Today is an important day for rednecks, republicans, and white males over the age of 45 because it’s opening day  for Major League Baseball.  Yes baseball, the most boring sport this side of soccer.  A sport where fat dudes can be dominant and someone running 90 feet is considered a thrilling play.  A sport that was exciting in 1890 before anyone had TV, videogames, basketball, football, or porn that wasn’t crude drawings in a flipbook.  You know what else was a popular past time back then? Listening to solo trumpet concerts on your gramophone?  You see anyone doing that anymore?  Not tons.

"a pretty sexy party in 1900" - That's exactly what I typed into google

We at the NSS aren’t really sure why we still watch baseball anymore.  Or why a whole sect of this country pisses their pants with excitement about the start of a whole summer of 100 year old teams playing each other in 2-1 games and every top play on Sportscenter being a guy who is kind of falling down while he catches a pop fly. Baseball has only been fun three times: the movie where that kids falls down and can suddenly throw 100 miles an hour while Nick Nolte mentors him and rails his mom, the movie where Charlie Sheen and Wesley Snipes rail everybody in Cleveland, and then also real baseball, but when everyone was on steroids.   So until baseball comes to its senses and not only legalizes ‘roids, but makes them mandatory, enjoy this:

Our list of things that will be more exciting to watch than today’s baseball games:

1.       Watching paint dry

2.       Watching paint after it has already dried

3.       Watching that paint slowly chip away over a period of a few years

4.       Reading an entire list of paint-based jokes.

5.       The class you’re sitting in right now

6.       Football games if they really stop selling alcohol at them.

7.       Abstinence

8.       Losing my front row of teeth in my battle against bulimia

9.       Running at the gym when your headphones are broke and you can’t listen to your iPod or watch the little TV’s they have there.  Seriously, I bet I’ve gained a net of 9 pounds over the last 5 years just because I don’t want to run when I forget my headphones.   Without them what’s supposed to distract me from how awful climbing up 1000’s of stairs and staying in the same place is?

10.   The parts of the Jersey Shore that are dedicated to Ronni and Sammi fighting.  We get it, you two are in a horrible relationship and Ronni is a modern day Bobby Brown but without the awesome dance moves and fly-ass Gumby haircut.  Now breakup for the 90th time so we can get back to Vinny and Pauly D searching for new forms of V.D. on the boardwalk.

Maybe he hits his wife, but he also sang humpin' around, that's a wash in our book

11.   Pretending to give a shit about what’s going on on “Sister Wives” because it makes your girlfriend happy.

12.   Listening to my roommate’s attack me about how awesome baseball is after I post this blog.  If I’m lucky they’ll go over their in-depth plan for minor league realignment again (yes they have one, it’s written down and I’ve read it). Also hopefully one of them will make an impassioned plea about the designated hitter and how it ruins baseball, all while pretending that they aren’t both in their 20’s don’t remember a damn thing about baseball before there was a DH.

13.   Killing someone with kindness.

14.   Waiting in line at midnight for the next twilight movie.

15.   Actually being in the next Twilight movie once it starts (way more entertaining, you know why?  Because I’ve been taken to everyone of these damn movies and now I want to see who that mopey broad chooses.  Full disclosure: I’m hoping for Edward).

16.   Watching an episode of any comedy show made before 1970.  Believe me, the only thing that is ever funny about TV shows that old is how casually racist everybody is.

17.   Rocky I.  I know that’s near blasphemous, but hear me out.  That first Rocky movie is basically the story of a retarded guy trying to bang a recluse who works in a pet store while her brother struggle with alcoholism.  There’s one sweet fight and training montage stuck in at the end that made people like that movie.  It wasn’t until Rocky III where Stallone started taking steroids, fought Hulk Hogan AND Mr. T and had a gay vacation with Carl Wethers that those movies really got awesome.

Now we're talking!

18.   Women’s college basketball.  Sorry ladies, it just isn’t basketball without dunking or neck tattoos.

19.   Avatar when it’s not in 3-D

20.  Getting hit in the head with a foul ball. And dying.

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So I find myself sitting in the Joe on this fine Thursday afternoon getting my stuff ready for my group meeting tonight at 5:00 (yes I’m having a group meeting during the evening of St. Patrick’s Day, apparently they don’t have this holiday in Russia so my partner isn’t too concerned about it.  Man I’m glad we won the Cold War).  Anyway as I’m sitting here I’m noticing that to my left there are two people, a boy and a girl, just living it up Narnia style in a game of World of Warcraft.  To my right there is a guy who is just as, if not more, sucked into his Facebook screen.  It strikes me that both of these groups are wasting an afternoon being distracted from their homework by computer applications, yet what one of them is doing is 1000% more socially acceptable.  But I’m not sure that’s true, in fact here’s a whole Top 10 list of reasons that might not be:

1. I know that the argument would be, “well at least people on facebook are talking to their friends” but so are the Warcraft people, in fact not only are they talking, but they’re planning complex raids with their friends.  I would argue that the Warcraft thing is more intimate; we know that going through trying experience brings people closer together, that seems like much more of a friend-builder than the low level stalking involved in liking half the pictures in someone’s “Drunk-Daze” Album.
2. You can actually w n in Warcraft, with FB you just run out of stuff to check.  How many days do you walk away from a 3 hour FB sesh thinking “well there’s something accomplished, put that one on the CV”?  In Warcraft you can probably kill a giant or get a cape that makes you look more like Orlando Bloom or some shit.  It may not be much but its something.
And as for the dating scene FB offers I have two points:
3. Plenty of Orc warriors have married Elven mages in the last 3 years at their own freaky cos-play wedding ceremonies.  I’d actually bet a higher number of Warcraft based relationships last than Facebook ones do.  Because FBships are based on hotness and DTF estimations, Warcraft’s are more based on “oh shit there’s a girl who’s in to this?  Well I better lock this up now or my name isn’t DwarfNoobKilla69.”

The Best Man

4. You’re less likely to be raped and/or murdered by someone you meet on Facebook as they’ll be more physically fit and able to pursue you than someone you meet on a Warcraft server (no one who spends hours a day trying to find a Pegasus to ride around will be fast enough to catch you)
a. Counter point: the people you meet on Facebook will almost most certainly be hotter due to this same reasoning.
5. You can sell your high-level Warcraft characters for hundreds of dollars.  No one wants your worthless profile.
6. You don’t have to worry about identity theft in Warcraft. Criminals are wayyyy more interested in your name, address, and date of birth than they are in your enchanted nunchucks (do they have nunchucks in Warcraft?  If not they really should.  Maybe get lightsabers too, just bring all of their loves together).
7. Neither said “bless you” I sneezed just now.  Both are apparently rude.
8. Potential employers won’t check your Warcraft profile to see if you’re hireable.

Hmmmm.... May not be management material....

9. In the most famous movie ever about Facebook, the main character was a total dick.  In the most famous movie about wizards and goblins and all that crap, the main character’s only real crime was being a little too in love with the kid from “Rudy”.

When that lovable black janitor told you to "follow your heart" he may not have guessed that your heart was telling you to butt fuck Elijah Wood.

10, It took me about 45 minutes to write this list, and even as I type this final point both groups are still doing what they were when I sat down here to do homework (hopefully my group wasn’t expecting huge things tonight).  The point is, we may think of people who play online games as being nerdy and wasting all of their time in a fantasy world, but is it that much different than Facebook.  I mean the dude to my definitely has a fantasy world where he’s hanging out with this redheaded broad named Molly who’s page he’s been on for the last 20 minutes.

Now we’re not saying that Warcraft is cool or that Facebook is for losers.  By that definition the writers of this blog would be a cross between Napoleon Dynamite and the goth chick from “The Breakfast Club” and it should be obvious from our writing style that if we relate to anyone in those movies its Pedro and Emillo Estevez respectively.  All we’re trying to say is that both waste time, not that that’s a bad thing, wasting time is awesome.  I mean, if you weren’t wasting time why you have read this?  Because Warcraft players are people too, paler, more introverted people, but still people.  Hell, if being pale and introverted discounted someone from being a person I’m pretty sure Canada’s population would drop down to like 17.

The President and Vice President of Canada. Also owns the only general store.

 

When you’re a kid and your watching a show, the most romance/lovin’ you ever see is limited to handholding and maybe some kissing.  And this is as it should be, young minds aren’t quite ready to be exposed to the wonders of fornication.  Trust me when I say that a 7th grader’s innocence is shattered the moment his friend shows him a chick bricking in some dude’s mouth online at steak and cheese (remember steak and cheese? No, just me? I was the only one with really pervy friends?).  Anyway we thought we’d go back and take another look at these couples from our youth, to decipher what would have been happening if they had been actual real-world teenagers, and not the abstinent Disney archetypes they were portrayed as.  Their amount of sexin’ will be judged on a scale of 1-5 illegitmate children conceived.

