Today is an important day for rednecks, republicans, and white males over the age of 45 because it’s opening day  for Major League Baseball.  Yes baseball, the most boring sport this side of soccer.  A sport where fat dudes can be dominant and someone running 90 feet is considered a thrilling play.  A sport that was exciting in 1890 before anyone had TV, videogames, basketball, football, or porn that wasn’t crude drawings in a flipbook.  You know what else was a popular past time back then? Listening to solo trumpet concerts on your gramophone?  You see anyone doing that anymore?  Not tons.

"a pretty sexy party in 1900" - That's exactly what I typed into google

We at the NSS aren’t really sure why we still watch baseball anymore.  Or why a whole sect of this country pisses their pants with excitement about the start of a whole summer of 100 year old teams playing each other in 2-1 games and every top play on Sportscenter being a guy who is kind of falling down while he catches a pop fly. Baseball has only been fun three times: the movie where that kids falls down and can suddenly throw 100 miles an hour while Nick Nolte mentors him and rails his mom, the movie where Charlie Sheen and Wesley Snipes rail everybody in Cleveland, and then also real baseball, but when everyone was on steroids.   So until baseball comes to its senses and not only legalizes ‘roids, but makes them mandatory, enjoy this:

Our list of things that will be more exciting to watch than today’s baseball games:

1.       Watching paint dry

2.       Watching paint after it has already dried

3.       Watching that paint slowly chip away over a period of a few years

4.       Reading an entire list of paint-based jokes.

5.       The class you’re sitting in right now

6.       Football games if they really stop selling alcohol at them.

7.       Abstinence

8.       Losing my front row of teeth in my battle against bulimia

9.       Running at the gym when your headphones are broke and you can’t listen to your iPod or watch the little TV’s they have there.  Seriously, I bet I’ve gained a net of 9 pounds over the last 5 years just because I don’t want to run when I forget my headphones.   Without them what’s supposed to distract me from how awful climbing up 1000’s of stairs and staying in the same place is?

10.   The parts of the Jersey Shore that are dedicated to Ronni and Sammi fighting.  We get it, you two are in a horrible relationship and Ronni is a modern day Bobby Brown but without the awesome dance moves and fly-ass Gumby haircut.  Now breakup for the 90th time so we can get back to Vinny and Pauly D searching for new forms of V.D. on the boardwalk.

Maybe he hits his wife, but he also sang humpin' around, that's a wash in our book

11.   Pretending to give a shit about what’s going on on “Sister Wives” because it makes your girlfriend happy.

12.   Listening to my roommate’s attack me about how awesome baseball is after I post this blog.  If I’m lucky they’ll go over their in-depth plan for minor league realignment again (yes they have one, it’s written down and I’ve read it). Also hopefully one of them will make an impassioned plea about the designated hitter and how it ruins baseball, all while pretending that they aren’t both in their 20’s don’t remember a damn thing about baseball before there was a DH.

13.   Killing someone with kindness.

14.   Waiting in line at midnight for the next twilight movie.

15.   Actually being in the next Twilight movie once it starts (way more entertaining, you know why?  Because I’ve been taken to everyone of these damn movies and now I want to see who that mopey broad chooses.  Full disclosure: I’m hoping for Edward).

16.   Watching an episode of any comedy show made before 1970.  Believe me, the only thing that is ever funny about TV shows that old is how casually racist everybody is.

17.   Rocky I.  I know that’s near blasphemous, but hear me out.  That first Rocky movie is basically the story of a retarded guy trying to bang a recluse who works in a pet store while her brother struggle with alcoholism.  There’s one sweet fight and training montage stuck in at the end that made people like that movie.  It wasn’t until Rocky III where Stallone started taking steroids, fought Hulk Hogan AND Mr. T and had a gay vacation with Carl Wethers that those movies really got awesome.

Now we're talking!

18.   Women’s college basketball.  Sorry ladies, it just isn’t basketball without dunking or neck tattoos.

19.   Avatar when it’s not in 3-D

20.  Getting hit in the head with a foul ball. And dying.

If any of you have been to any Nevada football games this year, you probably noticed two things.  One, at $7.50/beer the university is basically asking you to sneak in a flask.  And Two, Colin Kaepernick is a man among boys out there.  He truly is becoming a Wolf Pack legend.  But did you know oh unlearned one, that there is much more to young Colin than his dominance at the pigskin?  Read on dear friend, as the Nevada SpaceSuit educates you on the subject of #10, with part two of out Kaep facts.

