Look times are tough out there.  And as college students who either rely on entry level jobs at Port O’ Subs or your parents, you probably don’t have a lot of discretionary scrilla either.  No sir these are not times of stunna shades and midgets hangin from yo necklace.  However, that does not mean you should stop sippin on gin and juice; rather, you just need to learn to make the most out of the gin and juice on which you are sipping.

This friends, is our manifesto:

1. Pre game.  Everything.

2. Be a hot girl who’s not afraid to talk to a creepy older gentlemen for 10-20 minutes.

PS. You could also try this with a younger man but we feel worse about young World of War Craft virgins getting their hopes up and the getting shot down then we do about guys with kids.  Ladies have a heart, if you use a lonely nerd to buy you drinks all night, be a dear and give him a handy in the alley behind the bar.  I can guarantee you he won’t last long enough for you to finish the drink he bought you on the way out.  We’re not asking you to sleep with them or even get in their car (or on the back of their Luck Dragon), we live in a capitalist society here people, not everything can be free).

PPS. This is especially true if you’re not that hot.  5’s and 6’s shouldn’t be all high and mighty and automatically shoot down 3’s and 4’s who’ve bought them drinks all night.

PPPS. Those last two parts were really just wishful thinking.  You can totally use guys for free drinks if you have both of your boobs and a pulse.

3. Don’t be afraid to add a little volume to your home made cocktails with some cough syrup.  Mike Jones and Paul Wall sip the syzurp all the time and they turned out just fine.

4. Give blood that morning so it hits you harder.

5. Better yet, sell your blood at Biomat and the use the money to double all your cocktails at the break.  That’s double the booze with only 3/4’s the blood.  This my friends is what they’re talking about when they teach optimization in all your business classes.

6. But maybe you only have a few beers or shots at your disposal and you’re in a time crunch.  This is where you have to get creative.  Pound everything you have as fast as you can.  Count to 30 and then turn your head upside down so all the blood rushes to your head.  Hold it there until the room starts spinning and then come back up.  This won’t get you all the way there and it won’t last long, but it will hold over if you’re starting to come down at a basketball game with 5 minutes left and they cut of alcohol sales at halftime.

Speaking of which…

7. Don’t ever buy more than two beers at a basketball game.  Get one when you walk in and one right before half time.  Anything other than that and you’re being taken for a ride.  You might as well be importing your beer from Japan in hand painted glass bottles for those prices.

8. Always remember that smoking a cigarette will take you up at least 2 levels on the drunkeness scale for 15-20 minutes.  You can always bum these from people if you ask really nicely and pretend you just moved here from Michigan to strike up a conversation (well, that’s what I do).

9. Sneak a flask into the game.  They will pat you down but they can’t pat over your crotch so hide it there. And if they do, just tell them you’re happy to see them.  Now I know what you’re thinking, “Hey Spacey, won’t that be cold on my pene/hoo-ha?” Not if you wear another pair of underwear underneath.  I know right? Why didn’t you think of that before?

David Bowie demonstrates our flask in the groin technique

10.  When you’re in a meeting with a professor wait until they look away and then look between their desk and the wall.  80 percent chance there’s either half a bottle of Jack or last year’s midterm back there.  Either way you win.

11. Get on the Beer Pong table and stay there.

12. Even if you don’t have any money still go out with your friends.  Eventually one of them will be a little tipsy and just start buying you stuff.

13. Two words: Sugar Mama

14. Wear a bunch of sweaters and sit by the heater when you drink.  The heat will make it hit you more.  If you have access to a greenhouse this will be even sweeter.

15. Notice we haven’t told you to be one of those douches who shows up to a party with six of his boys chain smoking in hoodies asking “Where’s the beer at?”  That’s because don’t be that guy.  You’re better than that.  Rule of thumb always bring at least something to a party.  Even if its just half a Redbull, no one likes the guy who shows up and grabs eight beers before talking to anyone.  We’re only here to teach people.

16. Of course you and we both know that the cheapest way to get housed is actually doing it at your house.  As long as you have a sober driver to wherever you’re going we totes recommend this (also if you’re within roller blading distance and there aren’t any steep hills).

Here is the best cheap stuff in the Reno when you’re gaming it at home.  Keep in mind that any way you can incorporate Street Fighter 4 into the mix is only gonna make this better.

a. Whatever your roommate has in the fridge.

b. Cheap Gordon’s vodka and orange gatorade.  I swear its great.

c. Robitussin and Splenda.

d. Apple juice you left in your window in the sun that has hopefully fermented into moonshine.

e. When you’re low on milk and vodka combine them into the same container.  You will have white russians ready to go and your milk will last longer because of the alcohol.  Your Count Chocula will taste like the Devil’s chode though.

f. Whatever’s in that bottle that’s been on top of your fridge from that party you had 7 months ago.  Remember we’re not going for taste here.

17. Go down to Lucky Liquor Mart #2 on Wells by Juicy’s.  They have 12 packs of 32 oz Natty Light for $15.  It’s like legal stealing.

On a serious note the Nevada SpaceSuit wants you to know that we in no way endorse drunk driving.  It’s good to have fun, but it’s not good to have the kind of fun that ends you in a drunk tank or in a life time filled with guilt.  Also, the thing you see in the back of cabs or walking home a little saucy are wondorous and always unique, like Ferngully.

Advertisements