Power Rangers: Tommy/Kimberly – Let’s see, two super hot teenagers (who were actually like 25) that are in great shape, spend 85% of every day together, and constantly go through life threatening situations that bring them closer together.  In the show they would sometimes hold hands and nervously invite each other to Sadie Hawkins dances.  B.S. If this was taking place in the real world you know that every night after saving the city Tommy was balls deep in some Pink Ranger, fogging up the windows in the Dragon Zord cockpit.  Plus look at the Pink Ranger.  She is so hot, Tommy HAD to lock that down.

4 out of  5 illegitimate children.

Power Rangers: Zordon/Alpha 5  – Alpha 5 was soooo gay.  But it kind of makes sense.  Zordon is a giant floating authoritative head, and Alpha 5 is a submissive robot who enjoys being told what to do.  It’s like a craigslist add from hell.  Or space.

0 out of 5 illegitimate kids (because they were both dudes, and either way I don’t think either had any genitalia).

Family Matters: Urkel/Laura – This one I think was less cut and dry. They probably did it once when he was Stephon and now its weird.  He’s desperately in love with her and she’s ashamed and embarrassed.  She probably let him hit that becasue she didn’t assume he would morph back into a nerd with a Scottie Pippen haircut and pants pulled up halfway to his nips the moment they left Orlando (which in fairness to her was a pretty reasonable assumption).

1 out of 5 illegitimate children (because you KNOW Stephon don’t wrap it up.  He wants to feel you girl).

Family Matters

"Did I do thaaaaat?" Yes, You did "do" that. A lot. Especially in your weirdo time machine.

Full House: Danny Tanner/ Uncle Joey – Let’s go down the checklist shall we?  Both were unmarried, had feathered hair, and were raising children together in San Francisco.  Yeah, no red flags there.

1 out of 5 illegitimate children

Lion King: Mufasa/ All them ho’s – Besides Scar and then later Simba there were no other dude lions there.  But there were lots of kids.  Someone had to father these cubs and I think we can all be fairly certain it wasn’t the voodoo monkey or the gay toucan.  And yes that does mean Nala was Simba’s sister.  Sorry for destroying your childhood.

5 out of 5 illegitimate children (although it was probably actually more than 5, and then also a whole bunch of inbred grandkids)

Sesame Street: Ernie/Burt – This one is probably this highest level of debauchery.  And Bert should get a medal for the wild coke fueled orgies that Ernie seemed to be throwing in the tub. What do you think they meant by doing the rubber duck?


Muppets: Gonzo/ Camilla The Chicken – This was probably constant, and probably not consensual.  In a world where almost every animal can talk and wear a suit jacket, Gonzo ended up with a chicken who can’t do anything but cluck.  Yes he claims they have a relationship but is it really consensual? All of the other muppets have the ability to say yes or no like people, so its not as weird when they’re into each other.  From what I can tell Camilla is just a regular chicken.  And she’s probably subject to an unrelenting blue felt weiner pounding every night after Kermit locks up the theater.  And she has no way to stop it.  Because she’s a chicken.

4 out of 5 horrifying, cross species, illegitimate children.

Babar/Miss Babar: Just some hot, nasty elephant sex

No illegitimates, they were married.


Mario Series: Mario/Peach- I will tell you right now that Princess Peach must have got her name from being the best piece of ass in the mushroom kingdom.  Think about what Mario went through for this broad.  Every 2-3 years he would swim through shark infested waters, skip from rock to rock inside of active volcanoes, and ingest huge quantities of mushrooms that couldn’t have been healthy for him.  Oh yeah,  and then he would celebrate it all by fighting a FAMILY OF DINOSAURS.  I have a hard time holding my farts in for my girlfriend.  This level of commitment is unprecedented.

3 out of 5 illegitimate children (though on looks curiously like King Koopa).

Mario Series: Luigi/his hand – went through everything Mario did and got nothing.  He was either jerkin it to images of his brother dying a horrible death or to the vampire page on youporn.

0 out of 5 illegitimate children.

Fresh Prince of Bel Air: Will/whoever he damn well pleased

5 out of 5 illegitimate children, many of whom can Whip their Hair.

Return of The Jedi: Jabba The Hut/Princess Leia – personally this one is the most painful for me.  I don’t think I realized it until I was like 14 or 15, but when I did I was legitimately horrified.  Don’t believed they got it on?  Let’s look at the facts:

  1. Leia woke up next to Jabba wearing nothing but a metal bikini and a look of shame.
  2. Two when he pulls her over to him after he catches her he sticks his tongue out and LICKS HER FACE.  A pre-rape move if I’ve ever seen one.
  3. When given the chance, the normally diplomatic princess Leia grabs her chain and mercilessly chokes him to death.  This strangling sequence takes about a full minute, during which time Jabba’s eyes roll into the back of his head as life slips away from his convulsing body.  This is BY FAR the most gruesome murder in the entire Star Wars saga, and it is fueled by the holy vengeance of a rape victim so we’re all okay with it.

0 out of 5 illegitimate children.  You know Han aborted that shit.

Gone Too Soon.

February 18, 2011

Goodbye 4 Loko, we had just been acquainted,

When at some frat party in Washington, your good name was tainted,

So not living up to their namesake

My eyes are red with your departure, because I have cried,

When I remember how many times with you, I have almost died,

Like that one time we tried to impress at a party, a girl so aloof,

You talked me into taking off my shirt, and yelling at her from her roof,

Though it was a bad plan, as the Reno Police Department will attest,

She did go out with me later, despite the arrest,

And I loved all your flavors, especially Cranberry Lemonade and melon,

Even if you made me act, like a borderline felon,

Maybe playing Loko pong, was a poor plan conceived,

But the weight of the girl I hooked up with that night, had to be seen to be believed,

Hey it happens, and I don’t mean to be rude,

But she looked like Adam Richman will, after season 12 of Man Vs. Food,

Although reflecting on it I’m still mad, that you got that girl laid,

I feel like I had sex wit Ursula, from The Little Mermaid,

Ironically, she had a mermaid lower back tat

And now that I think about it, I don’t think I wore a rubber,

Either that or it slipped off, in her layers of blubber,

She could be pregnant, now I’m starting to freak,

Maybe we should be done with you, like with James Van Der Beek,

Yeah, we're definitely done here

And my friends no longer answer, when I ring them on the telly,

b/c apparently you made me fill their USB ports, with spoonful’s of jelly,

And one more lingering issue we have, that’s stuck in my craw,

But what happened November 11th, and how’d I end up in Utah?

As I think about our time together, I become filled with anger,

Maybe you should be banned, for you truly are a danger,

And another thing, for which was a huger stress-er,

Under your influence, I pooped in a box and mailed it to my Accounting professor,

….Actually, you know what that was hilarious.  Awwwww I can’t stay mad at you 4Loko.

For no matter how you ruined my life,

Alienated my friends, and filled me with strife,

I’ll never speak against you again, not even a peep,

Because for 7 straight months, you got me super drunk, super fast, super cheap.

Sleep Well Sweet (Fresh) Prince.

Well, can you say BRRRR?! That’s right. It’s bone chilling temperatures and high winds for us again here in Reno.  With the cold weather comes a few things, snowmen, hot chocolate, people from Vegas freaking out like it’s “The Day After Tomorrow” and a handful of mysterious kids in “pwned noob” t-shirts walking around seemingly oblivious to the fact they have boogers frozen to the sides of their face.  But more importantly than all of these things it’s gonna change the party scene.  These changes are subtle, but they are changes all the same.  And as always, your old buddies at the SpaceSuit feel obliged to help some bruthas out.  So without further merriment, pomp, or ado:

The 15 ways party life changes when the season turns cold.

1. You can no longer be so brazen with your outdoor “only when I’m drunk” cigarette smoking.

2. If outdoors, the Sophie’s choice between wearing a mitten while you drink your beer and potentially having it slip vs. frostbite.

-OR-

The choice is clear

3. It doesn’t really matter what you wear. A really cute dress, new jeans that make your ass look great or the pair of basketball shorts you stole from your last walk of shame. You’re gonna be effin bundled like your life depended on it. Because it does.

4. There is now ice everywhere on the ground, you should probably wear a helmet.

5. There’s going to be a lot of scraggly pirate beards. You know, the ones where all of the parts don’t connect. The younger boys are trying to keep their faces warm, but they don’t yet understand that the unconnected “fuzz islands” look has never got any one laid.

