The Perks of Being Persian

The Greeks. No not the ones with gods and goddesses who just opened up that nice feta cheese restaurant in the union, we’re talking about the ones with no gods who just opened up a 40 in the union. However, as tooly/douchey as some of them are, you have to admire their camaraderie and the way they all have their own little groups with their own little labels and activities. Also apparently they have families (either that or those sadistic bastards just make fun of all the fat ones by calling them “big”).
But we know more than most that from time to time, everyone feels a little bit of Greek envy. Like when you’re best friends are out of town and you want to go out? Greeks can just grab whoever is around and chalk it up to bonding. Or maybe you’re slogging through some hellish poly-sci paper and you know that son of a gun who sits behind you in Sigma Nu is just going to pull their report out of some filing cabinet, change the first paragraph, and have themselves a night of Street Fighter 4. We’ve all been there. But you know what? Greeks get jealous of you too.

You know why? Because you’re Persian. That’s right Persian.

You aren’t Greek, and so Peloponnesian logic says you must be Persian. Don’t worry about the fact that you have more body hair and it looks like you lose at the end of “300”. You’ve got stuff to be proud of. Stuff, that is listed below:
The perks of being Persian:

1. Our Monday nights are always free.
2. There’s no need to pretend you like Kappa Alpha Theta just because they are your partners during Greek Week. Feel free to dislike them as much as you please.
3. No anal rape. Ever.
4. I can have my chicken cooked however I like. (Well done usually).
5. Do I do any charity? Fuck no. However I would like to bust a watermelon every so often.
6. I’ve never moved into a house that wasn’t mine.
7. Way easier to slide under the radar when totally shit faced at games (Greek letters are a red flag at this school).
8. Never have to talk to Turtle Massey. Oh wait neither do you. High five!
9. As a man I’m free to grow my facial hair in any manner I please. Not just the chin goatee chops combo.
10. All of your friends are free.
11. If there’s a douche bag who no one likes, you don’t have to hang out with them.
12. I don’t have to put out at a dance. As a man I have the right to say no (I wouldn’t but y’know, I could).