Borderline suicidal.  That’s how the Nevada Spacesuit, much like yourself, felt after watching Nevada get crushed by SMU in the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl last week.  That got us here at the spacesuit thinking about terrible things that could have happened that would have been not as bad as what happened on Thursday.  Here, as always, is an alphabet list of things that, while terrible, still would not have been as bad as what happened at Pearl Harbor 2: Trouble In Paradise.

a.  Lebron James deciding to quit the NBA and use his 4 years of eligibility at UNLV

b. The economy crashes again.

c. 20th Century Fox cancels funding for the Arrested Development movie to concentrate on Bride Wars 2.

d. It turns out that Mortal Kombat was based on a true story and Outworld invades Earthrealm.

e. All those Italian activists actually get Jersey Shore canceled.

f. The polar ice caps melt.

g. Your boyfriend gets fat.

h. I have to hear one more thing about Tiger God damn Woods.

i. Running into your old boyfriend who is no longer fat.

j. Vai Taua pumps the break on weed for a little bit and actually does his jazz homework.

k. It’s discovered that a little alien has been living in his head, controlling Barack Obama Men In Black style.

l. Limp Bizkit breaks up.

m. Y2K hits ten years late.

n. Your parents tell you that you were adopted. Also, that they’ve only kept you so long because it’s part of an elaborate bet your “Dad” made in college.

o. You think you’re going to the prom with Patrick, he’s a moody Australian transfer student with dashing good looks who totally “gets you”.  Even after you tried to blow him off he still pursued you and took you on an awesome paintball/pedal boat date.  You all go to the prom and your younger sister Alex Mac punches your ex boyfriend in the nose and doesn’t even get kicked out, she just keeps dancing with the kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun.  Then suddenly, when everything is going great, you find out Patrick was paid to take you out.  F.Y.L.

Patrick woo-ing you at soccer practice

p. Back To The Future turns out to be a lie and we don’t all get hoverboards within the next 5 years.

q. Your mom friends you on facebook and starts making weird comments on all your drunk pictures.

r. U-Swirl closes.

s. They open up a cantina (cantina meaning “bar” in Spanish) in the union that doesn’t even serve alcohol.  Oh wait….

t. Gold ‘n Silver stops being open 24 hours a day.  Drunk college students, hobos, and pimps who like to show their bottom bitches a classy time riot in the streets.

u. You go to a 2-D showing of Avatar. You didn’t even know they didn’t show it in 3-D, which is like the whole point of the movie, but they do.  You thought it was suspicious when you didn’t get 3-D glasses but you just rolled with it.  2 hours later you’re balls deep in a slightly longer and more confusing version of “Ferngully”.  Basically what I’m saying is fuck you Parklane Theaters.

v. The vampires that all chicks think are so hot turn out to be real.  Vampires everywhere embark on a spree of murder/rapes. Pandemonium ensues and America wonders what was so hot about rapist killing machines in the first place.

w. Sarah Palin gets elected. My aunt Candy loves it.

x. They stop playing Full House re-runs.

y. All your shoes get lost and you have to bring in the New Year in your roommate’s fanciest Crocs.

z. Red Ring of Death.

So there you have it, an alphabet list of things that would not have been as bad as the anal pounding we got from SMU.  But hey, Boise State won, so that’s good right? Happy New Year.

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