6. Winter always brings way more compromising spend the night situations because you look out side and think “I’m not fucking walking home”

7. Now there’s more opportunities for jokes about the Paul Walker feelgood hit, “Eight Below

he's definitely thinking about how to teach these dogs to tokyo drift

8.Drinking “more” doesn’t always mean it’s going to get warmer. I’m sorry but standing in the Truckee River with no pants will always be freezing.
Until you die.And you will

9. We’re pretty sure glass shatters faster when it’s cold. Uninhabited commercial space downtown.. watch out!

10. It turns into a survivor type situation where you get to watch which determined whore will keep slutting it up with a short dress the furthest into the winter. You may not agree with her actions but dammit you respect her.

11. No more random shirtlessness (unless you’ve really decided to commit)

12. Finally, the cold is on your side. Everyone is much more likely to say yes to “hey, do you guys want to come back with us and check out our hot tub?”

13. Corollary to the previous point: No matter how close their building is to their apartment’s jacuzzi, it will feel 10 times that distance when it’s snowy any you’ve drunkenly elected to make this journey barefoot. Oh, and their key to the gate will never work. Ever.

14. You start gradually depleting your Christmas present funds to buy people shots. Because what are shots but little presents anyway?

15. It’s now wayyyy to cold to hang out at the mostly outdoor freight house district. No more pretending to watch baseball while you get hammered until next year (oh wait, baseball is over? who the hell knew?)

I had an insightful chat with my brother this morning.  A chat that cut to my very core, and truly showed me how irresponsible I’ve become this summer.  You see we really haven’t written many articles this summer.  We’ve been living foot-loose and fancy free (ie we’ve been drinking heavily), and haven’t found the time to write any articles for our adoring fans (there’s at least 4 of them, maybe 2 if we don’t count ourselves).  You see,  we should have  been writing articles this summer instead of seeing if there was any fun way to blow $5 million bucks on football after we just cut 12 majors due to “underfunding” (which was a total success by the way).
Anyway, to make sure this never happens again, the Nevada SpaceSuit has taken 5 seconds away from watching the video of the gay flight attendant jumping out of the plane while we’re at work to put together this alphabet list of helpful tips to freshmen and upperclassmen who just haven’t learned.  So without further ado, here are 26 ways to put together your class schedule and manage your time now that you’re a big kid.

  1. Don’t schedule any classes at 8am.  Your teachers don’t grade on a “how hungover is this kid?” curve.
  2. If you do have an 8am class, for the love of Kaepernick make sure it’s not a 4 days a week class.  You do that and you’re just asking for your roommate to taunt you with “I didn’t even wake and bake until you were done with Spanish for an hour.  An hour bro”.
  3. Unless you work 40 hours a week, night classes should not be an option. You’ve got babes to swoon and beer to drink. and we’ll guarantee that 95.4% of the time, you won’t even show up.
  4. Take the time to go to welcome week.  In 20 years no one will give a shit what hi-jinks Peter got into on TBS’ re-run of family guy.  But everyone wants to here about that “busting out of her shell” girl from Alaska you hooked up with at the pancake breakfast.
  5. 50 minute classes =  Best.Thing.Ever.  It’s just the right amount to go on youtube without getting bored.
  6. You may not realize it but you’ve been living a lie these last 18 years.  The weekend doesn’t start on Friday, it starts Thursday at about 3:00.  All of the best parties, drink specials, and Greek Balls happen on Thursday nights.  I’m not sure why this is the case, but I’m glad it is. Don’t schedule class on Friday.
  7. And if you do schedule class on Friday it better not be after 10.  Campus turns into a ghost town every week Friday after 12:00.  If you do have a Friday afternoon class it will just be you, a big group of asian kids who are always smoking, and football players wandering around the library trying to figure out how to get out of practice.

    The quad on friday afternoons (for the most realistic listening re-creation, imagine that indian flute noise playing the background as you look at this picture)

  8. If you’re going to rush, take your time to test out all of the frats and let them woo you a little bit.  However, please be aware of the blurry line between wooing, and some brother from SAE trying to put his finger inside you.
  9. Always take time to check out the latest edition of Coffin & Keys.  C&K is just  like the Nevada Space Suit, but with 3 times the same recycled dick jokes and absurd amounts of derogatory comments about women… and almost half the funny.
  10. Don’t believe me? I haven’t seen this edition yet but I can guarantee there will be at least 3 jokes about getting some Baberaham Lincoln and/or phi delt to “slob your knob”
  11. . One out of four freshmen fail out after their first semester.  LEAVE  TIME TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK. I can guarantee you that the fun you’ll have the  four to five years you’re in college will more than make up for you missing the totes rad kegger at the Edge apartments while you studied for your math test. Also, I’m sure you’ll enjoy that 3 million dollars more you’re expected to earn over your lifetime if you finish. P.S. the keggers at the Edge are never that rad.
  12. Freshman year is just the beginning. Usually junior year (20-21, IF YOU STAY ON TRACK) is generally your peak. You’re socially established, you’ve grown into your looks (aka shed the freshman 15) and you’ve mastered the hangover.
  13. The closer you are to being late to your class, the more the shuttle driver will screw around.  The same people who won’t wait 5 seconds for you at 12:45 are feeling easy like a Sunday morning at 12:58.

    Not breaking a lot of land speed records.

  14. Don’t buy the hype, you really only have to do laundry twice a month.  Boxers work just as good inside out.
  15. If you want to get a treadmill at Lombardi don’t go around five.
  16. If you want to see boobie-bouncing city (the best of all cities), only go to Lombardi around five.
  17. All this spare time you have now?  Do something fun or creative with it.  You can play Call Of Duty 2 your whole life.  But only in college can you take a body painting class you find on Craigslist (although don’t actually do that example, going to a body painting class you found on Craigslist sounds like getting the carpool lane to your own murder).
  18. Don’t go to the Overlook around noon if you have somewhere to be in an the next 30 minutes.  Between glut of people trying to get good Chinese food (wayyyy better than Panda express) and the general malaise/third grade level of change counting of the checkout people, it’s gonna take a while to get out of there.
  19. Get your free football and basketball tickets early.  Nothing sucks like having to stand in line (and away from the tailgating area) to pay $5 for a ticket you could’ve got for free if you hadn’t been so busy watch The Price Is Right.
  20. That being said, still take time to watch The Price Is Right.  Ain’t no party like a TPIR party.
  21. If you happen to be drunk somewhere out of Sierra Spirit range.  Wait.  Use this time to wander around, bum some cigs, and catch up on your drunk dials.  The time spent sobering up will be no where near the time of community service you’ll have to do if/when you get a DUI.
  22. The shuttle ride up to the health center is always worth it for the free condoms.  Definitely shorter than a ride to the coat hanger and poison store.
  23. If you spend more than an hour per day thinking about marijuana procurement you’re in big trouble.
  24. Schedule your classes with your friends now.  Chances are you’ll all have different majors and English 102 is going to be your last hurrah before you’re going to have to branch out and start doing group projects with kids who must be here on some sort of retarded kid outreach program for people who don’t do any of the work.
  25. Don’t dedicate to much of your time freshmen year to one boy or girl.  There’s 17,000 people at this school. You’re 18 years old and way to young to be making any kind of commitment now.  Get out there, meet people, befriend someone from another country, hook up with a fat chick, it’s all good baby, you’re in college now, get out of your shell.And P.S. if the boy or girl you’re dedicating all this time to is still in high school… Just stick a butt plug in yourself and change your name to Sapphire. It would be a lot less gay then what you’re doing now.

    Hi, my name is Constance. I want to talk to you about prom committee and ruin your life.

  26. Save up your STD tests for the free testing weeks at the health center.  It’s kind of like cashing in all the points on the mac and cheese boxes all at once.  Except instead of a cheap bike, you get herpes medicine.

Hey.  How ya doin?  Oh what you’re just chilling in the library right now studying for some final and doing all the homeworks you put off doing this semester b/c you were too busy playing Words With Friends? Yeah, us too.  The Library is a fickle place come finals time.  Theoretically it is the best place to get work done, but realistically everyone is there and it’s kind of a marvy scene.  Fun fact: during finals, the Knowledge center becomes one of the 10 most populous cities in Nevada.  Move over Goldfield.  Anyway, to commemorate this time-honored struggle that takes place between studying and procrastination that takes place here every spring, The Nevada SpaceSuit presents to you: The Things You Did In The Library  Today When You Should Have Been Studying.

1.  Spent 20-30 minutes getting “situated” and “ready to study” (BS by the way, we both know you could’ve started right away and actually got something done before 11:00).

2. Saw someone you haven’t seen in forever one floor up. Thought about going to say hi, decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

3. Watched people out that window for no less than 13 minutes. Hopefully you were making up their conversations in your head.