  1. You can get pregnant just by reading about him.  Raise the child to be a masculine child.
  2. Would throw touchdowns to himself if it was allowed.
  3. When he was a kid, his dad didn’t take him fishing, they went lion-ing.  And yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like.  They killed lions.
  4. He is going to win the Heisman.
  5. Kaep, not Michael Jordan, was actually Bugs Bunny’s first choice to help defeat the Mon-Stars in “Space Jam”.
  6. He’s an unlockable character on Mortal Kombat 2.
  7. He doesn’t know it yet, but we’re getting married.
  8. The Warren G. and Nate Dogg hit “Regulators” is actually a detailed account of Kaep’s first day of fourth grade.
  9. The original design for Optimus Prime called for him to transform into not a truck, but into Colin Kaepernick.
  10. He cannot tell a lie.
  11. The military doesn’t actually have smart homing missile technology.  It just seems that way because they have Kaep throwing all their bombs.
  12. He knows every secret handshake.
  13. The man doesn’t even drive to school.  It’s faster when he sprints.
  14. He didn’t ever have to use a slammer in pogs.  He smacked those little novelty disc-shaped bitches with his mind.
  15. If Kaep were Harry Potter, he totally would’ve been getting it on with Hermione since at least the third movie.  Although there wouldn’t have been a third movie because Kaep would’ve just killed Voldemort when he was like six or seven.
  16. Just looking at Kaepernick is what turned Lindsay Lohan straight again.
  17. He was in the first draft of “The Expendables”, but had to be written out when he made everyone else appear too effeminate.
  18. He also invented iPod nano’s by squishing his first iPod between his pecs.
  19. He possesses a real ocarina of time.  And a bad-ass double sided light saber.  And a Delorean that travels through time.
  20. He’s just unbelievable at “Words With Friends”.
  21. He could kick Kellen Moore’s ass.

    This joker? Kaep could do it one handed

  22. If he were blue he would look surprisingly like an Avatar.
  23. He would be the best player on the Nevada baseball team.  If any one gave a shit about baseball anyway.
  24. He has more real friends than you have Facebook friends.
  25. He is probably a member of the Men In Black.  Remember that.  Just in case we ever face to face and make contact.
  26. Based on his arm strength and lithe build we’re just going to go ahead and assume he killed everyone at “butt’s up” in elementary school.

Dear Western Athletic Conference,


Wow, it’s so weird writing your full name like that.  I haven’t called you anything but Westy for the last however many years.  Wow, this is awkward, but I feel like we’ve been growing apart these last two years.  I don’t know if you’ve been getting that vibe too but if not I guess I wouldn’t be too surprised.  I feel like you’re just like, going one way and I’m going the other.  We’re like Kate and Sawyer, oh wait, you wouldn’t get that reference because you wouldn’t watch Lost with me.  You wanted to destroy my soul and speed up the apocalypse by making me watch the f&@$%ing Bad Girls Club with you on Tuesdays.  Why do I have to watch it with you?  I’ll just be in the other room and can come right over if, God forbid, there’s a really scary looking moth or something that I have to kill.  You watch what you want to watch, I’ll watch what I want to watch and we’ll meet at 11 to catch the Daily Show.  It’s the same when you make me hang out and watch Reba with you.  Newsflash, watching Reba marathons on the CW with you is my least favorite activity in the world and I’m 60% sure Reba is either the Anti-Christ or his herald.

Anyway we’re getting off topic here.  What I’m trying to say is it’s not you, it’s me. We’ve been growing apart and I’ve met someone else, their name is Mountain West Conference (MWC) or as I call them… Mounty <3. You planned to take us to cool, exotic places, Mounty actually does it. Now, every other year we’re going to be going to Las Vegas and San Diego.  You know, the places you always said we’d go before you ended up taking us back to Shitville, USA Moscow, Idaho for the 10th year in a row?  It’s just more exciting with Mounty. Call me old fashioned but you really can’t take someone to bowls in Boise that are sponsored by companies no one has ever heard of (how many MPC laptops have you seen popping up around campus?) and expect it to be exciting every time.  Not when the prospect of BCS bowls are right around the corner.


