOOOOOOAAAALLLL!!!!!:

THE DRINKING GAME TO MAKE THE WORLD CUP WATCHABLE

  • For every game attempt to speak in the accents of the country that you are cheering for.  Unless America is playing because that’s boring, instead speak in the accent of the opponent (and please feel free to make as many derogatory, stereotypical generalizations about that country and its people as you can).  Whenever someone slips out of this accent they drink.
  • Drink every time there’s a penalty you don’t understand.
  • Anytime there are more than 4 goals in a game, shoot some heroin. Don’t worry, this will never happen.
  • Drink every time you start feeling bad that, to most of the world, this is the awesome kind of football.
  • Every time the British announcer says an English word that apparently means something else in American . These include: pitch/field, kit/uniform, world’s game/stupid game you play when you’re 7.
  • Every time you think about how much better we would be if our good athletes played this sport. Don’t kid yourself Slovenia, the rape Lebron and Larry Fitzgerald would put on you would be a dry, dry anal rape.
  • Chug every time you actually understand the foul that’s been called Again, these will be few and far in between.
  • Every time you or someone watching the “match” stubs their toe or bumps their knee, drop to the ground and roll around holding your face. Just like the pros!  If you forget to fake an injury like this you have to drink, but you also become the most honest soccer player in the world.

    Being carried to the hospital after skinning his knee in the 58th minute

  • At the end of the game stand up and trade shirts with your friend.  In the twisted, fetishy world of soccer this is normal somehow.
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November Horoscopes

November 11, 2008

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 18):

If you’re trying to make somebody laugh just go with the first thing you think of. Your complicated jokes go way over our heads. Some people find mumbling funny, just not most.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Personally, if I had to be named after a popular mid-size sedan from the 90’s, I would have gone with Neon. But to each his own I guess.

 

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

You are not only going to get A’s on your test this week, but you’ll probably make-out with whoever you want if you hit The Break on Thursday. Well done.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Your birthday always fell during summer break. I bet you got to go to water parks didn’t you? Could all your friends come over cuz there was no school? Well, our birthdays are in the dark of winter’s bitter heart. Fuck you.

But seriously. We’re happy for you.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22):

Stop changing your Goddamn Facebook status every eight seconds. I don’t care how excited you are that Grey’s Anatomy is on tonight (although in fairness I too am a bit taken by McArmy).

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22):

FYI. You should probably drink more milk, your bones creak when you walk.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22):

So what you didn’t get a scholarship to play football in college? I personally love it when you regale me with stories of you playing outside linebacker 2 years ago and how you totally would have made it if the system or your coach wouldn’t have screwed you. Also rocking under armor and downing protein shakes is totally acceptable. Haha, Douche.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):

We’re not doing Scorpio this month. Actually we’ll probably never do you. To be frank we’re a little put-off by your whole deal.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):

Stop, drop, and roll. You can never be too careful with fire safety.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20):

Dude don’t even worry, the pull-out method is like 99% effective. I’m sure your fine.


Pisces (February 19-March 20):

We hear you guys have troubling socializing. Unfortunately, you’ll never get rid of that big “L” on your forehead. Loser.


Aries (March 21-April 19):

Really, I don’t have time for this, but we’ll do it anyway. Well, your future looks bright, like a candle. Woops, just blew that out. Maybe tomorrow will be better.