4. Spent way too much thought trying to figure out how bad for you those Funyuns were before finally deciding they could be 1,000 calories each and you still would take it over the salad in the weirdo coffee shop in the Library.  From there you’ll ponder further and wonder why the university decided to put its only two decent coffee shops within 50 feet of each other.  Solid business model there guys, it’s so weird we’re losing money….



5. Watched a group of 6 huge football players take a lap of every floor, talk to everyone they know, and then leave.

6. Every quiz ever on Facebook. And 3-4 tweets every 20 minutes about how #finalzsux

7. Played the eye contact game with the cute girl three tables away. Eventually you made eye contact too many times and it crossed the line from flirty to rapester-y.

8. Make a fort out of binders, folders and texts books

9. Think about just walking out right now, leaving your books. Try to convince yourself how much you would really like life as a trucker.

10. Wish you weren’t so hungover from  cinco de mayo.

11. Trying to figure out why Colin Kaepernick STILL hasn’t called. That vision board sucks.

BETRAYAL!!!!


12. Thinking how cool it’d be if you had that remote from “Click” so you could just fast forward the next 7 days.

13. Not really. Why don’t you just fast forward through your whole college career while you’re at it.

14. Got to the end of the latest NSS article and think two things: 1. Wow, they actually made it 300 words without making a Home Alone 2: Lost In New York Joke.  And 2. Well that could have been funnier, good thing this ish is free. Merry Studies you filthy animal (ratta-tat-tat).

A. We took 3 weeks off to honor the 2043rd anniversary of the death of Julius Caesar on the Ides of March

B. Kicked in the juke box at the Wal and have been working two jobs to pay it off.

C.  Following my father’s diary in a quest for the Holy Grail with my friends Salah and Marcus.

D. I had custody of my 3 illegitimate children.

E.  Caring way too much about the ASUN election.

F. Chat Roulette.

G. We were detained in Cancun for charges we can’t legally mention without an attorney present.

H. Following the Nevada Basketball team in all of their post season endeavors.  Oh wait, that was over two weeks ago…never mind.

I. Carefully analyzing health care reform.  Wait you see through my lies?  Ok I found my old Sega Genesis and got really lost in Sonic 2.

J. Building a vision board so that Colin Kaepernick will talk to me JUST ONCE

K. Going through every possible 775 number and texting “Hey Kap”.  I’m going to get the right one eventually. Yes, two devoted to my love of Kap.

L.  Rehab.

M. Spending my time as the only white kid in “The Center”

N. Because we’re lazy and we didn’t want to do it.  What are you gonna stop paying us to entertain you?

O. Following Justin Beiber around America. Hellooooo Beiber Fever.

P. Crying about Reno’s crazy weather patterns on my FB page. Oh wait, that was you. And it’s really annoying.  SO STOP.

R.  Busy getting sexually assaulted by Ben Rothlesberger

S. Longest. Pee. Ever

T. Storing up on Peeps and Shamrock Shakes. Those bitches are only come around once a year.

U.  Using Foursquare to become the mayor of the Wal.

V. Non-stop push ups.  I’m now the butchiest girl on campus.

W. Ummm…. would I lose all my street cred if I said homework?

X. Getting all my eating in.  If I wanna be skinny by summer the anorexia has to start now.

Y. Waxing this guy’s counters and painting his fences.  I know it seems like a waste of a month, but if it really does help me take down those mother fuckers at Cobra Chai it will all be worth it.

Z. Marathoning the first 6 seasons of Full House.  And if that’s a crime you can call me a violent repeat offender.

It’s finally happened.  Our increasingly inept Governor and the state congress that doesn’t have the spine to propose BASIC INCOME TAXES THAT 47 OTHER STATES HAVE during a time when the state was almost $900 million short in revenues.  (PS If you want the funny stuff, now would be the time to skip ahead and scroll down). This is the equivalent of not having enough money to buy your kids food, but then skipping the extra shift your boss offered you because you think if you work too much your kids will be mad.   The kids won’t be mad!  They’ll understand!  All kids want is chicken nuggets!  The level of incompetence in this state’s leadership is at an all time high.  Don’t believe us?  Check out the list of programs that are on the chopping block (at least half of these are gone).

The following degrees would be reviewed for potential closure:

  • Bachelor’s degrees in animal science and animal biotechnology, the minor in animal science and the master’s in animal science
  • Bachelor’s degrees in agricultural and applied economics, the minor in agribusiness, the bachelor’s degree in environmental and resource economics, the minor in natural resource and environmental economics, and the master’s and doctorate in resource economics
  • Master’s degrees in all education counseling fields, education· specialist, and teaching English to students of other languages in the College of Education, as well as all doctorate-level degrees in the College of Education
  • Minor, major and master’s degree programs in German studies, French and Italian through the Department of Foreign Languages and Literatures
  • Bachelor’s degree in interior design
  • Doctorate degrees in anthropology, history and political science, master’s degree in philosophy and master’s degree in speech communication
  • Bachelor’s degree in supply chain management
  • Bachelor’s degree in statistics and a master’s degree offering with a statistics concentration.

And oh yeah, also the entire college of CABNR!  An entire college?  But we’re still building a new math and science building in the south of campus?  Sure why not.  Anyway, we’re upset, and frankly you should be too.  These decisions are going to cripple this state in the short and long terms.  But maybe you, our precocious and intrepid reader, don’t see just how bad these cuts were?  Well fear not revered companion, to put this decision in perspective, we here at the NSS offer you:

Decisions that made more sense than the budget cuts (enjoy)

a.  Deciding not to try to avoid that iceberg and just power through.  I mean hell, the Titanic’s unsinkable right?

b. Jake picking Vienna last night on the bachelor.  She’s at least hot and has that crazy look that I kind of dig.  I don’t dig anything about cutting Supply Chain Management.

c. Pete Best quitting the Beatles in 1961.

d. Chamberlain making concessions to Hitler.

e. Bill Clinton scoping his interns  and thinking “It’s not like anybody would find out”

f. Staying with that girl for so long after she introduced you to her 8 cats and told them you were going to be their “Daddy”.

g.  The series of decisions that led to the Halle Berry “Catwoman” movie.

h.The professor in the class I’m in right now waking up one morning and saying, “You know what?  From now on, only Tommy Bahama shirts.  I just don’t give a rat’s ass anymore.”

i. Saved by the Bell “The College Years”

Courtesy of ShareTV.ORG

j. Me asking for a Dreamcast instead of an N64 back in ’99.

k.  Rita Revolta deciding against attacking say Washington D.C. or Tokyo in favor of sending monsters down to Angel Grove every week (which apparently she was convinced was a big military strategic point for the U.S.)

l.. Getting pregnant on purpose so your boyfriend would stay with you. A baby fixes everything!

m. Blaming McDonalds for America’s rapid obesity rates, when  it’s clearly Michael Jordan’s fault.

n. Tilikum, the largest whale in captivity deciding to drag and drown his SeaWorld trainer in front of a bunch of little kiddies and basically euthanizing himself.

o. Majoring in music and thinking everything’s gonna turn out fine…    (You know what? Nevermind.  Their program didn’t get cut.  Maybe they’re smarter then we all thought.  Hats off to you guy who thinks majoring in French Horn is a better plan than just getting started on your career at Red Robin now).

p. Electing Jim Gibbons.

q. Jesus letting Judas into his crew.

r. Betting my tuition money on the Nevada v. SMU Bowl Game.

s. Fox canceling Family Guy and Arrested Development so they’d have more room in their lineup for gems like Andy Richter Controls the Universe and Titus.

t.  The Power Ranger’s decision to not just get the Mega Zord out right away.  They’ve suffered so many explosions on their chests and allowed, what at this point has to be billions of dollars in property damage, all due to their prideful reluctance to just get out the power sword 5 seconds into every fight.  Hey Jason, we get that you can do a lot of flips and they’re awesome, but how about you just save the town and then we can all watch you do karate down at the highschool/rec center/ juicebar/ whatever the hell that place is exactly where you all hang out.

u. Putting your dick in a blender

v.  Graham-Leach-Bliley de-regulating financial boundaries and encouraging institutions to over-lerverage themselves on high-risk subprime mortgage security bundles…Oh wait no one understands what that means?

Okay, then how about Aladdin not freeing the Genie when he said he would and letting Jafar steal the lamp.

w.  Parents who let their kids get into competitive luge(assuming these parents don’t hate their children and want them to die, if they do want them to die then this is a great move).

x. Looking at the young, hilarious Co-Co O’brien and thinking “Nah you know what though?  At least 15 people in America think Jay Leno’s funny.  Yeah he may be almost 60, but I really want to see when that weird black spot on his head finally goes white.  Screw it, let’s keep him.”

y. Britney Spears going with a winner like K-Fed instead of Justin Timberlake.

z. Mary-Todd Lincoln pushing so much to go to the theater instead of agreeing to just staying in, renting a movie and ordering Chinese food.