You never wanted to show me off.  I put together really good games to look nice for you.  Remember last year when I scored 70 points on San Jose State?  It was a great game, full of highlights, that I worked my ass off on.  And what recognition did I get?  A five second blurb 58 minutes into the midnight Sports Center?  What is that?  If Utah would have done that last year they would’ve got a full clips package in the first ten minutes with Lou Holtz creaming his pants halfway through and rambling on about how we remind him of his Jonny Unitas and the ‘59 Colts.  I want… no.. I DESERVE that kind of attention!  I try so hard to look good for you and you just don’t even care.

And I really hate your bitchy loser friends.  Half of perception is association.  And the conferences you’re most often compared with are losers like the Big West, Mississippi Valley Conference, and the West Coast Conference.  I cannot come back to the apartment again to find you, the WCC, and that  D-Bag Stevie Yanks stoned, eating dirty nachos off of our 2005 championship banner, and playing NCAA Football on the X-Box and not even playing as me!  Even when I’m in the room!  It’s like you don’t even care!  You want to play with Florida?  Is that what you want?  For me to be one of those slutty schools that pays it players and artificially inflates their grades so they can stay eligible?!? Well news flash Wack-o, Florida is a whore, but it’s a high-class whore who wouldn’t even look at you twice (and don’t pretend you only oogle them when you’re “playing with the fellas”, you know what pops up on your google search bar every time I’m looking for Flo-Rida videos?  “Florida/Alabama double penetration/steam cup”.  First off I’m mortified at what a “steam cup” could possibly be, but secondly at least respect me enough to delete your history! It’s not that hard!). But I digress.

You’re not the hot conference I first got together with.  Remember how hot you were when I first met you at that party?  I was with that loser Big West (although at least they were sweet and I won every year). I mean when I first got here and you, Westy, were supposed to be the up and coming “super conference”… and that was exciting.  But you let yourself go.  All these teams started leaving to go to Conference USA and yes, to Mounty, and you just didn’t care. I thought I was special. We got together because we were two attractive entities who cared about what they looked like and being something people would want.  Well a decade of letting the BYU’s of the world go and instead making Utah State a big part of your diet has taken its toll.  You look like shit.  Seriously, try fitting into the jeans I bought you from the Albuquerque Banana Republic when you got us to the Meth Bowl New Mexico Bowl in 2007, I bet you can’t even get your cottage cheese thighs 2 inches pass the waist.

Also, you're way fatter than you were in Dodge Ball

I was really hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but it has. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m better than you and I’m sorry I’m going to DO SOMETHING with my life. Actually you know what?  I take back what said in the beginning, I think the problem is you.


In the words of Alfalfa, “I hate your stinkin’ guts Darla”

-Nevada

P.S. I’m gonna need my Fraggle Rock sweat shirt back, and make sure you get all those Mac & Cheese stains out of it first.

You may have heard that Boise State has officially left the WAC.  After next year they will officially become part of the Mountain West Athletic Conference or MWAC (see it’s like WAC except with an extra M on the front, so you know its better).  You might be a little confused by all this, how should you feel?  Happy?  Sad?  A little constipated?  Well fear not intrepid reader, because in the following column the Nevada Space Suit will break down the pros and cons of the BS University and their decision to leave the WAC.

1. We can be King of the WAC

Pro: Not everybody gets this chance, I mean look at The Ohio State. They’ll definitely be National Champions, but WAC champs? No way. They’re so totes jeal.

Con: Being king of the WAC without Boise is like being the smart kid on the short bus.

2. Having one of the most epic games of the season on Thanksgiving weekend was just a pain in the ass

Pro: We no longer have to juggle football and family. For some reason your mom just didn’t understand why “that damn football game” was so important and why you wouldn’t come home to see her. Ya, we’re saying you’re mom is dumb.

Con: Now you’ll have to talk to her.