Hopefully by now you’ve seen the video of Governor Jim Gibbons being interviewed/surprised by the Las Vegas Now I-Team as he got home from the airport the other night.  If not go ahead and watch it here.


Okay did you watch it?  Good.  I know, we can’t believe it either.  How is this guy really the one making the decisions on which of our state programs to cut?  Further more, how did he even get elected?  We aren’t positive on either of these but if we were speculating on the latter we’d say he got elected based on an elaborate double dare.



To help you try and make some sense of this, the Nevada Spacesuit is presenting this, a play-by-play analysis of what is clearly the saddest (and most unintentionally hilarious) video since “Leave Britney Alone.”



0:02 – We start off with a bombshell as Gibbons gets off the escalator. He’s wearing his sunglasses indoors like he thinks he’s Stevie Wonder. On the step directly behind him we see his main squeeze Kathy Karasch.  Now I don’t know about you but if someone I know really well, say my like girlfriend, is on the step behind me I will notice her.  Keep this in mind as you listen to what he says next.


0:19 – A reporter (who we find out later is named Jonathan), approaches Governor Gibbons and asks him who he was travelling with on this flight. Gibbons responds with the can’t-be-construed-as-anything-but-no answer “What’s it to you?”. You can already see that the next five minutes are going to be filled with mature, gubernatorial conversation.


0:40 – After a couple more “What’s it to you’s?”  Governor Gibbons claims that taxpayers didn’t pay for “it”.  When pressed on who it was, Gibbons changes lanes without signaling and says that it was just him and security on the trip.


0:56 – After denying that Kathy Karasch was on the trip or plane with him, Gibbons alleges that she’s not even in the airport.  Remember earlier when we all agreed we would notice if our gf was on the step behind us we would notice? Apparently not this guy.


1:14 Gibbons refuses to state unequivocally that Karasch isn’t in the airport and changes the subject back to the taxpayer thing again.  Likely because we were all confused by what unequivocally meant.


1:24 – The Governor of our state says that Kathy Karasch (or K-squared) being on a flight with him paid for by the state would be “impossible”.  When asked why this is impossible he says “because it wouldn’t happen.” Hmmmm, not totally sure he gets what impossible actually means.  For something to be impossible it has to be something that you can’t do, not something you won’t do. You see, I wouldn’t jump onto the football field during a game and take pee on the big N.  But, I could do it if I wanted to.  Something you would not do is different than something you could not do.  Like how a rational person wouldn’t vote for a guy who is not only a speech plagiarizer, but once said “tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie, tie-dyed liberals [in Hollywood should] … go make their movies and their music and whine somewhere else,” adding, “it’s just too damn bad we didn’t buy them a ticket” to become human shields in Iraq. But he still got elected anyway.  See, not impossible.


1:32 – Jonathan: That wasn’t Kathy Karasch who came down on the flight with you?

Gibbons : No.


1:38 – We see Kathy Karasch walking to the baggage claim.  With the grace of Olympic medalist Evan Lysencheck she pirouettes away from the cameras and heads to the ladies room. Note that when she walks in she’s wearing a stylish white overcoat.


1:52 – After a few minutes of what had to be really uncomfortable creeping outside a women’s bathroom with two giant cameras  (no real way to not look pervy on that one), Karasch comes back out of the bathroom.  This time she’s wearing a brown jacket.  That’s right; K squared thought she’d duck the reporters by changing her jacket. Hey Kay Kay, do you know how the reporters knew it was you in the first place? Your face. Believe it or not they did not identify you by your jacket.  I can guarantee you that the RGJ has never ran a report with the headline “Gibbons sends over 800 text messages to a woman in a white coat”. Pretty sure they ran more along the lines of “Gibbons sends over 800 text messages to Kathy Karasch”.  So unless your plan for a disguise was donning a ski mask of some kind (inadvisable in an airport by the way), I’m not really sure what your angle was.


1:56 – Here’s where it really gets rough.  Reporter Jonathan begins interviewing K-2 as she borderline jogs out to the parking lot.  He starts peppering her with questions about where she was and if she was with the Governor. It’s here we find that K Dub has an interesting tell.  Every time she lies or tries to deny something, she starts off the sentence with “You know what…”. No fooling.  EVERY SINGLE TIME she’s denying something she says “You know what”.  Helpful tip in the event you find yourself in a game of high stakes poker with Kay Day.


2:38 – Starting off her third sentence in the last six with “You know what…” K squared claims that the reason she turned around to go back into the bathroom when the cameras got to her was that she probably forgot to wash her hands and she’s a very clean person. Two major problems with that statement. Firstly, did you go in the bathroom because you probably forgot to wash your hands or because you did forget to wash your hands? I know its late but this happened at most 5 minutes (or however long it takes to change a coat) ago, so you should remember why you went back in there.  Secondly, anyone who is a “very clean person,” does not forget to wash their hands when they exit an airport bathroom.  Some would argue that a “very clean person” does not even enter an airport bathroom.


2:47 – Getting Warm.  K squared throws out an absolute zinger by stating that maybe she was in Las Vegas (the origin of their connecting flight) because “You know what, I could’ve been in Las Vegas having tea with the first lady”. Hahahaha were Batman and the Pope at this tea party too? Because that had just as good a chance of happening. Here’s why that was a dumb thing to say:

1. Michelle Obama was seen at the Governor’s conference you didn’t go to so she wasn’t in Las Vegas.

2. You know who Michelle Obama did have tea with this week?  The Dalai Lama.  You don’t go from spiritual leader of Tibet to girlfriend of Governor with a 10 percent approval rating.  That’s like starting off the original “We Are The World” video with Lionel Richie and then doing the next one with Justin Bieber.  No one makes that transition (oh, wait…).


3:09 – She’s heating up.  After opening the trunk for no discernable reason K-K claims that the people of Nevada need to know that Gibbons is a “very honorable and trustworthy man.”  No comment on this one, there’s no way to make that statement more hilarious.


3:21- And she’s on fire!  Kay-Z brings it all home by saying “You know it doesn’t really matter who I spent time with.  I spent time with Arnold Schwarzenegger this weekend.  Does that matter to you?” Yes.  And you know why it does?  Because Arnold Schwarzenegger is not just the man who killed T-1000, he is also the governor of California.  Do you know where all the governors where this weekend?  That’s right, at the Governor’s Conference in Washington D.C.  Where you weren’t/totes were.

(Note, if Arnold actually sent a cyborg look-alike to the conference in his place and actually spent the weekend in the jungle with Apollo Creed killing Predators, and that’s where you were with him?  Then we apologize for everything and take the whole thing back.  You Miss are an American hero and we salute you. Buuuut, if you were both actually at the Governor’s Conference, than methinks we smell a fibber).


3:39 – A member of the Governor’s security detail helps the upset Karasch into the car.  Jonathan begins questioning him about what he’s doing, and he responds by saying, get this, “No comment”.  Jonathan pursues it and the agent walks away.  How is it that this guy is the only one who knows how to handle pesky reporters?  The Governor could have gone the same way and pleaded the fifth, but instead chose to straight up lie.  Has he never seen a cop movie?  Taking a step back, we’ve got to hand it to the security guard.  We actually feel bad for this guy, he’s just trying to do his job and help out the state of Nevada.  It’s not his fault the Governor wanted to bring his “good friend” to D.C. with him.  He’s just trying to help out and keep his head down.  We like him.  Plus, he reminds us of Jack from Lost so that makes us like him a little more.  If the election was tomorrow and only people featured in this video were running, we would definitely vote for this guy (or the scruffy guy holding the other camera, he’s got spunk).


4:20 – After yet another go around of the “was she with you?”, “she wasn’t in the conference”.  Gibbons walks up to THE SAME CAR K^2 got in and starts to load his bags.  Frankly I have to admit that at this point I was jealous.  You see, my girlfriend and I have a hard time coordinating our schedules, and we talk all the time.  But the Governor of our state and KK don’t have to.  They can not know where the other one even is for a whole weekend, stumble onto the same plane, ride down the escalator inches apart without even noticing each other, never say a single word to each other in the airport, and STILL end up in the same car. That my friends, is a level of coordination and planning abilities that I will just never have. So I want to take this moment to say: I’m sorry babe, I’m sorry we’re not as dialed in as Gibbons and his lady are.


4:39 – Gibbons keeps claiming Karasch wasn’t at the conference and Jonathan tells him that she claimed she met the Governor of California this weekend.  Gibbons takes a second to think about it, and then dead serious says “well she met him somewhere.”  It would seem the Governor is also unsure of just where the Kindergarten Cop was this weekend and may even possibly subscribe to our cyborg decoy/predator hunt theory.


5:11 – Gibbons tries to justify what he said earlier by claiming Kathy Karasch was not in D.C. and only joined him in Las Vegas.  Jonathan points out that this would still make his earlier statement that she was not in the airport a lie.


He then brings up the thing that we should be writing about, the fact that this week there is a special session to cut away $1 billion from Nevada’s state budget, a large piece of which Gibbons wants to come out of our University. When Jonathan asks him why he’s just now getting back from a trip on which he may or may not have been accompanied by a woman who was not his wife (because the divorce has yet to be legally finalized.  Classy.) the GibGov just loses it.  In what is probably his only candid moment of the interview, the Governor tells Jonathan that he is full of shit.

He just loves the piss out of that black turtle neck look


Now look, who would we be to criticize the use of colorful language?  We’ve used it ourselves in the past.  Sometimes when you’re mad it just comes out.  We’ve sworn at calculus tests so we can certainly see him swearing at the kid who’s been grilling him and his (maybe) lady friend.  The swearing is not what we’re mad about. What we’re mad about is that this guy is going to try and get the legislature to cut funding for education this week.  He’s doing it because Nevada can’t raise the money that most states can because we don’t have income tax.  Gibbons thinks that adopting an income tax is impossible (because he wouldn’t do it) because businesses would not want to come here if we had one.  But you know what else would make businesses not want to come here? People who graduated from half a university. Other states have income taxes and businesses still go there.  But no business will go to a place that doesn’t the people who are trained to work there.


Cutting education is cutting our future.  It is cutting our children’s future and it is cutting any potential gubernatorial love child’s future.  We cannot in good conscience stand by while this liar who doesn’t understand how cameras work decides to cut education.  This guy is at the wheel, and it is irresponsible of us to let him drive us all off a cliff.  So write letters, call your state senators and protest the capital.  Make signs, start facebook groups, where bitingly clever t-shirts.  If we want Nevada to stay relevant past next Tuesday, we have to protect it from Fred Flinstone’s older, more confused brother.  This is your time, rise up and make sure that a guy who doesn’t even know how to tell a lie that makes sense doesn’t get his way.


Finally we leave you with this: If you get active and education doesn’t get cut, we promise that we will take you to a tea party in Las Vegas with Michelle Obama.

Look times are tough out there.  And as college students who either rely on entry level jobs at Port O’ Subs or your parents, you probably don’t have a lot of discretionary scrilla either.  No sir these are not times of stunna shades and midgets hangin from yo necklace.  However, that does not mean you should stop sippin on gin and juice; rather, you just need to learn to make the most out of the gin and juice on which you are sipping.

This friends, is our manifesto:

1. Pre game.  Everything.

2. Be a hot girl who’s not afraid to talk to a creepy older gentlemen for 10-20 minutes.

PS. You could also try this with a younger man but we feel worse about young World of War Craft virgins getting their hopes up and the getting shot down then we do about guys with kids.  Ladies have a heart, if you use a lonely nerd to buy you drinks all night, be a dear and give him a handy in the alley behind the bar.  I can guarantee you he won’t last long enough for you to finish the drink he bought you on the way out.  We’re not asking you to sleep with them or even get in their car (or on the back of their Luck Dragon), we live in a capitalist society here people, not everything can be free).

PPS. This is especially true if you’re not that hot.  5’s and 6’s shouldn’t be all high and mighty and automatically shoot down 3’s and 4’s who’ve bought them drinks all night.

PPPS. Those last two parts were really just wishful thinking.  You can totally use guys for free drinks if you have both of your boobs and a pulse.

3. Don’t be afraid to add a little volume to your home made cocktails with some cough syrup.  Mike Jones and Paul Wall sip the syzurp all the time and they turned out just fine.

4. Give blood that morning so it hits you harder.

5. Better yet, sell your blood at Biomat and the use the money to double all your cocktails at the break.  That’s double the booze with only 3/4’s the blood.  This my friends is what they’re talking about when they teach optimization in all your business classes.

6. But maybe you only have a few beers or shots at your disposal and you’re in a time crunch.  This is where you have to get creative.  Pound everything you have as fast as you can.  Count to 30 and then turn your head upside down so all the blood rushes to your head.  Hold it there until the room starts spinning and then come back up.  This won’t get you all the way there and it won’t last long, but it will hold over if you’re starting to come down at a basketball game with 5 minutes left and they cut of alcohol sales at halftime.

Speaking of which…

7. Don’t ever buy more than two beers at a basketball game.  Get one when you walk in and one right before half time.  Anything other than that and you’re being taken for a ride.  You might as well be importing your beer from Japan in hand painted glass bottles for those prices.

8. Always remember that smoking a cigarette will take you up at least 2 levels on the drunkeness scale for 15-20 minutes.  You can always bum these from people if you ask really nicely and pretend you just moved here from Michigan to strike up a conversation (well, that’s what I do).

9. Sneak a flask into the game.  They will pat you down but they can’t pat over your crotch so hide it there. And if they do, just tell them you’re happy to see them.  Now I know what you’re thinking, “Hey Spacey, won’t that be cold on my pene/hoo-ha?” Not if you wear another pair of underwear underneath.  I know right? Why didn’t you think of that before?

David Bowie demonstrates our flask in the groin technique

10.  When you’re in a meeting with a professor wait until they look away and then look between their desk and the wall.  80 percent chance there’s either half a bottle of Jack or last year’s midterm back there.  Either way you win.

11. Get on the Beer Pong table and stay there.

12. Even if you don’t have any money still go out with your friends.  Eventually one of them will be a little tipsy and just start buying you stuff.

13. Two words: Sugar Mama

14. Wear a bunch of sweaters and sit by the heater when you drink.  The heat will make it hit you more.  If you have access to a greenhouse this will be even sweeter.

15. Notice we haven’t told you to be one of those douches who shows up to a party with six of his boys chain smoking in hoodies asking “Where’s the beer at?”  That’s because don’t be that guy.  You’re better than that.  Rule of thumb always bring at least something to a party.  Even if its just half a Redbull, no one likes the guy who shows up and grabs eight beers before talking to anyone.  We’re only here to teach people.

16. Of course you and we both know that the cheapest way to get housed is actually doing it at your house.  As long as you have a sober driver to wherever you’re going we totes recommend this (also if you’re within roller blading distance and there aren’t any steep hills).

Here is the best cheap stuff in the Reno when you’re gaming it at home.  Keep in mind that any way you can incorporate Street Fighter 4 into the mix is only gonna make this better.

a. Whatever your roommate has in the fridge.

b. Cheap Gordon’s vodka and orange gatorade.  I swear its great.

c. Robitussin and Splenda.

d. Apple juice you left in your window in the sun that has hopefully fermented into moonshine.

e. When you’re low on milk and vodka combine them into the same container.  You will have white russians ready to go and your milk will last longer because of the alcohol.  Your Count Chocula will taste like the Devil’s chode though.

f. Whatever’s in that bottle that’s been on top of your fridge from that party you had 7 months ago.  Remember we’re not going for taste here.

17. Go down to Lucky Liquor Mart #2 on Wells by Juicy’s.  They have 12 packs of 32 oz Natty Light for $15.  It’s like legal stealing.

On a serious note the Nevada SpaceSuit wants you to know that we in no way endorse drunk driving.  It’s good to have fun, but it’s not good to have the kind of fun that ends you in a drunk tank or in a life time filled with guilt.  Also, the thing you see in the back of cabs or walking home a little saucy are wondorous and always unique, like Ferngully.

Valentine’s Day is swiftly approaching so we here at the SpaceSuit offices thought we should address the topic of love.  One of the things that makes college so magical is the possibility of meeting your future spouse in your poli sci class or over an orange kool-aid post-orgy.  However, no one just walks into the one they want to spend the rest of their life with, and the people who do well we hope you divorce each other. For everybody else who’s love life isn’t like as straight forward as a fortune cookie …. You’ve gotta drink a lot of vodka and you have to date a lot of people.  Here to help you see who some of these lucky individuals are gonna be, here’s a list of the people you WILL hookup with in college.