3. So long, smurf turf.

Pro: I’m pretty sure the paint on it was lead based, which may be why all the Broncos always had those glossy dead eyes and the cheerleaders had that angry caveman look.

Con: I’ll have less occasion to say the word smurf next year, leaving me that much more dead inside.

4. We don’t have to deal with Boise and their disturbingly large pack of traveling fans.

Pro: This suggests that there may not in fact be too much to do in Boise on the weekend. (Or ever). But now we won’t ever have to walk into a packed Mackay Stadium that has more fans cheering for the away team than cheering for the Pack.

Con: We’ll also never get to walk into a packed Mackay Stadium again.

5. We won’t have two rivals anymore

Pro: We can finally put all of our hatred filled energy where it rightfully belongs: slurred drunken put downs solely aimed at those failures at UNLV, who will one day bag my groceries.

Con: There’s a very real danger that Fresno will now become our biggest rival.  We have officially dropped from middle class to white trash.  In dorm terms we’re moving from Nye to Juniper.  Yeah, maybe now you get how serious this is.


Now that we’ve had a good laugh,  I think it might be possible that some of you out there still don’t quite comprehend what this does to Nevada football.  The WAC was like That 70’s Show.  Okay, it wasn’t a huge deal American Idol or 24, but people still knew who we were and thought we were pretty swell guys.

In this analogy the university is Fez, popular, but not Kutcher.  Boise State leaving is like when Eric and Kelso got too big for the show and left in season seven.  UNR, like Fez gets more storylines and is now the main character on the show.  The only problem is no one effing cares about that show anymore.  Let’s be frank, finally scoring with Jackie (winning the WAC title), isn’t quite as impressive when there are only 2 dudes on the show (that being said I would give my left arm to hook up with Jackie Burkhart).

So, every blog and their mother has done a piece in the last week about why Americans don’t like the World Cup, or why we should, or how we’re dumb for not getting it, or why it’s arrogant that we expect to win things that we don’t even try at/understand and blah blah blah, pass the baguettes, find your height in meters and socialize beaches.  Whatever.  Look, we don’t get soccer, if we did it would be on channels where the announcers are speaking in English more than just a few weeks every four years.  And nothing the rest of the world can say (in whatever bizarre gibberish they use as their language) is going to change our minds.  This is because they fail to understand that there is really only one proven way to make Americans watch something boring. Make it a drinking game.  Think about it, what’s the only way you can get through graduations, weddings, bar mitzvahs, catholic mass, or driving?  By drinking the whole time!

The only soccer game America has ever got behind

So, here for your World Cup enjoyment and to make you seem more worldly at fancy cocktail parties with douchey guys named Caleb who actually like this sort of thing, the Nevada Space Suit presents:

GOOOOOOAAAALLLL!!!!!:

THE DRINKING GAME TO MAKE THE WORLD CUP WATCHABLE

  • For every game attempt to speak in the accents of the country that you are cheering for.  Unless America is playing because that’s boring, instead speak in the accent of the opponent (and please feel free to make as many derogatory, stereotypical generalizations about that country and its people as you can).  Whenever someone slips out of this accent they drink.
  • Drink every time there’s a penalty you don’t understand.
  • Anytime there are more than 4 goals in a game, shoot some heroin. Don’t worry, this will never happen.
  • Drink every time you start feeling bad that, to most of the world, this is the awesome kind of football.
  • Every time the British announcer says an English word that apparently means something else in American . These include: pitch/field, kit/uniform, world’s game/stupid game you play when you’re 7.
  • Every time you think about how much better we would be if our good athletes played this sport. Don’t kid yourself Slovenia, the rape Lebron and Larry Fitzgerald would put on you would be a dry, dry anal rape.
  • Chug every time you actually understand the foul that’s been called Again, these will be few and far in between.
  • Every time you or someone watching the “match” stubs their toe or bumps their knee, drop to the ground and roll around holding your face. Just like the pros!  If you forget to fake an injury like this you have to drink, but you also become the most honest soccer player in the world.

    Being carried to the hospital after skinning his knee in the 58th minute

  • At the end of the game stand up and trade shirts with your friend.  In the twisted, fetishy world of soccer this is normal somehow.