The Drunken Mystery

Did we? didn’t we? I can’t tell.  All you know for sure is that you can’t find your panties and that in and of itself is a problem. This probably happened before you realized pouring Crystal Light in your Vod isn’t the same as using a mixer and you had a bit too much to drink (or it could also be the night you found out the Cue and Cushion will give you 10 beers for $1 on Mondays, the choice, as Olmec from Legends of The Hidden Temple would tell you, “Is yours and yours alone”).  Anyway you’ll end up hooking up with someone that night, and then totes not remembering it at all the next morning.  You’ll hear stories about this person from your friends.  Sometimes they’re good, sometimes they’re bad; either way your mind will never be totally at ease until you figure out who it was.  Every time you pass a hottie you’ll hope it was them, and every time you pass someone who looks like they would be more at home in the Death Star’s trash compactor room you’ll shudder and remind yourself that you really do need to get up to the health center for that gonorrhea test.  Although we will say that the process of elimination on figuring out who it was is just thrilling.  It’s like playing a real-life version of “Guess Who”.

The Dorm Buddy

When you’re a freshman, pretty much anyone is hot. You know why? Because you can have sex whenever you want.  Also the stir fry at the DC has a lot of MSG.  That combined with the warm Dr. Pepper under your roommate’s bed will spark a chemical reaction that leads to blowing guys named “Big E” or “Scooter”.

High School GF/BF

We get it. You had a connection.. you watched the whole series of the OC together. Bottom line  is that you’ve been dating since you were 16.  Well, now you’re in college and to tell you the truth, there are wayyy hotter peeps out there. AND you don’t have to marry them (Unless you’re reading this from a computer at BYU, then you actually probably do).

The Grenade

Everyone’s gotta take one for the team sometime.  The fat friends are never content to just sit in your living room while you cook yourself some drunk ramen and your roommate takes their friend upstairs to show her his Jack Johnson records.  She’ll get bored (read: hungry) and your boy’s gonna have to take his CD out before “Banana Pancakes” is even over.  So, you’re gonna have to do some entertaining, and possible MO’ing.  One man always has to jump on the grenade to keep it from hitting everyone.  You won’t take it every time, but you will take it.

The Study Buddy

Here’s how this will happen.  It will be late, you’ll be sick of writing your GD Biology Lab and you’ll notice just how good your lab partner looks. It may or may not be the fact that you’re sleep deprived, eight Rock Stars deep and haven’t gotten some action since youporn became a pay site. Bottom line is there are four floors and a shit ton of book shelves.

The Face Book Whore

This person is more notable for what happens post-hookup.  Naturally since you’ve seen this girl naked you’re gonna want to add her as a friend on facebook, chivalry demands it.  Anyway after you add her you’re going to notice that this girl has like 2,000 friends.  Now, being a man you know why you add girls as “friends” on facebook.  This chick gets around.  Every time you see someone poke her you’re gonna kind of freak out.  And then you’re gonna see she’s friends with the whole basketball team and you’re gonna fell a little… actually just little.

The “Oh Shit I Was Jaded By The Summer”

Everybody just looks better tan.  And half naked.  And with no one else around to talk to except the cougars at your work.

Case and point.

The Substitute

Sometimes you have yourself a situation.  This arises when you’ve been going after one person at the bar/club/dance/swap meet all night.  You’ve been chatting them up and having drinks, mentally prepared to consummate the night in the back seat of your Geo.  And then suddenly they’re gone.  Maybe you went to the bathroom? Maybe you stepped out to take a call? Maybe they just saw you in better lighting? Either way they’re gone and now you’re a Stan without a plan (or a Linus with no vaginas).  so what do you do?  Do you give up on the night and go home to slam your head through the wall?  Or, do you continue your plans, but with a new participant?  Enter The Substitute.  Chances are that even if you’ve been going for one target you’ve been aware of the bar’s other possibilities all night.  Maybe it’s the guy who keeps not subtly staring at your chest?  Maybe it’s the girl with the birth mark and the low self-esteem? Trust us when we say you’ll know them when you see them.  Anyway, as you so often do when you’re drunk and residually horny, you make a decision that you otherwise would not.  You settle for less because you’re in a time crunch and quite frankly you don’t care any more.  But don’t look down on The Substitute.  Rather, view them akin to the way you think of  eating 30 Bagel Bites.  In the morning you’re  not gonna feel good about yourself and question some of your decision making processes.  But when you’re eating them drunk at 2:30am on your beanbag?  There’s nothing sweeter.

The Most Passable Person In A Boring Class.

This is a phenomenon much like beer goggles except that it happens before the mid to late afternoon.  When you walk into a class you immediately size up all the talent and see if there’s any girls with a hotness level of Topanga or above.  You’ll categorize them in your head within the first two class periods.  You will have your  “always checkouts”, your “sometimes checkouts – always if showing a lot of boob”, and the “moderate to never checkouts”.  There won’t be a Topanga in every class. in many of them you’ll be left with nothing but D.J. Tanner level girls and broken dreams.  Anyway, you’ll end up hooking up with a girl who might be a gem in your CH discussion, but in the real world she’s just another 6.

The Pi Beta Phi

I think they have to eff like 15 dudes before they can become a full fledged sister.  I think it the same deal  Mohawk Braves have with white man scalps.

The One That Got Away… but you still compare everyone else to them

Listen, we’ve all got this person.  And I believe you. You were meant to be together and if it wasn’t for your serious black tar heroin addiction, you’d still be  feeling each other up in the library.  This is the one person who at the mention of their name, it sends you into a tizzy. And by tizzy, I mean alcoholic rage. But listen, it’s not fair to compare the one that got away to the one you’re dating now.

Borderline suicidal.  That’s how the Nevada Spacesuit, much like yourself, felt after watching Nevada get crushed by SMU in the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl last week.  That got us here at the spacesuit thinking about terrible things that could have happened that would have been not as bad as what happened on Thursday.  Here, as always, is an alphabet list of things that, while terrible, still would not have been as bad as what happened at Pearl Harbor 2: Trouble In Paradise.

a.  Lebron James deciding to quit the NBA and use his 4 years of eligibility at UNLV

b. The economy crashes again.

c. 20th Century Fox cancels funding for the Arrested Development movie to concentrate on Bride Wars 2.

d. It turns out that Mortal Kombat was based on a true story and Outworld invades Earthrealm.

e. All those Italian activists actually get Jersey Shore canceled.

f. The polar ice caps melt.

g. Your boyfriend gets fat.

h. I have to hear one more thing about Tiger God damn Woods.

i. Running into your old boyfriend who is no longer fat.

j. Vai Taua pumps the break on weed for a little bit and actually does his jazz homework.

k. It’s discovered that a little alien has been living in his head, controlling Barack Obama Men In Black style.

l. Limp Bizkit breaks up.

m. Y2K hits ten years late.

n. Your parents tell you that you were adopted. Also, that they’ve only kept you so long because it’s part of an elaborate bet your “Dad” made in college.

o. You think you’re going to the prom with Patrick, he’s a moody Australian transfer student with dashing good looks who totally “gets you”.  Even after you tried to blow him off he still pursued you and took you on an awesome paintball/pedal boat date.  You all go to the prom and your younger sister Alex Mac punches your ex boyfriend in the nose and doesn’t even get kicked out, she just keeps dancing with the kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun.  Then suddenly, when everything is going great, you find out Patrick was paid to take you out.  F.Y.L.

Patrick woo-ing you at soccer practice

p. Back To The Future turns out to be a lie and we don’t all get hoverboards within the next 5 years.

q. Your mom friends you on facebook and starts making weird comments on all your drunk pictures.

r. U-Swirl closes.

s. They open up a cantina (cantina meaning “bar” in Spanish) in the union that doesn’t even serve alcohol.  Oh wait….

t. Gold ‘n Silver stops being open 24 hours a day.  Drunk college students, hobos, and pimps who like to show their bottom bitches a classy time riot in the streets.

u. You go to a 2-D showing of Avatar. You didn’t even know they didn’t show it in 3-D, which is like the whole point of the movie, but they do.  You thought it was suspicious when you didn’t get 3-D glasses but you just rolled with it.  2 hours later you’re balls deep in a slightly longer and more confusing version of “Ferngully”.  Basically what I’m saying is fuck you Parklane Theaters.

v. The vampires that all chicks think are so hot turn out to be real.  Vampires everywhere embark on a spree of murder/rapes. Pandemonium ensues and America wonders what was so hot about rapist killing machines in the first place.

w. Sarah Palin gets elected. My aunt Candy loves it.

x. They stop playing Full House re-runs.

y. All your shoes get lost and you have to bring in the New Year in your roommate’s fanciest Crocs.

z. Red Ring of Death.

So there you have it, an alphabet list of things that would not have been as bad as the anal pounding we got from SMU.  But hey, Boise State won, so that’s good right? Happy New Year.

The 00’s are winding down faster than your Dad after a hard day at the mill… and we can’t believe it’s over.  A lot of sweet ass stuff happened this decade: first black president, puberty, going to college, B2K, you participating in your first make shift abortion, Jersey Shore, etc.  Everyone and your  mom is doing a list about the best of this decade.  Not the Nevada SpaceSuit.  Instead, we are going to give you our top predictions for things that will happen in the upcoming decade.  As evidenced by our horoscopes we’re bordering on Miss Cleo levels of psychic ability (secretly hardest word ever to spell right on the first time: psychic), so you should really pay attention. So here it is, our top alphabet list (this one goes all the way to Z!) of “The Teens: the stuff that’s 100% for sure happening in the next decade”

A. With the apocalypse upon us, God asks for his voice back from journalism professor Paul Mitchell.

B. You get married.

C. You get divorced.

D. The Nevada SpaceSuit still has a readership of under 200 people.

E. Mattel perfects and then mass markets hoverboards by 2015.  This one has to happen so that Back To The Future II can come true-although that’s actually true for a lot of things…

F. NEVADA finally adopts a hand gesture that looks like an actual wolf and stops stealing Texas’ hook ’em horns gesture.

G. Chris Ault introduces a new offense.  This one’s called WINNING.

H. Sales of Call of Duty will surpass most European nation’s GDP’s

I. Soccer will finally fulfill its destiny and become the most popular sport in America.

J. No it won’t.  It’s gay.

K. The shuttle drivers figure out how to space themselves out from each other.

L. Sarah Palin loses the next election, my aunt Pam can’t believe it.

M. Nevada 2100 in the Sagebrush will have failed to get any of their predictions right.  Plus it still won’t ever be funny.

N. The Athletic Department will add another wolf mascot. Her name will be Alphina. You know, so Alphie can finally get laid.

O. Casey Stiteler will run and win the position of ASUN President. Everyone still thinks it’s Eli Reilly.

P. Someone from the basketball team actually graduates

Q. Phi Delt finally reestablishes contact with the mother ship

R. I finally make the transition into being the creepy old guy at the club

S. Marcellus Kemp stops to think about how much he misses college, but goes back to cooking the fries.

T. Reno is finally able to anticipate winter coming and gets their shit together with more than 9 snow plows for the whole city.

U. Tila Tequila finally finds true love

V. Kids will talk about Twilight was such a classic from “back in the day”.  You will just want to slap the shit out of these kids.

W. A couple football players wear something other than matching Nevada sweat pants.

X. They are immediately ostracized.

Y. ASUN vice President Charlie Jose has to start shaving more than once every 3 months.

Z. The real Mark Fox is found in a lab outside Fernley. It is revealed that an evil clone engineered by Utah State quit the coaching job at Nevada and everything in the world makes sense again.

Let us count the ways…

October 2, 2009

The UNLV game is fast approaching and hate is in the air.  Beer will be spilled, punches thrown and members of the Blue Crew almost certainly incarcerated.  Yes ladies and gents, alcohol-fueled hatred runs a little higher this time of year on the Nevada Campus (a drunken anger rivaled only by the time the Davidson Academy kids found out they weren’t getting recess last April).  PS, totally not our fault.

If the good people of the University of Nevada had it their way we would live in harmony with our neighbors to the south.  Much like the way the US coexists with Mexico.  We acknowledge that the place up North is more of a place of learning, art, success, and not a ton of malaria and shit.  We also agree that the southern establishment is a nice place to go for a weekend for a boozer and some cheap hand jobs.  But other than that, not really somewhere you’d want to live.

So then why are things the way they are?  Why can’t Nevada and UNLV get along?  Well if it’s not us, then it clearly must be them.  And really it does make sense, number two is always jealous of number one. Its the same in everything, Pepsi always attacks Coke, Cobra always tries to take down GI Joe, your little brother resents you because you’re Mom’s favorite, we’ve all been there.

However before you get mad at the needless anger and contempt shown us by our poor brethren from the south, think about why they’re mad and maybe you’ll understand why it has to be this way.  We’re just better here.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.

But exactly how are we better, you ask?  Well compadre neither you nor I has time for that kind of comprehensive list (and in all honesty it remains unclear if the internet has the capacity).  But we here at NSS are more than happy to give you our favorite points of why every single student at the University of Nevada is superior to their lower latitude’d counterparts.

13. You had the ability the read this far with out stopping for a Sunny-D halfway down the page.

13a. You have the ability to read.

12. You only hook up with a skanky chick because you made a mistake.  They do it just by walking outside.

11. You live far far away from North Las Vegas and its crimes against decency.

10. They watch “Two And A Half Men” and just love the shit out of it.

9. Everyone in Vegas is always psyched to buy “30 Stones”.  Here we can keep it classy and just pour Capri-Sun in our vodka.

8. You didn’t cheer for Hexxus in Ferngully.

7. You have the correct amount of fingers.

7a. Your penis/vag is all one color.

6. You’re never in danger of being attacked by a white tiger or accosted by Criss Angel or any of that other weird magic show shit they have down there.

5. You’ve never cried because you’re worried Uncle Jesse might never forgive Michelle.

4.  Your student body has an Israelite at the reigns, they’re just better at shit like that.

3. When your parents say they love you, they mean it.

3a. unlv

2. You stop to smell the roses. They hide behind the 7-11 to smell permanent markers.

2a. You don’t think “If You Give A Moose A Muffin” as biting social commentary.

1. You know the Red Power Ranger always wished he was blue.

1a. The cannon looks way better blue (a red cannon? What kind of camouflage is that? Are we going to war with fucking Candy Land?)

So we are big fans of the FaceBook group “Overheard at Nevada” because it’s funny. We know, everyone says stupid things. Word vomit happens , people.

So, go ahead and post about it http://www.facebook.com/wall.php?id=8050649586&page=2&hash=2843662c85417bd0825599f44b7ff4e6#/group.php?gid=8050649586.

Get out all your anger.

But that’s not our problem. We’d really like to talk about an issue that is plaguing this FaceBook group. It’s called being retarded. The point of this is to be snipey and mean. It’s not your fault they are dumb, however it is your fault for not executing it.

Now, you’ve forced this upon me. I have to talk about you for talking poorly about someone else. This is a vicious world my friends.

Examples of funny:

1.  On the comment board in the DC:

“Can you get soy milk because I’m lactose AND tolerant”

2.    “Hi Dad, I’m just calling to tell you that I’m drunk. I hit a car, and I’m going to jail.”

Spoken very matter-of-factly by a 19 year old girl who had just totaled my roommate’s car on Evans (I’m counting that as campus) at 2:30 am.

3.  Girl Roomate 1: “Are you wearing my letters?”

Girl Roomate 2: “Yeah, you let me borrow them before we stopped talking.”

4. Me: “Have you voted yet in the ASUN election”

Person: “I am not a citizen” or “I am not registered to vote”

5.  “I don’t get why kids are running for President. It’s not like they’re gonna beat Glick or something. He’s like, old.” -Getchell Library

6. Girl #1: I really hope ATO doesn’t lose their charter.

Girl #2: Wait. Why would they lose TV?

Now that you laughed out loud for those little tidbits, we’d like to share with you some don’ts.

WARNING: These are awful. Like, you won’t even as much crack a smile reading these.

1. Women’s studies class, looking at anorexic chick in magazine ad

Professor: “what does she look like? Her pose, what does it say?”
Some answers: “she’s looks submissive.” “she looks tired.” etc
Me: “She looks hungry.”

First of all, the number one rule of posting is not talking about yourself. Especially if you aren’t funny.

2. White girl to friend in Hilliard Plaza: “Dude, I’m so Mexican I have gas when I *don’t* eat beans.”

Racial jokes… pretty racy and debatably offensive. But more importantly, not funny.

3. Two girls on treadmills at Lombardi:

1: “So does it take up a lot of your time, shopping for baby food?”
2: “Umm, it’s just one of those things you hafta do, I guess…”

I wouldn’t say childbirth in college is funny… more so mortifying.

4. Three girls at unr in the quiet study area in the library

girl 1:- Small world! me and _____ were just talking about prom the other night!
girl 2:- Yeah, we were saying that we used to hate getting our of our dresses and putting on sweats or jeans for the after party because it pretty much means the night’s over.
girl 3:- ………. What about SEX?

i just about DIED laughing

It’s not UNR, it’s NEVADA, so it’s automatically not funny. Additionally, self proclaiming your post as hilarious, not funny.

5. One girl to her friend in front of student services building

“don’t worry, it’s reno. who needs a bra anyway?”

Hey, that’s just a fact of life, sister.

So that my friends, is how it is done. There are a lot of people on this campus

(and half of them are here because they got that millennium scholarship for a 3.0 in the 49th ranked state in education in the country)

so there is plenty of material to work with.